#unincorporated

go listen to unincorporated Part 1 & Part 2 free on youtube or on the fatt patreon podcast feed~~~

Transcript:

Ali: I could be, I could be Joey Trevino [laughs].

Sylvi: Oh my god.

Ali: And call up Nate, and be like, what’s going on with the car, buddy?

Keith: Would that too easily solve that I don’t know where I’m supposed to take it? Or, do I think you’re lying to me?

Sylvi: It could be— it could be him calling being like, why haven’t you picked it up yet?

Keith: Oh right, this is the seller of the car.

Janine: What— I have an idea, I have an idea. What if he just got his wisdom teeth out, and he’s got cotton balls in his cheeks, and you think he’s a vampire.

[Keith howls with laughter, Ali wheezes]

Sylvi: Oh my god.

Keith: Does that too easily solve anything for ya?

Ali: chuckles]

Keith: This smacks of the undead!

[Janine and Ali chuckle]

Ali: Brrrrrrng brng! Brrrrrrng brng!

Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh, yeah.

Ali: [wheezing] It’s real— I have to do this?

Keith: Yeah.

Janine: You can put—

Ali: [muffled noises, and then muffled laughter]

Ali (as Joey): Hello?

Janine: Maybe less. Maybe a bit less.

Ali: Okay. Yeah, okay.

Ali (as Joey): [muffled] Hello? Are you there?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Hello?

[Ali wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): [muffled voice] It’s Joey.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh sorry, who’s calling?

Ali (as Joey): It’s Joey.

Keith (as Nathaniel): This is Joey’s phone, who are you?

Ali (as Joey): No no no, I’m Joey. I’m calling Nate.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Speaking.

[Ali wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): What’s up, bro?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh, nothing. What’s up, what’s going on?

Ali (as Joey): You didn’t pick up the car yet.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. I’m at work, like I said.

Ali (as Joey): I know! But like, come out.

Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s the middle of the day, can’t you come outside?

Ali (as Joey): No bro, I can’t. I’m hurting extremely. Because I’m on medication. 

Keith (as Nathaniel): Medication.

[Ali wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): Yeah, I— 

Keith: Okay.

Ali (as Joey): Put two and two together. 

Janine: Is there any vampire medication?

Keith (as Nathaniel): I think I’m very quickly putting two and two together.

[Ali laughs]

Ali (as Joey): When are you gonna pick it up?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Look. I’ll come right after work.

Ali (as Joey): When is that?

Keith (as Nathaniel): If. If, you can do me one thing.

Ali (as Joey): Um. It depends on the thing.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Get a newspaper with today’s date, take a selfie of you outside in the sun, and send it to me?

Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about? I can’t—

Janine: Mirror selfie. Mirror selfie would work too.

Ali: [chuckles]

Ali (as Joey): Bring me a newspaper. I can’t go get a newspaper, I can’t drive.

Keith (as Nathaniel): I can’t bring you a newspaper, you don’t have a— you don’t get the news?

Ali (as Joey): No! What are you talking about?

Keith (as Nathaniel): How do you get your news?

Ali (as Joey): [short pause] TV.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Oh. Sure. TV.

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch Channel 3?

Keith (as Nathaniel): I don’t watch Channel 3—do they even make channels that low?

Ali: [laughs]

Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch Primetime? You don’t watch Weather Hour?

Keith (as Nathaniel): No!

Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch the Weather Hour DJ set?

Keith (as Nathaniel): No! I have a—

Janine: Frying Time? Is one of those Frying Time?

Keith (as Nathaniel): [chuckles] I actually didn’t catch that last one, what was the last one?

Ali (as Joey): [laughs] The Weather Hour DJ set?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Weather Hour DJ set—no, I have a subscription to an observatory and they call me twice a day to tell me the weather forecast.

Ali (as Joey): When are you picking up the car?

Sylvi: [laughs]

Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m picking up the car when you take a selfie in front of a bathroom mirror.

Ali (as Joey): Um, I don’t recall that we know each other that well, I’m really flattered? But I’m on medication right now, so I don’t think that like—

Keith (as Nathaniel): Nor– just a normal picture! Just in the bathroom!

Janine: Just FaceTime in the bathroom.

Ali (as Joey): I just think that like, you know, when I feel love, we can go out to dinner or whatever? But I’m not gonna like send you a picture.

Keith (as Nathaniel): What do you think I’m asking you for?

Ali (as Joey): For a selfie. With myself in the bathroom, bro.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. It’s not that weird.

Ali: [wheezes] Sorr— [laughs] I just— [wheezes]

Sylvi: Yeah, you—

Ali: I’ve been biting off the fucking— [wheezes] sleeve of my sweather this whole time— [laughs]

Keith: [bursts out in laughter]

Janine: You committed so well, you deserve to— you deserve your rest. You’ve never committed to a bit more.

Sylvi: It’s so—! That was so good.

[Hard Luck Transition Music]

Ali (as Joey): [muffled] I sent the picture.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay. What is that?

Ali (as Joey): What do you mean?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Why are you all bloody?

Ali (as Joey): I’ve just got surgery, man! I can’t open and see, I got my teeth out.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Teeth out?

Ali (as Joey): I got my teeth out! I tried to get it—

Keith (as Nathaniel): Teeth out.

Ali (as Joey): Yeah yeah yeah. Doctor Yanko.

Keith (as Nathaniel): This is bad.

Janine: Doctor Yanko?

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): When are you picking up the car?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Doctor Yanko? I don’t even think Doctor Yanko lives in this town anymore.

Ali (as Joey): When do you get off work?

Keith (as Nathaniel): 5 o’ clock.

Ali (as Joey): And, you’re getting here 5.30? 6? 5.15?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. Be there at 5.15.

Ali (as Joey): Okay. I just want you to know—

Keith (as Nathaniel): I can’t understand you. Bye.

[Ali laughs, Janine chuckles]

Ali: Wonderful. 

Keith: How wet is your sleeve?

Ali: [laughs] Not as bad as you think, I think the first bite was worse than the second one, obviously?

Sylvi: Damn, vampire moment.

[Hard Luck Transition Music]

Keith: No, I don’t knock on the door. I go over to the car, and I yell for Joey— do we know who Joey is? Who’s playing Joey? Wait—

Sylvi: It was Ali before.

Keith: Ali was playing Joey.

Ali: I was Joey at the time, yeah.

Keith: Yeah. Would you like to remain Joey?

Ali: Sure… [wheezes]

Keith: Sure.

Sylvi: [chuckles]

Keith (as Nathaniel): [shouting] Joey!!!

Ali (as Joey): Hold on. Hold on a second. Okay okay okay. What’s poppin’, bro?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Come on— come out!!!

Ali: I come outside. [laughs]

Keith (as Nathaniel): Oh! Well what the fuck!

Ali: [wheezes] I’m like standing on the deck. Like the door. You know how—

Keith: Are you— is there an awning over you?

Ali: I think so, yeah. So like a concrete sails/step situation.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Come here! Come over here!

Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Come give me the keys to the car!

Ali (as Joey): I’ll throw ‘em to you.

Keith (as Nathaniel): No! Come. Over!

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): Why do you keep fucking around, man?

Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m not fucking around. You’re fucking around.

Ali (as Joey): I just need you to drop off this car.

Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m being serious about this. Deadly serious.

Ali: [snorts, chuckles]

Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay, lemme—

Janine: Bring a stake— did Nate bring a stake? I need to know.

Keith: Yeah, I almost tried to grab Jenny for this scene, and give her a backpack full of stakes.

Ali: [laughs]

Sylvi: We could’ve done that!

Keith: But I just had a different idea.

Janine: [chuckles]

Sylvi: Yeah, no worries.

Ali (as Joey): Okay. One second, one second, one second.

Ali: I go back inside. I put on a hoodie. I zip it up. I put the hood up [wheezes]. And then I— I’m holding both of my hands in the kangaroo pocket, you know, how you put it in a kangaroo pocket.

Keith (as Nathaniel): What are you doing? Why are you doing that?

Ali (as Joey): It’s cold out.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Why didn’t you just come here? It’s not cold out! It’s four forty-five in July! It is eighty six degrees.

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): This weather is making me sleepy, man. And I’m cold. And it’s not a great day for me. But I’m about to sell this car, it’s all about to turn around.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Here. Catch!

Keith: I throw a head of garlic that I stole from produce.

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): What are you messing about my lawn for, man?

Keith (as Nathaniel): What, you just let it fall?

Ali (as Joey): Yeah, the birds will have it. I can’t chew, bro! What am I about to do with garlic?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Pick it up and toss it back to me.

Ali (as Joey): Oh my god. You want it back?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah, I want it back.

Ali (as Joey): You’re going to eat the floor garlic?

Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s covered in skin, it’s fine.

Ali: I throw the keys next to the garlic.

Ali (as Joey): Go get it.

Keith (as Nathaniel): No, you go get it.

Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about, man?

Ali: [wheezes]

Ali (as Joey): You’re acting really silly right now. And this isn’t really a silly day for me.

Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s insane that you think that I’m the one that’s acting silly, because you’re the one that’s acting silly, man!

Ali: [laughs, stifles laughter]

Ali (as Joey): Okay, fine.

Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay.

Ali (as Joey): You throwing things on the floor, expecting me to go get it.

Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s not the floor, it’s the grass. And I was throwing it to you, and you let it bounce off of you. Hands in your pockets!

Ali (as Joey): This isn’t really the energy you had on the phone, by the way. I don’t think—

Keith (as Nathaniel): The stakes have been raised, Joey!

Sylvi: Oh no.

Keith (as Nathaniel): You better watch it that they don’t get raised any higher.

Ali (as Joey): I beg your pardon?

Keith (as Nathaniel): Cause when those stakes come down, it’s your heart it’ll be piercing!

Ali: [wheezes]

Sylvi: Holy fuck.

Ali (as Joey): You keep acting like that, you’re not piercing anybody’s heart, man. It was cuter before you know, send me a picture, send me a picture! I don’t know about this garlic shit.

Keith (as Nathaniel): I didn’t say send me a picture, send me a picture!

Ali: [laughs, wheezes]

Keith (as Nathaniel): I said, if you want me to sell your car, I need a photograph! It’s different!

Ali (as Joey): Yeah, okay so you—

Keith (as Nathaniel): Take your hands out of your pockets, pick up the garlic and the keys, and pass them over here.

Ali: [wheezes] I do that. I go and pick them up— I pick up the keys first,

Keith: Okay.

Ali: And then I hold the garlic in your hand.

Keith: In your hand?

Ali: Over, like I hold them both. [wheezes]

Keith: What do you mean, describe what’s happening. What am I seeing?

Ali: So the— the keys are against my palm.

Keith: Okay.

Ali: The garlic is on the keys. And then the tips— [wheezes] the tips of my fingers are squeezing the garlic.

Keith: Okay.

Sylvi: Yeah, this is the type of guy who’d paint Goku on his car.

Ali: [wheezing]

Keith: I’m running up to Joey— I’m running up to Joey, I’m going to pick him up—

Ali: What!

Keith: Take his hoodie off, and run into the sun.

Ali: [wheezes]

Sylvi: You gotta roll!

Ali: Yeah, you’re gonna have to roll for that.

Keith: Yeah! This is a roll, this is a Jock roll, yes.

Janine: But also, two Jock. This is— yeah, Mega Jock.