you ever have to go sell some guy's goku car after work but he might be a vampire
go listen to unincorporated Part 1 & Part 2 free on youtube or on the fatt patreon podcast feed~~~
Transcript:
Ali: I could be, I could be Joey Trevino [laughs].
Sylvi: Oh my god.
Ali: And call up Nate, and be like, what’s going on with the car, buddy?
Keith: Would that too easily solve that I don’t know where I’m supposed to take it? Or, do I think you’re lying to me?
Sylvi: It could be— it could be him calling being like, why haven’t you picked it up yet?
Keith: Oh right, this is the seller of the car.
Janine: What— I have an idea, I have an idea. What if he just got his wisdom teeth out, and he’s got cotton balls in his cheeks, and you think he’s a vampire.
[Keith howls with laughter, Ali wheezes]
Sylvi: Oh my god.
Keith: Does that too easily solve anything for ya?
Ali: chuckles]
Keith: This smacks of the undead!
[Janine and Ali chuckle]
Ali: Brrrrrrng brng! Brrrrrrng brng!
Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh, yeah.
Ali: [wheezing] It’s real— I have to do this?
Keith: Yeah.
Janine: You can put—
Ali: [muffled noises, and then muffled laughter]
Ali (as Joey): Hello?
Janine: Maybe less. Maybe a bit less.
Ali: Okay. Yeah, okay.
Ali (as Joey): [muffled] Hello? Are you there?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Hello?
[Ali wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): [muffled voice] It’s Joey.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh sorry, who’s calling?
Ali (as Joey): It’s Joey.
Keith (as Nathaniel): This is Joey’s phone, who are you?
Ali (as Joey): No no no, I’m Joey. I’m calling Nate.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Speaking.
[Ali wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): What’s up, bro?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Uh, nothing. What’s up, what’s going on?
Ali (as Joey): You didn’t pick up the car yet.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. I’m at work, like I said.
Ali (as Joey): I know! But like, come out.
Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s the middle of the day, can’t you come outside?
Ali (as Joey): No bro, I can’t. I’m hurting extremely. Because I’m on medication.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Medication.
[Ali wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): Yeah, I—
Keith: Okay.
Ali (as Joey): Put two and two together.
Janine: Is there any vampire medication?
Keith (as Nathaniel): I think I’m very quickly putting two and two together.
[Ali laughs]
Ali (as Joey): When are you gonna pick it up?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Look. I’ll come right after work.
Ali (as Joey): When is that?
Keith (as Nathaniel): If. If, you can do me one thing.
Ali (as Joey): Um. It depends on the thing.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Get a newspaper with today’s date, take a selfie of you outside in the sun, and send it to me?
Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about? I can’t—
Janine: Mirror selfie. Mirror selfie would work too.
Ali: [chuckles]
Ali (as Joey): Bring me a newspaper. I can’t go get a newspaper, I can’t drive.
Keith (as Nathaniel): I can’t bring you a newspaper, you don’t have a— you don’t get the news?
Ali (as Joey): No! What are you talking about?
Keith (as Nathaniel): How do you get your news?
Ali (as Joey): [short pause] TV.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Oh. Sure. TV.
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch Channel 3?
Keith (as Nathaniel): I don’t watch Channel 3—do they even make channels that low?
Ali: [laughs]
Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch Primetime? You don’t watch Weather Hour?
Keith (as Nathaniel): No!
Ali (as Joey): You don’t watch the Weather Hour DJ set?
Keith (as Nathaniel): No! I have a—
Janine: Frying Time? Is one of those Frying Time?
Keith (as Nathaniel): [chuckles] I actually didn’t catch that last one, what was the last one?
Ali (as Joey): [laughs] The Weather Hour DJ set?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Weather Hour DJ set—no, I have a subscription to an observatory and they call me twice a day to tell me the weather forecast.
Ali (as Joey): When are you picking up the car?
Sylvi: [laughs]
Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m picking up the car when you take a selfie in front of a bathroom mirror.
Ali (as Joey): Um, I don’t recall that we know each other that well, I’m really flattered? But I’m on medication right now, so I don’t think that like—
Keith (as Nathaniel): Nor– just a normal picture! Just in the bathroom!
Janine: Just FaceTime in the bathroom.
Ali (as Joey): I just think that like, you know, when I feel love, we can go out to dinner or whatever? But I’m not gonna like send you a picture.
Keith (as Nathaniel): What do you think I’m asking you for?
Ali (as Joey): For a selfie. With myself in the bathroom, bro.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. It’s not that weird.
Ali: [wheezes] Sorr— [laughs] I just— [wheezes]
Sylvi: Yeah, you—
Ali: I’ve been biting off the fucking— [wheezes] sleeve of my sweather this whole time— [laughs]
Keith: [bursts out in laughter]
Janine: You committed so well, you deserve to— you deserve your rest. You’ve never committed to a bit more.
Sylvi: It’s so—! That was so good.
[Hard Luck Transition Music]
Ali (as Joey): [muffled] I sent the picture.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay. What is that?
Ali (as Joey): What do you mean?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Why are you all bloody?
Ali (as Joey): I’ve just got surgery, man! I can’t open and see, I got my teeth out.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Teeth out?
Ali (as Joey): I got my teeth out! I tried to get it—
Keith (as Nathaniel): Teeth out.
Ali (as Joey): Yeah yeah yeah. Doctor Yanko.
Keith (as Nathaniel): This is bad.
Janine: Doctor Yanko?
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): When are you picking up the car?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Doctor Yanko? I don’t even think Doctor Yanko lives in this town anymore.
Ali (as Joey): When do you get off work?
Keith (as Nathaniel): 5 o’ clock.
Ali (as Joey): And, you’re getting here 5.30? 6? 5.15?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah. Be there at 5.15.
Ali (as Joey): Okay. I just want you to know—
Keith (as Nathaniel): I can’t understand you. Bye.
[Ali laughs, Janine chuckles]
Ali: Wonderful.
Keith: How wet is your sleeve?
Ali: [laughs] Not as bad as you think, I think the first bite was worse than the second one, obviously?
Sylvi: Damn, vampire moment.
[Hard Luck Transition Music]
Keith: No, I don’t knock on the door. I go over to the car, and I yell for Joey— do we know who Joey is? Who’s playing Joey? Wait—
Sylvi: It was Ali before.
Keith: Ali was playing Joey.
Ali: I was Joey at the time, yeah.
Keith: Yeah. Would you like to remain Joey?
Ali: Sure… [wheezes]
Keith: Sure.
Sylvi: [chuckles]
Keith (as Nathaniel): [shouting] Joey!!!
Ali (as Joey): Hold on. Hold on a second. Okay okay okay. What’s poppin’, bro?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Come on— come out!!!
Ali: I come outside. [laughs]
Keith (as Nathaniel): Oh! Well what the fuck!
Ali: [wheezes] I’m like standing on the deck. Like the door. You know how—
Keith: Are you— is there an awning over you?
Ali: I think so, yeah. So like a concrete sails/step situation.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Come here! Come over here!
Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Come give me the keys to the car!
Ali (as Joey): I’ll throw ‘em to you.
Keith (as Nathaniel): No! Come. Over!
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): Why do you keep fucking around, man?
Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m not fucking around. You’re fucking around.
Ali (as Joey): I just need you to drop off this car.
Keith (as Nathaniel): I’m being serious about this. Deadly serious.
Ali: [snorts, chuckles]
Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay, lemme—
Janine: Bring a stake— did Nate bring a stake? I need to know.
Keith: Yeah, I almost tried to grab Jenny for this scene, and give her a backpack full of stakes.
Ali: [laughs]
Sylvi: We could’ve done that!
Keith: But I just had a different idea.
Janine: [chuckles]
Sylvi: Yeah, no worries.
Ali (as Joey): Okay. One second, one second, one second.
Ali: I go back inside. I put on a hoodie. I zip it up. I put the hood up [wheezes]. And then I— I’m holding both of my hands in the kangaroo pocket, you know, how you put it in a kangaroo pocket.
Keith (as Nathaniel): What are you doing? Why are you doing that?
Ali (as Joey): It’s cold out.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Why didn’t you just come here? It’s not cold out! It’s four forty-five in July! It is eighty six degrees.
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): This weather is making me sleepy, man. And I’m cold. And it’s not a great day for me. But I’m about to sell this car, it’s all about to turn around.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Here. Catch!
Keith: I throw a head of garlic that I stole from produce.
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): What are you messing about my lawn for, man?
Keith (as Nathaniel): What, you just let it fall?
Ali (as Joey): Yeah, the birds will have it. I can’t chew, bro! What am I about to do with garlic?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Pick it up and toss it back to me.
Ali (as Joey): Oh my god. You want it back?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Yeah, I want it back.
Ali (as Joey): You’re going to eat the floor garlic?
Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s covered in skin, it’s fine.
Ali: I throw the keys next to the garlic.
Ali (as Joey): Go get it.
Keith (as Nathaniel): No, you go get it.
Ali (as Joey): What are you talking about, man?
Ali: [wheezes]
Ali (as Joey): You’re acting really silly right now. And this isn’t really a silly day for me.
Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s insane that you think that I’m the one that’s acting silly, because you’re the one that’s acting silly, man!
Ali: [laughs, stifles laughter]
Ali (as Joey): Okay, fine.
Keith (as Nathaniel): Okay.
Ali (as Joey): You throwing things on the floor, expecting me to go get it.
Keith (as Nathaniel): It’s not the floor, it’s the grass. And I was throwing it to you, and you let it bounce off of you. Hands in your pockets!
Ali (as Joey): This isn’t really the energy you had on the phone, by the way. I don’t think—
Keith (as Nathaniel): The stakes have been raised, Joey!
Sylvi: Oh no.
Keith (as Nathaniel): You better watch it that they don’t get raised any higher.
Ali (as Joey): I beg your pardon?
Keith (as Nathaniel): Cause when those stakes come down, it’s your heart it’ll be piercing!
Ali: [wheezes]
Sylvi: Holy fuck.
Ali (as Joey): You keep acting like that, you’re not piercing anybody’s heart, man. It was cuter before you know, send me a picture, send me a picture! I don’t know about this garlic shit.
Keith (as Nathaniel): I didn’t say send me a picture, send me a picture!
Ali: [laughs, wheezes]
Keith (as Nathaniel): I said, if you want me to sell your car, I need a photograph! It’s different!
Ali (as Joey): Yeah, okay so you—
Keith (as Nathaniel): Take your hands out of your pockets, pick up the garlic and the keys, and pass them over here.
Ali: [wheezes] I do that. I go and pick them up— I pick up the keys first,
Keith: Okay.
Ali: And then I hold the garlic in your hand.
Keith: In your hand?
Ali: Over, like I hold them both. [wheezes]
Keith: What do you mean, describe what’s happening. What am I seeing?
Ali: So the— the keys are against my palm.
Keith: Okay.
Ali: The garlic is on the keys. And then the tips— [wheezes] the tips of my fingers are squeezing the garlic.
Keith: Okay.
Sylvi: Yeah, this is the type of guy who’d paint Goku on his car.
Ali: [wheezing]
Keith: I’m running up to Joey— I’m running up to Joey, I’m going to pick him up—
Ali: What!
Keith: Take his hoodie off, and run into the sun.
Ali: [wheezes]
Sylvi: You gotta roll!
Ali: Yeah, you’re gonna have to roll for that.
Keith: Yeah! This is a roll, this is a Jock roll, yes.
Janine: But also, two Jock. This is— yeah, Mega Jock.
Sylvi: Oh 100%, but you still gotta roll it.
