#tw styro

I relapsed and hit styros and I thought I had paper towels in my room but I didn’t.

I had to use a dirty shower towel….if I get an infection I’m actually gonna cry

You twist my words

until they become something against you,

while I’m walking on eggshells

trying not to be the reason

we break again.

You feel blamed.

You feel unheard.

But I’m still here,

trying to pick up the pieces of myself

that I don’t know how to hold anymore.

I’m building walls around my heart

while still reaching for you.

Trying to fix myself.

Trying to need you less.

Trying to learn how to stand alone.

But I don’t know how to explain

that distance feels like losing you.

That the little moments apart

can feel heavier than they should.

I know you deserve a life outside of me.

I know love is supposed to have space.

But sometimes I feel left behind

when happiness finds you somewhere I’m not.

The words you wrote

reached places that were already hurting.

They reopened wounds

I was still trying to heal.

Now I’m carrying pain from before

while trying to make it through what is now.

The panic still lives in my bones.

The fear still asks me

why you’re here.

So I become quieter.

Smaller.

Less noticeable.

I swallow my feelings

because I’m afraid they will become

another reason to leave.

And sometimes the pain gets so loud

my mind searches for a way to make it stop.

A way to turn something invisible

into something I can control.

That is the part no one sees.

How much pain it takes

to reach a place

where hurting yourself feels like relief.

I’m tired of fighting myself