#trevyan

Something was off in Ryan’s tone, in the too straight line of his back. Trevor narrowed his eyes, stepping to the side. Ryan’s hand dropped and curled into a fist, his shoulders tense. There was something else going on.

“Why? Got something to hide?”

Trevor said it lightly, like a joke, but Ryan flinched back. Trevor watched him, his stomach churning. So there was something Ryan was keeping from him. Ray’s words whirled through his head, and Trevor couldn’t shake the impending sense of doom. He trusted Ryan. He did, but-

He promised to wait.

Ryan’s face remained blank for two heartbeats, three, before he cracked, the corners of his mouth turning down. His arms rose as if he was about to cross them defensively before Ryan paused. With a sharp exhale he forced them to hang loose by his sides, fingers curling into fists, and met Trevor’s eyes.

“I… Neither Ray nor I are blameless for our relationship falling apart. I’ve done some things I’d rather not you know.”

It was Trevor’s turn to reach out, grabbing Ryan’s hands and carefully unfurling his fingers from their tight clench.

“I… I can’t promise not to judge,” he admitted to Ryan’s hands, smoothing his thumb over the nail indents on his palm. “Ray’s told me just enough that it’s too late for that. But… But I don’t want to doubt you. Not without hearing your side of how things went.”

“You will,” Ryan said, voice tight and helpless. “If you hear.”

“Well, then.” Trevor looked up and stared into Ryan’s blue, blue eyes, seeing the conflict there. “Guess we’ll have some more things to talk about, after.”

Ryan cracked a smile, the implicit promise seeming to reassure him judging by the way the tension bled out of his shoulders.

“Alright.” Ryan leaned forward, pressing their foreheads together. “I’m not sure I’m ready, either,” he confessed in the tiny space between them.

“Are we ever?” Trevor smiled and pecked his lips in a quicksilver kiss. “Come on, let’s go.”

Ray was waiting for them on the couch where Trevor left him, blankets pulled tight around his shoulders and knees tucked into his chest. He looked small, smaller than usual even. Of course, Trevor had taken note before that Ray was shorter than him and Ryan, but like this he looked… too small. Vulnerable.

Trevor dropped down beside him, jostling Ray accidentally on purpose. Then he arched an eyebrow at Ryan and patted the free space on his other side. Ryan sighed but obliged, sitting down with one leg folded under him and back to the armrest, putting some space between them, or perhaps making sure to face them head on. Trevor cocked his head in question, but Ryan shook his surreptitiously, and Trevor let it drop.

“Alright!” Trevor clapped his hands, lips pulling up into a fake grin. “Who wants to go first?”

Ray and Ryan exchanged a look, both keeping their faces carefully blank. Trevor looked between them, arching his brows expectantly. Ryan grit his teeth and turned his face away.

“I’m not-” He shook his head. “I don’t know where to begin.”

“Typically, you start in the beginning,” Trevor teased, keeping his voice light and free of judgement. He glanced at Ray and tilted his head. “Or in this case… where it fell apart?”

“Three years ago,” Ray answered immediately. “Things- things were bad.” He wrapped his arms around his knees and stared at his lap as he spoke. “There was a gang war going on. I was stressed, and things between Ryan and I-” He glanced up at Ryan at that and swallowed hard. “-weren’t going too well. I- I coped. With drugs.”

Ryan scoffed. “You overdosed. More than once,” he pointed out, tone sharp and angry and tinged with hurt. “You couldn’t hold up conversations for more than a minute, and sometimes you didn’t even remember what we talked about.”

Ray raised his head and met Ryan’s gaze squarely. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

Ryan sat, stiff and frozen, staring back at Ray. Then he jerked his head in an approximation of a nod. Ray dropped his gaze again, pressing his forehead against his thighs.

“I thought… I guess I didn’t think. It worked, until it didn’t.” His voice was muffled from where he was speaking into his lap. He lifted his head back up, but didn’t raise his gaze as he cleared his throat. “Until Ryan confronted me and gave me an ultimatum.”

“The drugs or me,” Ryan filled in for Trevor’s benefit. Ray grimaced.

“I didn’t want to lose either. I… didn’t really know how to live without. Ryan, or the drugs.” Ray’s mouth twisted into something resembling a smile. “I caved. Once the gang war was over, we found me a rehab center just North of San Andreas.”

Trevor glanced between Ryan and Ray, taking in their hurt expressions. He had an inkling where this was going, but… It was helping, he hoped, to talk it out.

“It didn’t stick.” A self-deprecating note entered Ray’s smile. “I held out for two weeks before signing myself out. Ended up wandering, taking jobs on the East Coast. I came home after two months for a weekend. Ryan… Ryan was so happy about my progress. I couldn’t tell him.”

“No.” Ryan crossed his arms and glared. “Instead you lied to me.”

“I thought you were better off, not knowing,” Ray tried to explain, his expression earnest. “Not knowing what a failure it was. And… it didn’t seem to make a difference. Like you couldn’t tell I was still using. I tried to keep to things that weren’t obvious during my visits - only smoked up on the roof, showered afterwards, stuff like that. I thought it was a good enough compromise.”

“You assumed,” Trevor interjected, keeping his voice gentle. Ray glanced up, a question in his eyes. Instead of answering, Trevor turned to Ryan, reaching out to entangle their hands, tugging him out of his defensive position. “You’ve said before, you always assumed what Ray felt, what Ray wanted. You never really talked about it.”

“Never thought we needed to,” Ryan admitted in a small voice. He met Ray’s surprised stare. “Neither of us is good at… talking. About feelings.” Trevor squeezed his hand, and Ryan squeezed back. “I learned, eventually. Trevor had to keep reminding me he wasn’t, quote, a goddamn mind-reader.”

Ray’s lips twitched up, and his surprise turned thoughtful.

“I guess we never did really talk about… about what we wanted from thi- from what we had.”

Silence hung heavy over them as no one quite dared to point out Ray’s slip. Ryan was holding tight to Trevor’s hand, but his expression seemed less strained as he mustered Ray in quiet contemplation. Trevor turned to look at the smaller man, shoulders slumped and chin resting on top of his knees as he stared unseeing at the coffee table. Thinking about what could have been, maybe.

Trevor cleared his throat once the silence became awkward. They couldn’t leave it on that note if they wanted to solve anything. So Trevor pushed on, careful and persistent.

“So, you came back after two months and pretended everything was alright. And then?”

“Kept pretending, I guess.” Ray shrugged, a rueful expression stealing over his face. He glanced up from the corners of his eyes, gaze flickering from Ryan to Trevor. “Managed to keep it from him for almost seven months. But… it was hard, staying away. I started coming home more often- just a weekend here and there, but… I guess that gave it away?”

“I grew suspicious,” Ryan agreed, nodding once, terse. “I tried calling the clinic, but they didn’t hand out information about patients unless you were on their list of trusted contacts.” He paused, trying to catch Ray’s eyes, who dropped his gaze to the floor. “Except… I was Ray’s contact. When he signed in.”

“I had it changed to Gavin,” Ray admitted, voice barely a whisper. “When I left.”

“So they wouldn’t tell me you weren’t part of the program anymore?” Ryan asked bitterly. Ray shook his head, nodded, then shook it again.

“I don’t know. I just thought…” He dragged his fingers through his hair. “I didn’t really think straight, back then.” He turned his face to meet Ryan’s eyes carefully, lips quirking up as he admitted, “I was kind of a mess.”

Ryan snorted, but he slumped back against the couch, shoulder bumping into Trevor’s. “A bit,” he agreed in a dry tone.

“Right.” Trevor glanced between them, leaning his weight against Ryan to show his support. “And I guess you figured it out?”

Both of them grimaced at the same time. It’d be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

“I did. I searched through Ray’s things, to get proof.” He shot a quick glance over to Ray, who was staring at the door to the bedroom with an indecipherable expression. “Ray caught me just as I found the drugs he’d hidden in his duffle.”

“We fought. I was furious.” Trevor tilted his head and nailed Ray with a look, who glanced back at him and huffed, elaborating, “At being caught out. At Ryan for looking, for ignoring my privacy. But mostly… at myself for getting into that mess. I felt guilty and afraid, but anger was… easier.”

“I was angry, too,” Ryan jumped in, without needing a nudge from Trevor. His face showed none of the anger he spoke of, only a lingering regret. “I felt betrayed, and like a fool for believing your lies. I knew something was off, but I attributed it to recovery being hard. I did the research, I knew it would take time for things to get better, and we fought less, so I thought that was progress enough, and the rest would fall into place…”

“I thought you didn’t notice any difference, so it didn’t matter whether or not I took drugs,” Ray confessed, mouth quirking up in reluctant mirth. “I thought I was so clever, and you were clearly wrong for pushing your ultimatum. That we just needed some distance to work.”

“I wanted it to work,” Ryan confided, meeting Ray’s startled gaze. “I wanted it so much I ignored all the signs pointing out otherwise. Until I couldn’t.”

“I wanted it, too. It’s why I lied,” Ray explained, the raw honesty in his face forcing Trevor to avert his gaze. It seemed too private a moment to intrude on. “Sometimes we hurt the people we love the most.”

That sounded like a quote, Trevor thought. He glanced up, not liking the look on Ryan’s face.

“And sometimes people just don’t work out, no matter how much they love each other.” He could feel Ray’s eyes on him, but he held Ryan’s gaze, wanting this to get through to him. “Maybe it’s the wrong time, or the wrong place. Maybe you’re the wrong version of you at the time that makes it… not work. Doesn’t mean your love is any less real, but…”

“Sometimes,” Ryan continued as Trevor trailed off, and his eyes flickered from Trevor’s to over his shoulder, meeting Ray’s, “You have to cut someone you love out of your life, because you’re hurting them and they’re hurting you.”

This time it was Ray who broke the heavy tension. Trevor was grateful, unsure what to say after all that.

“I realized I had to want to change. Before, I tried to change for Ryan, and it didn’t work because my heart wasn’t really in it. I wasn’t really convinced I needed to change.” A rueful smile played around Ray’s lips. “It’s something I talked over with my therapist a lot. Change. Becoming the person I wanted me to be.”

“Your therapist?” Ryan sounded as taken aback as Trevor first felt when the topic came up. It made Trevor feel validated in his response.

“At the clinic,” Ray confirmed, shooting him a quick sideways glance as if to gauge his reaction.

“You went back?”

“Yeah.” Ray sighed, shifting around so he sat on one leg, the other still raised to rest his chin on. “After, uh. After I came back the last time.”

“When was that?” Trevor asked curiously.

“About… hmm, two months after Ryan found out, I think.” Ray shrugged. “I travelled around, took some jobs on the side. Thought I’d give him some time to cool down, let things get back to normal.”

Now it was Ryan who was avoiding looking at them. Something itched at the back of Trevor’s mind, some sort of bullshit meter. He could sense Ryan’s discomfort increase with the topic.

“Let me guess, things didn’t go back to normal?”

“Not really.” Ray was looking helplessly at Ryan, who remained silent. “I, ah. Came back. We fought, and then we had sex. A lot.”

“A lot of fighting or a lot of sex?” Trevor half-joked, already suspecting the answer. Ray grinned back at him half-heartedly.

“Both.” He shook his head. “By the end of the week we… we had a really big fight. We still made up, like always, but… it felt wrong. Everything felt wrong. So once Ryan fell asleep I… snuck out.”

“I tried calling you,” Ryan said dully, and when Trevor looked back at him, a blank mask slipped over his face. “But you didn’t answer. You never did.”

“I couldn’t. That’s why I left you a letter,” Ray pointed out, but his voice was subdued. “I explained everything in there.”

Ryan shifted, his weight no longer pressed against Trevor’s side, and Trevor eyed him worriedly as the silence stretched. Finally, he reached out to poke him in the arm.

“Ryan?”

“I never read that letter.” At their uncomprehending stares, Ryan elaborated, the words solemn. “I woke up that morning to an empty bed, no sign of Ray anywhere. After… after everything- I couldn’t. It was a wake up call. I packed all of Ray’s things I could find into a box and had Gavin collect it. When I found your note and realized you’d left again…” Ryan hesitated, before meeting Ray’s eyes and announcing, “I burned it without reading.”

Ray’s eyes widened.

“You didn’t- I thought-” Ray closed his voice and pinched the bridge of his nose, his voice rough and raw. “That… that explains some things. I… I did wonder.”

Ryan swallowed. “Wondered what?”

“Wondered why after I went and did what you asked of me after all, why you would leave me at that point.” Ray opened his eyes and raised his chin. “Why you left me when I went back to rehab and kept my half of the promise. But you… you didn’t know.”

“I didn’t,” Ryan agreed, dropping his head. His shoulders shook. “I… Why didn’t Gavin say? He stayed in contact with you, right?”

“He did. And… I asked him not to,” Ray revealed, shoulders raising to his ears. “I… I was afraid. That I couldn’t do it. That I’d fail again, and… I didn’t want you to know, if I did. Or how much I struggled.” The look he levelled at Ryan was rather pointed. “Which I explained in the letter you never read.”

“Oh.” Ryan pressed his mouth into a thin line, frowning at his clasped hands in his lap. “I… I guess I’d given up on you, on us. So when Gavin refused to tell me…”

Trevor reached out, laying his hand on top of Ryan’s, but Ryan pulled back almost immediately. That stung, but Trevor knew this must be hard on Ryan, and if he needed some space, prefered it over comfort, then… he had to respect that.

“You made a mistake. It happens,” Trevor murmured. Ryan shook his head.

“That’s not- that’s not all,” he stuttered, dragging his hand through his hair, his fingers getting stuck in his hair tie. He ripped it out, wincing as he took several strands with him. “There’s… there’s something I need to tell you.”

Trevor stared at Ryan, heart sinking. He had a bad feeling about this. Ryan still wasn’t meeting his eyes, glancing somewhat helplessly at Ray instead.

“I…” Ryan tugged on the loose ends of his hair and licked his lips. “Why, uh, why don’t you tell him when you went back to rehab?”

“About two years ago,” Ray answered promptly, his burning gaze settling on Trevor’s neck, who kept staring at Ryan, stomach churning.

“When we started this-” Trevor gestured between their chest, indicating their early relationship. “-thing between us, you said you’d broken up with Ray almost a year ago.”

“I lied,” Ryan confessed, shifting to face Trevor. “Or… well, no, it was a lie. Mostly I lied to myself. Convinced myself that nothing after the ultimatum counted. That Ray chose the drugs over me, that I’d lost him that day. That everything that came after was a lie, didn’t count.”

Ray frowned at him. “We were still dating for at least the seven months after that, though.” His frown deepened. “Wait. Is this why everyone thinks we broke up three years ago?”

Ryan shrugged one shoulder, dropping his gaze to meet neither of their eyes. “I, uh, might have told it like that to everyone who asked. Trying to convince myself. As if I could make it true.”

Trevor swallowed, heart in his throat even as his stomach dropped. That… that wasn’t what he expected at all. He opened his mouth, but the words got stuck and he closed it without saying anything. Behind him, he felt Ray shift, and then a hand settled on his lower back, warm and supportive.

Finally, Ryan glanced up and grimaced.

“I didn’t want you to be just a rebound.”

“But I was,” Trevor mumbled, his lips feeling numb. So did his hands, and his chest, his legs- Ryan’s nose scrunched up, and he raised his shoulders in an uncertain shrug. “Wasn’t I?”

“We never broke up, officially. But…” Ryan’s shoulders slumped, and he sought Ray’s gaze and held it. “After I found out, and you left… I tried calling you, and you didn’t answer, didn’t call back. I didn’t expect you to come back, then. And when you did… but then you left again-”

Trevor felt Ray stiffen behind him, his hand dropping away. He glanced over his shoulder to see his eyes narrowed, gaze piercing.

“You were fucking before you were dating,” Ray stated more than asked. “Weren’t you? How long ago?”

“Our two year anniversary was over a month ago,” Trevor replied, his voice distant to his own ears over the rushing of adrenaline. “Danced around each other a couple months before that.”

“I didn’t think you’d come back,” Ryan defended himself, eyes imploring and resigned at the same time. “I thought we were over and done.”

The pieces of the puzzle fell together before him, and Trevor couldn’t say how he felt about this new revelation.

“Ray came back after we already slept together.”

“It wasn’t cheating.” Ryan tipped his head back and stared up at the ceiling. Trevor leaned back, and Ray pressed up against him. “We weren’t… there wasn’t any commitment, not then. Just a tumble, or two, and it was fun and new, but then Ray showed up on my door, and I- I missed him, I couldn’t say no-”

Ryan cut himself off, hunching in on himself. Thoughts swirled through Trevor’s head, too fast and insubstantial to grasp. His stomach turned over, nausea rising, and he reached back, nails digging into the blanket, and possibly into Ray’s thigh below. Everything shifted, like someone laid a colour filter over the world, leaving it looking so familiar but off.

Ray hooked his chin over Trevor’s shoulder, a contemplative look on his face.

“And once you started dating, you didn’t tell him, afraid to ruin things,” he guessed, the first thing that made sense. Perhaps it shouldn’t come as a surprise that Ray knew Ryan quite well. “And then it was too late, never the right time to bring it up, and why bring it up if I wasn’t coming back? Who would tell?”

“No one,” Trevor rasped, and immediately two intent pairs of eyes pinned him in place. Trevor cleared his throat. “I- I can’t say that I like hearing it. Why didn’t you tell me?” A pause, and he jumped from this conclusion to another. “Is that why you never wanted to talk about what happened with Ray?”

“I was afraid it’d come up,” Ryan agreed. His arms wrapped around himself, staring down at his socked feet. “I was afraid if you knew… if you thought of yourself as just a rebound, or, or a replacement you wouldn’t… you wouldn’t want to stay.”

“Shouldn’t that be my choice?” Trevor snapped, his grip on Ray’s leg tightening. “You didn’t… you didn’t trust me. I don’t care about-” He stopped himself, took a deep breath. “Well, that’s a lie. I do kinda care, but I can get over that part. No. What hurts is that you didn’t tell me.”

“That’s not- That’s not why-” Ryan looked stricken. “I trust you. I do. With everything- my life, my heart.”

“That’s not what it feels like, right now,” Trevor whispered, and it was his turn to avert his eyes. He wished he hadn’t cleared the dishes away yet, itching for something to do, to take him out of the room for just a couple seconds. He sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face.

“What a mess.” Ray chuckled, sounding a mix of amused and pained. The vibrations pulsed along Trevor’s back. It felt reassuring, a bit, to be reminded he wasn’t the only one hurt in this situation. “I’m kinda glad. At least I’m not the only one who fucked up.”

A lull fell over their conversation, a muffled kind of stillness as no one knew how to respond. Trevor closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to get his churning emotions back under control. He had expected this to be difficult for Ryan and Ray, like lancing a wound. Unpleasant, but necessary to heal. He hadn’t expected to be this involved.

Trevor opened his eyes and met Ryan’s deep blue, saw the pain reflected there. Ryan opened his mouth, closed it, then tried again, finally breaking the silence.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Ryan sounded so miserable, Trevor couldn’t help but reach out to him, grabbing his hand and squeezing. He sighed, catching Ryan’s eyes to shoot him a tentative smile.

“I can’t promise you this won’t change things, but…” Trevor entangled their fingers. “I want you. Want us. We’ll figure something out.”

“Yeah?” Ryan smiled back, small and fragile. Trevor nodded, leaning forward and dislodging Ray. He pressed his lips to the corner of Ryan’s mouth, closing his eyes. He still didn’t know what to think… but he knew what he wanted.

“I hope so,” Ray chimed in, and they turned to look at him. He gave them a genuine grin. “You two are good for each other. I think I’ve stalked you enough to know that much.”

Trevor grinned back, amused by Ray trying to lighten the mood. That was something he could get used to, he thought, bantering with Ray. Ryan, however, froze.

“Stalked?” he echoed, frowning at Ray. “What stalking?”

“Ah…” Trevor sat back slowly, making sure to put his back to the couch so he could see both of them. He’d forgotten. The reminder put things into perspective, because hadn’t he kept that secret too to avoid hurting Ryan?

“Dude.” Ray stared at him, disbelief written over his face. “You didn’t tell him?”

“It, uh, didn’t seem important. To worry him.”

“Uh huh.” Ray gave him a dry look, clearly not buying it. Honestly, the sass.

“Didn’t tell me what?” Ryan asked, eyes narrowing at Trevor, who fidgeted with his sleeves.

“I’ve been stalking your boyfriend ever since our last talk blew up. Convinced myself if I could figure out why you chose him, I’d have a chance to win you back.” Ray shrugged, adding flippantly, “I might’ve been a bit jealous.”

Ryan’s brow furrowed as he digested that, trying to put the pieces together. He turned a questioning look to Trevor. “And you knew about it?”

“I, uh, caught him at it.” He fiddled with a loose seam, tugging and making it worse. “In the name of fairness, I should probably come clean about everything that, ah, happened between us.”

“Trevor.” A sort of wondering astonishment colouring the way Ray said his name. “Trevor, I shot at you, and you didn’t just keep it from Geoff, but from Ryan, too?”

“You shot him!?” Ryan went from sad puppy to glaring at Ray so fast, it had to give him emotional whiplash. Trevor was certainly feeling it by now.

“A warning shot!” Trevor defended Ray before the other could so much as open his mouth. “He missed me by a good inch. If he wanted to hit me, he would have.”

“I don’t think that sounds as reassuring as you think, dude,” Ray threw in, and that was clear amusement in his voice. Trevor elbowed him in the side in retaliation. “I was surprised you didn’t tell Geoff and have me thrown out of the crew. I thought you wanted me out of the picture.”

“I wanted Ryan to stop hurting. You were reminding him of the past, and not in a good way. For the most part.” Trevor huffed and kicked his legs. “So yeah, I wanted you gone as fast as possible.”

“Then why didn’t you? Get rid of me?”

Trevor squirmed in his seat, accidentally bumping shoulders with Ray. He didn’t want Ryan to know, to be disappointed or mad at him. He recognized that it was a bit hypocritical, considering Ryan had just shared his own secret, and that should make it easier, perhaps, but it actually made it harder. Their relationship was already in question, and they’d have to talk about that later without Ray, clear the air- Trevor didn’t want to add to that.

“I, ah, didn’t want to tell them. And they would’ve asked. Why you shot at me.” He fiddled with the loose seam, twirling it around his finger. “I’d have to tell them how I… provoked you.”

“Trevor.” A sharp inhale, and Trevor’s gaze flicked back to Ryan, who took his moment of preoccupation to gather himself. “Tell me what?”

Trevor grimaced. “You’re not the only one who made mistakes.”

He held Ryan’s stare, scrambling for words while the silence lingered, aware of Ray’s burning gaze on the back of his neck. Ryan arched a brow, demanding an answer, and Trevor swallowed because… because he owed him that much, even if he was unsure how to break it to him gently.

“Bit over a week ago,” he started, dropping his gaze to his hands, fingers twisting around each other uselessly. “You came home on laundry day and I was… waiting for you.”

Ryan’s eyes flickered past him, taking in Ray’s face, before coming to rest on Trevor’s face once more. He remained silent, though Trevor thought he already knew where this was leading. His expression didn’t give anything away.

“I, uh. May have caught on to Ray watching. Me. Before you came home.” Trevor shook his head, feeling heat crawl up his face and neck. “I should’ve told you. Instead I- I stripped. I seduced you, knowing Ray was watching, knowing you didn’t know.”

“You always had an exhibitionist streak.” Ryan’s voice was steady, devoid of emotion. On his other side, Ray made a surprised noise, watching them with renewed interest.

“It wasn’t fair to you.” Trevor steeled himself for Ryan’s reaction, eyes flickering over Ryan’s face, but it remained expressionless. “You can’t consent to a scene you don’t know about, and I didn’t think to ask you until after.”

The shame was a burning hot ember behind his ribs, pulsing with regret and embarrassment. He knew Ryan’s stance on public sex, and the fact that they were being watched in their own home didn’t change that he’d happily mislead Ryan just to scratch that itch to one up Ray. His poor impulse control ended in Ryan’s humiliation, and Trevor had only cared for his own gratification, the knowledge that Ryan was his, not Ray’s.

“In hindsight, I think I might’ve been jealous, too. Just a bit.”

Ryan sighed, hiding his face in his hands. Trevor reached out to him tentatively, brushing his fingers down his arm, lingering on his elbow before dropping his hand.

“If it’s any help,” Ray piped up, and Ryan spread his fingers just enough to peek through them, “it was incredibly hot. What I saw.” Ray paused as Ryan groaned, dropping his head to his knees and dragging his fingers through his loose hair. “I didn’t stay to watch long.”

“Long enough it pissed you off to be reminded of it, though,” Ryan muttered, voice muffled by his knees. Trevor blushed, dropping his hands in his lap.

“To be fair to all of us, it wouldn’t have taken much,” Ray mused, and Trevor appreciated the support, unexpected as it was. Then Ray sighed. “But, yeah. Long enough to see what was going on.”

“I don’t-” The words cut off with a gurgle, and Ryan lifted his head, if not quite looking either of them in the eye. “This is too much. All at once. I need time.”

Trevor hunched in on himself, pulling his knees up. “I understand,” he murmured, and he did. Hell, he could use some time to think everything over himself! He just-

Ryan’s hand on his knee surprised him out of his spiralling thoughts. He looked up at him from under his lashes, and finally emotions showed on Ryan’s face, a blend of discomfort, humiliation, but also a helpless sort of love, an exasperated fondness.

“I’m not breaking up with you,” he said, and he sounded resolute. Trevor opened his mouth, but Ryan slapped his hand over it, silencing him. “I’m not. Like you said, I know what I want. You. We’ll figure it out.” Trevor couldn’t resist, he licked his palm. Ryan grimaced and pulled his hand back. “But not now.”

“We all could use a break,” Ray agreed, bumping their shoulders together. Trevor wondered how they’d gone from stalking to this, and he knew, he was there, but it still seemed unbelievable to him.

“Yeah. I guess we could.”

***

Ryan entered the kitchen to find Trevor busy at work, a tray of cookies already in the oven and dough for more in a bowl, waiting for the first batch to finish. He crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame, watching Trevor wash up. Flour was smeared across one cheek, and before he could overthink it, he reached out and brushed it away. His fingers lingered, and their eyes met. Ryan let his hand drop, awkward like he hadn’t been with Trevor in a long time.

“You got something,” Ryan mumbled, gesturing at his own cheek, “there.”

Trevor reached up, touching his cheek with wet fingers. He startled, glancing at his hand dripping water, and grabbed the dish towel to wipe them.

Ryan watched, fondness twisting around guilt in his chest.

“Can we- I-” Ryan swallowed, scrubbing a hand over his face. Hid his expression while he struggled for words. “Did… Did Ray say where he- when he’s back?”

“Dunno.” Trevor shrugged, tossing the towel on the counter. “He was gone when I woke up.”

Ryan’s heart sunk.

It wasn’t unexpected, exactly. Ray was well enough now to take care of himself, and they’d all split up after their talk to brood. Perhaps it was more surprising that Ray had returned to spent one more night on their couch, but Ryan had taken it as a good sign, had started to hope. Now he was just reminded of all the times Ray left without a word.

Of the times he left Ryan thinking he wouldn’t come back.

Trevor glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, untying his apron and pulling it off. He pretended to busy himself folding it into a smaller and smaller square, his tone faux casual as he spoke up.

“He took the key, you know.”

Ryan’s head snapped up, heart fluttering in his chest. He cleared his throat, trying (and failing) to match Trevor’s nonchalance.

“What key?”

Trevor shot him an unimpressed look. “The one to our apartment you left on the table totally accidentally on purpose.”

“Ah,” Ryan said weakly. “That key.”

“Yeah, that key.” Trevor sounded dry and amused. “Clearly I’m not the only one who noticed because Ray took it with him when he left.”

Ryan dropped his gaze, wrapping his arms around himself. At the time it seemed like a good idea, returning the key Ray had held on to for years. A gesture of goodwill, an invitation. “Sorry. I should have cleared it with you, first.”

But Trevor waved him off, turning around and leaning against the counter. “It’s fine.”

It really wasn’t, Ryan thought, eyeing Trevor’s hunched shoulders. Perhaps not the key and the permission it implied, because if it really bothered Trevor he would have said something, or vanished the key himself. And Trevor wasn’t lying when he said Ray took it with him, so he must agree with Ryan’s intentions, to a point. But… after everything that came to light yesterday, Ryan should’ve at least asked first.

“We should- Can we-” Ryan cleared his throat. “Now might be a good time to, uh. Talk?”

Trevor bowed his head, staring at the timer of the oven. The cookies wouldn’t be ready for another thirty minutes.

“I’m still upset,” he said, not looking at Ryan. “And I recognize I have no room to judge, considering I fucked up, too.”

“Doesn’t make it hurt any less,” Ryan acknowledged. He tugged on his ponytail, hard enough to feel it in the roots. The pain focussed him. “And I’m upset, too. So there’s that.”

“There’s that,” Trevor agreed, expression smoothing out. “I’m not mad at you for fucking around before we were dating. We weren’t really exclusive back then, I have no right to be.”

“Feelings aren’t always rational, though,” Ryan prodded him gently because his words didn’t ring quite true. More like Trevor wanted them to be. Trevor sighed and walked over to the table, dropping into a seat and kicking a chair out for Ryan.

“No, they’re not,” Trevor agreed and… hesitated. “I would’ve been jealous, I think, if you told me back then. Insecure. Now… now it’s rolled into this ball of upset, overshadowed by the fact you didn’t tell me.”

“Neither did you,” Ryan pointed out as the guilt twisted in his chest. Trevor closed his eyes, exhaling sharply.

“Yeah. So I understand why you did it, and yet-” He waved his hand through the air. “Here we are, unable to go whoopsie-daisy and move on.”

Amusement welled up inside Ryan, smoothing over the sharp edges of hurt. “That’s what the talking is for, isn’t it?”

Trevor sighed, which was as good as agreement in Ryan’s book. He reached out across the table, offering his hand to Trevor palm up. Trevor stared at it for several seconds, eyes flickering up to glance at Ryan through his lashes. Ryan held still and waited, until Trevor dropped his hand in Ryan’s, the move painfully slow. Ryan twisted his fingers through Trevor’s and squeezed very, very carefully, afraid of the fragility of the moment.

Trevor swallowed and squeezed back.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was worried about what knowing might do to-” Ryan gestured between their chests with his free hand. “-this. Us. I didn’t want to mess up. And then I hadn’t said anything, and there wasn’t really a time to bring it up, and… I tried not to think about it. About Ray in general.” Ryan smiled, and it felt crooked and self-deprecating on his face. “I didn’t expect us to… work. To last.”

The admission fled his lips on a breath, and Trevor’s grip on his hand tightened. It wasn’t a new revelation, but he’d never dared to phrase it so directly. It was all subtext and between the lines, for him, even if he was sure Trevor had known.

“Ancient history,” Trevor quipped and made to wave it off. Ryan frowned.

“Except you’re still hurting because of something I did.” Trevor opened his mouth to protest, so Ryan stretched his fingers to run along the inside of Trevor’s wrist, feeling a shiver run through his boyfriend, shutting him up. “It’s still fresh for you. Just because I didn’t mean to hurt you, doesn’t mean you can’t be upset about it.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want you to feel guilty about it,” Trevor snapped back, pulling his hand free and crossing his arms. “How about that?”

Ryan huffed a laugh. “Are you trying to reverse psychology me into letting you off the hook?”

Trevor’s jaw fell, and his arms dropped from their defensive position. “Of course not!” Ryan arched his brow, holding Trevor’s gaze until he squirmed. “...maybe a little?”

“Uh huh.” Ryan’s laughter turned into a low chuckle. “For what it’s worth, I find that I don’t… mind the thought of it as much as I assumed I would.”

“Oh?” It was Trevor’s turn to raise his eyebrows, which he then ruined by waggling them, mouth quirked into a lascivious grin. “Does that mean you’re warming up to semi-public sex?”

“No.” Ryan scoffed and shook his head for emphasis. “As much as I’m sure you would enjoy it, I don’t think I can. And I’m not happy that you started a scene without my consent or awareness.”

Trevor sank down in his chair, shoulders slumping and grin turning into a pout. “I know. It was wrong of me, and I won’t do it again,” he swore, and his expression was earnest. Ryan sent him a quicksilver smile.

“However…” Ryan trailed off, watching in amusement as Trevor perked up. “I think… I think because it was Ray… I don’t know.”

Trevor’s brow furrowed, and he sat up straight. Ryan felt a flush work its way up his neck and onto his cheeks.

“Ryan?”

“The thought of Ray watching us is- Hot. Really hot,” Ryan blurted out, stumbling over the words in his haste to get them out. Trevor stared at him, and Ryan’s face burned. He averted his eyes, the flames of shame burning away at the knot of guilt in his stomach.

Ryan knew he was hung up on Ray. As Ray said yesterday, they’d never officially broken up. In the back of his mind, there was a stubborn glimmer of hope that Ray might come back one day. It grew easier and easier to ignore over time, as his relationship with Trevor grew and blossomed and turned out better than he could have imagined.

But a corner of his heart still belonged to Ray.

Hearing Ray’s side of things made it worse, nurturing the forbidden hope to new heights. Ryan loved Trevor, he did, and yet his traitorous heart couldn’t help but flutter at the thought of having a new chance with Ray. Not that he would ever act on it - he’d chosen Trevor, loud and clear, couldn’t bear to lose him. It just added to his guilt.

“Because it was Ray watching us,” Trevor repeated, keen eyes never leaving Ryan’s flushed face. “Because you love him.”

A beat, before Ryan dropped his head, shame curdling in his stomach. “I do,” he admitted in a whisper.

Trevor’s chair scraped over the kitchen tiles. Ryan watched from under his lashes as he stood up, his legs coming closer until their knees bumped together. Cautiously, Ryan lifted his head and spread his legs, a silent invitation. Trevor smiled as he stepped between them, one hand wrapping around Ryan’s neck, the other carding through Ryan’s hair.

“And you love me,” Trevor stated, meeting his eyes.

“I do,” Ryan hurried to assure him. Trevor hummed, fingers dancing over his head in a teasing pattern.

“I feel like it should bother me more,” he mused, fingers trailing down Ryan’s temple, along his cheek. They lingered on Ryan’s lips, shushing him while Trevor thought. “It doesn’t, to clarify. And not just because the idea of being watched turns me on.”

A shiver ran down Ryan’s spine, an electric zing of arousal. Trevor noticed, the hand on the back of his neck tightening.

“And why is that?” Ryan breathed, reaching out to curl his hands around Trevor’s knees.

“I’m not sure,” Trevor murmured, his hands dropping to Ryan’s shoulder blades as he slipped onto his lap. Their lips were barely an inch apart, their breath mingling. “I can see why you fell for him, I suppose. He’s got this certain je ne sais quoi.”

Ryan let his hands glide along Trevor’s thighs, resting lightly on his butt, before wrapping his arms around his back and pulling him closer.

“I didn’t know you speak French.” Their lips brushed as he spoke.

“Used to date a Canadian,” Trevor explained offhandedly, tilting his head to capture Ryan’s mouth in a kiss. Ryan closed his eyes and leaned in, enjoying the warm pressure of lips against his own. He opened them more than willingly when Trevor licked between them, allowing him to deepen the kiss. Trevor’s hands ran smooth circles over his back, his weight in his lap reassuring.

He hadn’t messed up too bad.

Even with his secret out in the open, on top of this new admission, he still had Trevor.

“We should probably talk about that,” he mumbled into the kiss. Trevor sighed and sat back, giving him a little space.

“We should,” he agreed, leaning forward to press their foreheads together. Ryan watched him, gaze flickering between his brown eyes. One hand slid up to tangle in Ryan’s hair, and Ryan tightened his arms around Trevor. “Perhaps we could also talk about the possibility of inviting Ray into our bed, hmm?”

“Fuck,” Ryan gasped, squeezing his eyes shut and pulling Trevor closer. Their clothed erections rubbed together, and Ryan’s breathing hitched.

“Is that a yes?” Trevor asked, amusement colouring his voice. His fingers rubbed along the base of his head, and Ryan leaned into the touch, opening his eyes to observe Trevor’s face. His pupils were wide with arousal, his lips curled into a relaxed smile. There was nothing to speak of unease, none of the usual ticks when he put on a mask. The idea that Trevor was genuinely interested in taking things that way...

“I’ll consider it,” Ryan grunted. He paused, making sure Trevor was paying attention to him, before he continued, adding a note of warning to  his tone. “I don’t know if I can have Ray that close without getting feelings involved. If it’s just the sex you want, we should find someone else. But if you want Ray… I doubt it’ll be just a one time thing.”

“Then that’s something we should also put on the To Talk list.” Trevor smirked, rolling his hips forward. “Later.”

“Later,” Ryan agreed, voice dropping into a low growl. His hands dropped to cup Trevor’s ass and squeezed.

***

A week after he left, Ray stood once more before the door to his- their- Trevor and Ryan’s apartment. His old key hung on its string around his neck, a heavy weight for all it’s meaning, a choice to be made. Ray curled his fingers around the metal and clutched the key to his chest.

This was it, then.  

Swallowing, Ray pulled the string over his head to unlock and open the door. He dropped the key in the designated bowl, noting Ryan’s, at least, was in there, too. The TV was on, images flickering across the screen, throwing weird shadows. The sound was muted, though, and the living room empty. Ray lingered by the couch, fingers trailing across the blankets thrown over the back. Washed since his stay, and ready for use.

The implications weren’t lost on Ray. 

A lovely smell permeated the kitchen, the pot on the hearth still warm to the touch. On the kitchen table stood a stack of cookie jars in garish colours. Ray remembered vaguely passing his grandma’s recipe on to Trevor, but with the fever, he doubted the instructions came across clear. He wondered if Trevor managed to make them anyway. If there was anything Ryan’s perfect boyfriend couldn’t do.

Ray paused in the door, lingering on the thought. It didn’t sting, for once, or taste of bitterness. Maybe it was the talk, or watching Trevor and Ryan be at odds, or Trevor taking care of him while he was sick, but… Now that Trevor wasn’t labelled enemy number one in his head, all his observations came tumbling back in a new light. Trevor was talented, impressive - the way he climbed three stories like it was nothing, slipping into a barely open window; going toe to toe with Ray to protect those he cared about, wielding his words with vicious precision - sly and cunning and attractive.

Ray froze. He liked Trevor. Like liked, even. Fuck.

A noise tore him out of his revelation, and Ray cocked his head. Things were complicated enough with Ryan without adding a crush on top of it. He pushed those thoughts to the back of his mind and followed the noise to the bedroom door. Muffled voices spoke in low tones, too quiet for Ray to make out. His heart skipped a beat. They were both home.

He gathered his courage and knocked.

A beat, the sudden silence of interrupted conversation, then the door opened and a shirtless Trevor poked his head through. Ray opened his mouth, ready to apologize, but ended up gaping at Trevor’s abs instead, brain short circuiting. Trevor raised a brow, an amused quirk to his lips.

“Oh, it’s you. Come on in,” he said breezily, turning around and leaving the door open for Ray.

The shutters were drawn, slits letting in enough light to see by. The room was tidier than Ray remembered it, the worn carpet replaced by luxurious fluff. Ray absently closed the door behind him as he looked around, only to freeze when he saw Ryan, lounging on the foot of the bed in only his boxers. Boxers which showed a very visible tent.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Ray blurted, cheeks aflame. “I, uh, I can come back later-”

“Nah, it’s fine,” Trevor waved him off.

“Dude.” Ray shot him a disbelieving look, eyes flickering pointedly over Ryan’s almost naked body and back. He arched a brow at Trevor.

“It’s fine,” Ryan put in, shrugging. “What’s up, Ray?”

Ryan’s tone remained even, more amused than annoyed. Ray swallowed, tugging on the strings of his hoodie. Trevor leaned against the dresser, hips cocked and arms crossed, flexing his triceps, and Ray quickly averted his eyes before he could get caught staring.

“I, uh… Was thinking. About sticking around.” He bit his lip, shoving his fists into the pouch of his hoodie to stop from fidgeting. “It’s been… good. Seeing the crew.” You, he didn’t need to say. “But… I wanted to clear it with you first.”

Trevor and Ryan exchanged an odd look, charged with some sort of tension, and Ray braced himself for the rejection. He knew he’d fucked up, that this was a potshot at best. Had worn out his welcome, and they’d put up with him longer than expected, took care of him. He’d hoped that meant...

“Sure,” Ryan said, and Trevor nodded.

“Good with me.” They turned to look at Ray in unison, and his heart skipped a beat. “You got a place yet?”

“Nah.” Ray shrugged one shoulder, the tension unraveling in his chest, warmth blossoming in its place. “Gavin offered me his couch until I do.”

Another speaking look was exchanged, and Ray started wondering what he’d missed. Something else was going on, some subtext he wasn’t privy to.

“You’re more than welcome to stay here,” Trevor suggested, and Ray’s head snapped up to stare at him. Trevor shrugged. “You know. If you want to. No pressure, or expectations, or anything.”

“I… okay?” Ray cleared his throat, glancing between Trevor and Ryan. The former’s expression was inscrutable, and he didn’t know Trevor well enough to read him. Ryan on the other hand was trying hard to keep his face blank, but there was a hopeful gleam to his eyes, the set of his jaw determined. “I mean… are you sure? I… I know we still have a lot to talk about. To clear the air.”

Their last talk had been a good first step, putting things into perspective. Ray wasn’t one to open up about his feelings, but having Trevor there, a mediating presence, had helped. He could see now that he came back to Los Santos expecting everything to fall into place. After all, he’d fixed the obvious problems, and with the drugs out of the way, his relationships - with Ryan, with the lads, the crew - should return back to normal, right?

But it wasn’t that easy: the damage had already been done. There was more work to do, more to heal.

Without Trevor there to focus his anger on, Ray was sure he’d have left at the first sign of difficulty. But Trevor had been such an easy target for his frustration, a scapegoat for being rejected, an obstacle to overcome. Except then he went and became a person to Ray, a real, flawed person with his own shit going on, and still reaching out to help him and Ryan through this.

Ray was under no illusions who Trevor was doing this for, yet a part of him felt grateful.

“I realize I was wrong to expect our relationship to just be put on hold while I was gone. To expect you to keep a promise I’d already broken, without even talking to you about it.”

Ray met Ryan’s eyes and grimaced. He hadn’t been thinking straight, caught between the drugs’ influence and short-term withdrawal he went through trying to hide it from Ryan, but he didn’t want to start over with justifications and excuses.

It was Ryan’s turn to clear his throat. “Things have… changed. Obviously.” He gestured towards Trevor, who quirked a smile at them. “But… we talked about this after you left. About you, and us.”

Ray nodded, having expected as much. It eased him somewhat, knowing the offer wasn’t coming out of nowhere. After everything, he didn’t want to be the reason Trevor and Ryan broke up. They were too perfect together, so much better than he and Ryan ever managed to be.

Ray glanced at Trevor, feeling awkward. He’d been caught between his and Ryan’s drama, and still had it in him to let Ray close. After the words they’d exchanged, the shots fired… Ray wasn’t sure he would’ve been as gracious, but he was grateful.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Trevor’s grin grew into a full-blown smirk, and he let his gaze slowly wander over Ray, as he added offhandedly, “It’s all part of my masterplan. Entirely selfish, I assure you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Ray felt amusement bubble up in his chest, and he arched an eyebrow at Trevor, challenging, “And what kind of plan would that be?”

“Why, how to get you to join us, of course,” Trevor drawled, cocking his head to the side, eyes flickering to Ryan, still lounging half-naked on the bed. Ray’s breathing hitched, sure he must have misunderstood.

“What?”

“In bed,” Trevor clarified, which really, entirely unnecessary. The innuendo was thick in the air, and Ray couldn’t help but glance down at Trevor’s naked chest. Trevor, noticing, dropped his arms and flexed, definitely on purpose this time.

Ray’s thoughts raced, even as his brain shut down. His pants grew tight, and the idea definitely had appeal- Trevor had appeal, nevermind Ryan, but… Ray glanced furtively at Ryan, unsure what he would think of his boyfriend propositioning his ex. However, Ryan was just watching them calmly, knowingly, raising a brow at Ray’s questioning look.

“Like I said,” he spoke up after another beat of silent, voice dry, “We talked about us and you.”

“Oh,” Ray replied, dumbfounded. His gaze lingered on Ryan’s boxer shorts, on the proof that he was into this as much as Ray was. He licked his lips, turning back to Trevor. “Okay, yeah.”

Trevor’s smirk softened, something hopeful in his voice. “Yeah?”

Ray let his eyes wander down Trevor’s fit form, before slowly travelling up to meet his eyes. They should probably talk about this first, a voice that sounded rather like Trevor piped up in the back of his mind. At the very least of what they expected of him, if this was a one time deal or something else, but… Ray’s never been one for words when actions spoke louder.

You’re more than welcome to stay here echoed through his mind, taking on new meaning in light of this.

“I owe you one,” Ray murmured, walking up to Trevor slowly and staring up at him. He’d always liked his men tall, dark and handsome, and Trevor hit all those categories. Ray had come to apologize, not just to Ryan, but to Trevor, too, and this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

He sank to his knees, watching as Trevor’s pupils widened with lust, and smirked.

***

“Hey Geoff.”

“Ray? Everything okay, buddy?”

“Yeah.” Ray bit his lip. It was a gamble, but… What did he have left to lose? “I’m just calling to let you know, I’m sticking around for a bit longer.”

“Yeah?” A pause as Geoff hesitated. “You sure, buddy?”

Ray leaned against the doorway, staring at the sight before him. Ryan was sleeping sprawled across the old couch, his head in Trevor’s lap. Trevor was holding a tablet in one hand, his other switching between brushing through Ryan’s hair and swiping furiously over the touchscreen. Ray waited for the sting of jealousy, that ugly burning feeling as his gut twisted at the sight, but… nothing. He felt warm, a flutter in his stomach he did not quite dare to name. Trevor looked up, catching Ray’s eyes and quirked a brow.

There was an empty space next to him, just big enough for Ray to slip in.

“Yeah,” Ray breathed, a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “I’m sure.”

“Alright,” Geoff replied hesitantly, the static crackling with his long exhale. “You’re always welcome with the crew.”