#tw ideation

I have even discouraged some people FROM making posts on my behalf because I'm so done with all of this. If anyone is *genuinely* harassing someone on my behalf and I know them, TELL ME. Show me proof so I can handle it.

I do not have alts for that bullshit either. The only "alt" email account I have is my old, original Tumblr, which is literally named "old prince leonis" so it'd be pretty obvious it was me. If I wanted to say something in anyone's inbox in this situation I'd not hide behind an alt because that's just plain dumb.

I have almost fully withdrawn myself from interactions around the bullshit, and yet I'm "using an alt to harass" no actually I don't have good enough mental health for that I genuinely feel like killing myself this week (I won't do so but ideation has kept me from more stuff recently)

If I wanted to talk to anyone, I'd do it to their face. I have everyone's accounts that I've seen blocked.

Also, I was informed someone said "without ID you can't prove they're 21" but like. wouldn't that be the same for them being a minor. They had no reason to lie on that application that doesn't even require specific age about being 21 and if they lied about that then uh, that's on them? And also really dangerous for other members if they're going to parade a false age then change it when it suits them.

Mental age ≠ physical age. It's a very important distinction to make that alters who are under 18 but in a body over 18 are not minors. Minor refers to physical / brain development and that's why it's such a heavy thing in such a situation.

For the record if you DO want to use that logic, I am of mental age under 7 most of the time. Even now, I just mask it really well. I'm an age sliding alter. By your standards, that's harassment and doxxing of a child, right?

News flash, my mental age doesn't affect my brain development or physical body.

Another news flash, you guys "doxxed" several minors.

Third news flash, y'all hid behind anon to attack me on this account until I turned it off.

I don't always agree with "every accusation is a confession" but it does seem pretty interesting y'all are always trying to claim worse whenever me or Medkit have a mental problem. That you're claiming rape and death threats- which, one, if someone actually is doing that, and you have evidence of who + I know them, I will cut their asses off. Idgaf what you've done rape threats are severely messed up and I would not condone them.

Also, we only hid the serious chat from one person. Y'all posting about it gave evidence of the spy. I expect a "banning innocent people" thing or whatever but yeah we know who it was and they were compliant in your actions.

Unfortunately, I've learned more things that- while I can't share for some people's safety, at least not yet- tells me who you people really are and it's truly disturbing. I wish you the best and hope you find treatment for whatever you're going through. And I do really mean that by the way, I always have since I first said it.

If you truly believed I did something wrong, I was always willing to talk and correct stuff. But making plans to post me on Tumblr before I even reblogged that post about a non-harmful identity y'all acted like was the only straw, calling me a dickrider- which by the way. Disgusting choice of words considering it's your supposed minor friend, and I've already stated that I don't like the sexual intent behind that word (and don't argue it doesn't have it. literally says dick and ride holy fuck) especially with my own sexual trauma- because I found them to be more polite in the situation (and I did know all that btw. I usually just go "yeah" so people don't think I'm brushing them off with "I know") than the other who quite literally decided to be a bully about it. Thinking back, I think y'all did that specifically to aggravate me considering that was the only conversation messages were deleted from + y'all conspiring to remove your submissions before that.

Just, alright. Like idgaf if you hate me or say "I don't like this guy because of this" but the targeting and the extra accusations that don't add up are just... Really messed up. Especially because you've involved more minors than you were ever defending, from other Tumblrs to my moderators to others, you've involved AT LEAST FOUR in your general harassment or pushy nature.

Apparently it's not some of y'all's first time doing something like this though.

Anyway, yeah go ahead and screenshot this and do your clickbait bullshit. People who want to know what's going on will read EVERYTHING and see the proof and make their own decisions. Those who just want to fight will pick a side before even knowing who's involved or what it's about. And so far, seems like people on your behalf only want to pick a fight.

If it further reassures you, after banning your spy, I explicitly stated harassment would be met with removal from server. Whether that's ban or full blacklist depending on the atrocity of the harassment. Anyone who threatens you isn't welcome there, even though you're not welcome there, either.

"leave those kids alone for five minutes" someone said but also when me and Medkit attempt to move forward or post about our own stuff it's bad too. ok

You guys…I am not ok and I’m sorry. I left initially because people were telling me they didn’t care about this blog and I felt I wasn’t providing the escape from reality and joy I wanted to but was also not getting joy out of it.

I’ve been focused on other fandoms but this blog is a different type of writing I just sometimes get the itch for so I don’t want to abandon it. I just plan on posting sporadically and not opening requests very often unfortunately and I am sorry for that.

That relationship I mentioned was not good and it is over. I am nearly 26 with no good relationships or normal experiences under my belt. All I’ve wanted is to be a wife and mother. When I was younger I wanted to be near marriage at this time but that is not going to happen. I feel almost completely undesirable and unloved. The one person who still cares about me is someone I’ve thrown away chances at a relationship with and that kills me.

I am struggling financially and to find a place to live so I can be alone and leave the landlady I have that is not a good fit for me. I have been unhappy at home. I receive lots of family pressure not to live on my own because they think I will be unsafe, but if I can’t even have an apartment without being killed, then kill me I guess.

Leadership at my job is bad and moving up like I dreamed at the location I want is not possible. I now have a one year plan to leave that place and if I can’t move up still at another location I will learn a trade if I can afford it.

A good friend of mine is soft launching ghosting me and I’ve taken the hint.

Life has not been worth living to me and my one year plan right now is desperately scrambling to make my life worth living or else I’ll likely end it. I am tired of happiness being difficult and fleeting. For however long I have even if my one year plan fails, I want to make some good things for you guys. I want to thank everyone who’s still been here while I’ve been such a spotty, shitty mess.

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Remus cackles as they all sink out, having just finished another video. He watches Roman and Logan run off to help edit, while Virgil and Janus slink off to be away from people for a while. He turns to comment to Patton, only to find the fatherly figure has vanished too.

"Alone again." Remus huffs to himself. "And just when we were all getting along too! Well, I suppose I should go think about dropping out computer in the bathtub or accidentally putting it in the dishwasher. Oooh! Or I could remind Thomas of how computers can catch fire! We'll kill everyone in the apartment! Grandma will be cremated early!"

Remus schemes as he runs upstairs and begins pacing the hall. He has more and more ideas flood his brain, only to stop when he hears thoughts that sound like his coming from the wrong part of the hallway.

He pauses and doubles back, at first offended by the encroachment. But then he puts his ear to the light blue door and realizes the thoughts sound familiar.

~No one actually likes you. You should just die. Everyone would be happier if you were gone. Your dad never wanted a gay son. You're a disappointment. I bet your friends wish they could all stab you like Julius Caesar. I bet they'd be happy you were gone. You annoy them anyway~

Remus pulled back, remembering goading Virgil with some of those thoughts right after reading Shakespeare in high school. Now, naturally, he was inclined to make a plot to stab Roman, but that didn't go anywhere. But why were they being played now? Surely the side inside couldn't be nostalgic for their Shakespeare days.

He slowly opened the door, slipping through the crack like a shadow. Then he looked around at how the room had shifted since the last time he was here. The room was dark with the dim fairy lights glowing a light blue.

Then there was the room's titular character! Remus crept closer to observe where Patton was sitting at the foot of his bed. The side's gaze was distant, with tears trickling down his cheeks as he watched memories replay in front of him.

Remus glanced at the screen, surprised to see Patton rewatching something from when they were so young. This was before his emo phase! Remus was about to make his presence known when he paused to watch with him.

(( "I…. I would do anything for him." The younger Right-brain whispers, considering his very best friend. "I… Is this love? I think I love him. Lo says love is only meant to be about kissing and babies, but that can't be it. I would do anything for him." Right-brain insists, only for Remus to hear his own disembodied whisper.

"Would you die for him? What if he was murdered? Would you take revenge for him? What if someone pointed a gun at us and made you choose? Would you take a bullet ripping through your skin and organs for him?"

Right-brain considers it quietly, then nods. "I would die for him."

"Would you kill yourself for him? Maybe he'd want that, you know? If you really loved him, you would. If you really loved him, you'd do anything."

"Yeah… anything." ))

The memory Bubble closes, and Patton pulls up another.

(( "Shut up, Patton, the adults are talking." Logan motions between Roman and himself.

"Aww, you're so silly." Patton shrugs it off, but stays silent. Maybe it's for the best anyway. If Logan wants him to be quiet its probably for the best anyway. And he'd do anything for Logan. Or Roman too. He loved them both so much. He'd forgive them for being mean. He'd push all the hurt from their cruel words down. If he was willing to die for them, surely he should be willing to forgive them.

Remus frowns as he sees a younger version of his shadow creep beside Patton.

"I bet they wish you got stabbed in the neck so you couldn't talk anymore. Look how much happier they are when you shut up. They're so happy without you. I bet they wish they could be without you more often. I bet they wish you would just die." ))

Remus gritted his teeth as that memory bubble popped and another replaced it. Then another and another after that, showing time after time that Remus' whispers could be heard all throughout Patton's memories.

Then the last bubble popped, and Patton's glazed expression broke down with it. He collapsed against his knees and began sobbing deep, ugly sobs. Remus watched, frozen in place, only to see his shadow duplicate and begin spinning around the room.

"You do more harm than good. Thomas is better off without you. Everyone is better off without you. You're evil. You should swallow all the pills. You're such a drama queen. No one actually likes you. You could stab yourself. Or you could bash your head in on the counter. I'd bet they'd all be so glad they don't have to deal with you anymore. They'd be so happy you're gone. The only problem is the body. Your rotting corpse would start a fly infestation. Though maybe that's preferable to you."

Patton continued sobbing, not even fighting the whirling thoughts. He fought them off and pretended they didn't exist for so long. For so, so long. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he indulged just for a bit. If he stopped repressing what he knew was true.

Remus raced out of the room, trying to catch his breath. He crashed into Janus' room, flopping down in front of him. "Jan!!! I need your help! I have an icky feeling in my tummy!"

"Remus, I swear. If you barf on my carpet again-" Janus began.

"No! Like… like I've done something wrong!"

"Did you wash your morning glass hash down with liquid soap again?" Janus raised one brow, unsympathetic to his plight.

"NO! Not like that! Like… I… I think I really really screwed something up. Janus, have you ever told a lie so stupid that no one should've believed it but they did?"

"All the time. The others are idiots. What did you tell them?" Janus sat up, only mildly curious now.