#trans!martin

First time?

Imagine you’re are Martin’s mother and you have raised this little girl all on your own. You love this very sad, very lonely little girl, you love her enough to forgive her similarities to a certain someone.

You thought you were in the clear.

And then one day he is not your little girl anymore. He nearly cries with relief after he tells you, and then he moves away and that’s that.

Until one day he comes back. And then he comes back again. And again and again and each time you see him he looks a little more like that man. That man you had never wished to see again, someone who you wished would rot is walking through your door every day and he doesn’t even know it. Your boy, your only child not only looks like the ‘man who ripped your heart out’, he chose to look like him.

But of course he didn’t! You know he never saw that scum. You’re overreacting. It’s fine!

Assuming he was somehow able to get HRT, could you imagine what it would do to his psyche when his mother realized that all that time and effort and money had gone towards turning her little girl into a carbon copy of her bastard ex-husband? Whatever strained affection they had before just completely disintegrating as the hormones kick in, as Martin’s face and voice turn into that which she despises. And the worst part is he doesn’t know why, not really. All he knows is that once he started transitioning, her demeanor towards him went from resigned to cruel and resentful—and no matter what he does, no matter how hard he tries, she will not acknowledge him as anything other than a burden.

What if he has to start rationing his testosterone because his meager salary can barely cover his mother’s nursing home and his own apartment? What if he stops taking it altogether because he just can’t afford it, or out of some desperate last-ditch attempt to regain even the tiniest scrap of goodwill from her?

What if he considers detransitioning because he’s so miserable that it almost doesn’t seem worth it anymore?

But the damage is already done. She won’t accept his visits, and for all we know, his letters to her go unanswered. It’s not until his standoff with Elias that Martin truly understands: by prioritizing his own happiness, he destroyed whatever was left of hers.

Martin: Jon I'm going to kill you

Jon: Well yes- I mean...why?

Martin Blackwood (beloved)