#vampirehumor

How to stop your coworkers from asking why you haven't aged since 2003. 🧴✨

Immortality is glamorous until Susan from Accounting corners you in the breakroom and demands to know your skincare routine because "you literally haven't developed a single wrinkle in twelve years."

Do NOT panic.

Also, do NOT tell her you bathe in the life force of your enemies.

The modern wellness industry is your greatest shield. Human society is currently obsessed with anti-aging, meaning you have the perfect cover story built right in.

Whenever your eternal youth is questioned, simply deploy these buzzwords:

"Hyaluronic acid."

"I drink a gallon of water a day."

"Platelet-Rich Plasma therapy." (Technically true.)

"Sunscreen religiously and broad-brimmed hats." (Also technically true.)

"I do an ayahuasca retreat every two years."

"Probiotics and kombucha."

The Undead Coffee Shop Order Guide:

O-Negative: The "Matcha Oat Milk Latte." Everyone wants it, it’s expensive, and it makes you feel instantly superior.

A-Positive: Black drip coffee. Gets the job done. Reliable.

AB-Negative: The seasonal Frappuccino with six modifications. Rare, annoying to source, but sweet as hell.

Animal Blood: Decaf. What is the point?

Certified Vegan: The next best thing to a kale smoothie.

How to hide your "specialty drinks" in a shared mortal fridge. 🩸🥤

Living with humans is a logistical nightmare, especially when it comes to shared kitchen spaces. You can't just leave a medical-grade blood bag next to their almond milk. It raises questions. It ruins the vibe.

If you want to maintain your dietary needs without your roommate staging an intervention or calling a priest, you need to master the art of culinary camouflage.

UdA Approved Hiding Methods:

The Korean Cuisine Decoy: This is the gold standard for fridge storage. Store your plasma in a large, slightly stained jar labeled "Kimchi Juice" or a tupperware marked "Leftover Dakbokkeumtang broth." The rich, dark red color blends perfectly, and most mortals won't dare closely investigate deeply spiced, savory-looking marinades.

The Artisanal Health Goth: Buy a bunch of high-end, overpriced cold-pressed juice bottles. Empty out the $14 beet-ginger-pomegranate sludge and replace it with your preferred type. Mortals are so used to modern "wellness" drinks looking like literal hemoglobin that they won't even blink.

The High-Altitude Canning Excuse: For those of you living in the mountains or rural areas, take up "canning." Mortals love a rustic hobby. A pantry full of sealed mason jars labeled "Dark Cherry Preserves" or "Spicy Blood Orange Marmalade" provides excellent, long-term cover for your reserves.

The Opaque Travel Mug: For the vampire on the go. Never underestimate the power of a heavily insulated, completely opaque travel tumbler. As long as you complain loudly enough about how you haven't had your "morning dark roast," no one will question why your beverage is a thick, lukewarm 98.6 degrees.

(wow someone actually did it, I could kiss you)