#trans dex

If I’m honest this turned out kinda brighter and louder than traditional emo, maybe more scene? But it’s ok bc he still looks so cool <3

He readjusted himself to a position in which his feet could reach the ground, and padded over to the kitchen in hopes of finding more. He probably should eat something healthier, but it's his birthday for god's sake, he's entitled to eating an entire cake first. He poked around searching, in cupboards and the fridge only to find about one sixteenth of it left. How disappointing. He let out a sigh, albeit more than he intended. He wasn't actually all that upset over the cake. I mean, it was special for him as it was his favourite, but he just wanted to be upset about something other than dealing with his extended family. He was certain if his phone was not drowning in the depths of that musty old couch it would be buzzing with his Aunties wanting to sing for their 'favourite little sweetheart'. The weight of those words shifted around uncomfortably in his stomach and he let go of the cake.

He just wanted to wallow in his discomfort for a while. It was always such an odd combination on the brain and body, the warmth of people that love you mixed in with the cold anxiety of knowing they intrinsically dislike you. Wanting to distance himself from these people but not feeling like he can, or should, or even want to because of fond memories from simpler days.

They were the kind of emotions you couldn't just feel, you had to think about them, and thinking about how you felt would eat up your day so unsatisfyingly. Of course, you couldn't just push them down either, they demanded to be felt. There's no avoiding losing days to this.

Standing in front of the open refrigerator, air slightly too cool pressing against his skin, he suddenly felt very alone. He wondered to himself a moment if anyone was around and then remembered Bitty was not ten feet from him. Sometimes his mind got away from him. He shut the fridge door.

“Are you feeling alright there, Nursey?”

Bitty was leaned back against the counter, balancing himself with his palms.

“You seem a little,” Bitty paused to find the right word, “...off.”

“I'm fine,” Derek mumbled. It wasn't very convincing.

“Really. I'm fine.”

Derek wasn't entirely sure why he said that. Bitty probably knew better than anyone what he was going through; could sympathize with him. But he wasn't in the mood for sympathy. It's difficult enough to unload your baggage in your mind, and it's a great deal more effort when your friend is doing it too. He made a mental note to talk to Bitty when he felt better, when he was a little less weighed down by himself. It would do him some good to be more open with people.

He didn't remember coming up the stairs. He also didn't remember entering his room, but he found himself curled up in bed, meditating over inconsequential familial interactions of the past six years.

“Nurse.”

He craned his neck around to face Dex, holding out his phone by the upper-most left corner of it, very carefully. He was probably scared of the amount of germs it had amassed in the past few- however long it had been, he wasn't keeping track.

“This has been going off non-stop for forever, it was lodged in the back of the couch?”

He scrunched up his nose at the sight of it. “I don't want it.”

“I wouldn't either, honestly. You should disinfect this.”

“No, just-” He wasn't in the mood to fight. “Ughhh,” Derek groaned.

Dex placed the phone on its charger a couple feet away, a lot more gentler than Derek would have, even with Dex's phone. He plopped himself at his desk and pulled out a textbook, leaving Derek to his dwelling. It was a nice gesture, only it revealed to Derek that dwelling felt even more prickly discomfort with another person in the room. It made him feel stupid.

“... My grandmother called this morning,” Derek stated, rubbing at his eyes as if that made it more nonchalant, which it didn't.

“Hmm,” Dex feigned interest.

“She wanted to wish me a happy birthday,” he explained, “except she didn't want to wish Me a happy birthday, she wanted to wish happy birthday to this version of me she has in her mind and...” he trailed off before his voice could change pitch or crack which he was not going to let happen.

“That sucks,” Dex said, bluntly.

“Uh, yeah, it does,” Derek chuckled.

Dex cleared his throat and shifted around a little bit.

“Normally I wouldn't offer this up because I am all for self-pity, but since it is your birthday, want me to order a pizza and we play Overwatch for the next three hours?”

Derek smiled.

“Sounds good.”

Dex was a surprisingly good sport of Derek's controversial opinion of Hawaiian pizza. His heart felt a whole lot lighter. Kind of because of the pizza. But also the whole, having a friend who understands what's up and who is not dismissing your feelings but however is helping distract you from said feelings, that part is nice. The sinking pit of guilt lying at the bottom of his stomach was still there, it wasn't going to just magically go away because of nice things, it demands to be felt. Derek was just being smart for once in his life and not giving into its demands to be all he felt, or felt all at once.

“Hey, if it wasn't my birthday, were you actually going to leave me alone all night,” Derek questioned.

“Uh, no. Unless you wanted me to? Is this a trick question?”

“Nope, you're good,” Derek laughed.

“Dude, I know how much it sucks. Hell, I haven't been having the best day either, but- I don't like seeing my friends upset. I don't like seeing my best friend eating himself up inside over his family being shitty.”

“Aw, how sweet of you,” Derek said in a teasing manner when he didn't mean it teasingly at all.

“Hey, by the way, do you need me to fight your grandma? Because I will, full-on fist-fight the woman.”

Derek was pretty sure Dex's intentions were exactly the same as his. Which is concerning.

“Please, do not fight my grandmother,” Derek pleaded.

“You can't stop me. I'm going to fight her, and I'm going to kick her ass.”