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You should be allowed to catch your mental illness in the act and in doing so banish it. The brain is so fucking dumb. Oh, we understand why this is happening and which of our disorders may be at play. However, we will NOT be turning those things off. They have to run always and forever. :)
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it's around the one billionth anniversary of
so crazy that after you survive child abuse you have to spend the rest of your life surviving what it made your brain and body into and unfortunately a lot of the time healing one doesn't translate into healing the other. i really think that any documentation of abuse or neglect outside of maybe exclusively "poverty led to a lack but this child was loved with every resource they had," parents should be financially on the hook FOREVER for anything from psychiatry to physical therapy to fucking lost wages. there is nothing anyone can do that replaces what it means to be supported as a child and to successfully keep pace with what capitalism demands of you in your teens and twenties. and yes, better access and less stigma re: mental health would help this, making society as a whole more accessible to all kinds of disability across the board would help, but I also just...
it is too fucking easy to torture your children into brain damage. all the victim blaming in the world, all the bootstraps, all the there's never any reason for violence in this world, but abused children are never, ever allowed to hold anyone accountable. there is nothing but consequence for being abused as a child, and part of my imperfect fantasy is that abusers might have to know even a little bit, even monetarily, how fucking shitty and exhausting that is.
I haven't received any ko-fi support in almost two months.
I feel really scared. I don't know what to do. Ko-fi has refused at every turn to make things good for writers. I have no visibility left online. I don't even have a way to ask people what they want.
They made everyone need side hustles with a normal job, then disappeared normal jobs into side hustles, then made social media necessary for your brand, then shifted algorithms to pay to play and actively hide you from your followers. Every single job is AI training, or the big company that has repeatedly fucked me over offering me a new contract with EVEN WORSE PAY when I never even broke minimum wage as it was. Only twice have I found a writing gig that wasn't training AI and wasn't affiliated with that company... except that I was wrong and that company bought them recently, too.
I'm hemorrhaging money and sanity and the will to live trying to make this shithole apartment functional. I'm doing everything alone. I'm so stressed I'm grinding my teeth into pieces.
I'm so glad I have another chance at being a person. I know I'm so lucky things went how they did. I thought going to this concert would be the last fun thing I ever did, before hotels, inevitably the street, realistically death. And now that I have this apartment (two shattered windows in less than a month, like four stolen packages now, broken bath tub, patio door, etc, like it's not luxury, it's a cry from average) I... I feel so guilty?
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i really wish someone told me back then "this objectively sucks and you're not crazy for thinking so." everyone told me it gets better and it did get better but back then it didn't mean anything to me. i didn't care about a theoretical future where i was happy i was just generally miserable. i wanna go back to my younger self and say "this is survivable. and surviving will be worth it. but i'll be real the process is difficult and will genuinely actually suck ass. it'll pay off. but it's hard and it sucks"
Well, it’s officially been three years and three days since Wendy died. One more Christmas Day passes, and I feel safer with each one. I’ll spend the rest of my life undoing what she did, and so will many other kids I knew. I hope her daughter doesn’t turn around and do the same.
totally unrelated to everything but i remember once my father told me he was losing his faith in humanity and i was like "lol same" and he told me no. seriously. i am. and im just like motherfucker you made me lose my faith in people before i even knew what that was? i couldnt trust you and therefore couldnt trust anyone because if you cant trust your parents a child, who do you have? dont piss me off
