#tousaki

"We'll be meeting with the Suzuya squad tomorrow" Him on that meeting in question:

Oh yeah we have this dangerous ghoul that might be connected to the ghoul restaurant.. Anyway what about the pretty manager 🥰

His body was drenched with sweat, and looking in the mirror, he saw that his face was drained of all colour. He bit down on his trembling lips and splashed his face once more. It wasn’t pleasant, but it must be done, he told himself. After all, he needed to get stronger, and this was the quickest way of obtaining that needed power. It had to be worth it, he assured himself. If not, well...at the very least, he wasn’t digesting any human flesh. If it wasn’t for coffee, he was certain he would’ve lost his mind by now. 

Speaking of which, he heard a knock on the door, followed by Hinami’s small, sweet voice. “Onii-chan? I have a cup of coffee for you.” Opening the door, Kaneki slipped out of the room and quickly shut the door behind him. Hinami looked at him with inquisitive eyes, but she asked no questions. She instead smiled and held up the coffee for him to take. 

“Thank you, Hinami.” He smiled, taking a sip. It didn’t have the same flavour as the manager’s coffee, but knowing that it was made by Hinami was enough to make the coffee delicious in its own way. He chugged down half of the mug in one go, ignoring the heat, desperate to replace the taste that lingered on his lips.

“Careful, Onii-chan!” Hinami jumped. “It’s hot!”

“Thank you, Hinami. You’re as reliable as always.” He patted her head and though she did not respond, her eyes quickly turned to the ground. Maybe out of bashfulness, or perhaps…

Kaneki headed towards the training room, finishing the coffee with another gulp. The training room was empty, as usual, lit only with the evening sun. An orange glow enveloped the room and Kaneki’s silhouette stretched across the ground as he moved towards the mirrored wall. He wore only a tank top and some shorts, the blackness of his clothes only making him seem more pale in comparison. He looked like a ghost, he thought, examining his features. Though, at this point, he might as well be. Nothing about his past-self remained - even his body was completely different compared to how he was a few months ago. Where there used to be soft flesh was now hardened muscle, his body more lean and defined in its shape. His eyes, still a soft grey in its colour, were now sunken in, and with each passing day, he found himself looking gradually more tired. Still, he couldn’t say that was the biggest difference in his appearance. He reached up to his white hair, his nails still black from bruising. A seemingly permanent reminder of that day. 

The memories of that day always passed by like a speeding train, the intrusive force left by its passing enough to leave Kaneki breathless. Even with its sudden speed, the memory still remained vivid in his mind, and within a single moment, he’d find himself lost in whatever room he was in. It would always take him a short while to realise that, despite what his mind was telling him, he was no longer in that room of torture. And still, he would feel his breath against Kaneki’s neck, and more often than not, Kaneki would retreat to his room in hopes of finding some kind of refuge. 

But for the time being, he merely brushed the thought aside and ignored the rapid beating of his heart. He instead chose to press his nails into his arm, hoping the pain would be enough to bring him back down to the world of the living. He may look like a ghost now, but he still felt as if he was being haunted by his...victims? Could they be called that? Should they be called that? No, enough, Kaneki thought with a shake of his head, blood dripping down his arm. He watched the red droplet fall to the ground and splatter, and within seconds from moving his hand away, the cut on his arm closed itself up. 

“It doesn’t matter.” He whispered to himself. The room faded into darkness as the sun disappeared behind the towering buildings of Tokyo, a chill entering the darkened space. “It doesn’t matter.” A whimper escaped him and he crouched down, his head in his hands. “I’m sorry.” 

. . .

Kaneki woke up late the next morning. He had spent the night out with Banjou and Tsukiyama, though Hinami wasn’t told any details. It was rare for her to be involved in the missions they went on, and though she could understand the reasoning behind such decisions, she was restless by the thought of being left behind. There was something frightening in seeing the backs of her friends, their figures losing shape in the distance as they continued to walk further away from her. Even if she tried to reach out, she wouldn't be able to catch them - she was sure of that. So, what was she supposed to do? All she could do was be obedient to Kaneki’s orders, and deep down, she knew that it would do him no favours to go against them. It was the same reason why she wasn't being taken along in the first place; that is to say, she had nothing she could offer in terms of aid.

Though much time has passed since her mother's passing, she hasn't changed much in terms of power and maturity since then. She has tried, of course, but it was clear that not much has come about from those futile attempts. Her kagune was still too overwhelming for her to control, and her body was still petite and delicate. With that said, she also acknowledges that she wasn't completely useless. Her speciality - her sharp senses - still remained her one and only skill, and when in use, it was a useful skill to use. Particularly in the missions Kaneki went on. And yet, it clearly wasn't enough. 

As she mulled on such thoughts, she checked the time, anxiously glancing towards the front door as she did. It was already late in the evening, and the house remained empty. With each passing hour, the shadows across the walls stretched and grew, threatening to distinguish the dimming light hanging on the ceiling. Hinami pulled her legs up and wrapped her arms around them, her shoulders raised in suspense. 

More often than not, she contemplated calling Touka. Hinami has made herself the rule not to call too frequently, in fear that it would confirm Touka's own worries. Despite this rule, though, she couldn't deny that she craved the presence of her surrogate sister. A part of her wished that Kaneki had allowed Touka to come along, even if his reasoning was sound. It was too painful having to choose between one or the other, the distance between the two far greater than it may initially seem. She wasn’t exactly sure why they were no longer talking, especially since they both clearly miss each other. Perhaps she could encourage Kaneki to visit, or have Touka meet up with her and Kaneki in a cafe somewhere. No - the more she thought about it, the more insecure she felt. This was between them two, and no matter her intentions, she was in no position to interfere and meddle with their relationship, whatever that relationship may be. 

She sniffled and let out a small whimper, realising then how alone she was. She was stuck on the crossroads, with Kaneki and Touka walking along two different paths. Maybe those paths will find each other again, but Hinami was too afraid to tempt fate and decide which route to go down. Though she was following Kaneki at the moment, she was still struggling to decide whether or not she should continue to follow him. What was the right thing to do, she wondered.

After another hour, Kaneki and the others finally returned. They were all equally exhausted from their latest mission, and they collectively decided to postpone any further business until the next morning. Kaneki paused and noticed Hinami’s small figure on the corner of the couch. She was breathing slowly, a peaceful expression on her sleeping face. Banjou offered to bring her to bed, but Kaneki stepped forward and took her into his arms. She seemed so fragile and small in his arms, so much so that he was almost afraid of breaking her with his rough touch. He carried her slowly to her room and placed her gently into her bed, removing her slippers and lifting the covers over her. With a smile, he straightened and went to leave the room.

Just as he was about to leave, however, he noticed a photograph on Hinami’s bedside table. It was a photo of her, her mother and Touka. Hinami seemed a little younger than she was now and so did Touka, who was hugging Hinami from behind. Her mother looked just as Kaneki remembered her - a gentle woman with a gentle smile. He bit his lip and clenched his hand, the smell of her blood and the sound of her lifeless body hitting the ground still vividly imprinted onto his mind. He glanced back at Hinami and grimaced, a silent apology escaping his lips. And then he thought of Touka, as he often did, and he prayed that she was at least safe under the care of the manager. If he were to lose her...Well, he hardly wanted to imagine such a scenario. With his thoughts so often being filled with an unbearable amount of regret, even towards his decision to bring Hinami along, he was at least confident that it was right for him to keep Touka in the cafe. He wouldn’t be able to cope otherwise. 

He wondered where she was now, what she was doing, what she was thinking. And he continued to contemplate such thoughts as he went into his bedroom and onto his bed, the familiarity of her embarrassed scowl and crude words soothing him into a dreamless sleep. It was hard for him to deny that he wanted nothing more than to see her, and yet, he felt it right to deny himself such pleasures. After all, to involve himself in her life would only bring about more turmoil for her, and that thought alone was too terrible for him to bear.

. . . 

Hinami was alone once again. Time had passed, people came and went, and Tokyo was forever in flux. Even so, she was alone. The only difference was that she was no longer waiting for the return of her friends, for she had no friends in Aogiri. It was a heartless organisation, she found, the relationship and bonds between the other ghouls brittle and strained. There was only one thing that kept them together and that was the desire to see the CCG burn to the ground in a vengeful fire of justice. Hinami herself was not exactly invested in such goals; she supposed she should feel some sort of hatred towards those responsible for her parent’s deaths, but even now, she could not bring herself to hate those she had never known. Rather, she was influenced by Eto to join their crusade against the humans with the promise that their movement will give her the strength she sorely desires. With Kaneki gone and their group disbanded, and with Anteiku nothing more than rubble, she saw no alternative. It was hard to see her own reflection and deny the fact that it was due to her weakness that Kaneki and the others had failed, that everything she had once loved had been destroyed. How could she return to Touka with such burdens? It seemed unfair and it was Eto that confirmed these worries, reassuring her that Aogiri will solve this dilemma of hers. 

She supposed that Eto had not lied to her. After a few years amongst the toughened ghouls of Aogiri, she had greater control over her own body and mind and proved herself a worthy asset amongst the others under Eto’s command. Except...even with all of her newly trained and sharpened abilities, she could not bring herself to kill another. Tatara accepted no excuses and he stood by her, commanding her to murder whoever it was that was whimpering before her. When his patience began to simmer away, Ayato would step in and kick her away with a tut, killing the person in her place. Despite the throbbing pain in her stomach and the tears that threatened to fall from her eyes, she knew that Ayato had done her a great favour and she would go on to thank him with a coffee later on in the evening. 

He always showed her kindness in the strangest ways, she found. He watched over her carefully and protected her in his own way, and over time, Hinami grew fond of his presence. She still remembered their first interaction with a smile - how his angry scowl and foul-mouth reminded her of Touka in so many ways, and how after this first encounter, he was gentler when approaching her. They did not speak much and she could hardly say they were close, but she at least considered him something akin to an ally. She hoped that he saw her the same way. It was a nice thought she often indulged, knowing that maybe she was not as alone as she feared. 

For the time being, however, she thought it best to keep up her guard, to reject these fantasies in favour of the much more grim reality. It was a lesson she must drill into herself, she had told herself, no matter the pain it may cause her. The sacrifice of her happiness and comfort must be worth it, even if it meant being eternally alone.

. . .

Ayato took a sip of the bitter tasting coffee as he stared at the many roses that surrounded him. He grimaced and placed down the cup with a sigh. It lacked the gentle aroma and sweetened taste of Hinami’s coffee, the bitterness a reminder that she was still imprisoned in the CCG prison. He leaned his head back and shut his eyes, praying to no one in particular that she was still alive, that she wasn’t being tortured by some white-coat freak. It was not knowing that pained him the most, that and the thought that he was responsible for this situation to begin with. He was supposed to protect and watch over her, he often thought during these moments. If she dies, he knew all too well that her blood would be on his hands. Washing the thought away with another sip of coffee, he stood and frowned. No, he thought, he would not let it get to that point. He refused.

He left the greenhouse and walked along the shoreline, his mind racing with the various plans he had been putting together for the past two months. They were all suicide missions, he knew, and without the support of Tatara and the others, he was left with little to work with. But he refused to abandon her, he couldn’t, even if he was ordered to do so. It was ironically intimidating in its own way - ignoring an order. He rebelled against Touka by joining Aogiri, but that rebellious spirit of his had died down over the years and soon enough, he found himself comfortably obedient under Tatara’s commands. He had no love for humans, least of all the CCG, but his place in Aogiri was no longer defined by that hatred. Even when following Eto and Tatara on their mission, he was no more than a soldier, a dog, responding to the orders of his masters. And now...now he was once again a rebellious teenager doing what it was he wanted. It was indeed intimidating, but in a way, also exhilarating. Regardless, this was not for his sake and he could no longer afford to be embarrassed by the fact that he cared deeply for the timid, crying girl that he wanted to call his friend. His ally. 

It was perhaps the only reason why he found the courage to contact Touka again. 

. . .

I want to ask you something next time I visit.

Haise had bashfully spoken these words to Touka the last time he came by her cafe. His usually pale cheeks were flushed and he kept his eyes away from hers as he stumbled over his own words. A bashful smile grew on his lips as he spoke and with a gentle politeness, and Touka told him that she was looking forward to whatever it was he wanted to ask. 

Except, three months have now passed and he has not shown up since. The winter was beginning to end, Christmas came by and went, and Touka was beginning to lose hope of seeing him again. It was selfish, she knew, to crave these visits, knowing that it was best for him to stay away from the past that once caused him so much pain. And still, whenever she saw those familiar, light-grey eyes of his, and heard that lighthearted voice that reminded her so much of the days they once spent together in Anteiku, she yearned to have him nearby. She wanted him to remember her, at least. No, that was asking for too much, and she was sure to remind herself this each time he came up in her thoughts. It was just painful, having to accept these changes that she had no power or control over. It was a reminder that she cannot live without loss. 

Though Haise’s presence, his mere existence, was proof of that, she could not find it within herself to turn him away and keep her distance. If not that, then to at least act aloof. It was how he looked at her that made her pause, that made her hesitate. He looked at her with so much admiration, finding any excuse to strike up a conversation with her. He even visited the cafe alone, away from the eyes of his subordinates, and kept her company during the more quiet hours of the evening. It occurred to her that she had seen these eyes before, many years ago when he was just a human enjoying the mundane pleasures of human life; those eyes that now look upon Touka once looked at Rize, before the tragedy took away the tranquility from his life. She tried to deny it at first, insisting that he was simply being friendly, but when she thought about the alternative meaning, her heart fluttered with immense joy. How could she deny that his liking of her made her happy? How could she possibly say otherwise? She tried to fight against it, of course, but every visit he made only confirmed her suspicions. It was as painful as it was heartwarming. Needless to say, she was sure to keep these thoughts to herself. 

It wasn’t until late April that Haise made an appearance again. He came alone to the shop late in the evening and with a timid apology, he asked if the shop was still open. He must have known that it was around the time that Touka would usually clean up and close the cafe, but she was unwilling to send him away after all this time. She smiled and told him that he’ll be her last customer for the day. At this, he gave her a smile that made her heart leap - the kind of smile that could light up any dark room, and that alone made his visit worthwhile. As he entered the shop, she noticed that he looked somewhat different: his darker strands were beginning to drown out his white hair and he seemed more...tired, his cheeks more gaunt. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around lately. I know I said I was going to ask you something last time I visited, but things came up.” He sat down on the stool opposite Touka, who stood behind the counter. She was already brewing him his coffee. “Every time I thought I had spare time, someone else needed me for something else-- ah, well, no use complaining. Please forgive me.” 

He bowed his head, a distinct regret in his tone. From what she has heard from others, Touka knew of recent CCG ongoings and how they had raided the ghoul auction that those clowns were hosting. She also heard that Hinami had been taken as a prisoner when Aogiri interfered, and that it was Haise that had saved her. There were so many things she could tell Haise at this moment and show him how much she understood. She wanted to both slap and hug him, to berate him and thank him. So many words lay on the tip of her tongue, but in the end, she knew better. 

“Please, don’t worry. I just hope that you’ve been okay.” She finally said as she poured him a mug of coffee. He looked up with relief and took a deep breath, his hands grasping each other on the counter. “So,” she passed the coffee to him, “what was it you wanted to ask?”

His face turned pink at this question and he laughed nervously in response, taking a sip of her coffee. “W-Well, you see…” He gulped and Touka smiled patiently. “I wanted to ask...how do you make such delicious coffee!” He laughed as he raised the mug, his other hand rubbing his chin. Touka’s smile faltered for a moment and she shrugged. 

“I used to work at a different cafe.” She said, her voice tinged with pain. “He made wonderful coffee back then. He’s gone now.” She sighed and looked up, Haise flushed with embarrassment. “I try my best to make my coffee just as he did.”

“I see.” Haise coughed awkwardly and took another gulp of coffee, his brows furrowed. “Kirishima-san.” He looked up now with some determination. “Forgive me, that wasn’t the question I wanted to ask. I was going to ask if you had...plans for Christmas, but - ah, well, it’s too late for that.” He scratched the back of his head nervously, his blush still apparent. To his surprise, Touka began to laugh and at first, he was ashamed and began to shrink away, defeated. 

“That’s so sweet of you.” She said through her laughter, and soon enough, Haise began to laugh along. But as she laughed, her eyes began to water, and before Haise could notice, she turned away to wipe away her tears. 

“Kirishima-san?” Haise said with some nervousness, worried he may have upsetted her. 

“I’m sorry, it’s just,” she sniffed, “that really was so sweet of you.” She wanted to call him Kaneki, she wanted him to remember and to call her the way he used to. At times, she wondered if there was some larger deity out there mocking her with these precious interactions, or perhaps this was her fault for letting him inside when she should have sent him away. The line between what she should and should not do was always blurred, but now she could not see the line at all. His comfort was all she wanted and yet, that was something she should no longer expect if he were to live a happier life. 

She turned back after wiping her tears and apologised once again. With some hesitation, Haise reached out and placed a hand on top of hers, assuring her that there was no need to apologise. His touch was warm and gentle, his words a gentle caress. They remained that way for a moment before they both pulled away nervously. 

“I hope I’m not overstepping your boundaries.” Haise confessed, finishing his coffee. “I’ve been feeling guilty about it for a while, I hope I haven’t offended you.”

“Of course not.” She brushed back her fringe and looked at him with both eyes, taking in his appearance once more and hoping that she may see it again in her dreams. “If you’d like, maybe we can do something during the summer. Maybe attend a festival together.” 

“Y-Yes! That sounds wonderful! Hopefully my schedule will be free, but I’d very much like that.” 

After talking for a few more minutes, he paid for his drink and left. It took all that Touka had to let him leave and once she saw him turn the corner in the street, the tears began to flow. She crouched down behind the counter and sobbed, leaning her head back against the wall as the warm tears rolled down her cheeks. Squeezing her eyes shut, she reached up and held her parent’s wedding ring, its weight heavy in the palm of her hand. With a small, sorrowful voice, she called out for them, pleading for their guidance. A part of her wished that Haise had never met her to begin with, that fate will keep them forever apart as long as he was happy, but she knew that she would hate nothing more than to never see him again. It pained her to think that she’ll never see those eyes again, those eager eyes filled with nothing but affection. If he wasn’t going to remember her, what was the point of it all? She wiped away her tears with a clenched fist and slammed it down onto the floor with a grunt.