#tougo

NO!!

Osomatsu’s eyes flew open and he sat bolt upright, drenched in sweat and chest rising and falling erratically as he panted for breath. He couldn’t get enough oxygen in his lungs, the air catching in his throat as he gasped desperately. His eyes darted frantically around the dark room, his hands clenched into fists as he tightly gripped the futon.

I’m…I’m home, he realized, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness and he could focus on his surroundings again. He was in his bedroom, comfortable and safe, just as he had been when he’d fallen asleep hours ago. On either side of him, his brothers slept soundly, breathing softly (save for Jyushimatsu, snoring as loudly as ever).

Slowly Osomatsu eased his vice-like grip on the blanket and exhaled a shaky sigh, his shoulders sagging with relief. His heart was still pounding, his head still racing with horrifying images, but at least now he knew none of it had happened. None of it was real.

“It was just a dream,” he whispered to himself in reassurance. “Just…just a dream. A horrible, horrible dream…”

But…it had felt so real. Real enough where his chest still seized with panic when he remembered the dream, still so fresh and vivid in his mind. He swallowed hard, squeezing his eyes shut, trying to block out the haunting visions that plagued him.

He jumped when he felt someone move beside him, stirring under the futon.

“Osomatsu…?” It was Choromatsu, his voice groggy and quiet. He propped himself up on one elbow, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Why are you awake? It’s the middle of the night.”

Shit. He’d hoped he could pull himself together and fall back asleep without waking his brothers. He wasn’t prepared to explain to them what had happened.

“No reason,” Osomatsu lied, struggling to keep his voice even. “I think a noise from outside must have startled me awake…probably just the wind.”

Choromatsu sat up all the way, regarding Osomatsu with a slight frown. “I don’t hear anything.”

“Oh, well, it must have stopped.” Osomatsu shrugged nonchalantly. Or at least, he tried to be nonchalant. His shoulders jerked up tensely, and he was aware he was talking too fast.

“Osomatsu, are you okay?” Choromatsu sounded genuinely concerned now, his frown deepening. “Look, you’re shaking like a leaf. Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine. Just…cold. Aren’t you cold, Choro?”

“Would you please shut up over there?” a voice suddenly groused from the other end of the futon, as Todomatsu slowly woke up, too. He sat up in bed, lifting his eye mask onto his forehead and shooting the two older brothers an irritated glare. “I’m trying to get my beauty rest, and I can’t do that with you two blabbing all night long.”

“Get over yourself, Todomatsu,” Choromatsu snapped, shooting him a harsh glare. “I think something’s wrong with Osomatsu, but he won’t tell me what.”

“I said I’m fine,” Osomatsu insisted, gritting his teeth. “I just had a weird dream, that’s all. It’s no big deal.”

“Hmm? What’re you talking about?” Karamatsu mumbled drowsily, eyelids fluttering open as the commotion woke him up, too. “What dream…?”

“Just some stupid dream that woke Osomatsu up, and is now waking everyone else up,” Todomatsu responded flippantly. “Probably something ridiculous like Totoko actually asking him out or something.”

Karamatsu pushed himself up, regarding Osomatsu with worry. “Was it a nightmare?”

“No. It was just a dumb dream. Why is everyone harassing me over it?”

“If it was nothing, then why are you still shaking?” Choromatsu wanted to know, his tone more accusing than he probably meant it to be.

“I said I was cold!”

“If he says he’s cold, he’s probably just cold,” Todomatsu said dismissively. “Why don’t you just leave it at that so the rest of us can get some sleep?”

Before anyone could respond, the bedroom light flickered on, flooding the room with a sudden bright light that made everyone wince. They turned to find Ichimatsu standing by the door, his hand still on the light switch, his half-lidded gaze boring immediately into Osomatsu. No one had noticed him wake up and slink silently out of the bed.

“Quit lying,” he grumbled, crossing his arms. “Why don’t you ever just tell us when something is bothering you?”

“Because…because it’s none of your business, Ichimatsu!” Osomatsu said defiantly. He hated feeling ambushed like this, like he’d just been shoved into a spotlight he wasn’t ready for. “It was just a bad dream, okay? I wasn’t scared, so just drop it already!”

“Ahh, Nii-san had a bad dream?” Great, now Jyushimatsu was awake too, to witness the interrogation.

“Yes, and apparently it’s become everyone else’s problem now, too,” Todomatsu sighed in frustration, whipping off his sleep mask. “Just tell us what it was about already so we can settle this and go back to sleep.”

“It was stupid,” Osomatsu answered flatly, fixating his gaze on his knees beneath the futon. “Just some dumb, twisted dream. It wasn’t even a thing that can actually happen, anyway. I wasn’t scared by it. Seriously.”

“One wouldn’t have been jolted from a peaceful night’s slumber were it an ordinary dream, Osomatsu,” Karamatsu pointed out lightly. “There has to be some reason it woke you up…something you’re hiding from us?”

“And no one is going back to bed until you confess,” Ichimatsu stated, planting himself right across from Osomatsu, arms still folded across his chest. “You don’t want all of us to be tired and cranky by tomorrow because of you, do you?”

“No fair, that’s a guilt card,” Osomatsu muttered.

“Osomatsu…” Choromatsu’s voice was suddenly a little gentler than before. “Come on, we’re just trying to help. If you don’t just tell us, we can’t do that. We won’t laugh or anything.”

Osomatsu couldn’t bring himself to meet Choromatsu’s gaze, focused intensely on the blanket as he blinked hard. To his humiliation, tears were starting to gather in his eyes.

Karamatsu placed a hand on his shoulder. “Osomatsu…?”

“….it was about him again.” There. Osomatsu had finally said it.

Todomatsu’s eyebrows furrowed together. “Who…?”

“You know…” Osomatsu gulped back the lump in his throat. “T-Tougo.” He couldn’t even say the name without feeling like his tongue was being burned.

“Oh….oh no,” Choromatsu whispered knowingly. “Did he…what did he do this time?”

Osomatsu shook his head slightly, starting to tremble all over again. “He…he…” He drew in a deep breath that rattled in his throat. “You guys…h-he hurt you. All of you. And made me watch. And I couldn’t…I couldn’t do anything to save you in time…”

The tears spilled from his eyes then, pouring down his cheeks and landing on the futon. His brothers didn’t know how to react at first—Todomatsu now bit his lip guiltily, realizing his behavior earlier had been unjustified, and even Ichimatsu’s expression softened.

“I don’t…I don’t want anything to happen to you…t-to have anyone hurt you,” Osomatsu went on, wiping his eyes with the sleeve of his pajamas. “Because if anything happened…I don’t know what I’d do…”

Suddenly Choromatsu leaned in, wrapping his arms around Osomatsu in a hug. “It’s okay, Osomatsu,” he said softly. “Nothing is going to happen to us, I promise. Tougo isn’t going to come back here, we’ll never see him again. It was just a dream.”

“B-but it felt real…” Osomatsu buried his face against Choromatsu’s shoulder.

“Dreams feel like that a lot,” Karamatsu reminded him, as he joined in the hug, holding Osomatsu close. “That’s what makes them so terrifying.”

“Yeah…remember when I used to have nightmares almost every night?” Todomatsu chimed in, moving closer to join the protective huddle around Osomatsu as well. “They were so lifelike and scary, I didn’t want to sleep at night. But they always pass, even the worst of them. Also…there’s no shame in just admitting you’re scared, either, Osomatsu.”

“I guess…I dunno. I thought I was being weak, letting myself freak out so much…” Osomatsu’s voice trailed off. “And…I didn’t want to bother you guys, either.”

“Don’t be stupid. We care about you too, you know.” That was about as close to sentimental as anyone could expect from Ichimatsu. He shuffled over and joined the hug, too, without the usual resistance to affection everyone was used to from him.

“That’s right! We can protect you from the bad dreams, Osomatsu-niisan!” It was Jyushimatsu’s turn to join the huddle, his hug tight and supportive. “Just like we know you’ll always protect us!”

That last part made Osomatsu want to break down in a sob again. In his dream, he hadn’t been able to do that…he could only gape helplessly at his brothers, being tormented and hurt. He’d felt like the worst big brother ever, not being able to save his own little brothers, and the thought of that happening in real life was too much to bear.

But it won’t happen…it can’t possibly happen, and you know that. They’ll always be able to count on you, just like you can on them. Nothing bad will ever happen.

Maybe that was delusional thinking. Something bad could happen, even if it wasn’t his nightmare come true. And he couldn’t guarantee he could always be right by his brothers’ sides. But at least telling himself as much made him feel marginally better.

“Thanks, guys…” he whispered hoarsely, burrowing more snuggly into their embrace.

It goes without saying they were all absolutely devastated, that it was a traumatic event and they were in mourning for a long time.

Karamatsu:

Karamatsu felt absolutely torn, so wracked with grief while at the same time feeling he needed to step in as the oldest for his brothers’ sake. He shifted gradually into the position, feeling like he was trying to fill a role he wasn’t meant to be in, not wanting to be seen as a replacement but knowing his brothers needed someone to look up to. As a result he matured faster than the others, always trying to set a good example and putting their needs before his own, even at the risk of his mental health sometimes. He frequently had nightmares about Tougo returning and taking away another brother, leaving him feeling as if he’s failed and that Osomatsu would be disappointed in him. He eventually began seeing a therapist, and while it’s helped he still can’t shake the horrible feeling that something could still happen to one of his brothers again.

Choromatsu:

Choromatsu blamed himself for Osomatsu’s death, since he was the closest to him and felt he should’ve been aware something was going on. Even though everyone tried to comfort him, telling him there was no way he could’ve prevented this from happening, he still felt so guilty for not protecting his brother that he started neglecting taking care of himself because he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He saw a therapist as well, and while it helped him some he still can’t shake his feelings of guilt, even years later as an adult. It’s also caused him to be incredibly protective of his brothers, to the point of being almost overbearing, but he doesn’t realize this. Out of all the brothers, he’s the one who visits Osomatsu’s grave the most often, bringing flowers and often staying for a bit to idly chat, hoping his brother can hear him.

Ichimatsu:

Ichimatsu was in denial at first, refusing to believe that his own brother was dead. Even when he finally accepted it, it felt unreal to him, like he was no longer living his own life but walking through a stranger’s shoes. He didn’t cry as much as the other brothers, feeling too numb with shock to shed tears. Over time he became more distanced and withdrawn, barely speaking unless he had to and doing the minimum of what he needed to get by in school. His family tried to reach out to him, but he made himself pull back, not wanting to get too close to anyone else, always secretly fearing they’d be taken too abruptly from him, too. He refused to go to therapy even when his brothers tried to insist upon it, preferring to keep to himself entirely..

Jyushimatsu:

Jyushimatsu was also in denial at first, but unlike Ichimatsu he cried openly and wanted to be as close to his brothers as possible. Over time he felt like it was up to him to try lifting their moods, having been branded as the “cheerful” one even in childhood, and began masking his heartbreak with a smile for the sake of his brothers. He remained as optimistic as possible, trying to convince himself and others that everything was going to be okay, while concealing his true feelings. He tries not to let on any negative emotions and pretends to be fine even when questioned, not wanting anyone to worry about him. Some nights, though, the pressure of having to be the chipper one becomes too much for him, and he slips out of the house to take a walk and find a quiet place to cry. Only Ichimatsu has any idea how he really feels, and vows to keep it secret.

Todomatsu: