#under the microscope

2. Family!

You learn early on that Shuai Jiamo's mother and father died in a house fire when he was fairly young, leaving him alone in the world. By the time you meet him as an adult, though, he's been basically adopted by two wonderful siblings: ass-kicking older sister Feng Biyu and ride-or-die baby brother Feng Baoyu.

She's a bossy butcher who works her tail off so her dipshit younger sibling can one day grow up to be a fancy Ming Dynasty official. He's a well-meaning but naive young scholar who prefers gambling and hanging out with his math-loving bestie to studying. Together they are going to save their favorite math boy from the trouble he's gotten himself into, or die trying.

This is not much of a fighting show, but Feng Biyu's character introduction is an excuse for her to bludgeon some bad guys with cured meat, and I am here for it.

Shuai Jiamo is the main character, but Feng Baoyu is the one who really has the most significant arc. When you meet him, he's on track to take his big government exams and become an official, but it's obvious he's just doing this because it's what he's supposed to do. Over the course of the series, he gets some hard reality checks about what life is actually like outside his semi-privileged little bubble, and he's got to step up and grow up.

The age gap between these two and their own lack of other family members quietly tells you a lot. Biyu has obviously had to parent her brother for quite some time now, and she's more than ready for him to get his shit together and leave the nest. But Baoyu's not quite ready yet, so she's got to do her best to look out for him even as he steps into parts of society she can't enter.

They're just a wonderful pair who have rolled Shuai Jiamo right up into their lives! Three unmarried adult siblings making their own unconventional little family! Precious and wonderful!

3. History!

Which, yeah, okay, we've all seen c-dramas with plenty of actual history -- but that history usually winds up being the well-documented fancy history of fancy rich people doing fancy rich things. Under the Microscope is farmer history.

This show has been praised by many people who aren't me about how it takes time to tell a story far, far from imperial centers of power. There are some rich people in the drama, but they're rich like the shady guy who owns the most successful car dealership in a Midwest city of 100,000 is rich. We are so far away from anything approaching a palace. Characters mention the Emperor, sure, but it's debatable if anyone of them have ever even seen the Emperor, and he sure as hell is never going to make a cameo.

No brightly colored silks or high-saturation landscapes here -- everything is drab and smoky, dusty and dry. Or wet! It rains a fair bit in the show, and not the weird fake sheets of water you get from rain machines, but the actual spattering you get when actual weather does what actual weather's gonna do. Things look like what you imagine things might actually have looked like from a Ming Dynasty farmer's-eye view.

Look, I'm not remotely well-read enough to get in here and declare this historically accurate or inaccurate, so don't quote me on that. But I will say that it feels more real-life than a lot of other historical productions I've seen. People's outfits feel like clothes instead of costumes. Sleeves get tied back, wigs are messy, mesh hats have irregular weave, robes sport obvious patches -- everything feels lived in. Even the fancy robes the officials wear seem like something people would actually wear (except, of course, that stupid red cape, but that's appropriate, because we hate the dude who wears it).

Like I said up top, the guy who directed this also directed Reunion, which was another drama that wound up being way more visually interesting than its subject material would suggest. Under the Microsope winds up looking lovely without being pretentious! It just relies on some very nice, very visually intelligible cinematography.

It also probably makes sense to put this here: I never understood the math they're doing here, and I never needed to, because the camera actually does the heavy lifting of conveying what's happening. So if you're a little apprehensive about stepping into a show that's substantially about plane geometry? Don't be! It's made so you can picture what's happening if you can't follow the exact calculations.

4. Dudes!

The main trio aside, the bulk of the cast is talented older male character actors who are obviously having a fine time being jolly and/or sinister, as their characters call for it.

There are some good faces in this cast. I've seen a couple other Ma Boyong adaptations (the Wind Blows from Longxi, the Longest Day in Chang'an, we just started Luoyang), and I was pleased to find that Under the Microscope continues the trend of finding lots of strong roles for middle-aged men whose faces are the opposite of Instagram Face. Chariot Face, maybe we should call it. Theirs are faces perfectly made to worry about what will happen the next time the Yellow River overflows its banks.

It's important that these actors can keep the show going, too, because this is ultimately a courtroom drama. While there's still plenty of action that takes place elsewhere, the bulk of the plot has to be settled by conversations held either in a court or in the stuffy backrooms of power. For that to work, you need a bunch of guys you like to see just talking to one another! Fortunately, Under the Microscope has cast plenty of those guys.

Of course, Wang Yang is a bit of a handsome standout in the bunch, and not only because they keep him smooth-cheeked. I'd only ever seen him be Bad Daddy from the Rebel, so it was a treat to see him in more of a comedy sleaze role. He's a slimy lawyer who gets less slimy as the show progresses, until you're like, okay, I guess we'll let you flirt with Cool Jiejie.

Also, if you like the vibe of "these two guys were never married, but they're definitely divorced now," wait until you see him with his horrible ex-classmate.

This is definitely a dude story about dudes. The whole story here is a tale that takes place in the parts of the premodern world that women simply could not enter. There are like three whole ladies in the cast, and while they're great, they're definitely there to support the dude-focused action. So if you're up for a story about actual grown-ass adult men, this should do you just fine.

It is also not gay. I mean, read what you will into various male friendships and enemyships here, but putting aside my unmarried-divorced-guys joke up there, it's all pretty straight. And I think this is great! It's one of those rare stories about strong male relationships that doesn't become so misogynistic that it loops back around Naruto-style to being gay.

5. KITTY!

There is a kitty.

The kitty is friend.

The kitty is fluffy.

The kitty is good.

Do you love a kitty?

Because this show has a kitty.

Read to add (get it? math joke?) this to your list?

We watched it on iQiyi; Amazon Prime has it as well, though apparently the subtitle timing there is a mess.

As I alluded to in the first point up there, whoever translated the iQiyi subtitles made some ... hm, interesting vocabulary choices. Clearly there's lots of period-specific terms being thrown around in the original Chinese dialogue, but instead of localizing those words, the translators seem to have chosen the nearest antiquated English equivalent and just run with it, no matter how little that word has been spoken in the last two centuries or so. You may have to stop partway through and look up some of these obscure terms for feudal land arrangements or government organizations. But hey! You may learn something!

(I have also never seen Joy of Life, so while I can see that there's a pretty substantial cast overlap going on here, I have nothing in particular to say about the connections between the two. If you'd like to, though, feel free to add your thoughts on to a reblog!)

After Dragon confirmed your worst fears, you shut yourself off to the world, focusing only on what you could produce for the Revolutionary Army. You spent every second of your time in your lab and reacted like a wild animal when anyone tried to stop you. You knew you were lashing out but you couldn’t stop yourself from your violent reactions. Even Dragon had backed off after you shrank his whiskey and hid it until he let you back in your lab. You had the sense that everyone was concerned for you, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.  You didn’t want to hear any pithy sayings, or get a pat on the arm, or pulled into a hug or anything like that.  No, there was no more time.

Everyone was scared for and of you, but they didn’t grasp the full impact of what the world had seen. No one did. Sabo’s death was destroying you from the inside, but the pressure to defend the free world was crushing you. The power that Imu and the World Government had shown was incomprehensible, something that you’d never thought you would witness in your lifetime. 

You alone could come up with something to help fight the World Government, to undo the damage you’d already wrought in the world. Dragon said that you were all working together, but what could they do against a weapon like that? No, you needed to work and create a solution to that horrible weapon. And how could you rest when so many people’s lives were at stake? You didn’t dare to take any time off – you needed to crack how the World Government had powered those weapons and quickly.

So you holed up in your lab day after day, endlessly toiling to understand the Mother Flame and the ancient weapons it was powering. Yes, your constant working was self destructive, but you didn’t care. You would rather spend your time working and thinking about your discoveries than have to process your feelings about Sabo and his death.

It wasn’t long after he left that you came to terms with your true feelings for him – you were hopelessly in love with Sabo. Yes, your meeting had come with a rocky start but by now you couldn’t imagine living in a world that didn’t include Sabo. Which made the news of his tragic and untimely death all the worse – you’d missed your opportunity. Someone had said something about more fish in the sea, but you knew better. There was only one person for you, and unfortunately, he was no longer.

So any second that wasn’t being consumed with work had you wracked with guilt and regret. How could you have let things end that way between you and Sabo? Sabo had given his life to free the people of the world and you couldn’t even be brave enough to admit your romantic feelings to him. Every time you thought about Sabo you’d end up in tears so you forced yourself to push him to the side, to deal with him later, once you finally cracked the Mother Flame.

Ace had called a few times, saying something about Sabo’s vivre paper, but you ignored the calls and let it go to message. You were sure Ace was having an extremely difficult time with the loss of his brother and needed support, but you were feeling selfish. You didn’t want to talk to Ace, you didn’t want to talk to Dragon, you didn’t want to do anything but bury yourself in work in the hope that it would kill the overwhelming grief and regret that stabbed at you every day. And without anyone to stop you, you worked until you passed out and then began the process again. 

But right now you actually felt somewhat alright. You must have fallen asleep on the floor rather than on your desk this time, you thought as you stretched your limbs out. Your hand was resting on something soft – was that a pillow? You opened up your eyes a little more and tried to rub at the other. Something was amiss – what happened before you went to sleep? Had someone finally dragged you out of the lab? Were you still asleep?

Looking around, your heart fell as you saw where you were. You were in Sabo’s room, the one right next to your own. When Sabo had first left, you’d spent your nights sleeping in his bed rather than your own. You deluded yourself into thinking you could still feel his warmth and smell his particular smoky scent, no matter how foolish the notion was. It was better than sleeping in your own room, alone, for the first time in however many months. Loneliness pricked at you night after night, but you had thoughts of Sabo returning home to keep you sated and happy. 

However, after the destruction of Lulusia, you’d taken to living in the lab rather than having to come back and see Sabo’s belongings time after time. Everything in his room was one more reminder of your failures, both personal and professional. You hadn’t ever confessed to him, and you hadn’t prevented the destruction of an entire nation at the hands of the World Government. You didn’t deserve better than living like a mangy dog. 

Sabo’s room felt more like a slap in the face than the gentle caress it had before, and you were too cowardly to confront the realities once more. So instead, you stayed in your microscopic lab, flagellating yourself by sleeping on the floor or on your desk. Sabo would have reprimanded you, but he wasn’t around to do that any longer.

As your thoughts turned back towards Sabo (as they always did) you brought your finger to your mouth and found them all bandaged. You picked at one of the bandages, trying to remember which one was the least bitten. At some point you had taken to bandaging them, since your fingers were bleeding all over your papers. But you usually left one available, your need to worry at your skin too overpowering to allow your fingers to heal. 

Instead, you looked out the window for the first time. Like your room, Sabo’s was arranged so that you could easily see out of your right eye without turning your head. It was one of the small details that you’d never think of, but that he always did. Your heart constricted with the thoughts of Sabo and his cleverness, his thoughtfulness, and his intelligence. That was all gone now, and you had to go back to work. Luckily, you could summon Dream Sabo at will now, who could be your companion until you finally snapped your tether to reality.

Wait, hadn’t something happened with Dream Sabo yesterday? You rubbed your forehead, trying to remember exactly what your dream had been. Even though Dream Sabo always hurt your heart when you woke, you didn’t want the hallucinations to stop. It was merely wish fulfillment, you knew that, but you couldn’t stop yourself from wanting him to be real for the few moments you could still have him. It was delusional and self destructive, but you didn’t care. 

At first, you only saw Dream Sabo when you were asleep. You did some quick research on lucid dreaming and began interacting with your Dream Sabo that way. But you realized you were starting to lose it when Sabo started appearing as hallucinations while you were awake. It was a welcome change from the loneliness that you felt and you often talked to him or did other activities. Dream Sabo was your near constant companion. He was your outlet for everything you wished you could have said or done. You were aware that he was an illusion, but you couldn’t bring yourself to stop. 

Thinking back to the previous night, Dream Sabo had been the most elaborate and wonderful creation you’d ever made, complete with sensation and smell. Dream Sabo had finally convinced you that he had come home again and that he was back in your arms. You didn’t go as far as you normally did, only kissing and some light fondling, but that was OK. Even the dreams with conversation were a respite from the emotions that threatened to break you. Your heart constricted at the thought of Sabo coming home. That was always the worst part – waking up.

You turned over in the bed, your overworked brain thinking you’d caught his scent one last time. Tears pricked your vision as you inhaled deeply – Sabo was gone, and there was nothing you could do about it. You’d begged him not to trick you again, but your wishful thinking overpowered your loneliness time and again. 

Last night, like always, you told Sabo that you loved him and that you regretted not telling him sooner. You felt a tear tracking down your cheek as you remembered his warmth, his smile, and even his stare. You almost hoped you dreamed of him like that again, but it made living in the real world so much harder. Koala had told you that you needed to accept his death, but her words had made you too upset to listen to. You’d enlarged her hat to cover her before she could continue patronizing you. 

You looked down and humphed – you had changed your clothes before you went to sleep. Normally, you wore Sabo’s old blue shirt, but you had changed for a clean white one and nothing else. Eh, what did you care? You were probably due for a change of clothes anyway, and definitely a shower. 

You gave a heavy sigh in preparation for the day (looking out the window, it seemed it was late morning). Back to the grind, you thought, swinging your legs over the bed. 

“Time for work,” you said to yourself, trying to remember where exactly you’d left off on your experiments. You were getting closer to cracking the Mother Flame day by day but you were still quite far from finishing the project. As soon as your feet made contact with the ground, your head swiveled towards the sound of a creaking chair. You weren’t alone? You internally cursed, your drive towards a singular goal was always the cause of trouble.

“Absolutely not,” a familiar voice stated, set with determination. You smiled at your man, Dream Sabo coming into view as you turned your head farther to the left. He was sitting at the small writing desk by the wall, going through the stacks of papers that had been left for him. He looked like he always had, tall and slim, his blond hair over his bad eye, his familiar gloves on both hands. Even his goggled top hat resting on his desk, a detail that wasn’t always there in your dreams. You really must be feeling better to get something like that down.

“Hiya Sabo,” you said brightly, stretching your arms overhead. “Did you change my clothes?” you asked, mildly curious. Obviously, you had been the one to do it but maybe Dream Sabo would have something interesting to say.

“I did, yes. And I think this is a new record for you, you slept for 18 hours,” Sabo said, almost proudly. He crossed the room and sat down on the edge of the bed near you, watching you calmly.

“No wonder I feel refreshed," you said with a hum, your mind already wandering back to your experiments. 

“Sunny, do you know where you are? What’s going on?” he asked, concern etched in the furrowing of his brows. You laughed a little, he was being so cute today. It seemed like you were really in Sabo’s room, so you’d have to make your way back to the lab. You could pass by the mess hall on the way and get fresh coffee, something you weren’t sure you’d had in a while.

“Yeah, I do. I think I’m actually in Sabo’s room, I must have wandered back here. It’s ok though, I can find my lab again. I probably left it outside,” you said with a shrug. “What’s going on is that I need to get back to work and continue working –” Sabo’s hand reached for yours, holding your hand loosely.

“No. You’re not working today. You’re in really bad shape, Sunny. You haven’t been taking care of yourself at all,” he continued, squeezing your hand.

“Aw, quit it Sabo,” you griped without heat. What was he going to do – stop you? Sitting up, you stretched your legs and prepared to get back to it. No sense in delaying what needed to be done, excellent Dream Sabo or not.

“Well, I’m off –”

“No. You’re not,” Sabo said, serious this time as his fingertips settled against your upper chest, preventing you from getting out of the bed. You laughed in his face, you loved when you imagined him this way. It was so similar to how Sabo actually was that it was impossible not to enjoy when he stood up to you in your imagination.

“Alright, alright. I’ll take a shower first. Is that better? And are you joining me?” you asked with a chuckle, standing up and stretching your arms over your head. Sabo sputtered, his eyes fixed to your naked thighs that lifting your arms revealed. You weren’t wearing anything underneath either, you remembered as cool air hit your ass. Sabo hadn’t missed that detail either, as his gaze was riveted to you.

“Oh, uh. I – yes. Yes. Yes, of course,” Sabo said, his attention not wavering as you started unbuttoning his shirt. He was already in the process of removing his gloves when he shook himself slightly. His hair fell back over his bad eye as he looked up at you.

“Wait, no. No, Sunny. I’m not joining you, not yet,” he corrected himself. You shifted your weight to one foot and jutted your hip, confused by his actions. Dream Sabo always joined you in the shower…

“What? But you always shower with me when you’re around. Do you not love me anymore?” you said with a pout. What an erratic Dream Sabo, you thought. He stood up and quickly reached for you, cupping your face in his warm hands. You smiled as you looked up at his sincere face, a little sorry for having teased him so much. Dream Sabo was only a dream, after all. 

“I love you with every fiber of my being. I would love to join you in the shower. I’ve dreamed of it myself many, many times. But I can’t do it now. Not like this. You still think I’m dead,” Sabo said with a frown.

“Sabo, don’t,” you said, backing away from him slowly. This Dream Sabo was persistent in telling you he was real, something that had bothered you the night before too. Dream Sabo stood up next to you, and took your hands in his own. 

“Sunny. Listen to me. I know it’s hard, I know. But I’m here. I’m real,” Dream Sabo continued. Your eyes bounced around his face as you bit your lip.

“Stop,” you said hesitantly, trying to pull your hands away from his. Dream Sabo’s strength was more significant than you remembered, you were unable to extricate yourself from his grasp. But Dream Sabo couldn’t stop you from doing anything…Dream Sabo never went against your wishes…Dream Sabo didn’t ever frown at you…

“No, I can’t. Sunny, please. Please, listen and understand. I’m not a hallucination,” he said, using one hand to push some of your hair off your face. You frowned at him, you didn’t want to hear all this again. 

“Send me away,” he said, looking into your eyes. 

“What?” you asked, taken aback. Dream Sabo never, ever asked to be sent away. You stared back into his eyes, your brow furrowing. His were brighter than you remembered them, the milky one reminding you of Uranus. Wait…Uranus…Lulusia…the mother flame…

“Hold on, I need to write something down,” you said, your moment with Dream Sabo slipping from your mind. Your eyes landed on the papers on Dream Sabo’s desk, where he’d been writing when you woke up. You pulled your hands from Sabo’s and walked towards his desk, needing to jot your idea down before you forgot it.

“Sunny, please. This is important –”

“No, not now. I had a thought about the ancient weapons and I need to write it –” Your words trailed off as you looked at the papers on his desk. Dream Sabo had written correspondences before, that wasn’t new. You’d seen Real Sabo doing that many times, so it was an activity your mind supplied occasionally. You spread the papers over the desk, glancing at them. Some of the names you recognized but some of them you’d never heard of before. It was strange to see Dream Sabo writing to people you didn’t know, but maybe your mind had supplied some new information? But Dream Sabo only knew what you knew… You brought your finger up to your mouth, remembering at the last moment that all of your fingertips were bandaged.

“What’s wrong?” Dream Sabo said, standing behind you. You felt his familiar warmth behind you, his breath fanning over your neck.

“I don’t know – you’re being weird today,” you said, while looking for a pen and blank piece of paper. You had a headache brewing, you needed to get some coffee. Dream Sabo kissed your exposed shoulder while you pushed things around on his desk.

“I have the pen. There’s nothing else to write with here,” Dream Sabo said, toying with the ends of your hair.

“Give it,” you demanded, holding out your hand. But Dream Sabo never interfered with your physical area outside of your dream, he wasn’t able to…

“No. Send me away,” Sabo said behind you, whispering into your ear. You turned to him and rested your forehead on his shoulder, sighing heavily. One of his hands settled on your waist and you leaned against him, enjoying how solid he was. You could really use another nap, you thought, but there wasn’t any time. The lab was calling for you and you needed to keep working.

“I don’t want to. Life is better when you’re with me. Tell me where the pen is,” you murmured, looking up at him. You twined your arms around his neck, enjoying the comfort he was providing. 

“No. But you can get rid of me, right? If I’m a hallucination, you can vanish me,” Dream Sabo said softly, his other hand running up and down your back. But Dream Sabo never said he was a hallucination…

“I can, yeah. When I need my full focus I send you away,” you mumbled, your words muffled by his clothing as your forehead rested against his shoulder.

“So do it. I’m not going to give you the pen until you do,” Dream Sabo said, cradling you against his chest. Even as he told you to get rid of him, he was drawing you closer. Your mind sputtered as you half heartedly tried to will Sabo away. He was being annoying, and you really did have to get back to the lab. Maybe you’d wake up and you’d still be in your lab, like a dream in a dream. It had happened to you a few times and it was always disorienting. But then again, you were usually working when you were asleep or awake, so it made little difference to you. 

…but wait….Dream Sabo hadn’t gone anywhere when you willed him away. You still felt his warm skin under yours, could hear his heart beating strongly. You could even smell his smoky scent, the one you tried to find in his old clothes and belongings.

Did that mean…?

Sabo POV

When Sabo and his brothers were young, Ace had frequent bouts of sleep walking. After a few nights filled with trials, errors, and blows to the head, Sabo found that the best way of getting Ace peacefully back to bed was by calmly assisting him without rousing him. He stopped trying to wake Ace up and instead guided him back to where he needed to be, allowing Ace’s body to relax and not wake in a fight or flight mode. 

Sabo had taken a similar approach to you once you woke from your lengthy sleep. You were still overtired and underfed, Sabo wasn’t under the illusion that one long burst of sleep would heal you, but at least your body had rested. You were brilliant, and your mind would work tirelessly to put together the pieces of the puzzle to finally convince you that he was real. There had already been a few glances that Sabo had interpreted as you thinking through the situation a little at a time. Sabo didn’t think there was a need to overwhelm you and bombard you with information when you’d figure it out at your own pace.

But after you’d said the shower comment, Sabo knew he had to push you a little bit. This was the second time you’d unknowingly teased him with a shower since he’d met you, and he didn’t know if he could bear a third. He wanted to gently prod you closer to the goal you were heading towards with a simple request.

“So do it. I’m not going to give you the pen until you do,” Sabo said, holding you close to his chest. Despite having slept for so long, your endurance was absolutely abysmal. You looked like you were ready to pass out again, and it wouldn’t have surprised him if you did. There had been absolutely no accountability for you while he was gone and you’d taken everything to the extreme. You were right back where you started, perhaps worse. 

“Sabo,” you whispered, looking him over all at once. Your hands roved over his back, before pushing away slightly to grab his face. There was a panicked look to your eyes, something half wild stirring within you. Sabo relaxed his shoulders – there was the crack in your delusion he was looking for.

“I’m here with you,” Sabo said, wishing he could feel every inch of your skin with his own.

“S-sabo,” you repeated, your face crumpling. Sabo was prepared for more tears, though it broke his heart each time you cried. He never wanted to be the reason for your sadness, even though this was unavoidable.

“Wh-why didn’t you sleep in bed with m-me?” was the first question that tumbled out of your mouth as your chest heaved. Sabo laughed lightly even as you ugly cried into your hands, your back shaking with the intensity of your tears. He guided you to sit on the bed and sat beside you, taking your hands again in his own and pulling them away from your face. Your fingers probed his hands, like you were unsure if he was truly there with you or not.

“Five months apart and that’s what you ask me?” he said, leaning in to kiss you. You stared at him, barely remembering to kiss him back in time. Your mouth was hanging open, like you couldn’t parse what was happening.

“And for the record, I did sleep in bed with you. I slept for about 10 hours next to you, but you’ve been sleeping for about 18. You kept trying to get up and I had to keep holding you so you’d sleep longer. Sunny, we have to talk about your health,” Sabo said with a frown. Your lower lip wobbled for a moment before you flung yourself into his arms, your scant body weight crashing against his own. Sabo landed on his back on the bed as you toppled over him, hugging him tightly.

“SabOoOoO –” you wailed, unable to control yourself any longer. Tears streamed down your face as you cried, clutching his shirt. Sabo ran his hands up and down your back soothingly, cooing at you as you cried. This was the second time in two days you’d soaked through his shirt, but he’d take 100 more if it meant you understood he was actually alive. You pushed your hand into his hair, turning his head to you. You pressed your lips to his and wrapped a leg around his waist, pulling him in for a kiss. But your mind was already working overtime, and you broke the kiss to ask him questions. 

“But how are you alive? How did you survive the ancient weapon? Did you see the Mother Flame? How did you get back here? Why did you –” Sabo kissed you again, stifling your questions. His tongue swirled against your own as his hands grabbed your hips and pulled you closer. You groaned into his mouth, grinding against him. Sabo broke the kiss to answer the very questions you asked. He knew you wouldn’t stop for long and he wanted to answer you before it tunneled deeper into your mind. 

“I wasn’t on the island, I was on a boat nearby. I didn’t see the weapon directly, I only saw the destruction it caused. There was a rebellion on the island so some of the people were with me on the boat. They’re here on the island now,” Sabo explained, his thumbs stroking the exposed skin of your thighs.

“But besides that, we have some things to discuss,” Sabo said, turning serious for a moment. You bit your lip and looked away, like you knew what he was going to say. Sabo chucked your chin, pointing your gaze back to him. 

“I wasn’t able to keep my promise to you,” Sabo said softly, pushing some of your hair off your face. 

“Wh- what are you talking about? What promise?” you asked, still holding him tightly. 

“My promise to take care of you. I left you alone and you deteriorated. You’re in really poor health, Sunny. I can’t bear to see you like this,” Sabo said quietly before kissing you again. He couldn’t get enough of you – you had been on his mind since he’d left and you were finally back in his arms again. He didn’t mean to kick you when you were down but his concern for your health overrode everything else. You waved him off with a hand.

“Oh, uh. Well, I did that on my own. And it wasn’t like you meant to have everyone think you uh –” 

“Died,” Sabo supplied.

“Right,” you said sheepishly. “Well, I was upset and thought…well you know. I guess I went a little overboard, huh?” you said with a guilty smile. Sabo smiled back before shifting positions to roll on top of you. One of his hands was planted by your head and the other stroked along your exposed hip.

“That just means I can’t really die because you’ll be joining me shortly,” Sabo said with a small laugh before bending down to gently suck along your neck. Your breath was already hitching as he kissed you, your chest flushing and your nipples puckering. Sabo desperately wanted to continue but there was something he needed to know first. 

“Yesterday, you said that you had an immense regret. Something that you confessed to your hallucination more than once. Do you remember that?” Sabo asked gently, his hands leaving your thighs to stroke your cheekbones. You nodded your head, looking into his eyes. 

“Well, I mean. I don’t remember yesterday exactly. Time is a little, er, loose for me right now. But I know what my regret is - er, was,” you replied.

“Please. Tell me again,” Sabo whispered. You licked your lips before looking deep into his eyes.

“I love you, Sabo. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before. I love you.” 

“I love you too,” he said, before leaning down to kiss you tenderly.

The End <3

Mysterious Lotus Casebook (cdrama)

Impossible to summarize or encapsulate the show that completely rewired my brain chemistry, altered my understanding of myself and of the art of storytelling, and forced me to learn how to make gifs in order to properly express my unceasing love and adoration for the show and its characters simply because mere words were not enough. I truly believe MLC is a masterpiece, and it is far and away my favorite Asian drama of everything I've watched (The Untamed included! gasp!). Quick logline: A former jianghu prodigy (Li Lianhua, né Li Xiangyi) disappears after suffering a terrible loss and reappears a decade later as a (quack) wandering physician. He's terminally ill but desperately tries to keep that on the DL. He's also extremely burnt out and doesn't quite keep THAT on the DL.

Story / themes: ★★★★★ MLC is a beautifully crafted wuxia drama at the very least. It also presents a fascinating metanarrative regarding the stories we tell about ourselves, and the stories others tell about us. And it's an undeniably and staggeringly poignant queer narrative in so many ways -- the show follows three characters who exist (or want to exist) at a remove from conventional patriarchal and heterosexual norms. (Further reading on this after you watch the show, since these glorious metas certainly contain spoilers: @rinbylin on the jianghu as a queer space, and on Li Xiangyi's femininity, and @potahun on MLC presenting two particular perspectives on queer experiences.) Finally: I always judge a story by its ending, by how well the narrative and emotional threads are tied up, and MLC executes on this flawlessly. The ending is tragic in a way that evokes the best tragedies of any time or medium: inevitable and cathartic, even while you're weeping your face off and shaking your fist at the sky. But it's also purposefully murky; you can interpret it in a couple different ways, which is SO FREAKIN' BRILLIANT for a show about a character desperately trying to escape the conventional narrative. (On that note, don't miss the special bonus episode after ep. 40!)

Bromance: ★★★★★ You've got two m/m ships to choose from, or go full OT3. One is shifu / disciple with a delicious infusion of identity porn, the other is a pair of archnemeses who got so messily divorced it tore apart the entire jianghu and gave our main blorbo a terminal illness, which his archenemis now will stop at nothing to cure so that he can fuck fight him. Pining gazes, fond gazes, small smiles, intimate stabbing, declarations of undying devotion... it's all here and it's all delicious. What I love even more is that you can read them all as ace, aro, bi, gay, etc... and their relationships feel rich and intimate no matter what label you personally want to assign to each of them. That's good queer storytelling, baby!

Female Characters: ★★★★★ Spoiler-heavy, so don't check it out until you've watched this, but I wrote a whole post about how much I adored the women in this show. One of them starts out a bit tropey, but pulls her shit together at the end in a way that is emotionally and narratively cathartic. This is definitely a male-led show, so the women really are mostly side characters, but they do shine in the screentime allotted.

Production: ★★★★★ Definitely on the higher end for cdramas, but not ostentatious. The music, however, is what really gets me. The trio's song is HYPE, and the theme that plays during all the sad parts is beautifully lilting and mournful.

Angst & Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ Cheng Yi character god's favorite whump magnet!!! We love to see it!! Cheng Yi also has a lot of crying scenes in the show and every single one of them will eviscerate you. Plus: Classic cdrama, I know, but I'm sure 90% of the budget was fake blood. And the emotional angst hits even harder, if you can believe it.

Thing that got me to watch the show: I saw a gifset of this h/c scene and it was off to the races. <3

-> My MLC gifs (beware of spoilers!)

Weak Hero Class 1 & 2 (kdrama)

This one totally sucker-punched me, which is appropriate given that the show is mostly boys beating the everloving shit out of each other for 30+ minutes an episode. I say that so you know what kind of visceral violence you're getting into when you turn on this show, but the reason I cannot stop thinking about it is because of the gut-wrenching emotionality behind every punch thrown, the rage and vulnerability behind every split lip and broken bone. Our POV character is Yeon Sieun, a quiet (nearly silent), sullen, neglected high school student who's at the top of his class academically. The series plays out as the universe asks him the question, "Aren't you tired of being nice? Don't you just want to go apeshit?" ("...But also unexpectedly discover the Power of Friendship(tm)???")

Story / themes: ★★★★★ For me the devastating core of this show is about how hurt people hurt people. But the small, fervently whispered message underlying that theme is that friendship can heal all wounds. I mean that literally. The love was there, AND it changed everything (hat tip to @lmxpsuedonym's great post, which is sorta-spoilery, if you want to go in totally cold).

Bromance: ★★★★★ One could blithely categorize the main pairing as a classic example of the sunshine one and the stoic one, but that's just scratching the surface. Even calling them a "pairing" feels reductive. Definitely could be read as extremely gay, but for me this core relationship isn't straight, isn't even queer, but is a Secret Third Thing, a thing that rewrites the entire narrative with bloodied knuckles and quiet desparation. That's not even to mention the third member of the season 1 trio, or the season 2 friend group, who all contribute additional levels of self-destructive yearning and explosive devotion to the mix.

Female Characters: ★★★★★ There's one recurring female character and season 1 and I like her just fine. That's basically my standard for these shows. '^_^ So I'm giving this five stars because this is my rating system and I do what I want. =D

Production: ★★★★★ Brutal close-ups. Evocative slow-mo shots. Pristine editing. It's a Netflix show, so it's what I expect. But at the end of the day this one's all about the ACTING. My god, the acting. Park Jihoon went to the Wang Yibo school of microoexpressions and elevated it to a religious pursuit. The way he embodies his character, the hunched, haunted physicality, the deadened look in his eye... it's staggering. His character, Yeon Sieun, smiles a total of two or three times throughout the entire two seasons, and when it happens it's so gobsmacking that you'll need to lie down for 5-10 business days to recover.

Angst & Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ There's probably not a single episode where someone gets by unscathed. Definitely heavier on the hurt than the comfort, but the reason it works for me (I'm someone who looooooathes hurt / no comfort) is because the hurt is never dropped or forgotten about -- it's just momentum deferred. You KNOW that boomerang's gonna come back swinging. So when the comfort or release DOES come, it feels even more cathartic.

Thing that got me to watch the show: It honestly might have been this 5-second clip, which got me wondering, "oh are they ACTUALLY in love? Guess I'll have to watch to find out." The heart!! And idk why I can't find the beginning of that clip but Ahn Suho pulls up right next to the bus and literally says "How come we keep crossing paths? Were we married in a past life?" Yes. Next question.

-> My WHC gifs (beware of spoilers!)

The Devil Judge (kdrama)

My very first kdrama love. This is a show that asks: How would you like your toxic yaoi, gentleperson? And the answer is: Yes. The Devil Judge follows Tragic-Yet-Starry-Eyed Judge Kim Gaon as he is tasked with taking down Tragic-And-Also-Unhinged Judge Kang Yohan. Will they fall in love find common ground in a corrupt judicial system???

Story / themes: ★★★★★ The show is billed as "dystopian" but feels imminently reflective of our current reality: Kang Yohan and his glass-cutting cheekbones preside over a reality show court of justice in which the guilt or innocence of defendants is voted upon by the masses via an app on their phones. It's a great premise, but it's far from the most resonant part of the show. The elements that highlight TDJ to this very respectable pantheon of My Favorite Dramas are the meditations on whether true justice can ever actually be achieved, and whether redemption and forgiveness are possible -- or even desirable -- in such a relentlessly corrupt world. Plus, the unfolding of Kang Yohan's backstory and the final revelation of how he became the man he is at the start of the show is not only deliciously tragic, but also a brilliant rug-pull to get the audience to rethink every seemingly deranged action of his and whether it all might actually be justified.

Bromance: ★★★★★ The writers of the show frame the story as a "seduction" narrative, comping the core relationship to Mephistopheles / Faust and Beauty and the Beast. So, the intent is definitely there. As for the execution? *VIBRATES AT A NORMAL INTENSITY* Can you say STABBING AS A LOVE LANGUAGE? Moving into your "~cOLLeaGuE'S~" gothic mansion to recuperate after shielding him from an explosion? Strapping a bomb to yourself because you think ya boi is DEADED? Taking "I can fix him" vs. "I can make him worse" and turning both up to 11??

Female Characters: ★★☆☆☆ Okay look. Fridgings like the one that happened in this show usually immediately have me abandoning said show. It's a mark of how stupidly amazing everything else in TDJ is that I just kinda fumed about it and then compartmentalized it. (I actually literally forgot about it until doing this write-up. RIP.) At least there ARE other women in the show, and (most) of them don't end up dead from Stupidly Preventable Scenarios. Gotta take the w's where you can, right?

Production: ★★★★1/2 Beautifully shot, glorious fire motifs throughout, and perfect angles of Kang Yohan's abs. The music left a little to be desired, and kept kicking in overdramatically during intense moments but hey, it IS a kdrama.

Angst & Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ I've pretty much covered this topic (also: see below) so you can just rest assured that it's the 👌👌 good👌👌 shit👌👌

Thing that got me to watch the show: This gifset, which is honestly just a small sliver of H/C from the entire show. I'm a simple girlie what can I say!!!!

-> My Devil Judge gifs

Link Click (donghua)

Time travel narrative, white-haired / black-haired doomed* yaoi, the sunshine one and the stoic one... this show might have been crafted in a lab to appeal to me personally, but I KNOW this hits the sweet spot for a lot of us as well. Join me in hell!!

(*Okay the show's still going so there MIGHT be hope for a happy ending, right? ...right?? RIGHT??)

Story/ themes: ★★★★1/2 Starts out as a case-of-the-week show in which Good Buddies Lu Guang and Cheng Xiaoshi used their timey-wimey powers combined to "dive" into the past via polaroids, and solve cases. Then it gets sad, and then it gets VERY sad, and then you find out the central conflict of the A plot, and then you're just sad forever. (Shout out to the lesbian noodle couple, maybe the only happy ending for a case??) Kinda unfair of me to judge this one as is, since it hasn't ended yet, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in order to get everyone to watch her fave shows. Even then, this is a tricky entry to write because the central brilliance of this story is also the biggest spoiler. Let's just say Link Click really digs deep on the inherent tragedy of time travel in a way that I, a massive nerd who wrote her master's thesis on time travel narratives, am feral for.

Bromance: ★★★★★ What's gayer: kissing on the lips or [REDACTED]? I promise you it's [REDACTED] but you'll just have to watch the show to find ouuuuutttt! Also, fwiw, the first part of the show's name in Mandarin (Shiguang Dailiren) is also the ship name (Cheng Xiaoshi + Lu Guang = Shiguang)... no idea if it was on purpose but it IS insane!!

Female Characters: ★★★★★ Qiao Ling my beloved! She's such a badass and she has the best outfits. She's currently the only one of the trio without powers... unless...?? (please watch this show)

Production: ★★★★★ The animation has no right to be this stunning. The moodier shots are framed beautifully as well. The music slaps and also rips your heart to shreds. Here's the baller season 1 opener, which I'm sharing instead of the season 3 opener, which turns me into a puddle of pain every time I listen to it, but I won't share it here because -- say it with me! -- it's a huge spoiler.

Angst & Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ There is a LOT of h/c for our main blorbos, especially when the show starts to serialize a bit more. Season 3 / Bridon arc literally felt like an (amittedly top-tier) assortment of Ao3 tags. As for the angst? Let's just say barely a day goes by where I don't feel the need to sue this show for Emotional Damage.

Thing that got me to watch the show: It was this hilarious (non-spoilery) graphic.

The First Shot (cdrama)

Ostensibly a show about a narcotics investigation team but it seems like the only thing the writers care about is the capital-F Feelings which is great because hard same.

Story / themes: ★★★★★ The show navigates ideas about personal and communal guilt and morality, while the two male leads, Gu Yiran and Zheng Bei, each wrestle with their own individual ghosts and grief. We're also treated to heartbreaking ideas about redemption and forgiveness (clearly I love this theme), and at what point -- if ever -- those become unreachable. This show also has an unforgettably tragic yet impactful ending that felt earned and devastating in all of the most gutwrenching ways. I cannot stop thinking about it.

Bromance: ★★★★★ So much touching. So many pet names. Neck-clasping AND maybe the most intense and deeply emotional hug in cdrama history. "But there's only one bed" is literally a canon line actually uttered in canon. The other unhinged line "Maybe I want you to stay" (....for the case, bro, for the case.) This show is the epitome of Be gay solve crimes AND Be gay do crimes. While flirting, angsting, and pining.

Female Characters: ★★★★★ *pulls up a chair* *swings it around* *sits down backwards* I would die for Yaoyao, do you understand me?? The One Female Cop trope is dumb, but the One Female Cop Who is More Feral Than All the Guys? Chef's kiss. (I didn't love Zheng Bei's sister but it's not her fault she had to be shoehorned into a het romance. Sigh.) Also: this show far and away has my favorite workplace found family of all time. They have my entire heart and soul.

Production: ★★★★★ The manpurses, the beige clothing, the old computers, the orange filter, the high-waisted jeans, and did I say the manpurses? Damn, the '90s vibes are impeccable.

Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ This is a homoerotic Chinese crime drama, what do you expect? Well, my expectations were met and surpassed. (Is that a rare m/m bridal carry? YES.) There is also quite a lot of angst, of course. Thank you, waiter, the meal was delicious.

Desire Catcher (cdrama)

Every day I wonder why this show isn't more popular. For me, it hits most of the my personal checkboxes: sunshine one + stoic one, mutual pining, tragic backstories, so much angst and h/c. It has shades of Under the Skin, but is, IMO, infinitely more devastating.

Story / themes: ★★★☆☆ The premise leaves a bit to be desired (HA) -- Lu Fengping is a reonwed hypnotist who is brought in by the police to consult on a bunch of hypnotism-related cases. I mean, sure? I guess? And the ending (understandably) smells of justice system propoganda, but... enough about the PLOT, I'm actually here for...

Bromance: ★★★★★ ...the trope that REALLY has me chewing glass, which is healing of joint mutual trauma through pining and eyefucking and betrayal and more pining. Did I mention the pining? Luo Fei and Lu Fengping spend at least five minutes every episode gazing into each other's eyes RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD while a dramatic ballad plays in the background. There are quite a lot of Wangxian similarities here, too -- if you loved being wrecked by watching the Emotionally Taciturn One trying desperately to save the Smiling but Quietly Suffering One from his own self-immolation, then boy, do I have the duo for you.

Female Characters: ★★★★☆ Yeah okay so here's where the content warnings rear their big red flags. One woman's brutal murder and another (very young) woman's brutal sexual assault essentially serve as the central motivations for both our male leads. Don't love that. However, the one who is still alive does have a lot of agency and a rich interior life, she's not just a discarded side character. Also -- this is getting into spoiler territory, but it's something I'd personally want to know -- the female lead does not end up in a romantic relationship with either of the two male leads, despite the fact that it might have been an easy trope to pigeonhole her into (falling in love with her "savior(s)." She is treated with respect and care by these characters, without any expectation of romance. I LOVED her quiet strength and determination.

Production: ★★★★★ There are some beautifully framed landscape shots, but I was mostly blown away by one specific moment where a character is losing his mind with grief, and the sound cuts out and the camera zooms outside the room, and we DON'T get to be there with him and his pain, and I have never been the same since. Also, everyone who made the decision to not edit down the two male leads' gazes lingering on each other for way too long in any given scene, congratulations on your Nobel Prize. Thank you for your service.

Angst & Hurt / Comfort: ★★★★★ Yes. Wonderful, delectable h/c. Angst like you wouldn't believe. All of this was basically already covered in the bromance section, so I'll leave it at that, but, god. I am such a sucker for this show.

Thing that got me to watch the show: Once again, a hurt / comfort scene. lol. After you watch the show, though, do yourself and settle in for this INCREDIBLE crackvid by @mistbornthief which is truly a masterpiece.

-> My Desire Catcher gifs

Aaaand the best of the rest...

Tomorrow (kdrama)

Tomorrow is about a ragtag group of grim reapers tasked with preventing people from dying by suicide (while wrestling with their own suicide-related tragic backstories). I probably went through a whole truckload of tissues watching this show; each episode left me absolutely blubbering on my couch, and I don't think my sinuses have been the same since. This shouldn't be surprising, given the plot -- each story arc focuses in on someone at the absolute lowest point of their life, and shows us precisely how they got there. (So please consider the plot before diving in, if this is a sensitive subject for you.)

Who could ever beat peak protagonist Goo Ryeon? She has an ironic pink bob, wears power suits, spent her earlier career as a grim reaper catching and beating the bejeezus out of abusers and rapists. Woman of all time. Also starring Lee Soo Hyuk in peak edgelord mode and Rowoon in peak puppydog mode. Speaking of puppies, I will never recover from the dog episode.

Mystic Pop-up Bar (kdrama)

Tomorrow was, embarassingly, the only show on my list with a main female protagonist until I discovered Mystic Pop-Up Bar, which is actually a perfect comanion piece: Like Tomorrow, Mystic Pop-Up Bar centers around a prickly, semi-immortal character tasked with displaying generosity to strangers as penance for past misdeeds. Where Tomorrow goes for the gut, Mystic Pop-Up Bar goes for the heart... but this one still had me weeping at the end just because I knew I was gonna miss the characters so damn much. This show contains THE found family of all found families -- a total chaos gremlin with a chip on her shoulder, her hapless, long-suffering partner, and their newly adopted baby deer. Mystic Pop-Up Bar also has the exceptional honor of getting me to ride or die for not just one straight couple, but both straight couples! What can I say, they all match each other's pathetic dorkwad energy in a way that completely captures my heart.

Let Free the Curse of Taekwando (kdrama)

Congrats to the ONLY actual BL on my list! (See below!) To the surprise of no one who has gotten this far into this post, I like my BLs like I like the rest of my dramas: devastatingly angsty, thematically resonant, and simmering with tragic undertones. (If anyone has BL recs based on this, please hit me up, I am starving here.) I wasn't actually too sure about this one until I finished it, because I found a lot of the time jumps SUPER confusing. It was only after I finished the show and realized that the jarring cuts and edits were an intentional way of demonstrating the unreliability of memory and the tragedy of miscommunication.... well, color me shooketh.

Love for Love's Sake (kdrama)

Congrats to only the second BL on my list! I avoided this one for a while because a) the title is just not appealing, especially to my aromantic heart, and b) I have a tough time with BLs that don't feel the need to generate anything remotely related to plot or character development because the main draw is "EVERYONE'S GAY, HOORAY!" This gentle, devastating little BL is the exception that proves the rule. (Don't worry, though, every main character IS gay.) Love for Love's Sake has a straightforward concept -- a depressed 29-year-old gets isekai'd into a virtual game, where he must make the main character happy, or die -- and the show uses that set-up to force him to come to terms with his own unhappiness (or die). I'm such a sucker for stories that involve characters semi-literally confronting an embodiment of their childhood selves / trauma, thereby learning to love themselves, and this show takes that trope and cranks it up to eleven. The ending was so cathartic, the parting lines so profoundly beautiful, that my eyes were puffy for days after crying so hard. My heart will be aching for a very long time, in a very good way.

Under the Microscope (cdrama)

An underrated historical cdrama gem. Zhang Ruoyun is better known for his lead role in Joy of Life, but he does truly fantastic work here as an autistic man who uncovers a tax revenue inconsistency during the Ming dynasty. Sounds riveting, right? Well, that just speaks to the high level of acting and production in this 14-episode miniseries. Oh, and Feng Biyu could punch me in the face and I would thank her for it.

The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty (cdrama)

This one is definitely higher on everyone else's lists, but I felt that the plot dragged a bit (I'm just not a huge fan of court intrigue) and I was personally always a wee bit irritated by twink extraordinaire Tang Fan. Also, there's another egregious fridging. Still, Sleuth has SO MUCH going for it -- the most exceptional implementation of "food as a love language" threaded throughout the whole show, excellent action sequences (the show was notably produced by Jackie Chan!), some truly unbeatable h/c, and a totally endearing sibling relationship. The production is top-tier as well. Which reminds me, I will now take this opportunity to link the most amazing fanvid of all time, which makes me fall more and more in love with the show every time I rewatch this video.

Oh No! Here Comes Trouble (Taiwanese drama)

Each character on this show is so richly developed and deeply traumatized and I love them with all my heart. Pu Yiyong and Cao Guangyan match each other's cringefail loser energy at a level never before exeprienced by humankind (PS at one point they start regularly sleeping in the same twin bed for...reasons??). Until, of course, Chen Chuying came along with her overeager cop energy and put them both to shame. Then, of course, there's Pu Yiyong's mom, who spends her time getting into more fights than her son and trying to sneak beer into hospitals. GOAT!

The thing that bumped this show onto my list, though, is the acrobatic mix of silly shenanigans and devastating tragedy that somehow, against all adds, actually mixes together and works. There is one scene towards the end which is seared into my consciousness for how traumatizing it was. And then there's Pu Yiyong's laughably dumb mullet. I won't tell you which category that belongs to.

Peaceful Property (Thai drama)

The only Thai drama on my list, and weirdly it isn't even a BL? It totally should be. Anyway, Peaceful Property serves a similarly delicious cocktail of inane silliness while sucker-punching you in the gut, especially with the cases of the week. Also like Oh No! Here Comes Trouble, it centers around a character who can see ghosts (so silly!!) and then uses that premise to tenderly pry apart the many layers of grief (my face hurts from sobbing!!). This show almost didn't make my list because there's a line at the end where the antagonist literally says, "Kudos to the power of friendship that you survived that accident" but you know what? He's right and he should say it.

And, natch, it was this h/c gifset that got me to watch the show.

A League of Nobleman (cdrama)

Also known as the League of Polycules. This show packed so much bromantic hurt / comfort into 29 episodes, and it's all glorious. The two leads set the standard for dramatic divorce by swordpoint in the rain. No one's doing it like them. There is also a noodle stall, literal sleeve-cutting, guy finding a lost kitten, and the evil hot serpent guy from Yin Yang Master: Dream of Eternity playing an evil hot ex. Beautiful production, too.

Kei x Yaku / Ouroboros / MIU404 (jdramas)

My podium of homoerotic crime-solving slash revenge-taking jdramas, which traverse the spectrum of silliness -> angst. Ouroboros is pure dark heavy doom and gloom, but I was compelled by the show's unwavering commitment to the bit (the bit = revenge at all costs). MIU404 is on the sillier end of the spectrum, as the leads drive around in a melon-bread van as undercover cops, but they have that insane chemistry that has me reading smutfics on my phone about them at 1AM. Then there's Kei x Yaku, which is so homoerotic it's honestly kinda queerbaity, but it also offers up so many delicious bromantic tropes on a silver platter. Plus: shared tragic backstory trauma!

-> My MIU404 gifs

Pledge of Allegiance (cdrama)