#uu!wifies

“You three would be really useful in the Mafia.”

And there it is. The stupidest line he remembers hearing once upon a time. He can’t help but grimace.

No one would try this, in the future. In his time. Not anyone who knew him anyway. Becoming Unstable’s King had at least afforded him that.

The problem was, this was the old Ashswagg. Invis Mafia Ashswagg. This Ash didn’t know the things Parrot had been through. Or that the Parrot standing in front of them at this very moment had already been through all Ashswagg and his Invis Mafia could throw at him, and still Parrot had won.

Meaning this little recruitment speech was just about the most pointless proposition one could try. And honestly, Parrot had just about had enough of it.

Being thrown back in time to the days of working in the Capital City mines under the Mafia’s and Reddoons corruption was already bad enough. Like some twisted rerun of one of Parrot’s worst moments. The worst part being he hadn’t even been early enough to stop Luigi from dying. Instead he’d opened his eyes to Reddoons giving him some stupid spiel about material value. And now he had to stand here and listen to Ashswagg’s dumb recruitment speech all over again?

Nah. He’s done done.

“Who the hell do you think you are!?” He spit at Ash. To his right, Wifies seemed to cringe, and Parrot did his best not to look at them. Instead he tried rolling his eyes. “You know what, screw it, even freaking Lettuce had a better speech than this. This is just sad, bro.”

Wifies was shooting him a look now. Parrot could practically feel the confusion and unease radiating off their player character.

A moment later a private message pops up confirming that.

Which Parrot promptly decides to ignore.

There really wasn’t time to unpack all his trauma right now. (And preferably, there never would be). So if Wifies looked pained at the life-threatening crisis that Parrot had once again walked himself into? Good. A little payback for the months of emotional hell, which his friend had literally blown up in his face for, was justified.

Parrot can at least thank whatever Minecraft gods exist, because for a moment Ash actually paused his nonsense to consider him. Probably, because Ash was taken aback by the absolute vehemence in which Parrot talked, but that was semantics.

However, unfortunately for everyone present, the Minecraft gods clearly didn’t account for Ash’s level of self-absorption and ability to barrel past warning signs. Despite even the Invis players catching on and giving quick glances at each other, Ash still continued to keep this pointless conversation rolling.

“I can offer you a deal. A place here.” Ash tried again, clearly trying to make some dramatic point. “You guys conquered your fear, to steal those diamonds, to free all those people you wanted to free. That’s worth something.”

Ridiculous.

Parrot isn’t listening anymore. He’s too busy mentally calculating that he has about five seconds before he either snaps completely or starts bashing his head against his keyboard.

Apparently Ash didn’t get the memo. He’s still deep into his two-bit salesman’s pitch.

“Join me. I’d even promote you instantly.” He says and looks at the Diamond trims standing behind him. “You could be right there.”

Parrot makes the executive decision that he, in fact, did not want another headache later.

Snapping it is then.

“And why the hell do you think I care about you or your dumb Mafia, Ashswagg.”

Ash stares at him.

And Parrot revels in the feeling of taking the wind out of his sails.

But the brief moment of silence doesn’t last.

“Uh, Parrot,” Dean whispers to him. “I know we aren’t joining and all, but… maybe we should, uh, not yell at the guy who has a bunch of netherite players with maces? Maybe?”

And yeah, Parrot does feel a bit bad for dragging Dean into this mess. It isn’t his fault he’s about to witness a historical crash-out.

Meanwhile, Wifies has clearly noticed there was something very wrong with Parrot. He keeps glancing frantically between the enemies Parrot has chosen to actively piss off, and Parrot himself.

But it’s not like that hadn’t been a recurring theme in the past.

Wifies can cope.

“Nah, im done with this.” Parrot grits out, half to himself.

And suddenly Wifies steps directly between him and Ash, with Wifies clearly positioning himself as a body shield between them.

“Parrot, please, just calm down.”

Several more messages are filling up Parrots screen.

Okay, maybe Wifies wouldn’t be coping after all. Parrot thinks. Maybe he never could…

His chest aches.

Wifies eyes are staring into him.

Parrot keeps his eyes pointed away.

Parrot honestly just wasn't sure when exactly Wifies had fully committed to the whole Director persona.

Had it already started by now?

His throat tightens.

Don’t think about it.

Right now, his priority is stepping around Wifies and walking just far enough forward to force him out of his line of sight.

If he can just keep Wifies out of his field of view, he can keep pretending.

So Parrot takes a few steps closer to Ash instead. A move which Ash tilts his head at; perhaps thinking Parrot was going to be more reasonable. As if that would ever happen.

“I could make it worth it, for all of you.” Ash says, leveling his voice at the three of them, Wifies and Dean included.

Logically, Parrot knows that he’s probably about to dig a hole for himself. And yes, he knows that Wifies probably thinks he’s attempting another moral suicide mission. But he doesn't really care about Wifies’ opinion on that right now.

At least yelling at Ash had been a better distraction.

“Why the heck would we join your sinking ship?” Parrot scoffs. “Like bro, you do know what server we're on right now. Your dumb Mafia isn’t going to last.”

That seems to finally hit something, because Ash all but drops the recruitment tone and finally switches to the good ol fashioned threats.

“Watch the way you talk.” Ash says, and one of the Diamond players steps forward. “I can always force you to join, you know.”

“Your delusional bro.”

Ash laughs.

“Oh Parrot, you think I don’t get it?” Ash sneers. “I’ve got you and your little entourage all figured out.”

“No. You really don’t.” Parrot says, before his voice goes to a quiet whisper. “Not that I did either…”

Ash doesn’t seem to hear him.

It doesn’t matter.

Wifies was standing in front of him again…

Staring…

“I think you'll find I can be very persuasive.” Ash mocks. “Fear is an excellent motivator. Control someone’s fear, and you control them.”

“Controlling people…” Parrot echoes, giving Wifies a small side glance. “What an original idea. No one would have thought of that.”

Wifies is still staring directly at him.

Parrot can’t breath.

Looking at them had not been the smartest plan on his part.

Damn it.

Parrot snaps his crosshairs back onto Ash, who has begun talking again.

But Parrot can’t hear anything.

Doesn’t want to feel anything.

Multiple private messages are now popping up onto his screen.

Parrot looks away.

Looks for a reprieve.

However, rage-baiting Ash is the only thing here that has proved to be a distraction.

Priorities.

“Ash,” Parrot starts,“have you just never considered the ticking time bombs that live on this server? They are not going to be controlled.”

“They will. I know what they fear.”

“Oh come on bro. Do you actually think that fear matters to most of them?” Parrot insists. “Seriously, just how long do you think it will take for Spoke to absolutely wreck your operation from the inside out?”

“He will be handled.” Ash says, shrugging him off.

“No shot.” Parrot laughs. “I give it week before he starts living in your walls, just waiting for the chance to stop you. Like everyone else on this server will be.”

“You think just anyone can stop me? Stop us? This?” Ash swoops his character around, as if making a point. “There is no one capable of that.”

Too bad for Ash he’d missed the mark. Parrot was a much better shot.

“No. What I know, for a fact, is that the second Eggchan so much as pops a totem to one of your guys, your whole thing goes up faster than you can say ‘Mace attack.’”

And that seems to rattle Ash somewhat.

“We have guards for that sort of thing.”

“Oh yeah?” Parrot tilts his head at the trims. “For how long?”

“What?”

“Because I’m willing to bet that half your Diamonds are just waiting for the chance to turn on you.” Parrot emphasized, staring down the two Diamond trims behind Ash.

Parrot half wondered if one of them was Quackeinstein…

“What the hell are you talking about?” Ash rebuttals. “Killing me just gets them all killed.”

Parrot laughs.

“And when has mass server casualties ever actually mattered to Spoke or Wemmbu?”

“Clown will take care of-“

“Oh, don’t even get me started on Clown!” Parrot snaps. “Are you kidding me, bro? You think that just because he’s with you now, that this is gonna hold his attention forever? No way. Not a chance.”

“I have an army of-“

“Oh right! The army!” He takes a few steps towards Ash. “Because that totally works against an Orbital Strike Cannon. Yeah. Tell that one to Zam. I’m sure he’d agree.”

“Can you stop interrupting me!?” Ash snaps at him, before suddenly going very calm.

To Ash’s credit, he at least has the threatening aura thing down.

“Tell me, Parrot, do you just not care about the lives of your friends here?” Ash says looking at Wifies and Dean. “Because if you really want to walk out of this alive, you should take this.”

There’s a pause, and Ash throws Parrot an invisibility potion.

Parrot knows Wifies is probably about to spam CoinMonke to trigger the enderpeal stasis. If he hasn't already…

Parrot tilts his head slowly.

Might as well.

“Buddy, I’m the biggest bird on this server.” He laughs. “I really don't give a damn.”

Then Parrot chucks the invisibility potion directly at Ash’s face.

All at once the trimmed players pull out their weapons and converge on him.

One of the Diamonds rushes Parrot.

There’s the pop of an ender pearl landing.

And then-

A minecart instantly explodes next to the Diamond player.

Parrot blinks.

The sheer force had knocked the Diamond away so badly they’d gone flying straight up into the air. Poor bro probably didn't have blast protection.

“What the hell?!” Ash screams. “WHAT WAS THAT?!”

And suddenly a familiar voice cuts cleanly through the chaos.

“Correction,” Theo says calmly from a crater of his own making, “I’m the Biggest Bird!”

And for half a second, nobody processes it.

Then another pearl lands and instantly a minecart explodes next to where Ash had just been standing.

Farther away Parrot sees a fishing rod get pulled. And in the next instant both the rod and Ash are gone.

Unlucky, Parrot thinks.

Around Parrot, the world has turned into explosions. He knows it’s barely been a few moments, but already the terrain is covered in holes.

Any of the remaining Gold trims are scattered, desperately trying to not get blown to smithereens or pop their totems. Meanwhile, the two Diamonds are actively chasing Theo down around the courtyard.

Which has started to imitate Swiss cheese.

Next to him, Wifies sounds like he’s shouting something, but Parrot is completely still.

This hadn’t happened the first time.

Theo shouldn’t even be here.

“You know, not wearing any armor is a pretty dumb move on your bosses part!” Theo taunts. “Especially when I’m around!”

Parrot feels like he can breath again.

“You all should be thanking Parrot.” Theo laughs. “That shot probably would have killed your boss if they hadn’t gotten an invis potion to the face.”

“Theo…” Parrot whispers.

“Hilarious though! Nice shot Parrot!” Theo calls back to him.

And then suddenly Theo is right next to Parrot, geared to the nines, and dropping some extra gear in front of him.

“Come on Parrot, start running!” Theo says imploringly. “How am I supposed to protect the King of Unstable if he just stays standing there?!”

And all at once it clicks.

This is Theo. His Theo. Future Theo.

Which sucks because Parrot realizes exactly what is about to happen.

He whips around, and for the first time dares to look directly at Wifies; who is now staring downwards without moving. Parrot doesn't have to guess that Wifies must be rapidly signaling CoinMonke to pull the stasis.

Which means Parrot doesn't have much time.

“I’m about to get ender-pearled!” he blurts out. “Theo! Meet me! Northern Council!”

Wifies head snaps up towards Parrot. “Parrot what is going on!? Where is-? No, who even is that?”

But Parrot tunes everyone else out, still staring at Theo, who is already spamming more TNT minecarts like a man possessed.

“You got it!” Theo calls back in between another explosion. “I’ll meet up with you soon!”

Parrot can vaguely hear a totem pop.

And then-

The ender pearl activates.

And everything blinks out.