it’s 1am. i’m sitting on the porch steps smoking half a joint and going over the circumstances of my life. how long have i been asleep for? i have a lovely boyfriend with a busy life, i am still in the social connection drought as i were in this whole time. some days, the thought of no one there gets to me. today was that day. time is thin and so is my understanding of the future. this bliss has become a ball and chain. i can't think of a change in routine without thinking of killing myself. did i really ever have a plan for what’s coming ,