#tougher

When we speak colloquially of hardness, toughness, and strength, we often conflate the three, but to pull apart the definitions is to understand that there are many ways to resist the forces of change and harm, and many circumstances in which one and not another is called for. I went to metal for the same reasons I went everywhere else: to try to rebuild myself as a creature impervious to damage. To live with the reality that I am made of a soft center, that I am delicate and sensitive and utterly available for harm at every moment of every day, was unbearable to me, and so I tried to disprove this fundamental fact of existence. I tried so hard, until I had to admit to myself that it was impossible, that there is no way to be a human without being vulnerable to hurt. To be a soft thing was my greatest fear, and greatest shame, but it was true all along—the great awakening, for me, was not in becoming ever harder, tougher, stronger. It was, instead, in becoming brave enough to look my softness in the eye.

 As we narrow a closing chapter to this year. It’s rough not to mention it was difficult. Struggles, hair plucking distress with frightening changes in unpredictability. My declaration is my code to take every past, all pain of the latter, and breathe just a little bit more in memories sake continuing the lives that parted by honor all they tried to show me or provide in making me effectively better. Their effect, efforts, never failed in reaching me. Ingraining to constantly providing a productiveness to my mind. An appreciation and love that could only ever be really genuinely richly weighted by my heart in palm. Missed out talking about thanksgiving this year, but I’ve gratitude for every single person who’s given me a place to vent, to include me in attempts, to whose even hurt me intentionally or otherwise far in distant window’s of echoed past. -- All of it. Has made me stronger finding peace and harmony cause I know there’s a place to confine in somewhere even in solitude’s lonesome reflection. We’re often considered linked to Hope, us humans beings and flesh we may be factually, easy to scrape and shed at us where our hope is met with crushing succession. Despite although, we can reassuringly be attributed for is our endurance to in trying times banding together to solve even which seems meaninglessly futile and unreachable. I’ve never been stellar at saying goodbyes. Cause I work so hard in working to reach a point worth saying hello again to me that’s where my destination is. And should I have to say adieu, then I hope since we’ve the power to choose what severity we take-in or what drowns us, that I achieved enough to fill more good than anything else. That’s not something I can decide or know. However in control of everything regarding myself. I am so privileged of using my sight to read such fellow and superb talents, artist, creators, visionaries, that aspire to discover myself. To hear every new strum of life and resonating souls. In eternal memories, In brightening living, So until we say hello for whether the first time or again, no matter the pivot on the pendulum, hugs, love, I’ll search for you forward and onward.                                                                                                                                                                                                ~ CKS & Zach

thursday

Didn’t have time to post yesterday but did get in a morning 12 miler in the park before heading into work for a late shift.  Tired but good, the chilly temps woke me up.