Chapter 5: I Hate Myself, But I Like You
A week had passed since the confession. And somehow they really had stayed friends.
There were no awkward greetings. No avoiding each other in the hallways. No pretending the conversation beneath the zelkova tree had never happened. Y/N still waited by the vending machine after class. Kyungmin still bought two drinks without asking. She still called him "annoyingly nice." He still apologized too much.
On the surface, nothing had changed. Only the tiny pauses between their conversations betrayed that something had.
One afternoon, as they walked toward the school gate together, Kyungmin suddenly stopped. "...Y/N."
"Hm?"
He hesitated. "...Do you have plans this Saturday?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Why?"
"Our group's performing at a university festival."
"...Congratulations?"
He laughed. "No, I mean..."
He scratched the back of his neck. "I have guest passes."
She blinked. "...You're inviting me?"
"If you want to."
"You don't have to come. I just..." He looked away, suddenly shy. "...thought it'd be nice."
Y/N stared at him for a second before smiling. "Sure."
"I've never watched a university festival before." His shoulders visibly relaxed. "...Really?"
"Mhm."
"Then I'll show you one."
Saturday arrived quicker than either of them expected. The university campus buzzed with life. Students carried department jackets over their shoulders. Clubs handed out flyers. Music echoed from every corner.
The smell of food trucks drifted through the air. Y/N slowly looked around. "...Whoa."
Kyungmin smiled. "First time?"
"This is..."
She watched a group of engineering students laughing over a broken robot. Another group sat on the grass painting banners. Nearby, seniors were taking graduation photos with bouquets.
"...Lively."
"Right?"
She nodded. "I kind of get why everyone says university is fun."
Backstage was far more chaotic. Staff hurried between dressing rooms. Microphones were checked. In-ear monitors were adjusted. Managers called everyone's names. The members immediately noticed Y/N.
Dohoon grinned. "So this is Y/N."
Kyungmin's ears turned pink. "...Hyung."
Shinyu smiled warmly. "It's nice to finally meet you."
Y/N bowed politely. "Thank you for inviting me."
Youngjae nudged Kyungmin with his elbow when she wasn't looking. "She's exactly how you described."
Kyungmin pretended not to hear him.
The performance began. The crowd exploded. Thousands of university students screamed as TWS appeared on stage. Y/N had seen performances online before. It was different in person. Kyungmin looked happy. Confident. Like the stage had always belonged to him. She found herself smiling. He's really good.
After nearly an hour, the show ended. The members waved goodbye. Confetti drifted through the air. The audience slowly dispersed across campus. Y/N waited backstage like she'd been told. "...He's taking a while."
A staff member passed by. "Oh."
"Kyungmin?"
"I think he went downstairs."
"Downstairs?"
"He said he needed some air."
Meanwhile, Kyungmin wandered aimlessly through one of the quieter academic buildings connected to the venue. His performance clothes still clung to him. His breathing had become strangely shallow. He stopped near a staircase. Above him, voices echoed. University students.
"...Our midterm was impossible."
"I still have two reports due."
"What are you doing after graduation?"
"I'm applying for an exchange program."
"I got accepted into the internship!"
Their laughter bounced through the concrete stairwell. Kyungmin slowly sat down beneath the stairs. Hidden from view. He stared blankly at the floor. "Next year..."
Next year, he would've graduated from Hanlim. Maybe, he would've walked through a campus just like this. Complained about assignments. Pulled all-nighters before exams. Joined a club. Made friends outside the industry. He would've just… been another student. Instead, he'd spent his teenage years memorizing choreography, filming, traveling, practicing until dawn, smiling in front of cameras.
He loved being an idol.
He really did.
So, why did it suddenly hurt?
His breathing became quicker, too quick. He pressed a hand against his chest. "Why can't I breathe?" His fingers trembled. "No. Not now."
He curled forward. The noise upstairs felt louder. Closer. His vision blurred. "What's wrong with me?"
A shaky breath escaped him. Then another. "...I'm..."
His voice cracked. "...I'm fine..."
"Kyungmin?" Footsteps echoed through the stairwell. "...Kyungmin?"
Y/N.
She rounded the corner and froze. He sat on the floor beneath the stairs, shoulders shaking. One arm wrapped around himself. The other covered his face. "...Kyungmin."
She hurried over, kneeling beside him. His breathing was uneven. His eyes were red. The moment he noticed her pink bow hair clip he gave before— everything he'd been holding back spilled over.
"...I'm sorry." His voice broke. "I'm sorry."
"...Hey."
"I'm sorry." His hands shook harder. "I don't know why this is happening. I'm sorry."
"I..." He couldn't finish the sentence.
Y/N had never seen him like this. Not the cheerful classmate. Not the confident idol. Just an eighteen-year-old boy trying desperately to hold himself together. She wasn't good with comforting people. She never had been. So she did the only thing she knew. She stayed, quietly.
Until his breathing slowed enough for him to hear her. "...Kyungmin."
He looked up weakly. "...Not everyone's perfect."
"..."
"Just like me."
He gave a tiny, confused laugh through his tears. "...What?"
She shrugged. "Sorry–I don't know how to comfort people, so I'm just saying what I think."
He sniffled. "...Okay."
She leaned back against the wall beside him. "I think, everyone's carrying something. You just don't always see it."
She glanced toward the ceiling. "You looked at those university students, didn't you?"
His eyes widened. "...How did you know?"
"You have that face."
"What face?"
"The one where you're comparing yourself to everyone else."
He lowered his head. "...I kept thinking, that could've been me."
She nodded. "I know."
"I love being an idol. I really do. But today, I wondered what I missed."
His voice cracked again. “Does that make me ungrateful?"
Y/N answered immediately. "No. It makes you human."
Silence settled between them. For the first time since sitting beneath those stairs, Kyungmin's breathing became steadier.
After a while, Y/N spoke again. "...Do you remember asking me why I rejected you?"
He looked over. "...Yeah."
"I never answered."
"You didn't have to."
"I want to now." She stared at the floor. "My first relationship..."
She smiled, but it wasn't a happy one. "...Started with my best friend."
Kyungmin stayed quiet. "We were inseparable. We liked each other. So we dated. For a while...It was nice." Her fingers absentmindedly traced invisible circles on the concrete. "But when we broke up, he just ignored me. No calls. No texts. No 'how are you?’ after passing by each other in the hallway. Nothing."
She swallowed. "I didn't just lose someone I liked. I lost my best friend. The person I told everything to." Her voice became quieter. "And that… hurts more than the breakup."
Kyungmin listened without interrupting.
"So when you confessed..." She laughed softly.
"...All I could think was 'What if it happens again?'"
She finally looked at him. "I'd rather have you as my friend, than risk losing you completely."
The words hung in the air. Kyungmin felt something in his chest loosen. He understood now. It had never been because she thought he wasn't enough. It had been because he mattered too much. Without thinking, he reached for her hand. She let him.
"I won't do that."
She looked at him.
"No matter what happens. If you never like me back, if you do someday, if we stay friends forever..." He squeezed her hand gently. "...I'm not disappearing. I don't want a world where you're suddenly a stranger."
His voice was still rough from crying. "So...I promise. I'll never let that happen."
Y/N stared at him for a long moment. She searched his face, as if trying to convince herself that he truly meant every word.
Her eyes slowly softened. Before Kyungmin could say anything else— She took a small step closer. "...Y/N?"
Without giving herself time to overthink it, she lean closer. A soft, fleeting warmth brushed against his lips. Just a peck. Gone almost as quickly as it happened.
Kyungmin froze. His eyes widened.
"..."
"..."
Y/N stepped back immediately, her own eyes just as wide, as though she couldn't believe what she'd done. "...I..."
For once, the girl who always had something to say couldn't find a single word. Kyungmin instinctively touched his lips. "...You..."
She looked away, ears burning. "That wasn’t me–" Her voice came out much quieter than usual. "...I acted before I thought." A nervous laugh escaped her. "...Which is... embarrassing."
Kyungmin couldn't stop staring at her. Then, slowly… A smile spread across his face. Not because of the kiss itself. But because, for the first time since he'd confessed beneath the zelkova tree. That tiny, impulsive kiss said more than any confession ever could.
Y/N stared at him for a long moment. Then, without warning, she leaned forward. Her forehead rested lightly against his shoulder. Very carefully. Almost as if she was afraid he'd move away. Kyungmin hesitated only for a second before wrapping his arms around her. The hug was quiet. No dramatic declarations. No racing heartbeat. Just warmth. The kind that said, "I'm here."
For a long moment, neither of them spoke. Outside, the muffled sounds of the university festival continued—students laughing, music playing, life carrying on. Beneath the quiet stairwell, however, the world felt impossibly still.
Kyungmin rested his cheek lightly against the top of her head. His own eyes stung again, though this time the tears came for a different reason.
“I hate myself,” She mumbles in his shoulder. “But I lo– no like– you.”
He caressed her hair with his free hand as she continued. “What should I do
He smiled through them. "...Then..." His voice was gentle enough to match the moment. "...We'll figure it out together."
Y/N didn't answer.
She simply held onto him a little tighter.
And for the first time since the day they met in a crowded school hallway neither of them felt quite so alone.
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