#tw ideation

--------------------------------------------

Patton woke up, knowing he'd cried himself to sleep the night before. He took a deep breath, already anticipating the dehydration migraine. If only crying actually made all those feelings go away instead of just letting out the pressure. Instead of being overwhelmed by all the negative thoughts, he now felt empty with a lingering sadness, as if stuck at the bottom.

He got up and picked out a punny t-shirt, then went to take a shower to try and wash some of the yucky feelings away. He pulled out his favorite body wash and turned on the tap, trying to ignore the whispers.

You can bleed out in a bathtub. It'll be much easier for the others to clean. Oooh, remember that documentary about how that guy did it by using hot and cold water to bleed out faster? Or what about that creepypasta about the girl who fell in the shower and cracked her skull and died? I bet the others would be happy if you just died. You might start decomposing before they noticed. I wonder how far along you'd be by the time they found you?

Patton braced himself and stepped under the stream, letting the warm water hit his tense muscles and joints. His body relaxed a bit under the flow, slowly washing away the old skin and grime and replacing it with his favorite scents. Then he stepped out and toweled off before getting dressed.

Then he paused, sitting down on his bed before facing the day. Part of him wanted to just crawl back under the covers and forgo the whole day. Would it really be so bad to not get up? Would anyone actually care? Maybe they would be happy he wasn't screwing everything up.

You could always take a whole bunch of Benadryl. That makes you pass out so hard you might actually not wake up. And it would only take 28 of your prescription Neoproxen to kill you, probably. Though that's assuming you don't die slowly over the course of a week from liver failure. Does liver failure hurt? It must. That would be really painful.

Patton sighed, rubbing his palms against his eyes behind his glasses. Just for one morning, it would be nice to be excited to greet the day. To have all the excitement of Anne from Green Gables, or to greet the world like at the beginning of Hairspray. Instead, he had to hype himself up just to do stupid, simple things like eat and be around the people he loves. He really is a failure of a person, isn't he?

He got up and slowly made his way downstairs, knowing he would feel worse if he didn't make it down before 10. He made his way over to their coffee machine and made a quick pot. Then he got out a pan to fry a couple of eggs. Making something always made him feel more productive. And being productive sometimes made the whispers not as intense. Sometimes.

As he was cooking, he heard another set of footsteps come down the stairs. Too heavy for Virgil, not steady like Logan, no humming, so no Roman… that left Janus and Remus. He was still learning what each of their steps sounded like, but given the loud thud as they skipped the last five steps with a huge jump, Patton narrowed it down.

"Morning, Remus! Do you want anything for breakfast? I made coffee?" He called as Remus crawled over the counter and into the kitchen.

"Depends on what you're making? Oatmeal with glass? Bugs in the cereal?" Remus hummed, trying to remain his chipper self. He had no idea how to bring up what he overheard last night.

"How about a fried egg in a toast circle? Some people call that a toad in a hole?" Patton suggests, getting out some bread.

"Ooh! Are they frog eggs? Green eggs and ham?"

"Uh,… I don't think so. I think it's just a name. But if you want, I can put some green food coloring in it? Or some spinach or broccoli? I think that would make it green and lumpy." Patton offers, cutting the holes in the bread and toasting up the centers.

"Both would be great! There were probably bugs crawling on both of those veggies. And did you know veggies are grown in poo? Isn't that great?" Remus snickered.

"That is interesting. I'm pretty sure I washed them off pretty well, but it is fun to think about where our food comes from." Patton nodded, getting out a knife to cut the veggies into more bite-sized pieces. Remus grimaced as he saw one of his shadows casually loop about Patton's arm to whisper to him.

One good slice and maybe you'd bleed out. Careful now, you wouldn't want to trip and stab Remus. What if you dropped the knife and it went through your foot? Or you cut your own Achilles heel. Can you really die from that? Would it hurt?

Patton shook his head, quietly arguing with it. "Logan would be mad if I died in the kitchen. It's a biohazard. And Virgil would have a hard time getting food if someone died here. I don't want to make him getting food any harder than it already is."

"Who are you talking to?" Remus ventured, unsure how else to confront this.

"Oh?" Patton's head snapped up to look at him. "Oh, it's nothing. Just thinking about what I have to do today. You know how I get. Just talking about nothing like an old person. Just ignore me."

Remus hopped off the counter and walked over to his side, helping him put down the knife. "I talk to myself too. Don't be ashamed, Patty. What were you saying?"

"I… it was nothing. I was just thinking about biohazards, you know? I bet you think about them all the time!" He shrugs away, cracking a few eggs and mixing them up.

"I definitely do! But I'll be honest, I didn't know your mind was so hazardous too!" Remus smiled, comforted by the thought of garbage. All the beautiful trash in the world. But then he remembered his mission and went back to watching Patton cook.

"Sometimes, I suppose. Mostly just thinking about how to avoid being a biohazard so Logan doesn't flip out. Hes real sensative about messes and stuff." Patton shrugs.

"I've noticed! He's all up in Thomas' business about that all the time! It must be exhausting." Remus hops up to sit on the counter again.

"It's just who he is. I wouldn't have him any other way." Patton smiles fondly, but then the smile fades a bit as he's sure Logan would rather have him a different way. Or maybe no him at all. Logan probably smiles more when he's not around. And that's good. It's good Logan has things that make him happy. That'll make everything easier when he's gone.

"Earth to Patton! I like my toast burnt, but if you don't, you might wanna flip that bad boy!" Remus called, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Oh! Gosh. Thanks, Remus! You're a lifesaver!" Patton flipped his toast, finishing up his own portion before starting on Remus'. "You said you liked burnt toast?"

"Cremated. I am a lifesaver, aren't I? I give Virgil stuff to look out for that he's never even thought of!" Remus chuckles to himself, wishing he knew what to say.

"You should try to be nicer to Virgil. He's… going through a rough time right now." Patton looks down at the pan. Remus watches as a shadow tightens around Patton's chest.

Permission. Virgil is mad at you. I bet he wishes you two never met. Did you see the glare he gave you when you were filming? I bet he wishes your lips were sewn shut like that guy from Hocus Pocus. I bet he wishes you were dead like Billy too. Then he wouldn't have your overbearing, manipulative, horrible self in his business ever again. He was so happy without you. Roman saw him with the purple eyeshadow first. He was actually happy when you weren't around. He'd be happier if you were never around again.

Patton grips the counter, rapidly blinking to keep the tears out of his eyes. Ok. That one hurt. Just hold on a little longer. Finish up breakfast, then you can cry later.

You're so pathetic crying over the truth. You don't deserve to feel sad when you're the one making everyone else's lives miserable.

Patton jumped as he felt Remus' arms around him, replacing the squeeze from the shadow with a tight hug.

"Hey kiddo… you ok?"

"I'm trying to boa constrict you." Remus shrugged, unsure how to explain that he just thought Patton needed a hug.

"Oh, ok. You're doing a real good job. Very tight. Janus will be so jealous!" Patton smiles over his shoulder, and Remus can't help but melt a little. His smile is so bright, and he's so so kind to everyone except himself. If only a lobotomy would fix him, Remus would do it in a heartbeat.

"I wanna keep you," Remus states as Patton pours the eggs and veggies into his toast hole.

"Oh?" Patton pauses, unsure what to do with that. "Like… taxodurmy?"

"If necessary, I suppose. But I was thinking more like… in my basement. I'd feed and water you and change your newspaper and everything." Remus chuckles, watching as Patton intentionally burns his toast.

Patton laughs at first, but then quietly considers what that would be like. "That might not be half bad. Would I have my own food to cook for us like this, or would I need to eat glass oatmeal?"

"Oh, you'd definitely have your own fridge and stuff. Your tummy is too cute to get cut up from the inside." Remus squeezes him a little tighter.

"Cute?" Patton repeats in surprise.

"Yeah! Everyone thinks you're cute!" Remus nods quickly, eager to latch onto something, only for Patton to laugh as if it were a joke.

"That's a good one! You're really branching out with your humor!"

Remus scrunches his nose, unsure how to proceed. Maybe he'll have to pull out the big guns! "Roman called you a cute puffball."

Remus wasn't prepared for Patton's flinch or the burst of shadows that began circling the room at the mention of Roman.

He'll never forgive you. He wishes you were dead. He wishes he never met you. He said he has problems with you. He hates you. He'd be happier if you had died. You should've died years ago. You ruined his dreams. You're the reason he's upset. You made him question his purpose. No one has ever screwed up as badly as you. I bet he wishes you were dead. Then he could go live his dream. He hates you. He has every reason to hate you. He'll never forgive you. He'd be happy if you died.

Patton gasped for breath, unable to stop this set of tears from falling. He backed up, trying to get out of Remus' hold. "Sorry. I'm sorry. Got pepper in my eye."

Remus only squeezed him tighter, using his tentacles to grab a tissue. "Here. Blow your boogies. I don't mind a little human salt in my breakfast. It's ok."

Patton's chest hitched at the comfort, feeling the deep stabbing ache of all the emotions. Maybe soon he'd have the courage to make them all happy. "It will be."

Remus held him, trying not to panic. How was he supposed to fix this? What could he say that Patton would actually believe?

"Hey Patty-Daddy?"

"Uhm… Maybe don't call me that. But what's up?" Patton blew his nose.

"Well… I'm in a bit of a pickle, and not the sweet mustard kind. Can you help me?" Remus asked gently, carrying Patton to the sink so he could wash his hands.

"I can certainly try! I'm not the best help, but we can start. Then Logan might be able to help? He's really good at solving problems."

Remus nods; maybe Logan would have some insight later. "So… uhm… say I did something a long time ago that I'm feeling kind of bad about now? Is it too late to try and make things right?"

"Oh, Remus! It's never too late! It might take some time to build that trust back up, but I'm sure if you're genuinely sorry, apologizing will help you be able to move on." Patton answered so quickly.

"And… what if they don't accept it? What then?" He carries Patton back to the stove so he can finish cooking.

"Well… then I suppose all you can do is give them space. Try to make better choices in the future." Patton sighs quietly, chest aching again.

"And what if I just… want to give up. Because it's too much and if I screw it up again someone will get hurt?" Remus squeezed tighter, matching the ache.

Patton was quiet for a beat as what he knew to be true and what he believed battled in his mind. "Then maybe at that point it's ok to ask for help. You're not alone, Mus. You have me, and Jan. And the Logan can help with any question you might ever have, and Roman is so creative, and Virgil helps ground you and stops your ideas from getting away with you. You're not alone, Remus. You're an important part of Thomas, and if you get overwhelmed, we're here to help."

"Have you ever gotten overwhelmed?" Remus wondered, unsure how else to continue the conversation.

Patton was quiet for a beat before nodding. "I should've asked for help then. I let it get the better of me and royally screwed up."

Remus held him, watching as he took the burnt green lumpy toad in a hole off the stove. Patton sniffed, squirming to get away again. "Here, you should eat before it gets cold."

"Not yet," Remus said a little more forcefully than he intended to. "Just… wait a minute. Was that the Lillypatton thing?"

Patton stilled in his arms before nodding.

"From what I heard, that was awesome looking. So jealous I wasn't there. Do you really have abs?" He feels over Patton's stomach, feeling a laugh bubble out of it.

"What? I… I don't remember. I think so? I'm glad you weren't there. I couldn't handle having you see me like that too."

"Like what?"

Patton takes a few breaths, realizing he said too much. "I… I dunno. Like a monster, I guess."

"And why is that so bad? I'm not opposed to banging Mothman if the opportunity arises!"

"Because I hurt people! I… I'm not like Mothman or Nessy or anything. I actually hurt people and…" Patton tries to catch his breath, feeling the panic rising inside him. He felt so warm and sticky, which only made the panic increase. Not again! Not again!

"And they still love you," Remus states calmly. "They hurt you too. I heard Janus smacked you around as frog-hulk. But you don't seem to be keeping any bruises or grudges."

"It's not the same. I hurt Thomas. Then I really, really hurt Ro. I wouldn't blame them if they never forgive me." Patton feels more tears blur his vision.

"Roman is petty, but he'll come around. He likes Virgil now." Remus rubbed his back.

"Virgil is so easy to love! He's smart and funny and helpful! Of course he loves Virgil! We all do!"

"And you're not easy to love? According to who?"

"Everyone! Just look around, mus! I'm too much for Logan, and too overbearing for Virgil, and too inconsistent for Roman. I… I don't blame them. I…" Patton chokes on another sob. "I wouldn't love me either."

Remus almost crushes him in a hug, holding him tight against his chest as he cries. "That can't be true… cause I love you."

"No, you don't… or you won't. I've screwed so much up it'll only be a matter of time before you see the real me and you're disappointed too."

"Don't tell me not to love the messed up, Patton. I love everything screwed up and disappointing and real. Doesn't that make you the perfect candidate for my love?"

Patton blinks, looking up at him in surprise. "How could you like this?"

"Easily." Remus kisses his forehead gently. "So, so easily. Can I tell you a secret?"

Remus waits for his nod before continuing. "Intrusive thoughts play on half-truths. They mix up facts and lies and anxieties and creativities. Sometimes it's hard to separate which part is which. But I promise you, I'll help you sort them out. If you'll let them, I think eventually the others will help you sort them out too. I love you too, Patton. You're worth sorting out these thoughts and knowing what is true."

"But what if I don't like what I find?" He whispers so so quietly.

"Then I'll be there for that too. It's never too late to change. To apologize. To grow. To ask for help. People want to help you. Will you let them?"

I have even discouraged some people FROM making posts on my behalf because I'm so done with all of this. If anyone is *genuinely* harassing someone on my behalf and I know them, TELL ME. Show me proof so I can handle it.

I do not have alts for that bullshit either. The only "alt" email account I have is my old, original Tumblr, which is literally named "old prince leonis" so it'd be pretty obvious it was me. If I wanted to say something in anyone's inbox in this situation I'd not hide behind an alt because that's just plain dumb.

I have almost fully withdrawn myself from interactions around the bullshit, and yet I'm "using an alt to harass" no actually I don't have good enough mental health for that I genuinely feel like killing myself this week (I won't do so but ideation has kept me from more stuff recently)

If I wanted to talk to anyone, I'd do it to their face. I have everyone's accounts that I've seen blocked.

Also, I was informed someone said "without ID you can't prove they're 21" but like. wouldn't that be the same for them being a minor. They had no reason to lie on that application that doesn't even require specific age about being 21 and if they lied about that then uh, that's on them? And also really dangerous for other members if they're going to parade a false age then change it when it suits them.

Mental age ≠ physical age. It's a very important distinction to make that alters who are under 18 but in a body over 18 are not minors. Minor refers to physical / brain development and that's why it's such a heavy thing in such a situation.

For the record if you DO want to use that logic, I am of mental age under 7 most of the time. Even now, I just mask it really well. I'm an age sliding alter. By your standards, that's harassment and doxxing of a child, right?

News flash, my mental age doesn't affect my brain development or physical body.

Another news flash, you guys "doxxed" several minors.

Third news flash, y'all hid behind anon to attack me on this account until I turned it off.

I don't always agree with "every accusation is a confession" but it does seem pretty interesting y'all are always trying to claim worse whenever me or Medkit have a mental problem. That you're claiming rape and death threats- which, one, if someone actually is doing that, and you have evidence of who + I know them, I will cut their asses off. Idgaf what you've done rape threats are severely messed up and I would not condone them.

Also, we only hid the serious chat from one person. Y'all posting about it gave evidence of the spy. I expect a "banning innocent people" thing or whatever but yeah we know who it was and they were compliant in your actions.

Unfortunately, I've learned more things that- while I can't share for some people's safety, at least not yet- tells me who you people really are and it's truly disturbing. I wish you the best and hope you find treatment for whatever you're going through. And I do really mean that by the way, I always have since I first said it.

If you truly believed I did something wrong, I was always willing to talk and correct stuff. But making plans to post me on Tumblr before I even reblogged that post about a non-harmful identity y'all acted like was the only straw, calling me a dickrider- which by the way. Disgusting choice of words considering it's your supposed minor friend, and I've already stated that I don't like the sexual intent behind that word (and don't argue it doesn't have it. literally says dick and ride holy fuck) especially with my own sexual trauma- because I found them to be more polite in the situation (and I did know all that btw. I usually just go "yeah" so people don't think I'm brushing them off with "I know") than the other who quite literally decided to be a bully about it. Thinking back, I think y'all did that specifically to aggravate me considering that was the only conversation messages were deleted from + y'all conspiring to remove your submissions before that.

Just, alright. Like idgaf if you hate me or say "I don't like this guy because of this" but the targeting and the extra accusations that don't add up are just... Really messed up. Especially because you've involved more minors than you were ever defending, from other Tumblrs to my moderators to others, you've involved AT LEAST FOUR in your general harassment or pushy nature.

Apparently it's not some of y'all's first time doing something like this though.

Anyway, yeah go ahead and screenshot this and do your clickbait bullshit. People who want to know what's going on will read EVERYTHING and see the proof and make their own decisions. Those who just want to fight will pick a side before even knowing who's involved or what it's about. And so far, seems like people on your behalf only want to pick a fight.

If it further reassures you, after banning your spy, I explicitly stated harassment would be met with removal from server. Whether that's ban or full blacklist depending on the atrocity of the harassment. Anyone who threatens you isn't welcome there, even though you're not welcome there, either.

"leave those kids alone for five minutes" someone said but also when me and Medkit attempt to move forward or post about our own stuff it's bad too. ok

You guys…I am not ok and I’m sorry. I left initially because people were telling me they didn’t care about this blog and I felt I wasn’t providing the escape from reality and joy I wanted to but was also not getting joy out of it.

I’ve been focused on other fandoms but this blog is a different type of writing I just sometimes get the itch for so I don’t want to abandon it. I just plan on posting sporadically and not opening requests very often unfortunately and I am sorry for that.

That relationship I mentioned was not good and it is over. I am nearly 26 with no good relationships or normal experiences under my belt. All I’ve wanted is to be a wife and mother. When I was younger I wanted to be near marriage at this time but that is not going to happen. I feel almost completely undesirable and unloved. The one person who still cares about me is someone I’ve thrown away chances at a relationship with and that kills me.

I am struggling financially and to find a place to live so I can be alone and leave the landlady I have that is not a good fit for me. I have been unhappy at home. I receive lots of family pressure not to live on my own because they think I will be unsafe, but if I can’t even have an apartment without being killed, then kill me I guess.

Leadership at my job is bad and moving up like I dreamed at the location I want is not possible. I now have a one year plan to leave that place and if I can’t move up still at another location I will learn a trade if I can afford it.

A good friend of mine is soft launching ghosting me and I’ve taken the hint.

Life has not been worth living to me and my one year plan right now is desperately scrambling to make my life worth living or else I’ll likely end it. I am tired of happiness being difficult and fleeting. For however long I have even if my one year plan fails, I want to make some good things for you guys. I want to thank everyone who’s still been here while I’ve been such a spotty, shitty mess.