#tw itbc

i always feel terrible when i say that, because the only way to truly understand oea/ramcoa is to go through it. i wouldn't wish that upon my greatest enemies. it just really sucks when the trauma i've faced and the effort i've given to get where i am today get dismissed and even pushed under the rug. i've spent my whole life not being believed by the people who were supposed to protect me. what makes my trauma so unbelievable?

most people don't understand and they never will. i think one of the worst aspects of oea/ramcoa that a lot of us don't mention is the loneliness of it all. even if i do talk to other survivors, oea/ramcoa is such a broad term, and its practices are vastly different from each other. there's not really a single safe person who will get everything about my story.

Cw: RAMCOA, drugging, forced splitting, abuse, programming/conditioning. Fuck idefk what else. Just fucking. Wow.

Finding out your abusive ex used the resources you gave her because she said she “wanted to help.” To create her own side system in your system to serve her is… wow. Like… it suddenly makes sense why the last three years have been a major blur, particularly whenever she would come down here and keep me with her 24/7 for… a month+ at a time, unable to leave. She built off of the programming we had already experienced and exploited it further to create… that. It’s genuinely fucking terrifying. I’m glad we’re finally rid of her, though.

I have an appointment on Monday to get actual tangible help with being an adult. I have a referral to a housing charity that my wife is unknowing about.

Defeciopus : an alter who is programmed but the program doesn't act as intended, wasn't reinforced enough or other reason.

Flag Meaning : The black in the center represents the programmer / handler / abuser. The white on the outside represents the rest of the system. The gradient represents how failed the program could be. The weak link icon in the alternate flag represents the alter being a weak link in the programming or being called one.

Nonrecovered ITBC Survivor : A survivor of ITBC who isn't currently recovered but is working toward it

Flag Meaning: The cracks show the trauma responses due to the ITBC, this especially refers to alters and dissociative barriers. The shades of purple and pink show the losses that result from the torture, and the conditioning itself. The light grey represents the memory loss and amnesia that the brain uses to cope, a lack of knowledge and a lack of self. The center stripe represents not being recovered from the trauma.