#tollroad

"Shh," Toll whispered kissing the top of her head.  

"I couldn't face her," Y/n's voice croaked hoarsely.  "I couldn't... he's dead Toll."  Her body trembling turning to jelly.  

"Not you're fault."  Cupping her face in shaky hands, forcing her to look at him.  

Puffy eyes staring back at him.  Fragile and dangerous rolled up into a ticking time bomb was what she was.  Picking her up, holding her close he walked them both down the hall and into his bedroom.  He sat back on the bed with her tucked around him doing his best to soothe the beast that was raging inside her.

"Everything about you is fighting to survive right now," brushing her hair from her face.  He was breaking inside seeing her like this.  "Emotions are raging, your body is struggling against itself because your mind is so convinced you should have been the one to die."

"But I... " peering up at him through watery eyes.

"Stop," he shook his head, thumbs wiping away what tears he could.  "I know what you're thinking sweetheart and nothing you could have done would have changed a thing.  You lived and that's a guilt that some of us never get over."

"Toll," she hesitated to continue.  She'd worked up the courage, the nerve to tell him, but seeing the way he was looking at her now, she just couldn't.  Instead, she curled herself around him and hid her face in the crook of his neck.  

"I'm here," pressing a kiss to the soft tresses of her hair, just on the cusp of the back of her head.  "No matter the demons battling inside, I'm here Y/n."

~~~~~

For weeks he'd been by her side, attached at the hip.  Toll was afraid to leave her alone, afraid that she might not be there when he got back.  Plagued with nightmares, waking up in a panic.  Blankets were thrown about, sheets slick and damp with sweat.  Her name stuck in his throat.  

He wanted nothing more than to curl up beside her, hold her close.  Tuck his arms around her and never let her go, but he never let himself.  Never allowed himself to pad down that hallway and knock on her door.  Never let the levee inside him to break and wash over her with all he felt.  

They'd gone back into old routines.  Laying on the couch reading or watching a Pay per view match on the flat screen.  Leaning in the kitchen doorway watching her sway to a song that caught her fancy.  Listening to her mumbling words as she made coffee and breakfast.  Dinners out in the backyard under the stars.  

His demons were laughing at him, calling him a coward.  Telling him he'd never be what she needed.  Toll could tell she'd gone back into old habits.   After that first night back home she'd put up her defenses again.  Gone back to old coping mechanisms.  Turning to humor as a deflection, but he could see it in her eyes. 

 ~~~~

Y/n told him to go out and have a boy's night at the bar.  Assured him she'd be fine, that he must have been sick of hanging out with her by now.  Both laughed awkwardly at the door as she tried pushing him out of it knowing it wasn't true but he went reluctantly.  Sitting at the table surrounded by the guys hearing the escapades since the last time they were together.

It didn't feel the same.  The music was awful, the bar was too crowded and the beer didn't even taste right.  Toll knew someone was talking but he didn't hear them.  Toll kept wondering what she was doing.  Was she lounging on the couch or did she go out on her own?

He sat nervously bouncing his leg in his seat.  Kept glancing at his phone.  Nothing felt right and he didn't like it.  The uncomfortable feeling slinking around inside him.  Downing his beer, he said good night to the guys and left.

"He was only here an hour?" Christmas scoffed putting his feet up on the chair Toll had left empty.

"Yeah, but if you had someone like Y/n living with you, would you stay out at the bar all night?" Caesar smirked suspicions and wild notions ran around in his head.

"No," Barney shook his head with a smirk.  "You assholes would never see me again if I had a girl like Y/n at home."

She never heard his engine cut off or the keys jingling in the front door.  It wasn't until he called out her name that she sat up on the couch and quickly changed the channel.  Wiping the tears off her face before he noticed.

"What are you up to?" Setting his keys in the bowl on the table by the front door.

"Uh watching Diesel Brothers," but the crack in her voice gave her away.

Toll flopped down next to her on the couch noticing Y/n trying to hide her face.  Crooking his index finger under her chin turning her head to face him.  He saw the redness, the puffiness, the shiny lines down her cheek.  Instantly worried but not wanting to force her to talk so he tried to crack a joke.

"Diesel Brothers makes you cry now?"  Arching a brow he smiled skeptically at her.

"Fine," Y/n signed turning the DVD back on.

The DVD paused with Robin Williams on screen in a field of skulls. It was dark and haunting.  The anguished appearance.  Wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her hoodie.  The sound of the choked sob that stuck in her throat.

"What's it about?" His chin nodded toward the screen. His thumb wiped away a stray tear.  Resting his arm behind her on the couch.

"He dies in a car accident a few years after losing their kids in one. He goes to heaven and he's happy until he finds out that his wife who couldn't handle living without him killed herself." Y/n sniffled again. He saw more tears welling up in her eyes.  "They loved each other so much that she couldn't live without him and he didn't want to be in heaven without her. So he leaves heaven to find and rescue her from the depths of hell. It's just... to love someone like that. God, I feel like such a girl right now." She laughed but the attempt was weak.

Toll took the remote from her hand and started the movie over.  Y/n didn't know what to say as she sat on the other end of the couch.  He caught that expression in her eyes again.  What was it?  Longing?  Remorse?  

Turning himself on the couch, stretching out his legs, he pulled her towards him.  Shuffling and moving awkwardly as he laid on his back nestling her on his chest.  Tugging her blanket over the both of them.  She'd become so rigid and tense, but it soon disappeared as his palm gliding up and down her back.  

What Dreams May Come, a movie he'd never taken a second glance at, but now he wished he could have.  The spiritual and emotional journey the characters had traveled.  A love that transcended all.  Soulmates and love at first sight.  Such pain and agony the couple endured, but somehow they made it through the other side together until tragedy struck them yet again.    

All that pain and loss in that film struck a nerve with Toll.  All that heart-wrenching torment.  Loving someone so much one couldn't be without them.  How empty it felt to be alone, missing your other half, the one that made you whole.  The psychological implications of what it meant to lose such a love.  Toll felt like he was staring at himself up on that screen.  

Toll walked through hell and back to rescue Y/n and he'd repeat that journey the rest of his life because he loved her.  He'd face anything for her, conquer any foe, topple kingdoms and crumble regimes into dust.  He'd sacrifice all that he had in him just for her to live and that part scared him.  To have someone like her come into his life and make him feel so deeply.  To make him care, to make him want to do better, to be better.  

The credits were rolling past the screen and he'd decided he'd had enough.  Clearing his throat, staring up at the ceiling.  All those words he'd rambled through his head for months dancing across his tongue.  His fingers gliding through her hair.  

"Sometimes I find myself slipping and going into a dark place," kissing the top of her head.  "You never tried to change me, never tried to make me something I'm not.  You just sit beside me in that darkness and hold my hand and share that burden with me.  When I'm trying to say is... I -I love you."  

There was no reply, not even a peep until the snore crept out of her mouth.  Rubbing her cheeks against the softness of his shirt as more little noises left her throat.  She was out stone cold asleep and lost to the world.  Closing his eyes and laughing to himself, yet another in a long line of cosmic jokes.  

He let those emotions, those loaded words finally come out and she never heard it.  How could the Universe be so cruel?  What was it about him that made the Fates want to toy with him so?  Carefully maneuvering off the couch, he carried her down the hall to her room.  The demons in his head having a field day laughing at him.  

"Come on sweetheart," Toll sprinted towards her, kneeling beside her limp body.

She was covered in dust and dirt, blood, sweat, and grime. Her hair was wet and matted on her face, crunchy strands hung lifeless soaked in dried blood. Her breathing was slowed and labored, he knew she'd put up one hell of a fight to look as she did. Filled with a mixture of pride and guilt staring down at her trying to shake her awake.

He'd take away all of her injuries and suffer them alone if she'd just wake up. Lifting her in his arms, feeling the explosions rocketing through the mines. Rocks and debris raining down around them as they ran. His team and the workers racing to get out before the whole thing came crumbling down, but they weren't so lucky.

Trapped like rats, their only way out closed off. It didn't seem fair to him, for Toll to come this far and for it all to end this way. No backup, no one knew where they were. There wasn't anyone coming to the rescue.

Y/n beaten and bloody, unconscious in his arms, the others sat on the ground near him trying to think of a way out. He could see the hope drain from all the kidnapped workers huddled around him. It wasn't fair, none of this bullshit was fair and he felt like it was just another way the Universe was telling him he was never meant to be with her.

Toll hugged her close, her body lay across his lap. His arms wrapped tight around her shoulders, her head tucked under his chin. He kept whispering in her ear, pleading for her to wake up. Rocking the two of them slowly back and forth. A stoic hunk of muscle and the woman of his dreams in a strange little moment of heartache.

"Y/n," he whispered choking back a strained groan of misery, trying not to be loud enough to be heard by others. "Please sweetheart, open your eyes."

Lee and Caesar looked on with the same expression, the same pained looked of sympathy. She was one of them, and yet at that moment she couldn't have been any more different than them with that damned heart of hers she'd always tried to hide. She'd chosen to become a target of Vilain's anger trying to save Billy from it. She pushed and poked the bear to keep Vilain and his men from attacking anyone else. That was just Y/n though, trying to take on the pain of the world so others didn't have to suffer.

Barney and Gunner could see her faint breath and the way it moved Toll's shirt. How it created little ripples in the fabric as it moved. Toll tried to keep her warm, draping his coat around her, but still, she shivered. All he could think of was the hundred or so times he had the chance to tell her and he didn't. All those perfectly imperfect moments to say 'I love you' never happened.

The demons inside his head had stopped making any noise the second he'd found her body amongst the workers. They hadn't spewed their self-hatred or doubt, they sat quite up in his head, not making the slightest peep. Toll kept waiting for them to fill him with all the ways they were right, that he was never good enough for her, but they never came.

"This isn't right," Toll muttered to himself.

"Going out this chickenshit way," Caesar replied with more than one meaning to his words aimed at Toll.

"Something like that," Toll answered wiping caked blood away from Y/n's face.

Toll wanted to be home with Y/n. Wanted to be curled up on that damned sofa of his with her head in his lap. He wanted to hear the stupid cheesy jokes between them and eat dinner out in the backyard under the stars. He wanted to hear her singing in the shower and see her dancing in the kitchen in the mornings. He wanted to feel her soft lips pressed up against his again, hear her moaning out his name instead of being trapped miles underground in a forgotten mine.

"Hey, it ain't over yet, kids." Gunner came striding up amongst the group flipping a metal pipe in his hand. "I got a plan. Everybody calm down."

Walking towards the nearest wall of the mine, a grin on his face. His bowie knife in hand pointing at the rocky wall triumphantly.

"Phosphate rock." Gunner was deep in his head at this point.

"What's he doing?" Lee questioned skeptically at Barney.

"Probably making a bomb," replied Barney without a second thought.

"You serious?" Lee's eyebrow raised high in doubt.

"Ask him." Barney was already turning his head watching Gunner.

"Whatcha doin' Gunner?"

"I'm making a bomb, you mind?" Gunner glared at Lee, his knife scratching little bits of rock off the wall into the metal pipe in his hand.

"A maniac with brains." Snipped Barney.

"Scary." Though Lee wasn't quite sure what was worse, Gunner thinking about making a bomb or the fact that he was thinking in general.

Slipping his knife back in his holster, walking back towards the group with a plan in action. Gunner felt like he was in his element.

"Phosphate rock, it's got a density of 1.852. Melting point, 44.2 centigrade." Walking around his comrades as he spoke. "Guys, I want some gunpowder, fast."

All of them looked at him like he was nuts and maybe Gunner was, too many years of drugs and alcohol clouding his brain and his judgment. it was hard to take him seriously until Barney spoke up with that air of authority.

"Do it. The man's a chemical engineer, right?"

"And a Fulbright Scholar." Snarked Gunner with a smirk. "Pour it in the pipe." Tossing the pipes at Caesar.

"The big man might be onto something," Barney stated pulling out shell casing from his vest.

"You think?" Again Lee was questioning the idiocy.

"Probably not," Barney shrugged, but what other option did they have right now?

"You need some help with that? Let's go!" Gunner growled at Toll. He was trying to balance his grip on Y/n and pulling out what he had in his pockets with gunpowder.

"I'll fucking knock you the fuck out Gunner," Toll fumed glaring up at him. Caesar as always running interference.

"Here. Go blow yourself up." Caesar snapped tossing the pipe back at Gunner with force.

"Lighter?" Looking at Barney as if he was the only one in the group that had some sort of incendiary device, but the lighter was already sailing through the air and into Gunner's palm.

"I want that back," Barney grumbled. He wasn't expecting much to happen at all, not when it came to a plan of Gunner's. If it had been a plan coming from Toll it would have been a different story, but he was too occupied to think straight.

"Better get back!" Gunner chuckled lighting strips of fabric at the end of the bomb. "This is gonna be loud!"

Workers and the rest of the team up on their feet scrambling away from the blocked exit. Toll carefully and gingerly taking cover with Y/n cradled to his chest. He kept looking down at her face, those beautiful eyes hidden behind closed lids. Toll kept pleading with her to wake up, but still, Y/n didn't move.

Gunner was ecstatic, he couldn't wait for the explosion. He wanted to the one to rescue the lot of them. In truth, he was out of alcohol and already starting to get the shakes. He needed to get out of there and get a drink. His own little demons crawling around inside him screaming out for booze.

They all sat back waiting, eyes closed and ears covered but nothing happened. The fuse on the bomb had fizzled out, the metal casing had fallen to its side. Nothing, absolutely nothing had happened. No explosion, no loud noise, no rocks breaking free opening their escape route. Jaded and disheartened, the whole lot of them had started to believe that's how it would end, stuck miles underground in a mine that no one knew existed.

Toll fell movement in his arms. Y/n was fidgeting, squirming, her cheek rubbing against his shirt as she mumbled. Glancing down in panicked glee he watched her palm slip up his chest and around his neck.

"Sweetheart?"

"Five more minutes," Y/n grumbled snuggling herself into his neck. Toll was grinning over the moon. "Shh, sleepy time."

"Nah, you can sleep later." Toll chuckled pulling her away from her cozy spot.

Y/n groaned, blinking adjusting to the darkness. Every bit of her hurt, the telltale ache of a fight screaming throughout her body. Sitting up dazed, peering at Toll and his toothy grin.

"Now I know I'm dead if the rest of you assholes are in my dream." Y/n griped annoyed turning to her defense mechanism of jokes.

Toll was damn near speechless staring back at her. She shifted in his lap but stayed where she was. Caesar offering her a drink from his canteen while Toll slipped a hand into his pocket pulling out a tiny tin. For the longest time Y/n and Toll sat in silence lost in a staring contest, neither willing to blink.

A myriad of emotions sweeping between the both of them. Both sat tense as could be, almost like stone until she caught the movement of his hand out of the corner of her good eye. Smelled the hint of lavender as he flipped off the lid of the little tin container in his hand. Y/n closed her eye letting the tiny smile curl over her mouth feeling the tip of a calloused finger sweeping over each cut and gash.

There's so much she wanted to say, all those words right there on the tip of her tongue, and yet none of them want to form or make a sound. That familiar tension wafting between them hanging over them like a cloud. A thunderstorm of emotion ready to rain down them when the right words were spoken but were never uttered out loud.

Toll put the tin away, satisfied he'd done all could at the moment. She'd need stitches and a nice hot shower to clean out all the gunk, but for now, it'd have to do. Her breath hitched in her throat feeling his hands trail up her sides and around her back. Nestled on her shoulder blades tugging her in, hugging her, holding her close but he just couldn't say it. He just couldn't say what needed to be said.

Y/n closed her eyes leaning her temple into his, breathing in the woodsy musky scent that was Toll. Feeling the tension ebbing and waning between them. His chest pushing into hers with each wary breath. Feeling his fingers gently grasping a tighter hold on her. His shaky exhale and how the moist hot breath tickled her neck.

Why was it so complicated? Why couldn't either of them just come right out and say it? How could three little words be so damned impossible to speak? 'I love you' seemed to be the most loaded and dangerous phrase in all of existence and despite it all, they were both dying inside not having spoken it aloud.

Walls shaking, debris falling from the ceiling. A thunderous noise echoing out in the chamber as bits of rock fell and slipped away from their only way out. Bodies scrambling to get as far away from the noise as they could. Murmurs of desperation and fear filling the air. Creaking and clanging of metal machinery bursting through the rock face. Y/n could smell the cigar smoke and laughed before the others responded.

"I'm back," Trench's smug voice filling their ears.

Workers and victims of Vilain rushing through the opening and out of the mine. Throngs of tired and weary bodies making their way down the ramshackle road as they reunited with their loved ones. Toll walked beside Y/n helping her amble out of the mine and into the daylight. The conversation between Trench and Barney partially ignored by all until a black SUV pulled up beside them and out came Church.

Scanning the crowd of people not content until his sights were locked on Y/n. He watched her approach as he, Trench, and Barney talked of their plan of attack on Vilain. All he could think of was saving his own ass from the fury that would rain down on him the second he stepped foot on American soil. Church would be lucky if he kept his position in the Agency at all after all of this.

"You're sitting this one out," Church tried reasoning with Y/n even if it was for his selfish reasons. "He knows, he sent me to help."

"What the hell do you mean HE sent you? He doesn't know about all of this does he?" Y/n's voice raised, carried high enough for all to hear. Toll tensing beside her.

"Yeah, yeah he does." For the first time, Church appeared... scared.

"Oh my god!!" Pacing back and forth rubbing her face groaning in panic. "Great! Just fucking great!"

"What's wrong?" Barney's mind coming back to the story Billy had told at the bar not too long ago.

"Nothing! Let's go get Vilain." Y/n stared down Church until he was silent. Motioning the rest of the team to follow as a chopper touched down.

Various sets of eyes glanced between Y/n and Church. Studying the way she readied for the fight ahead. Cracking her neck from side to side slipping the tack vest over her chest. Slamming a magazine in her rifle, stuffing extras in her pockets. Knives, pistols, and spare ammo in any spot she could find. She was a completely different woman than they'd witnessed moments before.

"What about your eye?" Church raised a brow unsure she should be fighting at all. The black eye given by Vilain's men during hers and Billy's capture was swollen closed.

"You know nothing about me. Stupid on your part." Y/n grinned angrily. "Disadvantages," pointing at her swollen eye, "only piss me off and that's when I'm at my best, but so help me, if HE's physically here I'm shooting you first Church."

Caeser opened his mouth to ask who she was talking about but the twitch in her eye said otherwise. Y/n wasn't in the mood for bullshit anymore, all she wanted now was revenge. Staring down at a tiny monitor tracking Vilain's movements and the airport only a few miles away.

~~~~~~

Running through the terminal taking out soldier after soldier. She could hear the shouts and yells of her teammates. Always catching a glimpse of Toll not too far away embroiled in his own fight. He'd made her promise not to stray too far from him, but that wasn't usually possible in a fight. He knew she could handle herself that wasn't the issue, it was her stubbornness and refusal to let anyone know just how much pain she was in.

Clenching her teeth and hissing back a yelp. Vilain's men had done a number on her days before and Hector had only made it worse. She was sure there was a cracked rib or two, bruising down to her bones, but now wasn't the time. Vilain and his men had to pay and the plutonium couldn't leave that airport. Y/n took cover behind a ticket booth, swapping out for her last full magazine, damn near empty on ammo.

The fight had been dragging on for more than twenty minutes. Bodies and empty bullet casing littered the terminal floor. Barney had run after Vilain and Lee after Hector. It wouldn't be long before she'd have to go hand-to-hand combat if she couldn't get her mitts on a fresh weapon and soon. Glancing up in time, Y/n saw the legendary Lone Wolf himself giving her cover fire.

"Let me guess," she yelled up at him through the hail of gunfire. "HE sent you too Booker?"

"Just repaying a debt Lil one," Booker winked before running off making her grumble. She was starting to feel like a little kid all over again. A cavalry being sent in just for her because HE was worried.

~~~~~~~~

The fight or more so the small-scale battle was over. What was left of Vilain's soldiers taken alive were cuffed and transported awaiting punishment for their crimes. Toll was right beside Y/n practically carrying her out of the terminal. She was running on sheer adrenaline fumes now. Pain flooded her body and mind. Wincing with each step towards Church's poor excuse of a plane to get them home.

She dozed off curled into Toll before the plane was even fully in the air. Y/n was still in a deep slumber when Barney made the descent onto a tiny airstrip in France. He'd made his mind up after Billy died that he'd deliver his share from the job and his letter to his girl. It was the least he could do, but Y/n had other plans.

Waking up hearing Barney telling the guys to give him an hour and he'd be back, but Y/n sat up wiping the sleep from her eye. Barney stared at her curiously for a moment before it dawned on him what she was doing. Standing shakily, letting out a heavy sigh she motioned for the box in Barney's hands.

"It's better this way." Y/n swallowed back the anger she'd held onto over Billy's death.

"Why's it gotta be you?" Lee was perplexed staring her down.

Catching movement outside the plane window, Y/n saw the sedan pull alongside the plane. Darkened windows and government plates, she knew the M.O. of the person inside. Toll didn't understand, after everything they'd gone through she ... she was leaving? Slipping his hand through hers, squeezing tightly. Peering confused and hurt, just as worried as the rest of them.

"We can wait," Barney nodded toward the cockpit. "All get home together."

"There's something else I need to take care of and it appears to be waiting." She shook her head sighing, box clutched under her arm.

"You're leaving?!" Gunner grumbled hurt.

"Not permanently, no." His concern as misguided as it was sometimes was endearing. "There's just ... "

"I'll come with you." Toll was up on his feet standing behind her. His pack slung over his shoulder ready to go. He didn't go through hell and back to let her walk alone now.

Barney and Lee finally noticed the waiting car, exchanging glances not liking the unknown one bit. Y/n turned, putting the box on a seat. Why couldn't she do it? Why couldn't she just fucking tell him that she loved him? Why couldn't she say those three stupid little words? Those damned loaded words were stuck in her throat just hanging there. The words were formed and given life but the strength to push them out into forming sounds and giving them meaning wouldn't come.

Staring into those stoic blue/grey eyes, those midnight storms and falling star-filled eyes. To wake up to those beautifully raging oceans each morning was more than she could ever want, but damned if she could tell him.

"Do you trust me?"

Cupping his face in her palms as she smiled, seeing the doubt and worry in them broke her heart. It couldn't possibly mean what she hoped. Toll huffed a small laugh and nodded his head. He trusted her more than she'd ever realized. Toll wanted to be selfish, wanted to hold her, refusing to let her leave, but what would that solve?

His words were failing him again. Unable to say what should have been said long ago. Nodding his head reluctantly. Flooded with guilt that'd he thought the worst of her and Billy, but it all came out after they buried him. Finding out that he had a girl he wanted to marry. The demons were snarling inside his head and he was doing everything he could to stay strong because he was too overwhelmed looking at her bruised face. The demons were telling him he wasn't good enough and it was for the best.

Wordlessly, Toll warily yanked her into him, engulfing her in a hug he never wanted to end. Smiled feeling her arms snaking around his neck. That same tremble in her body shaking against him as they held each other tight. Y/n leaned up placing a lingering kiss on his cauliflower ear and whispered.

"I promise you, cross my heart that I WILL come home."

The men watched wordlessly as she stepped out onto the tarmac. The awaiting driver pulling open the backdoor for her. She risked another glance at Toll and she almost wished she hadn't because the heartbreak in his eyes filled her stomach with a sinking feeling. Maybe it was all in her head, maybe Caesar was wrong. Maybe she was nothing more than a friend because if she was more than, why wouldn't he have said anything after all this time?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n sat at a little cafe watching and waiting for Billy's girl to show. She'd been hard to track down just the way Billy intended. He never wanted this kind of life to come back to haunt her, but life was funny like that. Y/n watched for days to get her schedule just right. No matter the speech she played in her head, she just couldn't face her. To be the bearer of bad news, not after getting the two of them together in the first place.

Sipping her coffee, seeing the front door to the apartment open. A crisp nurse's uniform washed and pressed on her tiny frame. Her sneakers were the first to find the surprise on the doorstep, to bump into the box. Glancing around the courtyard, looking up and down the street before she bent over and picked it up.

Y/n watched gutted and troubled seeing her slump onto the front step with her hand over her heart. She had to have known the way her eyes crinkled and mouth trembled. Slender delicate hands slipping open the box seeing the piles of cash, but it was the letter she went for first. Familiar loopy handwriting that called out to her.

Y/n could feel the burning stare of eyes on her. She'd known it was coming, she'd been in the city for days and he still had yet to make himself known. Though he had a hotel room for her and sent a doctor to treat her wounds, he'd yet to make himself known. It was a matter of when and yet he always seemed to come at the right time. A tall solidly built grey-haired man in an expensive suit slipped into the little bistro seat across from her.

"Don't beat yourself up kid," he said calmly as she glared back at him through sunglass hidden eyes.

"I'm not," Y/n huffed sipping from her coffee cup.

"I think I know you well enough to see that look in your eyes." he half-smiled warmly as Y/n rolls her eyes. "It wasn't your fault you know."

"Doubt it, so can we talk about something else." Her eye-line trailed back to Billy's girl as she silently wept on those steps.

They sat in silence watching the woman across the street as she unsteadily got up and walked back into her apartment. Her shift at the local hospital all but forgotten, Y/n knew she'd call in sick, give herself a few days to grieve. The older man and Y/n finally making eye contact again. Y/n rolled her eyes closed inhaling deeply and let out an exhausted sigh as she sat back in her chair slipping the sunglasses up onto her head.

"I like him," the suited man spoke with a soft side smile.

"Who?" Y/n questioned curiously, but a small part of her had her suspicions because it didn't seem like there wasn't anything he didn't already know.

"The man you live with. Exemplary record, several tours of duty, decent marksmen. He seems like a good man."

"He IS a good man. He's probably the most selfless, stubborn, set in his ways man, but he is better than he'll ever give himself credit for. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend. He pushes me to be better than I am, he makes me better and I... I."

"You love him." The grey-haired man stated as a matter of fact with a growing smile as he glanced at Y/n as she turned her attention towards the faded paint on the tabletop.

"Who says I love him?" She grumbled feeling the heated blush throbbing on the tips of her ears.

"A father knows when his daughter's in love." He stood up and straightened his suit jacket, ruffled the top of her head with a chuckle. "Call your mother, you know how she worries."

"Step-father and I'm sure you've told her everything I'm up to," Y/n grumbled.

Stepping through the garage and into the front shop, Toll could hear her voice through the open door of the tattoo parlor. Y/n must have left it open behind her. The sound of her laughter made him feel guilty. He'd gone too far that morning. Pushed beyond that grey line that was forever between them. Walking out the door ready to apologize, ready to accept that she'd probably leave after what happened. He was ready for the ramifications of what he'd started but what he saw made his heart drop.

Y/n was smiling, her palm resting on the shoulder of the young man. A strapping young man, tall, features like a Roman God. They were deep in conversation, their laughter grated on Toll's nerves. Just the way that 'kid' looked at her made him want to smash his face into the curb. Toll had all but lost his temper seeing the punk pulling her into a hug. A lingering embrace that she gladly returned. Toll was left gutted at the sight of it, he knew he was going to do something to blow it and his actions that morning just proved it.

"Billy, you made it," Tool's voice caused Y/n and the kid to break apart. Heading back inside Tool's shop.

"Yes sir," the youngster answered with a grin nudging Y/n in the shoulder. She rolled her eyes pushing him back with a smirk ignoring the rest of the men and their stares.

"Do you two know each other?" Barney questioned lighting up a cigar as he glanced back and forth between Y/n, Billy, and a silently fuming Toll.

"Yeah, small fucking world," Y/n chuckled peering up at Billy. "You're looking at Billy the Kid, one of the best snipers I've ever had the privilege to meet."

"Believe it or not," Billy's eyes darting toward Y/n with a toothy awestruck gaze. "She risked a court Marshall to save my ass in Afghanistan."

"Oh come off it," Y/n rolled her eyes holding back an embarrassed smile, but the Kid turned towards her wearing a shocked grimace.

"You stole an Apache gunship chopper from the base and flew it out with half your squad!" He stared incredulously down at her. "Everyone could hear the Captain reaming your ass a new one throughout the base that night."

"What can I say," Y/n shrugged her shoulders like it wasn't that big of a deal. "I've always had poor impulse control and a distaste for shitty leadership."

"Y/n," Billy shook his head and sighed. "You punched the Commander and spent a few days in the Brig."

"Yeah well," she sighed heading towards Tool's fridge grabbing a beer. "He deserved it for what he did and I'd do it again."

**********

Y/n didn't say much that night once Toll and she arrived home from the bar. She'd been unusually quiet except when she was talking with Billy, a fact that didn't escape Toll. He could taste the tension in the air, that sour bitter taste that usually comes with rejection and disappointment. Y/n could hardly meet his gaze before she mumbled a soft 'good night' and left him in one of the worst bouts of self-hatred he'd had in years.

He wanted to call after her, plead for her to listen, let him explain. Wanted to tell her how sorry he was, that none of that should have happened, but the words just wouldn't form. His t-shirt felt like it was choking him, cutting off his air supply. The last sound he heard was her closing and what sounded like a muffled cry.

Toll paused outside her door, his hand raised to knock, but he just couldn't find the will power. She was better off without him. Y/n deserved better than a pussy of a man who couldn't even knock on her door. The demons in his head were winning, and they were right. She'd never be interested in a mess like him. What happened that morning wasn't anything but an over-emotional response. It was just a heat of the moment thing, at least that's what he kept trying to tell himself as he shuffled down the hall slamming his bedroom door behind him.

~~~~~~

Old Point Bar after the latest job rescuing a Chinese Billionaire and an all too grateful Trench. The mission had gone surprisingly well considering a handful of shake-ups. Y/n having chosen to ride into the fight with Gunner and Yang instead of Toll and Caesar. Even Barney had been about to argue over it, but Y/n wasn't backing down.

Billy and Y/n had been talking in a corner booth away from the others. They sat close together and wore the same tired expressions as they talked. How tight the two of them had been hadn't escaped the rest of the group. They all watched from their table as Y/n and Billy spoke. The way they smiled at each other. Had any of them been close enough to listen it would have made sense, instead, each of them was coming to their own conclusion.

Billy nodded knowing Y/n was right. He had a woman waiting for him and he needed to be with her instead of being here. He needed a normal humdrum life with normal things that didn't involve bloodshed and death. This mercenary life just wasn't for him. Billy didn't have the predisposition for it and all he had to do now was talk to Barney.

As they were leaving the booth to sit back with the others, they heard a song playing on the jukebox. It was one that held some memories from years ago. A cheeky grin curled over his mouth, caught in the memory of it just like Y/n.

"Come on cowboy," reaching out her hand for his. "For old times sake."

Billy and Y/n were country line dancing around the tiny wooden dance floor. Two-stepping and laughing while the others looked on baffled. Billy was spinning and twirling her making her laugh. A slightly tipsy, rare laugh they'd only ever heard one other time since they'd known her, the night she talked about wearing a Navy SEAL. The night she danced with Toll after he scared off some asshole that laid his hands on her.

"Didn't know she could do that?" Lacy giggled glancing at an annoyed Toll.

"She's full of surprises," Toll spat out gruffly.

Spinning round in circles, faster and faster.  Billy and Y/n grinning like idiots.  Dancing and laughing, ignoring the rest of the bar lost in a moment of time.  Toll could see the way Billy was eyeing her, watching the placement of his hands on her waist and hating it.  Part of him wanted to get up from his seat and just leave, get the hell out of the bar and not look back.  As the song ended Billy sat back in his seat with the rest of the men, a little winded but smiling. Y/n excused herself and headed toward the bathroom.

"So ..." Billy about to question the looks he was receiving. His beer bottle barely touching his lips in an attempt to take a sip.

"Just what the hell was that?" Toll sat up in his chair, fist landing roughly on the tabletop.

"Kind of an inside joke." Billy chuckled glancing towards the bathroom doors.

"Do tell," Barney drawled puffing on his cigar hoping to avoid a confrontation between the two men. Billy nodded his head and licked his lips grinning.

"Alright so a couple of days after she'd stolen the Apache and came to the rescue, she was sitting in the Brig for punching the Base Commander.  Y/n was locked up for insubordination for almost four days by then. The entire base comes to a standstill as this private jet lands on the airstrip. Control tower was having a field day bout it, apparently some high-security clearance. The door opens and out walks a suit. Tall, old, this suit was just reeking of authority. Nose up in the air, shielding his eyes from the glare of the desert sun.

"So anyway, this suit waltzes into the Command Center and all hell breaks loose. Soldiers on duty were high-tailing it outta that building like it was on fire. We could hear this deep booming voice bellowing out Y/n's name. The suit was just raging mad demanding to know where she was and it only got worse when he found out she was sitting in a cell.

"A few of us snuck up near the building listening in, peeking in the window seeing the Commander with the black eye Y/n had given him. He was nearly pissin' his pants standing in front of the suit as he was demanding to know why. What could Y/n possibly have done to wind up in a cell and I tell you the Commander shit his pants right then.  He studders out about stealing the chopper and risking half her squad to save me and my unit.

"That suit flashed the proudest damn smile as he leaned down on the Commander's desk and told him point-blank that if she wasn't let out he'd rain down hell on his sorry ass. He mentioned something about Singapore and the Commander turned white as a ghost. He slumped down in his chair and made the call.

"Next thing we know Y/n comes barreling out of the Brig and stomping out to the airfield. Screaming and hollering, her arms waving up in the air getting up in the face of the suit. All he did was smile down at her. Didn't say a word just smiled and took off in that plane leaving her fuming."

"That's a great story and all but it doesn't explain the dance and the song." Toll grumbled glaring down at Billy. Cesar sighing beside him.

"Oh yeah, that night it was like Y/n was itching to get into more trouble. She hijacked the loudspeakers around the camp playing music. Didn't take long before it turned into some wild rager out in the middle of the fucking desert. No one was dancing, they were all afraid of what Command would do. Out comes Y/n looking like hell on wheels with a shit-eating grin, Command hot on her heels but they didn't say shit. She saw me and made me dance with her before pushing me towards a nurse. That song was playin', didn't take long before the whole base was dancing blowing off steam while the higher-ups looked on without a word."

"Who was the guy with the jet?" Barney's curiosity working overdrive. When Bonaparte had brought her to his attention a couple of years beforehand he hadn't mentioned much about her personal life and if it included some suit with a security clearance like that, he wanted to know.

"Don't know," Billy shook his head with a soft smile. "I asked but she never told me. A couple of days later she was pulled off base on some top-secret mission. Rumor had it, it was some high-level Black Ops shit, but she was the only one that went. Her team was left without a leader and in shock at her absence. That was the last I ever saw of her until a couple of weeks ago."

The tables were in silence taking in the story Billy had told as Y/n slipped back into her seat. It was like a synchronized dance as all their eyes fell upon her making her feel uneasy. Staring back at her were her friends with a mixture of awe and sheer confusion.

"What?" Scrunching her face in worry.

Every single one of them that sat at the table, Lacy included raised their drinks in the air grinning at Y/n as she shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"To Y/n," they cheered clinking glasses.

"Um, okay," she chuckled joining in, tossing back a shot Gunner pushed her way. "Thanks, I guess." Even Toll managed to flash a smirk. "You telling stories again?" She shoved Billy's shoulder as grinned widely.