#tylar

And if we don't work out, I know you'll be the hardest to get over, but fuck...you'll be my favorite heartache. I'll cry tears of glitter for you and my veins will ache of wine. You'll be the one who will make broken heart feel like art. I'll shed my skin of you and hang it in a frame on the wall to stare at it every night...just to remind my that your little finger tips use to be all over it. I'll eat cactus and drown myself in vapor. You'll be the little scar on my soul that will feel like a hollow ache, but I'll smile the whole time. If we end I'll throw away my dream catcher in fear it'll rob me from dreams of you. You'll be my haunted past, but I'll carry you with every broken heart beat. You'll commit homicide to my heart but I'll just bathe in the memory of your laugh. You will become my tragic almost.

"Okay, but dude. For real. Who the fuck are you?"

If you ever see this, if you ever find yourself on this blog, I hope you find that I really did love you. I tried so hard to be that cookie cutter girl you wanted. I tried so hard to water myself down (which now I am nothing but water). I tried so hard to steady my nervous system when you would stray from me. I tried so hard to be like that girl at the bar that you fell in love with as I was just a few steps away. To this day you have never looked at me the way you looked at her. You’ve never chased me the way you chased her. I tried so hard with my tears, with my blood for you to see that my life is full of trauma and i can’t numb my anxiety I can’t just “get over it” and I can’t become less “crazy.” I hope that you see I really wanted you to well…love you. I was fighting to love myself and I know you are too but when your past ghosts make an appearance it’s clear to me that I never had the depths of you like they did. I never quite grasped your heart and soul the way they did… I think you settled on me and that haunts me. It’s keeps me up at night…I wish you could see me standing here exposing my guts, my spine, my soul…but it seems you are blind and now I am weak. I don’t have strength to expose myself anymore. I’m just so sorry I couldn’t rock your world the way they did. I am so sorry I couldn’t be that spark that excites you. I wish I could’ve been more of what you wanted, but life happened and instead of being support you showed me what it truly means to be lonesome… I pray that we both can heal from this. I hope you find that gal that loves the stuff you do, is quiet, Is a homebody, is vanilla…that’s not me. It can never be me. I have the blood of passion, craziness, wanderlust, ambition, and everything you don’t want in me. I know one day I’ll stumble upon a soul that’s gonna rock my world and make me realize I had to go through all I did to find him/her. I’ll be happy again one day. I’ll be beautiful again one day. And if on that day you find this…just know I wished with every ounce of me that you could’ve seen what I needed and what I brought. I love you tylar. Always. Always. Always.