#toxicman

i don’t really talk about my personal life here, it feels kinda weird and uncomfortable tbh, but i still wanted to share a bit of what’s been going on these past months… maybe i’ll delete this later lol.

last time i updated here was back in august and omg so much happened. nothing “serious serious” but it still hit way too hard on my emotional stability.

first thing was… i ended things with my boyfriend of two years. the breakup was kinda inevitable and even then, writing helped me not fall apart. it was like my safe place. honestly, the relationship had no future. we’re both adults and our plans for life were completely different. neither of us could really compromise without ending up miserable. all those nights i stayed up writing kinda softened the blow, so when it finally ended it didn’t hurt as bad… and yeah, that’s how it went.

and when i posted my last fics, the breakup was still super fresh. but then the real chaos hit. memories and old moments kept popping up, and yeah, he was my first for a lot of things… while for him i was just “someone else” in his life, which i always struggled with. still, i’ve got pride so i didn’t beg or try to get him back.

but i was anxious all the time. i couldn’t write. couldn’t even open tumblr. my mind just went blank and i felt even worse for not being able to keep up with my projects. i honestly had zero energy to write.

then… i met someone. even tho i knew i wasn’t ready for anything. he opened up to me like i was some kind of safe space, but it turned out to be the opposite. now i can laugh but back then it was so… sad. this dude literally had a double life. he had me blocked on his personal ig and only followed me on his work account. super creepy. and i made the mistake of posting a pic of us because he told me we were “talking seriously” and we’d “have something in the future”. after i posted it he just dropped me in the coldest way possible. i felt desperate. i don’t know if it was everything piling up or me not being stable enough to offer anything to anyone… believing his words too fast… ignoring all the red flags… the way he was clearly hiding from something or someone… and then like three days ago i found out he has a girlfriend. it honestly destroyed me. i’ve never felt something like that. i felt powerless because i know he lied to both of us.

but anyway, that’s the short version of everything that’s been going on. my birthday’s in 9 days and i hope i can get myself together soon. during the holidays i wanna try writing again.