#turtle tunes

Turtle Tunes has an objectively weird premise. It's not a horrible one for doing some goofy less actiony videos as these costumes would tear apart if the wind blew on them slightly, I can't imagine them doing full on fight scenes like the movies, but it's still weird for the nonexistant budget this thing has.

So the turtles got a hookup from april to host their own show on channel 6 and were this just a tmnt version of waynes world i'd have watched this years ago. Also something to keep in mind for the mutant mayhem verse. Just saying.

But no their instead just counting down their faviorite songs.. and rather than say use the ones from out of our shells which are actually pretty good, or make some up they decide to do covers of various public domain songs and still present it like it's TRL. Do kids still know what TRL was? I.. I feel old.

Anyways, the Turtles rather than have April, who agreed to this in the first place, Splinter or Casey help out, instead have a bunch of random kids serve as their crew and boss them around. Also Mikey runs off and apparently does this all the time. Just goes to skateboard around the park and do mushrooms, living his best life.

As for the rest of the plot

This vid is just an excuse to do terrible covers of public domain songs.. and a loose one of Rick Springfield's don't talk to strangers. I'm dead serious. I mean the song IS a mild banger and using it for an actual anti stranger message and not Rick Springfield desperatly trying to stop his girlfriend from leaving him, but it's left as atonal garbage.

I don't have much for this one. I mean it has Leo on a rowboat as he slowly dies inside, that's kinda funny and it's weird they chose to do that one to yankee doodle dandy instead of row row row your boat, but I stand by their dumbass decision. At least Leo struggling to breath as he rows a boat is funny. Everything else is just bland: the turtles talk over each other, announce videos and somehow get renewed, though I think the renewal is really an excuse to get them out into the open and into a woodchipper.

Turtle Tunes proves, in the words of our prophet huey lewis, sometimes bad is bad. Sometimes cheese can be really funny, this is just 20 some minutes of my life I won't get back.

Thankfully We Wish You A Turtles Christmas, which emma and I watched before is so bad it's good. It's gloriosuly stupid, cheap and while still using music videos to pad things, is far more creative with them. This feels more like a tmnt product.. one that was written by a sentient mound of cocaine, but still a thing people put actually efort into at least feeling like a tmnt vide0 Turtles tunes could have any obnoxious mascot jammed in it. It could've been Busby Tunes... imagine him announcing videos and doing stuff and

Okay maybe it's thanks to saftey regulations we got the turtles, but still you could've also just.. put an opossum on screen to music. There's a line and a few layers of hell between TMNT and Bubsy

We Wish You A Turtles Christmas is the good kind of crack to Turtle Tunes shard of glass they tell you is crack, taking a straightforward tale of "the turtles forget to get a gift and have to go get it" and making it baffling as it is hilaroius.

So our story begins with We're the Turtles, the theme song for both tapes where their turtles and their on the look out for a friend in need that's what their about... and never actually find one too busy as they laugh and sing and do their thing their the turtles. Their the turtles. It's this weird durge that gets glued to your brain.

So it's christmas eve and the turtles are joking, putting presents under the tree while Leonardo sings Reggage, you know what everyone does every christmas. Or else.

Leo is horribly out of character in both these specials, taking being a stern big brother type who leads the team and tries to keep them on task and making him a dick who insults his brothers and also the mutant equilvent of Ras Trent.

As for the reggae song itself it's deck the halls but TO A REGGAE BEAT MON. CULTURAL APROPRATION POWER! It's the clear seperation from this special and turtle tunes; Turtle Tunes is KINDA weird, We Wish You A Turtles Christmas is FUCKING weird. You have a scooby dooby doo doo laden song about decking the halls that both is happy Bebeop and Rocksteady aren't here yet wishes a merry christmas to the shredder, while also having a beat drop for some reason. It's beautiful and I never want to hear it again.

The turtles then have a horrifying relization: WE FORGOT TO GET A GIFT FOR SPLINTER. I do like HOW this comes about as it's the only part of this special that's not written by a guy who was told the basics about the turtles then told to write a christmas special or they'd release the bees. The boys all thought one of the others had the duty: it's a sitcom cliche sure but one that would happen to a family.

So they have to go shopping on christmas eve with a rousing rendention of over the river and through the woods "up through the sewer"... or sleep inducing. Let's go with coma-tastic, sounds snappier.

We get to the surface for what's the best song of the special. A subterranian bar but it's the upbeat and peppy gotta get a gift for splinter. It has dancing, random children out on christmas eve busking, ryming gotta gift for splinter with "I hate shopping in the winter", and suggesting they get him a go cart "a go cart in the sewer baby!" while aruging. This sibling bantering and bickering at least is a little fun.

We then get to the most inexplicable part of this special.. and yes

As Mikey decides to sing opera. And this alone would be amazing just for the sheer what the fuckery.. but the turtles annoyed reactions and implication he does this a lot just sell it. The bit's dumb, but like this special it's also fun. No one not even the characters know why the fuck this is happeing.

After that our turtles return home to wrap they also decide.. TO RAP. Yes it's time for the Rap every bit of 90's childrens media thought they could do. It's as painfully awkward as you could hope for. Not as awkard as the rasta bit because it has a little bit of a beat but it sure does exist, i'll give it that.

So with that we get the climax as the turtles all get vauge gifts and give Splinter a 12 days of christmas themeed barrage of gifts while awkwardly sings about them. I do love how he looses pace towards the end and looses his space and his delighted "nailed it" when he catches up. Splinters singing is stiff as it's clear his actor cannot sing int he character voice, but I'll give him points for enthussim

So the gifts they got are

Twelve April O'Neil autographs

Eleven pairs of sneakers

Ten yellow yo-yos

Nine narrow neckties

Eight chopsticks

Seven silk kimonos

Six frisbees

Five video games

Four man-hole covers

Three skateboards

Two comic books

And a pizza with pepperoni

It's a bizzare assortment something you notice while listening but really looking at the lyrics, thanks turtlepedia for having those so I didn't have to listen to this song in full again to find em all, you see just how slapdash it is. It's in character but it dosen't make it any less bizzare as this list is not played for laughs. So we have 12 autographs from someone they know and likely got in a rush, elven pairs of sneakers which.. is honestly quite nice they found them in his size as while it's not his style of footwear i'm sure splinter would love some shoes after walking in the sewer barefoot for nearly two decades, ten yellow yo yos clearly from the dollar store, nine narrow neckties which while the specitfication weird is a classic parent ot child they don't know too well gift, eight chopsticks which is just.. .did you guys go for chinese and realize you missed a gift for your schitck, seven silk kimonos which is kind thougthful and a good gift, six frisbees because they went back to the dollar store, five video games all copies of the first NES game no one wanted, four man hole covers because theft is okay if it's christmas, three skateboards because splinter can shred man, two comic books which is just aweirdly low number and a pizza with pepperoni which is the most self serving as we all know Splitner prefers sushi.

Finally we have the title song.. which is eh. I don't have much to say its there for a moment, it's gone and they all rock out ending the special.

Walking into the spare room Annie made it a point to make as much noise as she could; he’d been laying in his room in the same spot for days at that point with some god awful maroon 5 song on repeat. Even the room smelled like stale sunlight and … candy. You really need better coping mechanisms, she thought to herself. She pulled the curtains open, letting the afternoon sun pour in like a tipped over vase, watching how it creeped across his floor and up the side of the bed to coat him in much needed warmth.

Castiel recoiled at the sudden brightness though and pulled the blanket over his head like a racoon chasing the dark depths of a tree trunk for security... before Annie marched over and yanked the blanket right off.

“Hey! I was using that!” Cas complained with a whine.

Annie rolled her eyes and began folding the blanket up. “You need to get up out of the bed, take a shower- use some fucking soap and get out of this room, Cas.” She pressed her hands to her hips and rolled her eyes when he flipped her off. “Don’t act like a child.” She squinted at him, “Get up, I made you dinner; come on.. up, up.” She poked and prodded him until he finally sat up with a growling huff. “Up, come on, come on.” She nudged his shoulders and pulled her arm back to her side when he glared over at her from behind days old scruff and bedhead. 

“I’m not hungry.” He mumbled tiredly. 

With a sigh, Annie took a seat beside him and patted his knee. “I know.” She stated matter of factly. “But you should try to have something, even if it’s just a piece of toast…” she smiled sadly at him and gave his knee a gentle squeeze. “Come on, the days almost over anyway, you can watch a movie with me before I actually have to go to bed.” She teased getting up to leave. When she turned back Cas was still sitting there with a hollowed expression seeping from his features. “Cheer up, Castiel, I’ll make you some hot chocolate and I’ll let you pick what we watch.” she left the room to let him clean up and get dressed while she went to make him a cup of cocoa and one for herself.

By the time the sun went down he seemed to be in brighter spirits, she'd managed to make him laugh wiht a few jokes, but once she brought up John again his entire demeanor shifted back to the silent, lonely rumination of before when she'd found him in the bedroom.

Cas lingered against her counter for a second longer; pretending to let her words sink in just to make her happy.

Annie sipped her mug and plucked a star shaped marshmallow out, tossing it into Castiel's cup, cheering for herself with a fist pump when it hardly splashed. “I’m just saying Castiel, there’s still hope.”

“Annie… be realistic.” He laughed sadly, staring at the hot chocolate she’d made him that was slowly growing cold on the counter. “He’s getting married, he loves Maggie.”

“Oh, please he doesn’t love her.” She waved her hands around then tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“What do you mean? Yes he does!” Cas laughed, that time finding humor in her denial that she didn’t willingly back down from. 

“And how do you know that huh?” Annie folded her arms and popped her hip out. 

“Uh because” he says in an exasperated voice. “John said, and I quote, don’t call me anymore cas- delete my number I'm in love with Maggie and we’re getting married.” 

“Ok… and?” Annie shook her head and widened her eyes at Cas.

“You’re playing with me right, this is all a joke where you're acting like John isn’t about to get married in three days to a woman who can’t even handle not gagging when she hears him say my name….” Castiel gave Annie a stern look and folded his arms back at her. “What exactly do you want me to do, Annie, sneak into his wedding and be that weirdo who runs up and says, I object!” 

Annie dissolved into laughter and Castiel’s deadpan glare of irritated displeasure only made her laugh harder. She brushed a few stray tears from her eyes and caught her breath before speaking again. “You know, you could probably win him back with that look.”

“It’s not funny Annie, you’re not funny.” He squinted to look angrier and hide the sadness behind that mask instead. 

“So then what, you’re just gonna go out tonight and what? Mope around and get in a bar brawl and call the guy to bail you out again?”

I’m not gonna mope… I’m going to wander with my head up and I’m gonna go get myself some candy at the shop down off Grant Avenue-.”

Annie quickly sobered up from her laugher her eyes going wide and then narrow. “No you’re not!” She snapped. “Grant Avenue is the worst place this time of night and you’re a grown man, you don’t need candy that badly.”

“Now I can’t have candy because I’m grown?" Castiel countered her argument. "Grant Avenue is the only place that sells good candy- last time you made me go to Wiggins and all they had was gum drops and circus peanuts— I almost died!”

“Yeah well you’ll definitely die if you go to Grant Avenue. I mean it Cas you’re not going there this time of night.”

“You’re not my mother.”

“Yeah well maybe you need one with all the bad ideas you have.” She rolled her eyes at him and turned to rummage through her fridge, she pulled an apple out and held it up to him. “You could have natures candy.”

“I’d rather get beat up and left for dead than eat one of those nasty things.”

“Don’t be such a dramatic little baby it’s an apple.”

“Yeah a red delicious one.” He plucked it from her hand and chucked it in the bin. 

“Cas!” She reached in and took it out. “Exactly, it’s a red delicious, henceforth it’s delicious.” She brushed some coffee grinds off the skin. 

“No, no no no, everyone knows that red delicious apples are the worst apple to ever exist. They’re always warm and mushy and grainy they’re not even the slightest bit delicious they’re horrendous they should be called atrocious reds.”

"The only thing atrocious here is your style.” Annie quirked a brow up at him.  

“My style is what caught John’s eye in college so there.”

“Yeah and now look; the two of you aren’t even allowed to call one another on the phone …” she quipped, watching Castiel’s expression fall with a heavy sigh. “Cas… just… just talk to him, call him and ask him to meet you tomorrow, I know John better than anyone— better than Maggie.”

Cas grabbed his coat and house keys and turned for the door. “I’m going to Wiggins, you want anything?” He asked her, blinking away the sting from his eyes. 

“Starbursts- the share size!” She hollered after him, rushing to the door. “And a pack of grape bubblegum!” She lingered at the door, watching him walk down towards the city lights. She chewed lightly at her bottom lip, wondering if she should call John and chew him out, but she knew that would just drive a wedge between the two of them even further.

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Cas walked along the sidewalks illuminated by the bright lights of the city, keeping his hands in his pockets as the temperature dropped and scattered rolls of thunder echoed through the hustle and bustle of the night life. He pulled his phone out, scrolling through the call list, John’s number was still there from the last time he’d called. From the night he told him to stop calling him. He sucked in a deep breath and dialed it in before placing the phone to his ear. It went straight to voicemail and even the mere sound of his voice sent a ping of grief ricocheting through Castiel. He tried again, each number he pressed his fingers shook worse; terrified of the potential rejection. 

It rang twice and then he picked up—- she picked up. “Why are you still calling this number Castiel?” Maggie’s snide tone filled the space between his pounding heartbeats. “I always knew you were trouble; why can’t you fucking leave him alone; why do you have to destroy his happiness. You’re nothing but a fuck up, a weirdo he roomed with in college, you think he didn’t tell me all about you when we first started dating?” She ranted while he just stood there listening; internalizing her insults. “He felt bad for you, you were just a weird guy with no friends and no family. A freak that he only kept you around for when he was bored. Her hates you—He doesn’t love you Castiel, he doesn’t even like you when are you gonna get that?” 

“Right.. well.. um- I was just, I was just calling to congratulate him, I didn’t need anything.” His voice was quiet and broken; whatever emotion he was holding back she could practically feel it through the phone. Her lips snarled upwards in a smile; she saw John as a prize, a victory to be won. “Bye Maggie.” He hung up before she could get another word in. 

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“Who was that, honey?” John asked, when Maggie came back from the kitchen. He smiled at her, wrapping an arm around her waist when she came to sit down with him. When she brushed it off as a telemarketer and told him not to worry he leaned over, kissing her cheek before turning his attention back to the movie. 

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Cas spiraled; he tried not to, but all he could hear was the harsh sound of Maggie laughing at him over the phone. He couldn’t get her words out of his head- the way she didn’t falter at all; it made him feel so small.. so insecure. So… weird, just like in college when John would get upset with him, before they’d confessed that they liked one another. Before the library or the shower… 

He passed Wiggins corner store and turned left heading up towards Grant Avenue. Annie would understand when he got back, he’d tell her about the phone call and how he just… 

A few guys whistled and cackled at him like hyena’s, but he ignored them. He put his head down and watched his footsteps, all while trying to get to the corner store before any trouble could come his way. “Hey where you goin’ buddy?” One of the men called out to him, when he didn’t answer back another one of the guys ran after and grabbed him by the arm. “Hey we asked you somethin’ didn’t you hear us?” He yanked Cas back and turned him around to face the group. 

Cas swallowed down regret and annoyance, but when he turned to walk around the guy who’d grabbed him another man got up and blocked his way. “I’m just trying to get home… I don’t have anything— I,”

The man blocking his path raised a hand up, palming Castiel’s face with it, pushing his head back so that Cas had to take a few stumbling steps back into the rest of the group in order to right his balance. The group let out low laughter, hushed words dancing between them; taunting Castiel for fun. 

“Why don’t you show us what you have and then we’ll decide if you can go home…” the man sitting on a concrete block spoke up, establishing himself as the leader of the group. Cas turned over his shoulder towards him and then back to face the other men surrounding him. “Empty your pockets.”

Cas clenched his jaw and balled his hands into fists inside his jacket. One of the men wrenched his arms out of his pockets roughly before shoving Cas backwards over a curb. Watching him hit the ground brought more laughter and a few high fives and clapped shoulders. Mocking him and his expression. Before Cas could get himself up a fourth man straddled his hips and knelt down over him. He fisted the front of Castiel’s shirt, tugging him up from the ground a bit. “You don’t listen well.” He loomed over him threateningly. 

“Fuck off!” Cas barked back; his retort was met with more mocking laughter and scattered “ooohs” and “aaahs.” Another guy called him a tough guy and said they were tired of being disrespected by him. Cas braced himself to be hit--

--------

“Maggie?” John called out from the kitchen. 

"Yeah babe?" she looked towards the doorway.

"Hey did you talk to Cas tonight?" John asked.

"Hmm?" she feigned innocence.

"Castiel called, about twenty minutes ago- did you talk to him?" he held up his phone and watched her fidget nervously.

"Oh.. yeah… yeah, he uh, he called after the telemarketer and I told him you were busy and—"

"You told him I was busy?" John quirked his head to the side with a breathy laugh, trying to hold back growing resentment.

"John, we were watching a movie."

"Yeah but Maggie, it’s Cas, he--,"

"And I’m your fiancé!" she snapped, her eyes beaming angrily at John.

"Well he’s my best friend!"John shouted back.

"No, he’s your fuck buddy— you think I don’t know that you and him hook up?!" She accused him angrily, but he couldn’t deny it. “Cas is a train wreck- a fucking walking disaster waiting to happen John and you just keep sneaking around with him!"

"Maggie it’s not.."

"It’s not like that?” She laughed bitterly. “This is down to the wire John... it's me or him you don't get us both. Do you understand that?" she jabbed a finger against his chest and watched his eyes.

John dialed Cas' number and listened to it ring and ring..... and ring. He dialed again- then again- and one more time. “Pick up the phone Cas, pick up the damn phone!” He pleaded softly into the receiver as Maggie slammed the door so hard behind him the entire foundation practically rattled. “Pick up Cas, pick up please… fuck!” He sat in the car, thumping his head against the steering wheel. 

----------

Cas crawled his way across the pavement, his scraped up fingers raw and bleeding as they slid over the phone screen displaying a picture of Annie holding up a bright yellow star— “Cas it’s been like 45 minutes where are you?” She immediately launched in on her spiel when she heard the line pick up. She could hear noise- but couldn’t make much sense of it all. “Cas? Helloooo? Cas answer me this isn't funny are you coming back yet or do I need to come bail you out.” She asked again. 

Cas spit blood and tried to get the phone close to his mouth, but they pinned him down face first against the pavement again— she heard swearing and laughter and then Cas screaming for help- the color washed out of her face instantly. 

------------------

“Hello?” John answered, his face pressed against the steering wheel half asleep when his phone rang. He didn't have much time to get himself together before Annie started talking.

“John, Cas is in trouble, somethings wrong- he’s, I called him and there there were all these voices and it sounded like fighting and—."

“Woah woah, Annie slow down, calm down what’s going on where’s Cas?"

“I don’t know— Grant Avenue I think. I told him to stop going down there but he never listens, god this is all my fault I should've just called you for him..." she broke down a little before continuing. "He’s in trouble I called him and he picked up the phone but there were a ton of other voices and then he just started screaming for help and the call dropped-“ she explained through panic and tears. “He— he was going to Grant Avenue I told him not to, he said he'd go to Wiggins instead but he’s been gone for more than an hour- John, I don’t know what to do!” she rambled on as John sped down into the city.

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By the time John got down to Grant Avenue there was hardly anyone on the streets. He drove around slowly; peering down alleyways and checking storefronts, but there was no sign of Cas anywhere. He parked in front of the pharmacy and got out to head down by the pier. That’s when he spotted him. 

He was shoved between another building and the dumpster bins, with his knees pulled up close to his chest and his head down- arms wrapped tight around himself like a cocoon. It made him think back to the time Cas called him a Petri dish in college and how he’d come back to find Cas hidden under the bed. 

He could smell blood before he saw any; but the closer he got the worse he knew things were. He reached out to him; “Castiel?” He touched his knee and Cas suddenly unleashed a string of swears while kicking at him to get away from him. 

“Don’t touch me- don’t fucking touch me; get off- go away! Don’t touch me!” He wedged himself further back into the dark and John drew his hand back immediately to try and call him down and figure out what had happened.

By the time John got them out of the city back to Annie's, Annie was pacing frantically on the front stoop for them.

Cas hadn’t spoken a single word once John had managed to coax him out from behind his wall of safety; but he could tell that things weren’t good. It was made that much worse when Cas refused to let a John touch him or even help him get to the car; he was skittish and cagey and flinched at every little movement John made beside him. And when he’d told Cas they were going to the hospital Cas had tried to get out of the moving car; thrown into a frenzied attempt at escape. John had wrangled him back into the car and kept his finger on the lock button so Cas couldn’t try it again.

Annie raced down the front stoop, throwing Castiel's door open and yanking him out, pulling him into a hug, trying to check him over and not being the least bit careful with all the cuts and scrapes he had.

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After a half hour Annie came out from the back bedroom back to the kitchen where John was still sitting, stirring his spoon in a mug of coffee and staring at a text screen full of berating messages from Maggie begging for him back and then calling him all sorts of horrible names and accusing him of the worst.

Annie pulled her seat out, but didn't sit. She licked her lips and then rested a hand on John's arm. "I think you should talk to Cas... he'll.... he'll listen to you." she insisted, and even though John didn't believe her he nodded and got up making his way to the room where Cas was.

When John nudged the door open and knocked softly to announce his entering Cas didn't look up from the bandages over his knuckles. “Go away…" he said softly instead.

"Cas." John tried to change his mind.

"Go away." Cas repeated with a shaky breath.

"No… no that’s not fair; you don’t get to just tell me to go away, not after tonight! Not after what just happened to you, not after I came and found you!" John yelled.

"I didn’t ask you to find me- I didn’t ask for your help!" Cas shouted back.

"Why not?!" John yelled angrily, his eyes darkening and hands balling into fists. "Why didn't you call me for help, why didn't you listen, why do you never listen, Castiel?!" John questioned him furiously.

Castiel’s eyes watered and he blinked the tears away. But his eyes were bloodshot and puffy; there were three deep cuts on his face and a bunch of road rash all over his back and shoulders and even along his chest and collarbone. His knuckles were bloody and bruised along with the rest of him and John didn’t know what else to do other than sit beside him. Cas wouldn’t talk to him, he wouldn’t even look at him. He just sat there staring at a cut on the back of his hand or the floor. 

"Why are you mad at me?! What was I supposed to do, Cas, leave you there to die, huh? Look at me!” He grabbed Castiel's chin and turned him to look at him- ignoring how Castiel fought against him. “You have to tell me what happened you have to tell me who did this to you!” He softened his tone, brushing sticky strands of hair from his dirty face. “Don’t make me lose you… please.” 

"Do you hate me?" Castiel’s lips trembled slightly and heavy tears slid down his cheeks at his question.

"What?" John asked in disbelief.

"Maggie said you hate me. Sh-she said-."

"Hey," John slid off the bed, pressing himself between Castiel's knees and looking up face Castiel, trying his best to avoid making him flinch, John cupped his face in both hands. “I love you, whatever Maggie told you it was a lie, I love you,” he pushed wet, messy hair from Castiel's face.