#unconventional

okay here's the thing. i don't really tell people about this because they look at me like i'm crazy but honestly? it's working. so whatever.

when i found out he cheated i didn't throw his stuff out the window like you're supposed to. i just sat there on our bed for like three hours not even crying just... numb. he'd been with some girl from his work. said it didn't mean anything which i know is what they all say but i actually believed him? we've been together four years and i know when he's lying. he wasn't lying about it being just physical. he looked disgusted with himself actually.

but here's where i probably sound insane. i told him if he needed to get off and i wasn't enough or whatever, do it with a guy. not a girl. never a girl again.

everyone i've told this to is like "that's fucked up" and maybe it is but let me explain my logic okay. a girl is dangerous. a girl has what i have but different. she can replace me. she can give him the whole package, the relationship, the future. a guy can't. a guy is just... parts. biology. a warm mouth sorry if that's gross but it's true.

at first he was like "what? no. i'm not gay." and i'm like i KNOW you're not gay that's the whole point. you're not gonna fall in love with a guy. you're not gonna leave me for a guy. it's just maintenance.

the first time he did it he came home weird. quiet. showered for like forty minutes. but he didn't touch his phone that night. didn't have that restless energy he gets. he just held me and said "thank you for not leaving."

it's been eight months now. he goes to this guy mark (yeah i know his name, i picked him actually, found him on an app and talked to him first to make sure he understood the situation). maybe twice a month? three times? he doesn't tell me details and i don't ask. i just know when he comes home he's relaxed. present. not looking at other women.

here's the thing nobody gets: he's not INTO it. that's what makes it safe. he's comfortable with it now yeah, like it's not this big scary thing anymore, but it's never gonna be something he wants. it's like going to the dentist. you get used to it, you stop being nervous, but you're never gonna be like "oh boy i can't wait."

that's exactly what i wanted. an outlet that's just an outlet. something that satisfies the stupid physical thing without threatening the actual relationship.

i used to check his phone constantly after the cheating. now i don't. i know where he is, i know what he's doing, and i know it's not gonna turn into feelings because he's straight. actually straight. disgusted by the idea of dating a man, not attracted to men, just using this one thing because i gave him permission to.

my therapist thinks i'm rationalizing. maybe i am. but i'm also not crying every night anymore and i'm not worried about some girl at work and he's not lying to me. we actually talk more now than we did before.

is it perfect? no. is it conventional? definitely not. but it works for us. i kept my person. i took the thing that was going to destroy us and i made it boring. made it routine. something he doesn't even think about that much anymore.

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