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Synopsis : Your parents' relationship taught you something : you never leave during a fight.
Warnings : childhood trauma, parent's death.
A/N : this hits too close to home. This is not necessarily a love story but more of a trauma dump from the oc to Bucky which leads to a very cute moment. If you live anything close to this, I'm here to listen. And no, it's not because you're not hurt physically that it's less painful.
You and Bucky were lying in bed that night, your head resting comfortably on his chest, rising and falling with each steady breath. His fingers moved slowly through your hair, gently scratching your scalp in a way that always made you feel grounded, safe.
“Can I ask you something ?” he murmured after a while, his voice low, almost hesitant.
You hummed in response, your eyes half-closed, already relaxed against him.
“It’s not a criticism, okay ? Not even close. And if you don’t wanna answer, it’s okay, you don’t have- ”
“Buck,” you cut in softly, a small smirk tugging at your lips even if he couldn’t see it, “ask your question.”
He exhaled quietly, like he was still debating whether to go through with it.
“Why… hum… why are you so attached to the whole thing about not leaving during a fight ?” he finally asked. “It’s a great thing, don’t get me wrong, but I just… I don’t know. I guess I’ve never been with someone who wants to end the fight instead of… running from it.”
You didn’t answer right away.
Your fingers, which had been absentmindedly resting against his shirt, stilled slightly. Your gaze unfocused as you stared ahead, your mind already drifting somewhere you didn’t visit often.
It wasn’t that you didn’t want to tell him.
You just needed a second.
“You know how I never really grew up with… affection, right ?” you said quietly.
Bucky’s hand didn’t stop moving in your hair. If anything, it slowed just a little, more deliberate now, more attentive.
“I know it’s not that big of a deal,” you added quickly, almost reflexively. “I mean, a lot of people have it worse, but- ”
“Hey,” he interrupted gently, his voice firm in a way that made you pause. “Having parents who don’t show love to their kids isn’t okay. Doesn’t matter what anyone else went through.”
You let out a small breath.
“I know…”
There was a brief silence before you continued, your voice softer now, less guarded.
“My parents were always fighting. About everything and nothing at the same time. I’m not saying they were bad people, it wasn’t always like that. When things were good… they were really good. You could tell they loved each other.”
Your lips pressed together faintly.
“But they never ended a fight. There was never an apology, never a real resolution. They’d just… let it sit, let time pass, and then an hour later everything would go back to normal like nothing happened.”
Bucky stayed quiet, listening, his chest steady beneath your cheek.
“My dad would leave,” you went on, your voice distant now. “Take his car, or lock himself in his office just to get away. But my mom… she’d follow him. She couldn’t let it go, even when the fight was about nothing. And she never really let him talk. It was always… louder, faster, more.”
A small, bitter laugh slipped from your lips.
“I think they really loved each other. But it was never enough to stop the fights.”
Bucky’s fingers slowed even more, almost still now, like he didn’t want to disturb the moment.
“My dad would shut down sometimes,” you continued. “Either not respond at all or just get… cold. And my mom would take everything personally. Even things that had nothing to do with her. You couldn’t say anything without it turning into something bigger.”
You swallowed slightly, your voice quieter now.
“And… I don’t want you leaving during a fight because of that too. I told you how my dad used to leave with his car, right ? To make sure my mom wouldn’t follow him.”
Bucky hummed softly, encouraging you to keep going, his hand gently brushing along your scalp again.
“When I was sixteen… they had a fight. A pretty big one. Bigger than usual.”
You paused, your breath catching just slightly.
“I don’t even remember what it was about. But my dad left that day. Took his car. My mom left too, said she needed air… that she’d go get something to eat or whatever.”
Your fingers curled faintly against his shirt.
“So I was alone when the phone rang.”
Bucky pressed a soft, grounding kiss to the top of your head.
“It was the police,” you whispered. “They told me my dad had been in an accident.”
Your voice faltered for just a second.
“He didn’t make it.”
“I’m sorry,” Bucky murmured, his arms tightening slightly around you.
“They said he didn’t die right away,” you continued, your voice quieter, heavier. “He died in the ambulance.”
A pause.
“I think that’s worse.”
Your eyes burned faintly, but you didn’t look up.
“Because he died thinking my mom hated him. And she came home to find out her husband of thirty years was gone.”
Silence settled between you, thick but not uncomfortable. Just… heavy.
Bucky didn’t rush you. Didn’t try to fix it. He just held you, steady and present.
“That’s why,” you said after a moment, your voice softer now, more certain. “That’s why I don’t let things slide. And why I don’t want you to leave in the middle of a fight.”
You shifted slightly against him, your cheek pressing closer to his chest.
“Because I never want something to happen to one of us while the other thinks they’re not loved.”
Bucky exhaled slowly, his hand coming to cradle the back of your head more firmly, pressing another soft kiss there.
“I understand,” he said quietly. “And I promise… I won’t ever let you think I don’t love you.”
A small pause. Then, softer...
“And just so you know… you’re doing pretty good in this relationship.”
You pulled back slightly, just enough to look up at him, one eyebrow raising.
“Pretty good ?”
A faint grin tugged at his lips.
“Pretty fucking great, I’d say.”
You couldn’t help it. You smiled, a quiet laugh escaping you as Bucky Barnes leaned down, pressing kisses all over your face, messy, affectionate, completely unfiltered in a way that made your chest feel warm and light all at once.
“You’re doing pretty great, too,” you murmured, your hands coming up to rest against his chest, steadying yourself as he kept going. “But don’t let it go to your head.”
“Too late,” he mumbled against your skin, his lips brushing your cheek again before finally pulling back just enough to look at you.
The moment settled after that. Quieter, softer.
Your laughter faded into something more thoughtful, your gaze lingering on his as the playfulness slowly gave way to something deeper.
“That’s why I hate fighting,” you admitted after a second, your voice lower now, more vulnerable. “Because if I’m being honest… I’m scared to act like my mom sometimes.”
Bucky’s expression shifted immediately, the teasing gone, replaced by something attentive and steady. His hand came up instinctively, brushing lightly along your arm, grounding you.
“I know we don’t really fight,” you continued, your eyes flickering briefly away before finding his again. “And when we do, it’s for a reason. And we always fix it, we always talk, we don’t just leave things hanging…”
Your fingers curled slightly against his shirt.
“But I’m scared that one day I’ll start getting to you when you don’t deserve it. Like she did.”
For a second, Bucky just looked at you like he was trying to understand how you could even think that about yourself.
“I don’t think that’s possible,” he said quietly.
You frowned slightly, like you didn’t quite believe him.
“Yeah ?” you challenged softly.
A small, crooked smile tugged at his lips.
“Yeah,” he nodded. “Because you kinda turn me on when you’re mad.”
You blinked.
“And I’ll probably kiss you before you even get the chance to make me mad enough to want to leave.”
Your hand came up instinctively, giving his chest a light slap.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Yeah,” he shrugged, completely unfazed, his smile widening just a little. “But you still love me.”
You held his gaze for a second, your expression softening despite yourself, something fond and certain settling in your eyes.
“I can’t say I don’t.”
That was enough for him.
Bucky smiled — soft, real — and leaned down, closing the distance between you in a gentle kiss. There was no rush in it, no urgency, just something warm and steady, something that felt like home.
“why are you crying” and they just casually mentioned your sexual abuser without knowing so you gotta keep it nonchalant and hit this pose
jokes aside, i don’t usually talk about heavy/triggering stuff on here cause i prefer keeping this account lighthearted (besides the angsty shit i be writing lmao) but i wanna say something real quick: please speak up. even if it’s someone close to you, even if you think people won’t believe you, even if part of you wants to downplay it. SPEAK UP. you deserve to be heard. i wish i hadn’t kept everything to myself for so long, i think part of me was so determined to not let it define me that i just buried it and kept moving, but carrying something like that alone for years gets exhausting. nobody deserves that shit and if any of you can relate in any way, i’m genuinely sorry. please take care of yourselves, you deserve the world. love u lotss<33
I need some good vibes. Please. (aka where I've been this summer).
I've been trying to get back to writing most of this year. And I don't talk a lot about personal stuff here but I'm having, so far, a pretty bummer summer.
So, I had to transition to a new job in May for the university. I'm still remote but the funding got cut for my previous department in March and... Yikes. So I found another position thanks to a friend. I'm still learning but it had to be done with us homeschooling so... It wasn't my ideal position but beggars can't be choosers. I'm grateful I can work from home at all honestly.
June arrives. Hubby picked up my older girl from art class at a local arts center. Someone texting while driving pulled out in front of them so they were in a head-on collision. My girl had minor injuries, she was in the back. My husband has some more serious injuries including a concussion. The other driver was mostly unharmed and they were young. We're doing PT for hubby. He's recovering. Both vehicles were totaled. My girl has PTSD from it because the car flipped too. She's 10. We're seeing someone for that. It's a mess. Hubby did find a similar car this weekend at a decent price using what we got from the other party's insurance plus more from savings. We picked it up today. He's happier.
A week after the accident, a dear friend died unexpectedly. His twin brother won't say much about it but... I hadn't seen him for a while and it was devastating because he was such a gentle soul.
The next week my stepmother passed. She was a friend of the family before my mother passed. She at least understood the complicated relationship I had with my parents, and knew about the mental illness involved. I went to that funeral too. My father is already on the dating scene. It's been a month. I get he doesn't want to be alone but I remember him dating the week of my mother's funeral too. I just don't understand. We're not really in each other's lives now, it's mutual, so I guess I don't have to.
Over the last month, July, the new job continued to make demands in hours. I'm trying to hold that down, get everyone to pt, therapy, classes, etc. My garden is a mess because I can't keep up. The groundhog ate all of my green bean plants anyway despite everything I tried to do to humanely discourage him.
Finally, over the last week, things started to look like they were stabilizing. I was writing something. I wrote last night. F*ck, it was half a chapter, but it was something.
So I have three cats and a dog. Last night, my girl cat was on the bed with me. It started raining. My tuxedo guy was scratching around midnight at the transparent cat door. They are indoor/outdoor cats mostly because my husband has never been willing to help me keep them in the house. I know it's better to have indoor cats, believe me. We're out in the country too and off the road. In the fifteen years we've been married and living out here, we haven't lost a pet to the road yet. I know it could still happen but... Anyway, we have a transparent cat door that only the girl knows how to use. lol My tuxedo is watching me through the door wanting in. There was something brown and dead at his feet but I didn't have my lenses in and I'm blind without them. I didn't think anything of it when I let him in. My other guy, an orange tabby, was outside. They are all 2-3 years old.
Today, I went onto the porch to sweep. The dead brown thing was a bat. Now there's a rabies risk. We got it into a plastic bag without touching it and it's in the fridge to preserve it for testing. I don't know which boy nailed him but one of them did. Orange guy is up to date on his vax but the other two are overdue (due earlier this year). In the morning, I'll call the vet and get everyone including the dog boosted by Thursday (96 hour window). I'll send the bat for testing. Hopefully the results will be negative.
But please keep a good thought for us. I love my pets, and I sure don't want them, my kids, or us exposed. I know there's not a huge chance the bat was rabid but there is a chance so...
Anyway, that's what's been going on and I'm so sorry for trauma dumping here. A couple of you have very nicely hinted that you hoped I'd get back to whatever story you liked and the last thing I want to do is say, "Well this is what happened..." I don't want to dump that guilt on someone nice enough to even read my work and ask if more is coming.
But maybe with enough good vibes, we can get stabilized so I can write again soon. I miss it so much. I miss having time to read stories here.
I've missed all of YOU. ❤️💔❤️ Thank you for anything whether it's a good thought, vibe or prayer.
Still here,
Jamie
PS It's not all gloom and doom. In 16 days, I'm still going to see MCR in concert if nothing else happens.And there are a couple of writing challenges here I really hope I can get in on. (Fingers crossed). 🙏
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
✓ Live Streaming✓ Interactive Chat✓ Private Shows✓ HD Quality✓ Free Actions
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
