#uss dauntless

She manages to ‘run’ for two wobbly steps before she loses her balance and lands on her bottom. Her face twists for a second and I think she might cry but then something - or, more accurately, someone - distracts her over my shoulder. “Mia! Mia!” she shouts gleefully. Her little baby tongue still struggles with l’s and r’s, but even so, her version of “Miral” was one of her first words (after “Mama”, “Dada”, and “No”, of course). Sure enough, I look back toward the house to see 6 year old Miral Paris-Torres barreling full speed down the path. My goddaughter barely even acknowledges me as she zips past, but I don’t mind because it’s important to me that she wants to spend time with Maeve.

It reassures me that I’m making the right choice.

Tom and B’Elanna stand on either side of me now, watching our girls play. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing,” I plead with them quietly. “That I’m not crazy. That it has to be me.”

“It has to be you,” Tom replies firmly. It’s not surprising - he has always believed in me more than I believed in myself.

I look to B’Elanna because I can always count on her to be brutally honest with me. “Let’s go for a walk,” she suggests and starts off down the path without waiting for my answer.

Tom goes to the tree to keep an eye on the girls and I feel a pang of jealousy at the way that husband and wife communicate so effortlessly without speaking. I had that once, not so long ago, and I feel its absence now like a hole in my heart. I want to stay and watch Miral ‘teach’ my baby how to weave a crown of wild flowers but I follow B’Elanna instead.

“Does Maeve know what’s going on?” she asks when I catch up.

“I don’t think so. She asks for him - especially at bedtime - but for all she knows, he’s just on another mission and he’ll be back any day.”

“He will be. You’ll bring him back just like you always do,” she says confidently and I almost believe her.

“If I do, it will all be worth it,” I agree. “But I don’t want to leave her all alone… and what if I come back without him? What if I don’t come back at all?”

B’Elanna stops walking and grabs me by the shoulders. “You are Kathryn Janeway. You always come back. It’s kind of your thing,” she spares me a grin before turning serious again. “And you never leave a job half done. So you’ll find him and you’ll both come home to her, no matter how long it takes. And that’s why, yes, it has to be you.” B’Elanna begins to walk again and I sense she is done talking, but I’m not.

“I don’t know how to thank you for watching her. I just couldn’t leave her with Mom - she thinks I’m crazy and I need Maeve to be with people who will stay positive. Hopeful. Who will always make sure she knows that we are coming back to her…”

“We’ve got it covered,” she reassures me. “We’ll take excellent care of your baby, and you’ll take excellent care of mine,” she jokes, referring, of course, to the Dauntless and her new slipstream drive that B’Elanna has spent years perfecting.

We’ve almost completed the loop now and the oak tree is coming back into view. Miral is still weaving flowers but Maeve is on her feet again, working on that run. She squeals with glee when she sees me and there are those damn loveable dimples again as she actually manages to run several steps in my direction before I sweep her up in my arms and hold her tight. “Good job, baby! Mama is so proud of you!”

She giggles as I cover her with kisses and take a big inhale of that irresistible baby smell, as if I might be able to save it for later on, and then she’s squirming in my arms demanding “Down Mama.”

She never has been very good at staying still, just like me. I told Mom I wasn’t sure she would be able to keep up with the baby on her own, and that’s why I’m leaving Maeve with Tom and B’Elanna. It’s even partly true.

Miral has abandoned her flowers in favor of hide-and-seek around the vast trunk of the oak tree. Maeve squeals in delight every time Miral pops out and chases her. B’Elanna is sitting next to Tom in the grass, both laughing at the girls’ antics.

I fight back tears as my heart swells with love because this is my family. Most of it, anyway. Tomorrow morning, I will leave to track down the missing piece but until then, I am going to enjoy my time with the pieces I’ll have to leave behind.