#tom h

You were now walking towards the cafeteria in search of her, coincidentally running into a strong figure. Looking up, you saw Tom, dressed in a tight-fitting white t-shirt and some worn-out blue jeans that had no business looking as good as they did on him, clearing his throat. He smiled at you sheepishly, the left side of his mouth turning up lazily, apologizing, "Sorry! I was just looking for Alana, didn't see you there."

"You never do," you mumbled to yourself before clearing your throat, and saying clearly," I was actually going to look for her as well."

"Mind if I tag along?" he asked, his pink lips pulling to one side as he shifted on his feet. Tearing your eyes away from him, you nodded as nonchalantly as you could, taking lead as you walked on.

He let out a satisfied sigh, walking alongside you. When you had finally spotted Alana sharing a bench with someone from afar, you raised your hand to wave at her, your mouth opening to call her name. But before you could utter a single word, as though in slow motion, you watched her lean into the person sitting next to her, leaving a sound kiss on their lips.

You turned to the side to look at Tom immediately. Pretty, heartbroken Tom, who looked like he had just been sucker-punched, had no air left in his lungs as he dry-heaved at the sight, his eyes watery and no trace of his previous smile on his face.

"Tommy..." you said, outstretching an arm towards him. He shook his head firmly, turning in the opposite direction to run as quickly as he possibly could. You tried to follow him, losing him only when you were pushed past by what looked like a group of frat guys that were playing around.

You yelled his name, asking some people that were around if they'd seen him. Pausing in your step, you realised exactly where he'd be. He would always go to the old bench near the drama building on campus to clear his mind whenever he was stressed or just needed some quiet. He'd told you this once in one of the tamer parties that Alpha Nu had organised.

With a quicker pace, you started walking towards the building, running up hastily until you were a few steps away, contemplating how you would handle this. Not wanting to lose your courage, you took the last few steps to him, treading lightly until you stopped just behind him. He held his head in his hands. "Tom? Can I…” you trailed off, not knowing what you were asking of him.

You heard a grunt which wasn't a definite yes, but not a no either, you noted, and so, you crossed the distance between the two of you, taking the seat next to him.

You gently patted his shoulder. "Hey."

"Hi," he said his voice hoarse enough for you to know he had been swallowing his sobs.

"Do you want to talk about it? I know you're hurting-"

"No, you don't!" he yelled, turning around so you could finally see how bloodshot his eyes were, "You have no idea how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back! I'm in love with her, have been my whole life, and she- she's kissing someone-" His words were choked towards the ending and it pained you to see him so heartbroken, even if it was over your own sister.

"I'm sorry, Tom, I don't know what to say right now," you said honestly, squeezing his shoulder.

"I just thought, at some point, she'd see me, y’know? Finally. And that we'd actually be something." his voice cracked painfully,” I’m so pathetic.”

“No, you aren’t,” you rushed to defend him, meeting his watery eyes, "Look, Tom, if she doesn't see you, it's her damn loss. Anyone would be lucky to have you," you said earnestly, cupping his cheek as you wiped the tears off with your thumbs. He nuzzled his face into your hand with his eyes closed as you continued, "I mean, look at you! You're so amazing and funny and kind and anyone who has you in their life has to be thankful."

His eyes opened to meet yours, wide and doe-like in their post-teary state, and in the blink of an eye, he surged forward, his lips colliding with yours with such fervour that you were sure your heart missed a beat. Or a couple of them. You melted into him for a few, long moments, your lips pushing against each other perfectly before your brain processed anything other than the warmth between your bodies, languid and slow. 

You rested your arms on his chest, pushing him away with all your strength as you move yourself away from him on the small bench. You heaved loudly, heart pounding in your ears in deafening thuds, as you watched him through hazy eyes.

It was true that you'd dreamed of this, wishing it to happen for all the years that you’d known him, but this wasn't the way you wanted it to be.

You breathed out loudly, voice sounding alien and miles underwater even to yourself," You're vulnerable right now, Tom, this is wrong," you tried to explain yourself,” I’m sorry-”

"I know, I'm sorry, that was wrong of me," he cut in with a sigh, wrapping his arms around himself, curling into himself in a pitiful stance, and for his sake you let yourself stop freaking out about the kiss long enough to comfort him. You scooted forward, pulling him into a comforting embrace, hoping the way you hugged him made up for the amount of pain he was going through.

You were so busy making sure that his hurt didn't scar him to notice that you were bleeding to death. 

That night you went to sleep, your mind swirling with thoughts of the boy with the dark eyes and the soft lips (which you now knew from actual experience). It was not until a few days later that you actually encountered him again, having made adequate efforts to keep away from him for the sake of his pride and your heart.

You had just passed by your sister and her boyfriend, Eddie (whom she’d finally introduced you to) and were making your way to the campus library when you saw Tom walking the opposite way, looking distracted. You gave him a small smile when your eyes met and with a gasp, you realised that he was going to run into your sister and Eddie if he walked past you.

You contemplated your options before deciding that sparing his feelings was more important than avoiding any encounter with him because of your stupid feelings. Besides, it wasn’t like you could avoid him forever. You literally lived next to each other and studied at the same university.

You approached him, plastering on the friendliest, least awkward smile that you could muster.

"Hi," he waved, awkwardly.

"Have you done the Intro to Economics essay yet? It's supposed to be how long?" you did your best to look confused, "That topic is really confusing, isn't it?"

"Oh uh, I haven't started yet. I think it's supposed to be around 2 thousand words? or so? It is very confusing yeah," he trailed off thoughtfully before saying, "Want to do it together?"

"Sure, in the library?" you smiled, glad to have distracted him from walking into the very thing that had turned him into a walking ghost. After that day, you might not have had any interaction with him, but you did notice him. Not that you were stalking him or anything… just keeping an eye on him.

He’d lost his usual sunny, flirty demeanour, flitting through classes silently, preferring to stick to his own company even when his friends jostled his shoulder or tried to include him in their conversations.

You sat in one of the corner tables of the library, a few reference books lying open as you struggled to tear your eyes away from Tom's when he started explaining one of the topics to you.

"...So, that signifies the law of diminishing supply. Got it?" he questioned, raising that cute, wolf brow of his.

You shook yourself out of the daze and nodded, fumbling with your pen mindlessly. "Yeah, I understood it, yeah." He chuckled, a soft and fluttery sound that made your heart clench, pushing a strand of your hair behind your ear. You leaned into his touch, your eyes falling close on their own accord as his fingers traced your jaw with a featherlight touch.

He smiled to himself a little, before leaning forward and kissing you with every ounce of passion he could muster. You kissed back with all that and more, all your feelings pouring into it. You pulled away, both of you breathless before he pulled you back into another sweet kiss, his hand on your jaw, tracing mindless patterns onto your skin there.

Soon, stolen kisses in the dark corners of the library turned into holding hands, exchanging looks and blushing smiles everywhere. It wasn't as though you were completely oblivious though. You for the most part knew that to him, you were barely a replacement for your sister. Whether he knew it himself or not. But you took it. You didn’t know if it made you a masochist or a terrible person, but you took everything he gave you.

Each kiss pulled you closer to him, and every word he said to you when he looked into your eyes filled your head and heart with him until there was nothing else there, him with his honey eyes and tufts of dark hair that looked almost golden in the sunlight. Loving him was easy, intoxicatingly so and you lost all your senses to it until the only remaining thing was him.

You had often noticed how his affection for you increased tenfold any time the two of you came across your sister and Eddie, sometimes unbearably so and you would feel the need to turn away for a minute to blink away the building pressure in your eyes, plastering a fake smile that soon enough became more common on your face than your real one.

Before you knew it, you'd been together like this for four months. Four suffocating months that you couldn't bring an end to because of your love for him, and it was finally Christmas. Your parents had asked both you and your sister to bring along your boyfriends to spend the holidays with and Tom had jumped at the chance the moment you brought it up.

Now you were standing at your front door, giving Tom a hug with a nervous smile. He pulled away from you, his eyes roaming as much of the room as he could see, evidently looking for somethi- someone.

You heard your mum shout," Y/n, darling, is he here?" 

You yelled back in the affirmative, hand slipping into Tom's on instinct as you walked him inside. Your mum gave the two of you a quick once-over, nodding approvingly when she saw his hand held in yours comfortably.

You shook your head with a smile as your father stepped in with your sister.

You glanced at Tom, who was conversing with your parents with an easy smile, giving them both friendly hugs, and making charming quips here and there but not without stealing secretive looks at your sister.

You sighed deeply, eyes falling to the floor when you saw him turn to her next, with a beaming smile, one so love-filled, it made you want to sob until you had no more tears left in you to humanly cry.

"So, where is he, by the way?" he asked referring to your sister's boyfriend. He looked nonchalant but you knew by the look in his eyes that he was anything but.

"Oh," your sister chuckled shortly, shrugging "We broke up a couple of days ago, actually. Figured that we wanted different things, so."

Tom's eyes gave it all away even though he expertly schooled his face to keep the smile in, glancing your way but you averted your gaze before he could catch you. "Oh, I'm sorry. I was looking forward to properly meeting him." 

Lie.

Your mum called out," Let's take this party to the dining table, shall we?" Making idle chatter, you were now sitting at the table on one side of Tom while your sister was sitting on his other side. He had his hand on your knee as he spoke to her. You were sure this gesture was to remind himself who he was with, and had absolutely nothing to do with any comforting feelings that come with being in a relationship with someone.

He stayed at your house for a few days until New Year's, popping by his own house for quick visits during the day and spending the rest with your family, and by this point, you had gotten used to waking up to an empty bed and walking to the kitchen to the sight of your boyfriend having a cup of tea with the girl he actually loved.

And at this point, you had nothing left in you. No tears, no more hurt because your heart was numb. The love you had for him was slowly drowning you and you couldn't breathe. It hurt. It hurt so much that you didn't even feel it even anymore. You were numb.

"They get along well, don't they?" your mum piped up from beside you as you stood, watching Tom and Alana from the entrance of the kitchen. You nodded sullenly and plastered a fake smile on, walking inside.

"Morning," you greeted, and you received synchronised greetings back before the two of them burst out laughing, saying incoherent things. You tuned everything out, trying to clear your head.

You met your mum's eyes from across the table and averted your gaze from her knowing eyes. Managing to get through breakfast without much interaction with anyone, you thought you had escaped but soon enough, your mom cornered you. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, Mum, why wouldn't I be?" you said, faking another smile, but barely managing a grimace in front of the woman who’d raised you.

"I don't want to have to spell it out for you, Y/n. If he doesn't make you happy, you need to let him go. You look miserable all the time and it's killing me to see you like this, honey."

"I love him," you said firmly, raising your eyes to hers.

"I don't doubt that. But does he?"

Your mom's words stayed in your mind most of the day and it was soon time to take pictures, and the matching pyjamas were all ready, you and Tom standing by the fireplace as your dad brought out the polaroid camera.

You smiled for the camera, stepping closer to Tom on your mum's wishes. There was a loud flash and your dad handed you the polaroid. You waited for it to develop as you stayed in his warm grasp. When the picture finally developed, you saw his hand around your waist, a cheesy smile on his face as his eyes crinkled. You smiled equally cheesily, leaning into his arms. You put the picture aside safely, just its sight making you equally smiley and sick.

Your sister stepped into the room in her own holiday pyjamas and twirled around with a grin," How do I look?"

Your parents gave her their usual compliments and you gave her a quick thumbs up paired with a smile, your posture stiffening when you heard his voice mumble, "Perfect," from next to you. He cleared his throat saying louder," Really good."

You couldn't take it anymore. You couldn't watch your boyfriend fawn over your sister like she was the only girl in the world while you were right there. 

Later that night, you gave him the last kiss you would ever give him under the mistletoe, pouring everything in you to make it a final goodbye. You were sure there was a tear or two slipping down your face, but you didn't care as you made the moment last. Finally pulling away, you wiped your tears away quickly, ignoring his concerned eyes and raised eyebrows.

Pulling him by the hands, you called him into your bedroom and he stood there, hands in his cheesy holiday pyjama pockets, waiting for whatever you had to say.

"I think you should go home," you said plainly, your voice void of any emotion.

"I- huh? What-" He asked, his face the very embodiment of confusion.

You sighed sadly," I don't want to do this, Tom, I really don't."

“What are you talking about?” He remained clueless, running his fingers through his hair.

“I can’t,” you swallowed,” We can’t do this anymore. It hurts to do this. So much. But I just-”

He tried to pause you, taking your hands into his. "Then don't do it, baby, please. Was it something I did? You can't do this, I love yo-"

"Don't," you cut him off, pulling your hands out of his," You don't get to just say that. Not when you don't mean it. Please don't lie to me."

"I'm not lying! I mean it," He sounded desperate," I really do lo-"

"You were with me because of… her. Admit it to yourself if you won’t to me." 

"I-" He started, eyes on yours before his shoulders slumped and a defeated sigh left his lips," I was."

You gulped, everything about this harder than you'd anticipated. Both your eyes were teary and you stepped forward to place a kiss on his tear-streaked cheek. "You can leave after dinner if you want. Tell them I’m not hungry anymore."

He stared at your figure as you walked away, stepping out of the room quickly, sniffling slightly.

You'd been cleaning out your boxes in the attic when you came across the picture. You stared at it a long time, thumb brushing over the edge as you took in your face and his, all the memories rushing back.

You were so in your head that you didn't see your little daughter of six crouching beside you, peeking at the picture in your hand curiously. "Who's that?" she piped up.

You jumped in surprise," You little devil! Are you trying to scare me to death or what?" 

She giggled," Sorry, momma! Who is that though? You look so young!"

"That was... " you pondered on what to say, before deciding that the truth was always better," A boyfriend I had."

"Did you love him?" 

"Yeah," you smiled, your face swimming in reminiscence "I did."

"Then what happened?"

"Well, I realised that he was not the one," you answered, letting out a short breath as you wondered how he was doing in life right now. Pretty well, you’d assume, considering the fact that his face was on every other post you saw on Instagram and any other social for that matter. A smile made its way onto your face as you finished your sentence," Then I met your dad."

"Then you met me!" You heard a voice from behind you and both your daughter and you jumped up in surprise and a little bit of fear. You rolled your eyes at the cheeky man who knelt in front of you with a handsome grin," I am a bit of a step up from all your boyfriends, though, am I not?"

"Not really," you answered sarcastically, turning your nose up in mock-disgust, before kissing his forehead when you found him pouting," But I won't give you up for anything in the world."

Meanwhile, in an untouched dusty corner of the attic lay a yellowing piece of paper, folded neatly with a single signed phrase on it. 

For my love,

-Tommy

You had received the letter from the boy you'd once loved, two months after that fateful night all those days ago. What was in the letter still remained a mystery to you, since you'd never gathered the courage to open it, knowing that all the work you had put into moving on would be worthless if you opened it. You would be taking two steps back and that's why you put it in a box, never to be opened again.

But what was written in it was in Tom's trademark messy sloping handwriting, a few smudges here and there from what looked like splatters of teardrops.

It said:

Darling,

I'm so happy you've opened this letter. I know I've hurt you a lot. And I'm sorry. I'm really very sorry. You don't deserve any of the pain I put you through.

You were wrong, by the way, I wasn't with you only for your sister. Maybe it had started out that way, but things changed a lot. Things changed when you were the one I started falling for, love. They say you don't realise what you have till it's gone. And my realisation happened a little too late for it to matter. 

I love you, Y/n. Forever.

You don't have to say anything to this, I just had to tell you how sorry I am. You deserve better. You deserve someone that can make you smile that lovely smile and laugh that lovely laugh of yours and have all those late-night talks about things that hardly made sense, and most of all someone that makes you feel happy. And loved. I know I can't be that person, after hurting you so much, but I wish you the best, Y/n. As long as you're happy, I’m happy too. 

Thank you for all those wonderful times.

-Yours forever,

Tommy