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I had a dream about Eddie last night. Which is... Weird. I didn't even realize I was fronting. I just woke up and.. I remembered seeing him. Feeling him. I don't remember all of what happened, but... It was.. strange. Good strange, but strange nonetheless
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Still here. Still just... Yearning I guess. Or reminiscing or whatever. Laaaame
ugh... i'm high and thinking about him again... sometimes i wish he would just get out of my mind.
I realized I go back and forth on talking about him like he's still alive and like he's dead. I think it's because in my head I try to convince myself he's still alive, y'know? And like. I know that theoretically there could be an Eddie alter out there, where he IS alive. But then at the same time I get so overwhelmed with grief and dread remembering what happened that it's like an impossible thing for me to believe that there's even a possibility of him being alive still. It's strange.
I also miss Stan a lot too. I miss all of the losers, obviously. I'm kinda tired of pretending I don't, lol. But.. I don't know. It's different with Eds. It feels like I've lost a piece of myself or something.
Anyway-
I'm feeling conflicted. On one hand, it's SO FUCKING COOL seeing people draw me and Eds together again!! It's so nice and I always get so happy seeing people draw us and it's so cool and I love all of the art I see. Seeing how different people draw us has been SO fun for me, and it's so cool to see all this art and reminisce about times we had, or even imagining what it could have been like if he was still here. It makes me feel so happy and warm and comforted seeing all the art of us being happy together.
On the other hand, it hurts. It hurts so much. It hurts so fucking much knowing that I don't have him anymore. Remembering that he's gone and the chance of me seeing him again is close to none. Remembering that I never got to say those words. I never got to tell him the truth. I never said those things I should've said. And I likely never will. And the worst part is every time I think I find him again, he's gone. Just like that. Should I even bother trying to find him again? Or should I just accept that I'll never truly get him back? Should I hold out hope, that one day, I might get to talk to him again, I might get to spend time with him, I might get to have him in my life again? Or should I give up, and save myself the heartache of him finding me just to leave again? I don't think I can take that. The last time it happened it was like losing him that first time all over again. I miss him so much it hurts. And maybe I should just move on. But I don't know that I ever will...
Anyway. I don't know how active I'll be on this account again, but I still exist! I just had to like. I don't know, I had to sort of shit myself away from everything so I could recover before coming back I guess. But hey who gives a shit about that, am I right?? Haha! I'm back and better than ever, baby! Richie trashmouth is back! And I'm (hopefully) gonna be JUST as annoying and funny as before 😎
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☀️through the years🍃
happy birthday to my favourite garbage man :") 💖
You don't realize what you have until it's gone.
I didn't realize back then. I thought I had all the time in the world to tell you. Every waking moment I spent agonizing over how I would do it. I carved our initials into the bridge assuming that one day I'd get to show you. I spent so many sleepless nights trying to convince myself to tell you, to convince myself that it was a good idea.
When we met again as adults, you reminded me of how much I loved you. Your smile, the annoyed look on your face when I'd make annoying ass jokes, your voice, but most importantly, your laugh. I could listen to that laugh for hours at a time. It made me feel like, despite all of the absolute hell we were dealing with, it made me feel like I was safe.
I lost you that night. I lost you that night, and I will never forgive myself. I could have done something. I don't know what, but I know I could have. If I had just believed a bit harder. If I had attacked a bit better. If I had been a bit stronger. You would still be here with me. I was going to tell you how I felt as soon as we left. But I never got the chance.
I know it's beyond late. I know I've missed my chance. It hurts every time I think about it, and I promise you, it's almost all I think about these days. But I'm going to say what I should have said so many fucking years ago. What I should have said the very first day.
I love you, Eddie. And I always will.
Merry Christmas, Eds. Miss you. Wherever you are.
