Throwback to New York Fashion Week September 2017.

I walked for Stuzo at Dapper Q’s R/Evolution Fashion Show.

#TransIsBeautiful

A post shared by Devin-Norelle Official (@steroidbeyonce) on Sep 15, 2017 at 4:08pm PDT

Today, on this day, I leaped onto an unfamiliar path.

On this day, three years ago, I walked into a “hospital for special surgery” in Florida. I had what felt like the weight of the world on my chest. I knowingly trusted a stranger with the task of eradicating it. Before this day was over, this weight, this burden had been lifted.

Many of us trans-masculine folx walk into our surgeries expecting a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. For many of us, including me, this does partially ring true. Yet we fail to realize the bigger picture that lies before us.

Unknowingly, I had stepped into a realm I was unacquainted with, a realm with many consequences. I lived in a world of black, and envisaged transitioning into a world of white. I never anticipated existing in a domain of constant grey. I hadn’t taken the time to grasp onto the fact that social changes would come about as a result of having surgery and deviating away from the gender I was born at birth.  I didn’t comprehend what social implications were attached to identifying as a person of trans* experience. I had yet to unpack the innumerable nuances experienced by trans* people in general or and tackle them head on. I expected to undergo surgery, and to live free of any more burdens.

The universe must have laughed at my naivety.

(Carmen Alexis Photography)

It’s only been 3 years, but during these very few years I have grown into a more informed person. My chest and appearance have granted me many privileges, although being an out trans* person presenting as androgynous has subjected me to a great deal of transphobia. I am learning how to navigate in a new body while also informing others about the extra strides trans* folx must take to be regarded as human. (Note my lack of the word “normal.”) I can now view the world from various perspectives, and am especially aware of the view from the bottom. My experiences are richer than ever and my interactions are full of color. There is never a dull moment. If the universe laughed at me before, I think now it may be applauding me and any other trans* people for our resilience to overcome various hindrances. Trans* folx are by far the strongest people I know. We stare death and walk without fear. 

I am thankful for both positive and negative experiences bound to me on this wild ride called transition. Without them, how could I have learned to persevere? What doesn't kill me.... does indeed make me stronger.

If I die, will I be misgendered by the media? My I.D. lists me Female. Will I be referred to as she? He? He/she? It? Will the media use my appropriate name?

Would it make any difference if my I.D. listed me as male? Would policemen decide to refer to me as female because of my genital anatomy?

If I died in a tragic accident, will media inappropriately report that a “Trans*man died in an accident,” as opposed to appropriately reporting that “a man died in tragic accident,” and THEN mention that I happen to be a Trans* advocate?

If I die, how will I die? Will I die a natural death? Or will I fall victim to statistics and die at the hands transphobic bigots.

If I die, will my mom use female pronouns in my obituary?  If I die, I wonder, Will she apply makeup? Lipstick? Will she have me dressed as a woman, and style my hair in curls?

If I die, will my extended family attend my funeral? Most don’t “agree” with my truth. If I die, would they even shed a tear?

  If I die, will Devin be inscribed on my tombstone with the rest of my name?

If I die…..

….. will I be respected in death?

Above: India Clarke, 11th Transwoman murdered this year. 

With the recent numbers of Trans* deaths in the past couple years, one question consistently comes to mind; what will happen if I die? Above are my thoughts. How I stitched them together is meant to make sense. This isn’t prose, nor is it meant to be. These are just scattered thoughts I sprinkled onto various pieces of paper. These thoughts came across my mind at random times when the likes of India Clark, Mercedes Williams, London Jill Chanel or other transgender people were are killed and subsequently misgendered in the media. They were murdered for who they are, and disrespected in their death. This is their reality. And sometimes I wonder, will this be my reality? Will I be respected in death?

Hate-motivated violence against transgender people rose 13% last year. Source: National Coalition Anti-Violence Programs.

Education is priceless.