Five weeks, 3 days pregnant

Bloodwork this morning w a surprise ultrasound. I wasn’t aware we were doing an ultrasound, and may have called hubs upwards of six times to get his booty down to the clinic, but apparently staying up late to watch the Sunday night NFL game got homeboy sleeping in today.

Well then.

Turns out, we have a gestational and a yolk sac! And a wiggly little worm-looking embryo tucked in that sac(s).

There were tears. There were lots of tears. Fact: I was blubbering like a baby. Bye bye, mascara, my lashes are flying solo today. These hormones are NO JOKE. Doc was so compassionate, sweet enough to say when I apologized like a fool for crying, “you worked so hard for this pregnancy!,” handing me a tissue.

HCG level went up almost 3000% (you go, HCG!) and progesterone is where it should be.

Next up next week: heartbeat.

To all the IVF warrior qweens who need to hear this today, I SEE YOU:

*****sensitive*****

HCG is at a 76.

That’s a positive beta.

The embryo implanted.

Trying to not run around my school building, crying the good news at the top of my lungs, bc:

1.) that would be unprofessional

2). embarrassing, much?

3). there’s still an awfully long road of milestones to meet ahead.

4). I honestly need to get ahold of myself and stop crying anyway.

TRANSFER DAY IS HERE.

Woke up.

Took my PIO.

Applied heating pad.

Wrote my grams eulogy.

Drank a shit ton of water.

Ate pineapple core, Brazil nuts, Pom juice.

Brisk walk.

Shower.

Applied no fragrance, only fragrance free deodorant bc: sweat.

Ate eggs, spinach, avocado.

Mini freak out over how difficult it was to remove the progesterone suppository from its plastic casing.

Inserted progesterone suppository.

Drank a shit ton more of water.

Read.

Drank 10 oz of water on the ride to clinic.

Laser acupuncture.

Drank 24 oz of water pre-transfer.

Transferred my embryo into my thick fluffy uterine lining.

Laser acupuncture, while my bladder damn near exploded.

Picked up some snacks.

Drank more water.

Read some more.

waiting for tomm’s 9dp5dft beta test like..

This article deeply resonates in my soul. The words:

“You become used to living in a constant state of fluctuating despair and hope,”

describes the life I’ve been living since March 2019 when we were diagnosed infertile and began our IVF journey. Even today, with a successful transfer and a 5 week old nugget implanted in my uterus, I’m waiting.

Waiting for it all to go wrong.

Waiting for the beta (and other shoe) to drop.

Waiting for the heavy cramps and blood flow.

Waiting for the devastation that has followed every positive milestone during this journey.

I’m like Pavlov’s dog, conditioned to assume the worst is around the corner.

That’s called trauma.

And I may not be able to escape it quickly, but I’ll fight this new mindset I’ve adopted like hell, bc every joy we’re experiencing deserves it’s celebration, it’s hayday, it’s happiness.

Transfer cycle day 18

PINEAPPLE DAY 🍍

Morning monitoring time: 45:48

Lining: 8.8

My gram passed yesterday. It was heartbreaking to see her in hospice, having not eaten or drank in over a week, no visible bodily functions occurring but breathing. It was her time to go and there’s some relief that she is now at piece.

I requested consult with my doc to confirm we should do the transfer tomorrow. I’m comfortable w moving forward, but I wanted her opinion on attending the funeral post-transfer in a few days. I’m relieved gram is now pain free, but there will be tears. Many tears... and I haven’t heard back.

Today, being the day before transfer, is PINEAPPLE DAY (at last). That golden beauty got cut into five equal parts (including core, the most important part!) and today, the first slice goes down the hatch.

No one ever tells you how hard it is to eat pineapple core.

I officially feel like I’m wearing a tinfoil hat, believing some kind of wacko conspiracy theory about the existence of an underground colonization of Mars.