#trustthyself

.. if I desire I can realize my dream to work from anywhere in the world and generate $6k - $20k a month. In exchange for 4 hours of my day, 5 days a week, I would need to drive with the same dedication, commitment and persistency of any job I have worked in the past. Its not complicated, but it demands the same dispassionate commitment to a practice day in and day out. This unique opportunity would enables me to replace the I income I left more than ~2 years ago.. never believing I could replace it without be chained to another corporate master. Still a slave to those hours and days, all else would remain within my control. Seeming like the opportunity I have been searching for, regardless of what occurs within my personal and self determining investment (TMUS), I must detach myself from that outcome and detach myself from the income. I must try. I must experiance. Its the only way I can know what can happen. Its not enough to observe. I must feel to know.

To feel is to experiance a truth within. Its the only way I understand the world. To be a man OF the world, I must walk WITHIN the world. Take the risks. Experience the place(s). Touch the people. Live within the community. Work the cause. This is living. This is the only valuable way I know how to be in the world.

I remain slightly confused as to exactly what I am doing with TMUS? Taking an action to experiance a very deep life commitment with very real life implications, believing it displays a level of belief in my heart(feeling)/self. Preparing to blame “the world” if it does not work out as I want it to. When in reality, all  a negative outcome signals is whether or not I can trust my heart. Or, more accurately, if i can trust my mind to accurately interpret my heart. 

I am testing myself to learn something about myself. I am placing an enormous weight on the outcome of my actions so I will know this lesson well. I experience this lesson every single day and have been since January. I want to believe that after two years, everything IS different. That I am different. I want to believe that I can rely on something other than my mind(thinking)/self to be successful in the world. At one time I wanted that to be Amanda, but I didn’t trust myself enough. And now that I have crossed through that dessert of time I am seeking to cross the vast emptiness of the worlds dessert. To win the worlds trust. To continue my learning I must stay vulnerable and experiance the reality of my relationship with the world, requiring a deeper and deeper opening and I am scared. I know that the world can and has been feeling all that I am trying to do. My vulnerability. My opening. And I am a so very scared of being totally rejected and left alone filled with my personal doubt.

I am afraid to go back to where I started, but where else would I go? I would start over. Start again. I will return different. I will return changed. I just don’t know where else I could go. Where else I would trust myself to be ‘pulled’ to go. I don’t want to feel so alone in the world anymore.

I want to be in love with the world. First I must learn to trust the world. I must be trust worthy in the yes of the world and I must trust in the world myself. The same trust that brought me closer to myself will bring me closer to the world. Through submission of my person, I will give all that I have to give - My time, my money, and my love.

I’ve created for myself a new faith and Ive been baptized by its fire. My meditations are immersed in experiance and my faith is no different. I control what I think, believe, and value. I control my actions and reactions. And in turn, my experience is the direct result of my collective actions and the worlds reactions. Together, we are literally experiencing the creation of our heaven on earth.. from the heaven within. Inside out. And its worth all that I have to give. What I contribute comes from within, and thats what TMUS represents.

A choice in trusting myself/heart (feeling) and having faith that it's outcome is the best and right creation for me and my relationship with the world, regardless if myself/mind (thinking) can understand it or not. My self acceptance, trust and actions are the greatest gift I can give to myself and the world. Through my experiences and my personal philanthropy I will give myself completely.