#upton

“Okay, Ruby’s finally gone back down. Mr Ted fell out her bed again- Wait, w-what are you doing?” Y/n froze in the threshold of their room with wide watery eyes, watching as the man she’d sworn to herself and everyone around her was the one emptying his side of the closet into a large duffle. His face was scrunched up in frustration and pain, skin red with heat and tears of unknown emotions sailed down his smooth cheeks and into the depths of his stubble. “Jay? What are you doing? Jay!” She gasped louder, taking a step forward and felt the internal knife twist in her gut upon realising the scene that had once been an exploited fear in her nightmares become her reality. 

“What am I doing? What am I doing?” Jay looked up, his tongue snapping as the venom could no longer be contained from travelling through his words. “What are we doing? Why are we pretending we are okay?” Shaking his head, his fists balled up one of his ‘fancy’ shirts before angrily punching it into the bag again, again and again. With each motion, Y/n felt her body jump in fear, her stomach uneasy questioning whether she should be walking towards him or running in the opposite direction. 

“It’s okay, Jay-.” Y/n attempted to comfort, now an arm length away from him and where he was hunched over leaning against the mattress with his fists. In the six years they had been together, never had she felt like she ever had to fear Jay. To her friends and family she would describe him as a teddy bear in human clothing, a man that was professionally trained in staying calm and collected. But in that moment, she hesitated to reach out for him. Her eyes zooming in on his balled fists, the stress veins popping under his skin and the mood in the air that just didn’t feel right. 

“Nothing is okay. I am not okay, Y/n!” He yelled, throwing his hands up in the air and suddenly the woman in front of him was cowering away from him. The jump back caught both of them off guard. His hands fell back to his side, as they both stared in silence at one another. 

She thought I was going to hit her? 

I thought he was going to hit me?

Y/n’s head dropped as her hands ran through her long, dark, slightly greasy hair and tugged at it. Maybe if she pulled hard enough everything would dissolve and she’d jolt back into her bed, slightly sweaty from the nightmarish antics but in the safety of Jay’s arms. That’s where she wanted to be. That’s where she belonged, or at least she used to.

“You don’t trust me anymore, Y/n,” Jay’s voice was cold, resuming to gathering his belongings, and keeping a healthy distance between him and the mother of his child for whatever was happening he didn’t want her to feel like she was in danger. “We can’t keep pretending that this is going to get better, it’s not getting any better. I need to go before it breaks us both.” He assured as he appeared from the bathroom with his toiletries. Positioning them in his bag, he realised he had everything and began to tug at the zip.

“Maybe we can try counselling. I have the number of the guy that my sister and George went to, she said it was hard at first but now they’ve never been better!” She bargained hopefully, her hands slapping onto the top of the duffle pausing the man. She leaned over the bed from the opposite side, something stopping her from rounding the bed and standing closer to him. Their eyes met in that moment, and both could see and practically count the pieces of their soul floating around in them - broken and bruised. 

“It won’t work.” Jay insisted, his eyes not leaving her’s, for if he glanced down at her lips and the way they shivered he’d be crumbling down in an instance. “I know it won’t work, you know it won’t work.”

“I don’t want you to go.” She pleaded, her hands placed on top of his, her smaller ones squeezing them gently. She didn’t want to let go of him, not physically or emotionally. Jay was all she’d ever known. He was the man that had introduced her to love in the first place, despite the couple of boyfriends she had prior to the detective. He showed her how powerful a relationship could be, how it could make her feel like she was forever floating on a cloud when he was in the room. But more importantly - most importantly - he had given her the little girl that was sound asleep a couple rooms over, who’d pushed them into parenthood in all its beauty. 

“I’m sorry.” Pulling his hands away was like the penny dropping for Y/n. This was it, he’d logged out, he’d let go, he’d checked out. Y/n’s hands lingered on the bag for a moment, until she pulled them into her chest realising how cold and alien they felt without his. Jay watched as Y/n’s eyes zoned out and the wall he’d spent the six years of their relationship destroying was built back up in milliseconds. Her face was distant, eyes dull and glazed, lips parted. His chest burnt with guilt as he took in the consequences to his confession, he wanted to go over and hug her. Hold her one last time and tell her that it was all going to be okay, but he knew if he did he’d never find the nerve to leave and everything would get worse.

Following him out of the bedroom and towards the front door, Y/n felt trapped inside her own body. She was unable to communicate but every other sense felt ten times stronger. Her skin prickled as she watched Jay grab his car keys out of the poorly made dish that the pair of them had crafted during one of their first dates at a poetry class that Kim had given Jay a coupon for. However his attention was stolen by the framed photos around it, his entire body freezing. His fingers reached out for the little girl that had been captured a couple months ago with her father’s badge around her neck and his large boots swallowing both her little legs. 

Ruby Halstead was as beautiful as her mother, that Jay knew from the day she was born. Although she’d been unlucky enough to adopt his personality, with her funny facial expressions and humour. At age two, Jay felt like she was already a tiny adult with the way she acted, and the thought of ever losing her made his heart burn. Letting the tip of his pointer finger run along her face, he glanced over his shoulder at the zombified woman. 

“Whatever happens between us,” He breathed out, turning back to the picture. “Please never let it ever affect her.” Y/n’s inner voice scoffed humourlessly at his request, whilst externally her dead stare didn’t even shift. Did he seriously think that low of her? Had it gotten so bad between them that he’d forgotten that she would never play around with her daughter’s life, how ever fucked her’s may be. “Maybe when I have a more permanent address we can sort something out, you now, custody wise.” 

How were they even having this conversation? Y/n couldn’t believe he could look her in the face with such words directed towards her. How did they end up here? She couldn’t pinpoint how it had all gone so horribly wrong. 

“Y/n-.” Even the way he said her name had changed. Once upon a time, in a period of their lives that felt like a fictional fairytale in comparison to this, he’d mumble her name like it was a prayer. Every time it was followed by a small smile and a small exhale as it seemed to take the breath from his lungs in a surreal kind of way. Now though, she could feel the way it scalded his tongue. Nevertheless, the call brought Y/n back to the front of her mind, her head slightly shaking as she realised how disorientated she’d become. 

“If you walk out of that door you will never walk back through it.” Her eyes pulled up and the fire lit inside of them introduced a new light into the room. Jay gulped as he realised that she was speaking from the bottom of her heart. It was his last chance, that’s how Y/n thought of it. He could come back to her, give it all one last chance. They were his family after all, weren’t they? Realising that the decision was already well and truly made in his mind, Y/n looked down at her hand and sighed at the ring that no longer glistened the same way as when she’d received it. Feeling a sob lodge in her throat, she didn’t let it out and wouldn’t whilst Jay was still in the house. Tugging the diamond decorated band off of her finger, she stared at it for a moment, lips dipping into a frown. Three years she had been waiting for them to get married, under their bed were folders of planning she had done whilst he was at work. She’d picked out a dress, a location, a cake, but now they were nothing, they meant nothing. 

Holding out the jewellery piece towards Jay, the man looked down at it with sombre eyes. He remembered how he had fretted at the side of his brother, searching for the perfect ring. He wanted a piece that summed up their love, summed up how he felt about her. Something as equally beautiful and powerful as Y/n was. When he’d found the one he’d given her, all he’d ever think of whilst looking at it was the happiness that spilled over her face that night he’d gotten on one knee. That was suppose to be the start of their life together forever, how wrong they were. Nodding in gratitude, Jay placed the ring into the pocket of his jeans and unlocked the front door. The cool wind called him back into the world as a single man, a place he hoped he would find himself once again. 

“For the record,” She called out when Jay had reached the bottom of their garden, his head turned in an instant. Seeing her stood there, the light from the living room lamp creating a halo around her, he felt doubts creep under his skin. “I was so so happy with you, Halstead.” Then the door was slammed shut and Jay listened to the lock click confirming that he’d done it - he was officially locked out of Y/n life. Sighing softly, his feet plodded away from the house and out of the world that they had created and shared together. 

—

6 months later

“-And so I told him, George, it’s not like you forgot to buy milk or something, you slept with our neighbour… three times.” Amelia, Y/n’s eldest sister, complained over a cup of coffee that had certainly gone cold considering how long she’d been retelling the story of her and her husband’s latest fight. The entire time, Y/n had tried to be supportive and attentively listening to her sister’s troubles but her eyes kept flicking to the clock behind her on the wall of the cafe. 

15 minutes, she thought. 15 minutes and she’d get to see her baby again. 

“Are you even listening to me?” The scoff that emitted from Amelia’s lips had Y/n’s head snapping back towards her, a guilty look plastered on her face as she smiled innocently. The older sister narrowed her eyes knowing fully well the answer was ‘no’, but she equally knew that this time of the week was always the worst for the single mother of one. “Another weekend at Jay’s, huh?” 

Her sister’s tone wasn’t the warmest, her eyes rolling at the mention of the detective that had quite literally broken the little sister Amelia had once known. She’d never forget the screams and cries down the phone early in the morning, as Y/n blubbered through an explanation of how the man she’d meant to be marrying walked out to start what he claimed to be ‘his own life again’. Her sister instincts had coaxed her into wanting to go find the son of a bitch and feed her thoughts into his ear until he had to call the police - but Y/n fought her on the matter. She was torn apart, broken upon repair - granted - but Jay was still Jay to her. She didn’t want any harm coming his way, nor did she want their daughter to see her aunt hating on her dad. 

“Mhmm,” Y/n hummed, a small sigh breaking her lips apart as she took the final sip of her third cup of coffee. It didn’t feel right saying ‘Jay’s’, for it had been so long since their names had been broken. It was always ‘Jay and Y/n’, it was always suppose to be. “I tell you I count down the hours from the moment I drop her off on Friday, pathetic isn’t it?” It was selfish to admit - that’s why she only ever did so in her sister’s company - but she didn’t love sending Ruby off to Jay’s, despite them both coming to the agreement to do so. However back then Jay’s meant the father and daughter spending the weekend together, just them two. Now, though, that was no longer the case. 

“It isn’t pathetic, it’s just sad.” Amelia corrected, not doing the best to make Y/n feel better as she sunk deeper into her chair. Her hands rubbed at her eyes, not feeling quite alive as she should. “I take it that Hilary is still in the picture.” Once again the older woman rolled her eyes. Y/n smiled sadly, although tried to make it look as warm and friendly as possible.

“Her name’s Hailey and yeah, from what I hear from Ruby.” She shrugged, hoping that it somehow made her look far less interested than she was. In reality the thought of her ex-fiancee’s blonde coworker and now girlfriend cozying up with him and their daughter kept her awake at night. Upon hearing the news a full two and a half months after their breakup, Y/n thought that it was some kind of joke. Mainly because it had come from her daughter who’d mentioned something about ‘aunt Hailey sleeping in daddy’s bed’. She hadn’t been told from the horse’s mouth so to speak, or any of her so called friends that she shared with the man like Kim or Kevin. But after digging - which mostly included speaking to the firefighters in Molly’s - it turned out that it was very much the truth and Jay’s soul searching had ended with him in the bed of Hailey Upon, who - bare in mind - Jay had reassured Y/n was no more than a good friend for three years.

“Do you think it was all planned?” Amelia suddenly asked, as her face soured at the thoughts in her head. Y/n tilted her head in confusion, begging for her to continue whatever she was thinking. “Do you think they were having some sort of affair this whole time and she asked him to leave you? I mean, what kind of man leaves his fiancee and kid and then shacks up with someone new 2 months later?” Her words began to cause an unreachable itch to form in the back of Y/n’s mind, conjuring ideas that she hadn’t even been close to having in the months she’d been mourning her relationship. She’d always assumed that something was there between the two, but never would she think that Jay would go further than having some idle feelings - at least whilst she was still lying in bed besides him. 

“Why would you say that?” Y/n groaned, fingers raking through her hair in stress. Amelia spotted her mistake as the woman began zoning out, travelling to the depths of her thoughts to examine the plaguing suggestion made by her eldest sister. Sitting up straight, she reached out and grabbed Y/n’s hands.

“I’m sorry, that was just me being stupid.” She tried to reassure Y/n, thumb stroking her knuckles. “You know what I’m like, I think everyone is like George-.” 

“Do you think he ever loved me?” Y/n mumbled, eyes watery as she looked up at her sister who she hadn’t been listening to. Her hands shook off Amelia’s as she was stunned by the question. She sat there wide eyed not knowing how to restart her senses and provide Y/n with an answer that prevented the forecasted spiralling. For her to ask such a question, Amelia soon realised that the so called ‘healing’ she’d undergone was a lie. She was still as broken as the day they’d broken up. Which made sense since it hadn’t been that long, but knowing that Y/n had been keeping it hidden from everyone was sickening.

“I-I think so. I mean, yes of course he did. He must have.” Again severely unhelpful words of wisdom from her sister. Looking at the clock one final time, she realised she had to go. Standing up ,her chair scraped across the floor producing a teeth clenching noise, but she didn’t even flinch. Her lips mumbled something about talking to Amelia later, and suddenly she was out the door. He must have loved her once upon a time. Walking down the street, people had to go out of their way to avoid bumping into her semi-conscious self, searching for where she’d parked her car. Did he love Hailey more?

Shaking her head when she sat in the front seat, hands gripping the wheel, Y/n knew she couldn’t be in such a state with her daughter around. She didn’t want Ruby to worry about her, not now, not ever. The aftermath of the breakup had made her realise just how much she desired never to let her daughter catch wind of the chaos occurring behind her eyes. Telling her baby that her dad would no longer be living with them without hinting that she was internally shattered was one of the hardest things she ever had to do. Rightly so, Ruby had been upset, but came around to the idea upon realising her dad would still be around. So as far as Y/n was concerned, that was the only pain Ruby would have to endure when it came to her and Jay. She would never breath a word of what happened between them no matter how old Ruby became. Getting rid of enough fog in her mind that she felt it was safe to start driving, Y/n started the engine and switched the radio on, turning it up loud enough not to give her thoughts a chance to deafen her. 

When she pulled up outside of Jay’s newly rented house, she sat in her car for a moment, doing some last minute preparations. Taking deep breaths, she practiced in the mirror how she would smile when that door opened and revealed Jay or Hailey. It didn’t feel right, but it was what had to be done. After he’d moved on so quickly, there wasn’t much room for her to still be holding on to their relationship. She didn’t want them knowing that she was still such a mess, the thought made her violently nauseous. A loud knock on the passenger window sent her jumping in her seat, slapping the sun visor shut as she turned with wide eyes spotting the smile sporting detective waving at her through the closed window. Fuck sake, she thought waving back with a flavourless smile. 

Getting out of the car, she didn’t even make it around the car before he was calling out for her. 

“Ruby won’t be long, Hailey is just helping get her things.” Jay spoke softly, like he knew that he was dealing with an active explosive. To the mother, it felt a little too degrading like he thought she was weak and fragile, she didn’t like it. Nodding her head, she reaching the sidewalk, standing a good 2 metres away from the man that she once couldn’t bare being 2 inches away from. Clearing her throat only seemed to make the silence between them more awkward. Y/n was playing with her fingers, picking away the old nail polish wishing her daughter - who was no better than herself - would hurry up and save her from having to endure any more of this torture. 

“We had kind of a big lunch, so don’t be surprised if she doesn’t want much tonight.” Jay offered, glancing over at the woman that for once in her life looked timid. Her skin seemed paler than it normally did, her body was held up without the usual confidence and power that she would usually carry. His fingers prickled to go reach out to her, to run them along her cheek and see if they still made them light up with delight. But he rejected them quickly, stuffing them into his trouser pockets as they both waited for the little girl that they shared. 

“Okay.” She nodded, looking up letting her hands fall to her sides, leaning back against her parked car. The silence returned and the man wondered if this was the time for him to tell her. His senses became instantly more aware of the cold metal that currently rested on his finger. When was the right time to break it to your ex that you- before Jay could finish his thought Ruby’s voice came booming out of the house. 

“Mommy, Mommy!” Her little feet tapped against the porch in her trainers as she came running down the stairs recklessly and jumped into her mother’s arms. The detective watched how just the sight of Ruby sent life shooting through Y/n’s face once again, her body crouching to catch the girl. Spinning around listening to her squeals, Jay couldn’t hide the grin on his face at the reunion. His eyes instinctively moved back to the porch where Hailey was awkwardly stood with Ruby’s backpack in hand and a posture keeping her from moving forward. Frowning, the blonde caught the man’s eye and mouthed ‘have you told her yet?’, to which he shook his head.

“Oh my- have you gotten bigger? I think you’ve gotten bigger.” Y/n grinned, poking the small dimples that marked both of Ruby’s cheeks. The girl was happy about the comment, squealing in delight as her mom returned her feet to rest back on the pavement, although her hand stuck with Y/n’s. The sensation was not one that the woman could put into words, she just wished it would never end. 

“Um, Y/n do you think we could have a word?” Jay asked appearing besides them both this time with Ruby’s backpack. Taking it warily, the woman looked towards him in confusion. They only ever talked about Ruby, and that was over text. When they did speak in person it was… painful. So why would he voluntarily put both of them through it? She wondered, eyes narrowing as she switched her gaze over to a cowering Hailey. 

“Are you going to tell Mommy about you two getting married?” And just like that the entire plan that Jay had derived in his head was ruined by the words of his three year old, grinning daughter. Y/n’s hand immediately released the bag, whilst the other clutched onto Ruby tighter. Her lips parting as a heartbreaking breath fell out, and the world collapsed beneath her feet. Married? She choked on the word even in her mind. They got married? Needing confirmation that what Ruby spoke was true, Y/n eyes flew to both of their hands where - sure enough - she found both of them sporting identical bands on their fingers. No, no, no, no, no. She couldn’t breath, her chest was being squeezed so tightly she was sure that the soul was being pulled out of her body through her mouth. 

“We need to go.” She insisted, lips moving quickly but her mind wasn’t processing anything. It was like she was going into shut down and there was no way to stop it. Leaning down, Y/n grabbed the Paw Patrol bag back up and gently guided Ruby towards the back seat and into her car seat. Watching the way the woman’s hands shook as she opened the door and the sound of her breaths rough and uneasy, Jay didn’t know what to do. Hailey’s face was drowned in guilt as he gestured for her to go inside and that he would handle this. This was his mess, it was his responsibility. 

“Y/n.” He spoke, when she’d closed the door and was trying to get passed him to get in her own seat, but he was there - every way she went he was always there blocking her. 

“Move.” She ordered, voice low not wanting the toddler in the car to hear the way her voice was an open warning for what was to come if he didn’t obey. Grabbing a hold of her hands, Jay ignored her - typical. Trying to shake him off, he wouldn’t loosen his grip. Just like his scent around the house, no matter how many sheets she washed, how hard she scrubbed he just wouldn’t leave her alone. He was always there, taunting her. 

“We should talk about this. I have so much to explain.” She scoffed in his face. 

“Explain? Fucking hell, don’t you think it’s a little late for that?” The humourless laugh that escaped her chest was like a bullet that soured right into Jay’s heart. His defences were hopeless, as they always had been when it came to Y/n. Even though they weren’t in a romantic relationship anymore, didn’t mean he’d completely erased her from his life. What she did to him wasn’t something that went away, she was forever a weakness to him. “Now maybe you should go back in and join your wife because we are going home.” Shaking one last time, Jay’s hand fell from her wrists and she finally got into the car and was sailing down the road away from the newlyweds with a freshly broken heart. 

“Mommy?” Ruby called out with a weak voice. Looking into the mirror at where she was watching her, Y/n nodded with a small gentle smile as her eyes lit up with tears. “Are you okay?” Her concern was written all over her face, clearly not understanding the nuclear bomb she’d let slip moments before. Shaking her head, Y/n blinked away the majority of the tears.

“I’m okay, baby, Don’t you worry.” Lies.

—

“Married? He fucking married her?” Amelia yelled into Y/n’s ear as she sat on the couch with a large glass of wine, having put Ruby to bed a couple hours prior. The large sips she was taking seemed to slowly be working at freeing up the tense muscled that embraced her entire body. This was certainly not her first glass of the dark red liquid, nor would it be her last if it all went to plan. The moment she she got a moment to herself she had to call her sister, needing to hear from someone else that the news was as crazy as it was making her feel. And without many friends, Amelia was first and only choice. “Oh you must be pissed.” The sound of her taking a large sip of her own glass of wine on the other end of the line made the younger sister smile dazed by the effects of the alcohol.

“I was engaged to him for three years and he couldn’t even commit to a flower arrangement. But now suddenly he’s in the ‘fuck it let’s get married’ mood? Hell yes I’m pissed.” She fumed, staring at the thick folder of wedding prep that was currently holding up one end of the coffee table after it broke a couple of months back. How much time she had wasted on that, for what? Knowing fully well that it was 99% her work too, other than the cake that Jay had once said ‘looked good’ and then ran out to go to work. How had she been so blind? 

“Did you even know they were engaged?” Amelia asked, wondering if she had missed that information somewhere between her George rants. However hearing Y/n’s grunt of disagreement she realised it was just her sister’s shitty ex being her sister’s shitty ex. Y/n shifted so her head was resting on the arm of the sofa, her eyes staring plainly up at the ceiling feeling hot tears drip slowly down the side of her face. Wiping them away furiously, she hated that she was feeling so sad. She’d prefer just to be angry, incredibly angry sounded great right about now. But her luck seemed non-existent at this point. “I’m so sorry. Y/n/n. You don’t deserve any of this.” 

Y/n was beginning to doubt that. She must have done something. Whether that was to Jay or just someone random she’d come across in life, which ultimately had fucked up her karma. Because how could she have been shot down over and over and over. She had to be getting punished for something. 

Just as she was about to open her mouth and say something, there was a soft but clear knock on her front door. Freezing, she sat up and placed her wine glass onto the coffee table. Amelia must have heard it too for she was soon asking who was coming around at this time, to which Y/n didn’t have an answer for her. She hadn’t invited anyone around. Promising to call her sister back, and Amelia making her promise not to get killed by a possible murderer at her front door, they hung up the call and Y/n approached the front door. Clicking the lock, Y/n hesitantly pulled at the large slab of wood and peered into the darkness of the night. Squinting at the dramatic change in light, Y/n was suddenly wishing that it had been a murderer as she noted the glum looking Jay Halstead on her doorstep. 

“Don’t tell me she’s kicked you out already. Or did you leave her? I know that’s more your style.” She snorted opening the door a little wider so he got to see her full body but not enough that he could sneak past her. Jay didn’t respond, knowing that the woman that was very clearly drunk needed to get this kind of stuff off her chest. She’d been crying, that was clear. It was sad that he knew the sight a little too well considering the end of their relationship where all she seemed to be doing was cry as Jay stressed about the unsettled war playing out inside of him. 

“Can I come in?” He asked, not pushing her knowing that he had no right asking such a thing. And by the way her face turned into a look of disgust, she felt the exact same. Shaking her head as she turned around clearly needing a moment, before turning around and pointing an accusing finger at the detective. 

“How dare you!” Even when buzzed with the alcohol units flowing through her veins, she was still aware of the sleeping girl in the house, keeping her voice low but sharp enough that the words cut into Jay’s chest. “You shouldn’t have come here. You’ve wasted your time, I don’t want to talk to you.” Turning around ready to go back into the house and drink another bottle of wine before passing out. But Jay had no intention of leaving things this way, he’d been sat thinking about her since she’d left earlier. Her face, her ridgid posture, her uneven breathing were playing like a never ending slideshow behind his eyes.

“What? So you are never going to speak to me again? Is that it?” His frustration surfaced, as he took a step forward grabbing ahold of her left wrist anchoring her in her spot. His touch that she once wanted to drown in, was now suffocating her silently. Turning to look at the way his large hand encircled her wrist sparked a similar frustration within her, her hand yanking back with force.

“You know what that doesn’t sound a terrible suggestion. I think I’m going to take you up on that offer.” She sassed, with a her lips pulling up into a disingenuous smile. Despite the darkness outside, the porch light allowed Jay to get a good look into the woman’s eyes and prejudge the demons that he would likely have to face the longer this conversation went on.  

“I know I hurt you-.” His tone softened in an attempt to sooth her, but if anything it riled her up. Who was he to talk to her like that? 

“You don’t know shit!” Throwing her hands in the air in frustration, Jay’s lips zipped shut. “I know you like to think you know everything but you don’t know the fucking half of it, Jay Halstead.” He watched as his name stung her tongue, her face contorting into a look of pain. It had been once been like a lungful of fresh air for the woman, something that would make her heart rate soar and eyes to soften. The name of her lover, her soulmate. But now it was just a reminder of all the pain she’d experienced over the last six months. 

“Then tell me. Let’s go in and talk about it.” 

“I told you that once you walked out you aren’t coming back in. I stand by that.” She stood strong in the doorway. Stubbornness was not a stranger to the woman, she stuck by her word, she wasn’t gonna bend just because of the beautiful green eyes begging her to. Maybe she would have considered it in the past, but she wasn’t letting him under her skin, she couldn’t.

“Oh come on.” Jay groaned, head falling back with his eyes shut, as his hands rubbed down his face. He was tired, it was one of the first things Y/n had picked out when she had gotten a good look at him. And whilst tiredness was an accessory Jay wore on a daily basis due to the nature of his job, this was different, this was exhaustion. The kind that could only be summoned by continuous nights of guilt keeping one awake and depriving them of peace. 

“No.” She shook her head finally. 

“Then- then can we sit on the porch. Talk out here at least?” Pointing towards the step of the porch, Y/n thought about it for a moment. Her bottom lip sucked in between her teeth as she stared between the man and where he was pointing. Did she really want to do this? Listen to him as he tried to rid himself of the blame in search of reassurance that he wasn’t the worst person in the world? “Please?” Jay’s eyes seemed to water, with the small light illuminating the tears that pooled in them. 

“Ten minutes. Maximum.” She mumbled, moving away from the door, shutting it behind her to stop the cold from entering. Plopping down onto the step, she watched as Jay’s body relaxed and relief flooded his insides. A small smile pricked his lips as he realised not all hope was lost, and he moved to take a seat next to the mother of his child. 

“I’ll take what I can get.” He mumbled, falling down besides her, their knees touching due to the limited space that the step provided them with. The contact was strange, Y/n had expected that she’d want to pull away and hiss at how it pained her, but instead she found the warmth of his touch like a siren calling her to back in. It took everything in her to ignore the ideas floating around, and instead turn her focus towards the rotting wood beneath her feet. There was a period of silence where neither of them knew who was going to start this whole ‘discussion’. When so much was left unsaid where did you begin? “I assume you have questions.” That was a given, Jay knew. He’d expected her to at least look at him, when this close to her she would never have looked anywhere else. Before it all went down at least.

“When did you get engaged?” She asked, chewing on the skin around her fingers not liking that all of this was happening and the buzz she’d been sporting had started to wear off. She needed the artificial confidence, she was relying on it right now to keep her sat next to the man she’d been avoiding talking to for months

“Same day we got married.” Y/n was slightly more content knowing that it hadn’t been a complete secret. If he had been hiding their engagement for a while and then gotten married maybe she’d be a little bit more mad. But the result was all the same. He’d gotten married and she wasn’t 100% sure she would know now, had it not been for her daughter that couldn’t keep a secret to save her life.

“Which was?” She pressed further, not liking how he seemed to be avoiding answering directly. 

“Last Tuesday.”

“I assume it wasn’t big get together?” She knew the answer. For Jay not to invite Ruby, it had to be something small. 

“Just me and her.” He responded.

“Intimiate. Cute.” Wanting to roll her eyes, she resisted the urge instead mumbling the words showing she couldn’t care less despite being the one to ask the question. However Jay didn’t hold anything back, his eyes flicking back quickly as his foot kicked a rock around.

“Don’t lie to me.” The order made Y/n look at him incredulously.

“Don’t tell me what to do.” She snapped back. “Does everyone know?” 

“The unit know if that’s what you mean.” He confessed, realising he might be throwing all his friends under the bus but he didn’t entirely know the full extent yet. Nodding her head, Y/n’s gaze ran off as her thoughts consumed her mind. “The rings were kind of a give away.” Jay confessed, bringing the attention to what rested on his finger.

“Of course.” She should have known. It was all making a lot more sense. Y/n’s mind suddenly thought of her earlier conversation with her sister, and she couldn’t stop herself from searching for answers. “Were you seeing her whilst we were still together?”

“What? No. No, absolutely not.” Jay shook his head vigorously, lips parting in surprise. “Why would you even think that?”

“Six months ago I was engaged and now my fiancee is married to another woman. What do you mean why would I think that?” Incredible, she thought. She didn’t remember Jay being so… dumb. In the emotional sense at least. A few years back he could take a brief glance in her eyes and tell every thought she’d produced in the last 30 minutes. To him, she had been a book made for Kindergarteners. Now, she was written in a foreign language hidden on the top shelf of the bookcase that he simply couldn’t reach.

“Yeah but- that doesn’t have anything to do with us. I wouldn’t have done that to you, Y/n. I loved you, I still love you-.” Jay began, letting his tongue run away with him until a tut from Y/n’s mouth silenced him and his brain finally caught up with the sounds his mouth was making.

“No. We aren’t doing that. You don’t love me!” Shrugging him off, Y/n didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want to know how everything would be okay, because he still cared for her. What was she meant to do with that? He was married now. He was most likely planning on starting a family with Hailey and he was leaving her to unravel at the thought that he still loved her? He was selfish. He was cruel. He would forever be her tormentor.

“Hailey and I just happened, after we broke up I was vulnerable. I needed her and she was there, it just felt natural being together. And I don’t want to be without her, getting married was the right choice for us.” The way he spoke was slow and soft, as though waiting for her to suddenly blow and everything around them to crumble into dust. He didn’t trust her to be calm about the situation, and rightfully so, Y/n could think of many words to describe how she was feeling and calm wasn’t in the top 1000. “I want to apologise. The way that I handled this whole thing was so wrong of me. I didn’t want to hurt you, I never did.” Jay confessed, but Y/n was having none of it. Shaking her head in amazement, sending him the fakest of grins.

“Do you even know what you are apologising for, Jay?” She didn’t know if she was angry, frustrated or just straight up sad. Everything was melting together in her head when their eyes met, he knew how she could get drawn in them when they were on her. Maybe that explained the look in them. Clearing her throat, Y/n realised this was her time to get everything off her chest. He was offering up the floor for it, she knew this was her one and only chance. “I lost everything. I lost my fiancé, my ideal happy family, I lost my friends. I haven’t heard from Kim, Kevin, Adam, any of them since we broke up. I thought they were our friends, but it turns out all these years I was just your plus one in the friend group. Do you know how alone I felt- feel? And then to find out when I was struggling to get out of bed, let alone feed myself and look after my daughter, you were out dating again? Getting engaged? Getting married? Fuck, if I didn’t have that little girl in there I don’t know where I would have ended up.”

“Don’t say that.” 

“You told me not to lie to you.” She bit back. “What we had, it was good wasn’t it? Like for the last six months I have been trying to pin point the moment you stopped loving me. And I know we had trouble towards the end and I didn’t fully bounce back after having Ruby but what did I do to make you stop loving me?” She rambled, arms crossing over her chest as she noted that the temperature had dropped massively since she’d been out earlier. 

“You didn’t do anything.” He rejected immediately, brows furrowing thinking that those thoughts ever passed her mind. They’d shared so many ‘I love yous’ over the years it was hard for him to comprehend that for even a second she would think he ever didn’t love her. Everyone they met always commented on the way they adored each other, Jay had been teased about it at work for years and had not let it bother him for he knew it was true. But this whole time Y/n had not? “I never stopped loving you, that was never the issue.”

“Then enlighten me, please.” She begged, eyes wide pleading for him to disclose something that would cool the scolding mark that irritated her mind every waking moment. 

“It was all me. You did nothing wrong.” Holding her face in his hands, his touch was gentle as he cupped her cheeks. Feeling the heat under them, he internally smiled knowing that despite the drastic changes she somewhere inside still was very much victim to his touch. A little reminder of the love that they had created and endured over their long term relationship. Y/n tried to pull away, not believing his take on ‘it’s not you it’s me’. However Jay seemed to hold on tighter, shaking his head. “I’m being serious. I don’t know what happened but I wasn’t happy with who I was anymore. I couldn’t settle in my own skin, I felt like I was trapped and I just needed out.” 

“So it wasn’t me,” Y/n sniffed, no longer ashamed to let the repressed sadness overflow onto her face. “I didn’t do anything wrong?” She questioned, feeling six months worth of confusion lift from her chest and shoulders. Hiding her face in her heads, she soon felt Jay wrap his arm around her shoulders, pulling her in close with his forehead pressed against the side of her head where he let out a small breath of air, feeling his air ways tighten and eyes water. He’d let her suffer, simmer in the unknown all alone, he was a terrible person. God, he knew it. Seeing her break wasn’t a common sight, and that ripped through him over and over as he inhaled the same perfume she’d been wearing since they started dating.

“I couldn’t have asked to be loved by a better woman than you, Y/n Y/l/n,” He assured with a low voice, pressing is lips against the top of her head, lips lingering as he looked up to the stars and his tears began to stroll down his cheeks. “You are beautiful, inside and out. And I am sorry that for even a moment I ever treated you like you weren’t. But that’s on me, not you.” Pressing a second, then a third kiss on her head. The both just sat there crying whilst the man cradled the woman, knowing that he couldn’t let go of her just yet. Despite thinking about his wife sat at home waiting for him, he was instinctively pulled back to Y/n every time. 

“I didn’t think that there would ever be a time after you Jay. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do now.” Her admission was one the man hadn’t expected when the conversation first started. Gently moving her hair from her face to get a full look at her face, his bottom lip trembled with sadness knowing all the responsibility for it was his own. 

“You’ll find someone,” He nodded with a reassuring smile, although sadness was all that Y/n could see. “Someone far better than me who will treat you like you should have been treated. I promise you this world has a lot more to offer than what I was able to give you.” Both of them cracked the smallest smiles at one another, as it finally dawned on the pair that this was actually it. There had been a couple of fights that they had in the past that had lead them to having a short break, normally it was no longer than a week and it’d end with both of them apologising profusely and realising how stupid the entire ‘fight’ had been. However this time it felt far more permeant, for it was. Jay was married, it still didn’t feel right to admit but Y/n knew she couldn’t hide from the truth. There was no going back to how it was, never again. 

Taking his hands off his face, she kept them in her own looking down at them and stopping her gaze on the thick metal ring that was a constant reminder of the blonde that was back home waiting for him. Jay watched hesitantly, not sure what was happening as his hands were being comfortably held in a way only Y/n could hold them. It reminded him of the early days of their relationship, where they’d lay in bed late at night, her tucked in his sides and she would trace the patterns of her palms telling him what each like was and what it meant for his future. Sometimes he’d find it difficult to listen for the sight of her stole his attention every time. She was so beautiful, she still was. There was no other woman like Y/n Y/l/n he’d decided long ago.

“You should probably get back. She must be worried.” Y/n whispered, gently placing Jay’s hands back onto his knees. They both turned back to face the night and away form each other, neither of them making a move to get up or distance themselves. They knew this wasn’t ‘goodbye’, the little girl that was sound asleep in the house assured that much. They would be in one another’s life for the rest of time, perhaps why it was that much harder to process. They didn’t know how to me ‘Jay’ and ‘Y/n’ for they had always been ‘Jay and Y/n’. “I’m-,” Y/n broke the silence, stopping as she choked on her words. Eyes not moving from looking ahead, despite Jay turning to look at her again. “I’m happy that you are happy.” She finally got out, glancing over at him for a moment she flashed him a miniature sad but honest and genuine smile. “I’m happy that she makes you happy.”