Talk about traps is a little overdone. You hear people tell you not to take certain spells because they're suboptimal or only work for very specific character types and play styles.

This is not that kind of post.

The following spells are spells that no one in their right mind should take. They are either non-functional, barely functional, or significantly worse than other spells of the same spell level (and sometimes lower).

So far, I've only found three of them: create bonfire, distort value, and true strike. If you know of any others (or would like to contest my analysis of create bonfire or distort value; true strike's suckitude is noteworthy enough to have a video about it [but see the description below]), let me know.

For this week’s stalling tactic: it’s all in the title! A bunch of loot-filler I came up with that I guess no one ever found, probably because I don’t prompt my players to look for loot because it’s a blessing when you don’t have loot goblins.

I’m sorry, it’s been a long day so that sentence turned into like three other sentences.

Some of these names really suck. And a few of the descriptions are still kinda written in caveman too; because I am human, therefore I’m lazy. Also there’s a lot of life things happening right now, but no one likes excuses so I won’t tell you what those things are. TL;DR: I might rehash/rerelease these later.

Hope you like em! Version with images coming soon!

Box of Darkness

Wondrous item, uncommon

You can open the box with an action. This action requires two hands. The box releases a cloud of magical darkness that behaves as the darkness spell, except the sphere is always centered on the box, and there is no time limit. You don’t need to continue holding the box for this effect to continue, allowing you to drop it strategically. Keep in mind, this means there is nothing preventing the opposition from swiping the box for themselves.

An enemy may try to shut the box as an action. If you aren’t holding the box, they must succeed on a DC 20 Investigation check to feel around for the box. If you are holding the box, they can either make an attack roll or Investigation check to find you and the box; either roll must match or exceed your AC, like a normal attack. THEN, you and the enemy compete with Athletics (to maintain grip on the box or force it open) or Sleight of Hand (to dodge with your hands) checks. If the enemy beats your check, the box is closed.

Candle of Protection

Wondrous item, uncommon

While you hold this candle and the candle is lit, you gain +5 magic AC. The candle can be extinguished through mundane/non-magic means (water, running too fast, blowing on it, wind, smothering the flame, dropping the candle, etc.). Adjacent enemies can use a bonus action to blow out the candle, by rolling a DEX attack versus your current AC. Relighting the candle takes an action. If the candle was put out with water or earth, you must take an additional bonus action to remove any fire-retardant agents from the candle. Can be used for a total of 600 rounds (1 hour) before the candle is spent.

Corrosive Crowbar

Weapon (crowbar), common

Comes with 4 charges, regains 1d4 charges at dawn. +1 bludgeoning weapon. On a successful attack, you can spend 1 charge to deal an additional 4d4 acid damage. On spending the last charge, roll a d20. On a 1, the crowbar dissolves into a puddle of goop.

Can also be used as a crowbar, of course. When making a check to pry something open (or any other normal crowbar action), you can spend a charge to activate the crowbar's magic properties. Add a d4 to the check. Keep in mind, using corrosive crowbars in this way will leave obvious acid burns/signs of melting.

Flute of Monster Detection

Wondrous item, common

You play a ditty on this flute. If there is a fey, celestial, or elemental within 300 ft, the echo returns a beautiful harmony. On the other hand, if there is a fiend, undead, or aberration within 300 ft, the echo is discordant, a sour reflection of the original melody. If there is a combination of these types of creatures within 300 ft, the flute won’t produce sound no matter how hard you blow. Unlike detect evil and good, this doesn’t tell you the direction of the creature or its exact type.

Glowing Backpack

Wondrous item, common

Speak a command word as an action, and this backpack gives off a soft glow (color of your choice), providing dim light for a 40 ft radius.

Homing Star

Weapon (morning star), uncommon

3 charges of true strike a day. You can use the charges and attack in the same turn. Doesn’t require concentration.

Message Scarab

Wondrous item, uncommon

A golden bejeweled scarab with 3 charges of animal messenger. Returns back to you after every casting. Regains 1 charge at dawn. Requires a long rest's worth of bonding to establish yourself as the scarab's owner, but this doesn’t use an attunement slot.

Mirror of the Evil Twin

Wondrous item, rare

You can use a bonus action to look in the mirror. The last thing you see before blacking out for the duration is your reflection, wearing a warped smile.

Your proficiency bonus doubles for the duration. This applies to skill checks, attacks, spells, and saving throws.

Your alignment becomes evil upon using this item. Example: if you are Lawful Good, you become Lawful Evil. If you are already evil, you become Chaotic Evil.

If you are already chaotic evil, the mirror cracks and blackens, becoming useless the first time you try to use it. Somewhere on your current plane, a shadowy fiend version of you is born. This double’s life mission is to hunt you down, brutally slay you, and take your place. Like a revenant, they know your general direction at all times.

This effect lasts for an hour. After this hour, you come to with no memory of your behavior while using the mirror.

Northerner's Gaff

Weapon (spear), uncommon

An oversized pike with a frosty blue hook. Requires attunement. Same statistics as a spear, deals additional 1d8 cold damage. While attuned to this item, your Strength ability score can’t be reduced below 11.

Scepter of Captured Light

Wondrous item, common

A device resembling a lantern affixed to the end of a shaft about the size of an axehandle. Casts light at will, centered on the lantern end. Bonus action to light or douse. Works in all conditions except magical darkness, even underwater. Provides no heat.

Scholarly Skull

Wondrous item, uncommon

Three times a day, you can ask this crystal skull to translate any written or spoken message you can't understand. It will repeat the translation back to you in your native tongue; but its voice is very loud and harsh, and its tone is snarky.

Warding Chimes

Wondrous item, uncommon

Warding chimes have 7 charges. When you use a charge as an action, all friendly creatures within a 10 ft radius (self included) are affected per the spell protection from evil and good. Each expended charge increases this aura by 10 ft, to a maximum of 30. This aura lasts up to a minute. You must use a free hand to keep the chimes aloft; you may not take an action that requires two hands; if you want to take a one-handed action and your other hand is occupied, you can either stow the item as a bonus action, or drop it as a free action. The second you drop the activated chimes or they're otherwise silenced, the effects dissipate and those charges are burnt. The chimes regain 1d6 + 1 charges at dawn.

Weapon Eater

Armor (shield), uncommon