#toydreamer

for the ones who have been following me for years would know the cancer battle that’s been plaguing my dad for the past few years and the turmoil it’s been putting us through.

No easy way to say this but the longest and dreary journey has finally come to an end for my dad. He did his best to fight with all he can and persistently tolerated the pain demons all so he could buy himself more time with us.

To be Frank, I’ve long expected this day to come bcus well he ain’t a Saint of health, been the heaviest chain smoker all his life. He also didn’t exactly made it easy for us given how addicted he was to decades long history of chugging cigs.

But still he’s my dad and all I can say is I gradually jus accepted the fact and decide to cherish the present days as much as possible Cus it’s gonna be a sooner or later event.

When he was first diagnosed, it was already late stage. There’s still treatment options for him but unfortunately the doctors exhausted medicines after medicines on him bcus his cancer type was an insanely aggressive kind.

We still tried to stay positive but obviously he is deeply affected. There’s bouts of him just wanting to give up and forgo treatment entirely but we managed to persuade him to give it a go all so that we can have abit more time with him.

Eventually he came around abit but he is also a traditional Asian man of extremely few words making the task of prying open an oyster shell with bare hands look like childplay. He doesn’t like telling us what he’s thinking despite many attempts to talk. Another bad habit that we disliked but can’t do about once he clams up.

Understandably we know deep down he’s as anxious and worried about his future as us but he doesn’t want us to worry about him. So it’s like being in a deadlock for days.

All we could do was engaging with him more, finding new food places to try, eating at his favourites and bringing him to places. Those outing made him forgot about his condition for abit, little positive distractions that now serves as happy memories of him.

His tumors stay as stubborn as can be and begin to spread like a menace. It eventually spread to his brain in Jan this year that’s when doctor told us it’s stage 4, they were confident in surgery given he’s still in a healthy condition so we went ahead.

The doctors pulled through and though was not able to remove everything but they did they best to take out as much as they could. Dad recovered well too and bounce back really quickly. They lined him up with a couple more treatments hoping to try and keep it at bay.

But alas this time it only took a month for it to grow back again. Recurring symptoms from before came back and we had a wrenching gut feeling the tumor in his brain is back. Hoping so much that we were wrong but reality and knowledge prove us right again.

Only this time it made it impossible for anymore treatments to be done for him as the cancer grew back in the exact same area and is even bigger than before with brain bleed. His health has also deteriorated at this point that even the surgeons don’t feel confident and comfortable putting him through another surgery in the same area. Risk of side effects are a lot higher now. They also told us he’s reached end stage now.

So we knew there’s no point in putting him through more pain any longer. Made the hard decision to let him live out his condition as comfortably as possible with minimal pain. Doctors have also warned us he might go any time then and to be prepared.

Haven’t cried so hard in years since I was a young child after hearing the news and trying to digest reality. Even though I always knew this day would come it’s never enough preparation when it arrives.

But dad did his best and held out for a month plus. It was so tough watching him waste away as the illness gradually takes away pieces of him, reducing him to being jailed in his own body as he slowly loses functions and control over his body. He is fully dependent on external care. Even if he couldn’t communicate with us like the past, it’s easy to see how turmoil tortured him from within when he can’t even perform basic actions.

Mum’s retired so she gets to visit him and stay by his side for as much of the day as she can. I’m lucky to be able to work from home and only be on call sometimes so I’ll frequently visit him as much as I can. Sis only gets to see him after work so we rotate shifts to manage.

All while waiting for hospice to get back to us when vacancy opens up which was just one week back. When he finally got transferred after almost a month’s wait, a relative had the smartest idea to propose a small little party celebrating my sister’s birthday at the hospice for a few hours so we could gather and hang out with my dad is really the main purpose.

Could tell he really appreciated and enjoy the time outside for abit that’s not him being confined within the wards. Even managed to give us the best thumbs up he can managed which was a great sign.

That inherently gave us abit of a false hope that perhaps he still had more time left. Only for things to descend rapidly in jus a few days later. Up till the morning of Thursday this week, hospice called to inform us that his condition isn’t looking good and to come down and spend as much time with him as possible given he might pass at any time.

Imagine the shock it gave us all after such a good weekend. We rushed down and took shifts to spend all the time we have together with him.

Could tell he wasn’t ready to leave and didn’t want to but we both knew the choice isn’t his to make anymore. He hasn’t been able to straighten his stiff arms for weeks but still did his best to reach his palms out to touch my face one last time. Did my best to tell him what I wanted to say for the last time. He then passed on in the wee hours of today.

As for this rainbow? It felt too much of a coincidence when it appeared after we’ve all been running about preparing for dad’s funeral arrangements. It’s only when I had a breather and look up for abit and was blessed with this majestic sunset sky and the vibrant rainbow bridge after a heavy downpour.

I may be delulu about it but given the timing of everything that’s happening plus the position of it seating jus nicely above the hall that my dad’s wake was held, felt a tad too surreal. Personally it feels like a mix between a thank you message plus a motivational push towards me doing what I do best, encouraging the ideas I have in plans. Or maybe it could be his way of reassuring us things will be fine and he’s truly in a happier better place now.

When things get more settled, I’ll defo look into getting this printed and framed close to dad’s shrine in the house. Feels like a right thing to do.

Typing his little story has been a little therapeutic and helped lighten the load in my chest some.

Missing him and his shenanigans loads already but I know I’ll be okay eventually, the tough part is letting time do it’s job in dulling out the pain.