#tomato paste

A dog eating a tomato

The audacity of this chump. If ever you feel like you're stealing a living, like you should be contributing more to society, if the productivity guilt of late-stage capitalism gnaws away, insidiously, at the edges of your conscience, cast your mind back to this footage. Munching on the crop like he pays the bills.

A dog eating a tomato? A dog stealing a tomato? That is the question on everybody's lips this Wednesday, October 18.

It's so easy. Just boil bones in a slow cooker, remove the bones, throw in whatever you want in it and leave the slow cooker for lik 5 hours and you're done. It's bliss....

....

pizza soup: very unhealthy but even more delicious

get a ceramic mug. any mug as long as it's microwave safe and ceramic.

next get tomato paste. put in a good amount of tomato paste, probably one or two heaping spoonfuls.

boil some water and put it in there with the tomato paste, enough to turn it into thinner tomato paste soup-ish substance that should not be too watery.

here's the fun part: s h r e d d e d c h e e s e. about a handful. a good rule of thumb is three parts tomato paste soup substance to one part c h e e s y goodness. (so like the amount of c h e e s e should be one-third the amount of soup-equivalent) use the type of c h e e s e you'd put on a pizza, like parmesan. also, if you taste it and cannot handle the c h e e s e, feel free to add less next time - maybe one-quarter.

then add as much butter as your heart desires (but one or two spoonfuls usually does the trick)

then... microwave!!!

tomato stuff tends to get A N G E R Y in the microwave, so put a paper plate or something similar on top so it doesn't spit. hit that add minute button and watch it spin!

after a minute is over, or when it sounds like a battlefield, or when you think it's ready, carefully take it out of the microwave and stir it with a metal spoon. this is very important. plastic spoons cannot handle the sheer awesomeness (um actually it's the extremely high temperature) (shut up nerd) sheer awesomeness of this magnificent concoction, and they will warp and melt and defile your marvelous creation with the curse of microplastics. use a metal spoon.

anyway you stir it with a metal spoon to diffuse the butter and see if all the cheese is dissolved into the soup. if all the cheese is not dissolved into the soup and you want it to be dissolved into the soup... microwave again!!! put the plate on, hit the add minute button, and spin right along with it! you deserve it, you wonderful being, you! if the cheese is not all dissolved into the soup and you do not want it to be dissolved into the soup, then eat it how you want to eat it. i won't judge.

anyway once the cheese is dissolved you stir one last time and you eat it. carefully. it's hot. dip some bread in and eat the bread. put noodles in. do whatever you want with it. it's your soup.

you are finished! hooray!

other ingredients you might or might not add to make it more flavorful: garlic, olive oil, basil, cilantro or oregano.

other ingredients you probably shouldn't add: uranium, SCP-447-A, dilithium crystals, carcosan champagne (unless you're above 21), or the entire flux capacitor.

this can be made dairy-free. i know this because i am dairy-free. i have never made this with dairy ingredients.

the end.