#tollroad

"Shh," Toll whispered kissing the top of her head.  

"I couldn't face her," Y/n's voice croaked hoarsely.  "I couldn't... he's dead Toll."  Her body trembling turning to jelly.  

"Not you're fault."  Cupping her face in shaky hands, forcing her to look at him.  

Puffy eyes staring back at him.  Fragile and dangerous rolled up into a ticking time bomb was what she was.  Picking her up, holding her close he walked them both down the hall and into his bedroom.  He sat back on the bed with her tucked around him doing his best to soothe the beast that was raging inside her.

"Everything about you is fighting to survive right now," brushing her hair from her face.  He was breaking inside seeing her like this.  "Emotions are raging, your body is struggling against itself because your mind is so convinced you should have been the one to die."

"But I... " peering up at him through watery eyes.

"Stop," he shook his head, thumbs wiping away what tears he could.  "I know what you're thinking sweetheart and nothing you could have done would have changed a thing.  You lived and that's a guilt that some of us never get over."

"Toll," she hesitated to continue.  She'd worked up the courage, the nerve to tell him, but seeing the way he was looking at her now, she just couldn't.  Instead, she curled herself around him and hid her face in the crook of his neck.  

"I'm here," pressing a kiss to the soft tresses of her hair, just on the cusp of the back of her head.  "No matter the demons battling inside, I'm here Y/n."

~~~~~

For weeks he'd been by her side, attached at the hip.  Toll was afraid to leave her alone, afraid that she might not be there when he got back.  Plagued with nightmares, waking up in a panic.  Blankets were thrown about, sheets slick and damp with sweat.  Her name stuck in his throat.  

He wanted nothing more than to curl up beside her, hold her close.  Tuck his arms around her and never let her go, but he never let himself.  Never allowed himself to pad down that hallway and knock on her door.  Never let the levee inside him to break and wash over her with all he felt.  

They'd gone back into old routines.  Laying on the couch reading or watching a Pay per view match on the flat screen.  Leaning in the kitchen doorway watching her sway to a song that caught her fancy.  Listening to her mumbling words as she made coffee and breakfast.  Dinners out in the backyard under the stars.  

His demons were laughing at him, calling him a coward.  Telling him he'd never be what she needed.  Toll could tell she'd gone back into old habits.   After that first night back home she'd put up her defenses again.  Gone back to old coping mechanisms.  Turning to humor as a deflection, but he could see it in her eyes. 

 ~~~~

Y/n told him to go out and have a boy's night at the bar.  Assured him she'd be fine, that he must have been sick of hanging out with her by now.  Both laughed awkwardly at the door as she tried pushing him out of it knowing it wasn't true but he went reluctantly.  Sitting at the table surrounded by the guys hearing the escapades since the last time they were together.

It didn't feel the same.  The music was awful, the bar was too crowded and the beer didn't even taste right.  Toll knew someone was talking but he didn't hear them.  Toll kept wondering what she was doing.  Was she lounging on the couch or did she go out on her own?

He sat nervously bouncing his leg in his seat.  Kept glancing at his phone.  Nothing felt right and he didn't like it.  The uncomfortable feeling slinking around inside him.  Downing his beer, he said good night to the guys and left.

"He was only here an hour?" Christmas scoffed putting his feet up on the chair Toll had left empty.

"Yeah, but if you had someone like Y/n living with you, would you stay out at the bar all night?" Caesar smirked suspicions and wild notions ran around in his head.

"No," Barney shook his head with a smirk.  "You assholes would never see me again if I had a girl like Y/n at home."

She never heard his engine cut off or the keys jingling in the front door.  It wasn't until he called out her name that she sat up on the couch and quickly changed the channel.  Wiping the tears off her face before he noticed.

"What are you up to?" Setting his keys in the bowl on the table by the front door.

"Uh watching Diesel Brothers," but the crack in her voice gave her away.

Toll flopped down next to her on the couch noticing Y/n trying to hide her face.  Crooking his index finger under her chin turning her head to face him.  He saw the redness, the puffiness, the shiny lines down her cheek.  Instantly worried but not wanting to force her to talk so he tried to crack a joke.

"Diesel Brothers makes you cry now?"  Arching a brow he smiled skeptically at her.

"Fine," Y/n signed turning the DVD back on.

The DVD paused with Robin Williams on screen in a field of skulls. It was dark and haunting.  The anguished appearance.  Wiping her eyes on the sleeve of her hoodie.  The sound of the choked sob that stuck in her throat.

"What's it about?" His chin nodded toward the screen. His thumb wiped away a stray tear.  Resting his arm behind her on the couch.

"He dies in a car accident a few years after losing their kids in one. He goes to heaven and he's happy until he finds out that his wife who couldn't handle living without him killed herself." Y/n sniffled again. He saw more tears welling up in her eyes.  "They loved each other so much that she couldn't live without him and he didn't want to be in heaven without her. So he leaves heaven to find and rescue her from the depths of hell. It's just... to love someone like that. God, I feel like such a girl right now." She laughed but the attempt was weak.

Toll took the remote from her hand and started the movie over.  Y/n didn't know what to say as she sat on the other end of the couch.  He caught that expression in her eyes again.  What was it?  Longing?  Remorse?  

Turning himself on the couch, stretching out his legs, he pulled her towards him.  Shuffling and moving awkwardly as he laid on his back nestling her on his chest.  Tugging her blanket over the both of them.  She'd become so rigid and tense, but it soon disappeared as his palm gliding up and down her back.  

What Dreams May Come, a movie he'd never taken a second glance at, but now he wished he could have.  The spiritual and emotional journey the characters had traveled.  A love that transcended all.  Soulmates and love at first sight.  Such pain and agony the couple endured, but somehow they made it through the other side together until tragedy struck them yet again.    

All that pain and loss in that film struck a nerve with Toll.  All that heart-wrenching torment.  Loving someone so much one couldn't be without them.  How empty it felt to be alone, missing your other half, the one that made you whole.  The psychological implications of what it meant to lose such a love.  Toll felt like he was staring at himself up on that screen.  

Toll walked through hell and back to rescue Y/n and he'd repeat that journey the rest of his life because he loved her.  He'd face anything for her, conquer any foe, topple kingdoms and crumble regimes into dust.  He'd sacrifice all that he had in him just for her to live and that part scared him.  To have someone like her come into his life and make him feel so deeply.  To make him care, to make him want to do better, to be better.  

The credits were rolling past the screen and he'd decided he'd had enough.  Clearing his throat, staring up at the ceiling.  All those words he'd rambled through his head for months dancing across his tongue.  His fingers gliding through her hair.  

"Sometimes I find myself slipping and going into a dark place," kissing the top of her head.  "You never tried to change me, never tried to make me something I'm not.  You just sit beside me in that darkness and hold my hand and share that burden with me.  When I'm trying to say is... I -I love you."  

There was no reply, not even a peep until the snore crept out of her mouth.  Rubbing her cheeks against the softness of his shirt as more little noises left her throat.  She was out stone cold asleep and lost to the world.  Closing his eyes and laughing to himself, yet another in a long line of cosmic jokes.  

He let those emotions, those loaded words finally come out and she never heard it.  How could the Universe be so cruel?  What was it about him that made the Fates want to toy with him so?  Carefully maneuvering off the couch, he carried her down the hall to her room.  The demons in his head having a field day laughing at him.  

"Come on sweetheart," Toll sprinted towards her, kneeling beside her limp body.

She was covered in dust and dirt, blood, sweat, and grime. Her hair was wet and matted on her face, crunchy strands hung lifeless soaked in dried blood. Her breathing was slowed and labored, he knew she'd put up one hell of a fight to look as she did. Filled with a mixture of pride and guilt staring down at her trying to shake her awake.

He'd take away all of her injuries and suffer them alone if she'd just wake up. Lifting her in his arms, feeling the explosions rocketing through the mines. Rocks and debris raining down around them as they ran. His team and the workers racing to get out before the whole thing came crumbling down, but they weren't so lucky.

Trapped like rats, their only way out closed off. It didn't seem fair to him, for Toll to come this far and for it all to end this way. No backup, no one knew where they were. There wasn't anyone coming to the rescue.

Y/n beaten and bloody, unconscious in his arms, the others sat on the ground near him trying to think of a way out. He could see the hope drain from all the kidnapped workers huddled around him. It wasn't fair, none of this bullshit was fair and he felt like it was just another way the Universe was telling him he was never meant to be with her.

Toll hugged her close, her body lay across his lap. His arms wrapped tight around her shoulders, her head tucked under his chin. He kept whispering in her ear, pleading for her to wake up. Rocking the two of them slowly back and forth. A stoic hunk of muscle and the woman of his dreams in a strange little moment of heartache.

"Y/n," he whispered choking back a strained groan of misery, trying not to be loud enough to be heard by others. "Please sweetheart, open your eyes."

Lee and Caesar looked on with the same expression, the same pained looked of sympathy. She was one of them, and yet at that moment she couldn't have been any more different than them with that damned heart of hers she'd always tried to hide. She'd chosen to become a target of Vilain's anger trying to save Billy from it. She pushed and poked the bear to keep Vilain and his men from attacking anyone else. That was just Y/n though, trying to take on the pain of the world so others didn't have to suffer.

Barney and Gunner could see her faint breath and the way it moved Toll's shirt. How it created little ripples in the fabric as it moved. Toll tried to keep her warm, draping his coat around her, but still, she shivered. All he could think of was the hundred or so times he had the chance to tell her and he didn't. All those perfectly imperfect moments to say 'I love you' never happened.

The demons inside his head had stopped making any noise the second he'd found her body amongst the workers. They hadn't spewed their self-hatred or doubt, they sat quite up in his head, not making the slightest peep. Toll kept waiting for them to fill him with all the ways they were right, that he was never good enough for her, but they never came.

"This isn't right," Toll muttered to himself.

"Going out this chickenshit way," Caesar replied with more than one meaning to his words aimed at Toll.

"Something like that," Toll answered wiping caked blood away from Y/n's face.

Toll wanted to be home with Y/n. Wanted to be curled up on that damned sofa of his with her head in his lap. He wanted to hear the stupid cheesy jokes between them and eat dinner out in the backyard under the stars. He wanted to hear her singing in the shower and see her dancing in the kitchen in the mornings. He wanted to feel her soft lips pressed up against his again, hear her moaning out his name instead of being trapped miles underground in a forgotten mine.

"Hey, it ain't over yet, kids." Gunner came striding up amongst the group flipping a metal pipe in his hand. "I got a plan. Everybody calm down."

Walking towards the nearest wall of the mine, a grin on his face. His bowie knife in hand pointing at the rocky wall triumphantly.

"Phosphate rock." Gunner was deep in his head at this point.

"What's he doing?" Lee questioned skeptically at Barney.

"Probably making a bomb," replied Barney without a second thought.

"You serious?" Lee's eyebrow raised high in doubt.

"Ask him." Barney was already turning his head watching Gunner.

"Whatcha doin' Gunner?"

"I'm making a bomb, you mind?" Gunner glared at Lee, his knife scratching little bits of rock off the wall into the metal pipe in his hand.

"A maniac with brains." Snipped Barney.

"Scary." Though Lee wasn't quite sure what was worse, Gunner thinking about making a bomb or the fact that he was thinking in general.

Slipping his knife back in his holster, walking back towards the group with a plan in action. Gunner felt like he was in his element.

"Phosphate rock, it's got a density of 1.852. Melting point, 44.2 centigrade." Walking around his comrades as he spoke. "Guys, I want some gunpowder, fast."

All of them looked at him like he was nuts and maybe Gunner was, too many years of drugs and alcohol clouding his brain and his judgment. it was hard to take him seriously until Barney spoke up with that air of authority.

"Do it. The man's a chemical engineer, right?"

"And a Fulbright Scholar." Snarked Gunner with a smirk. "Pour it in the pipe." Tossing the pipes at Caesar.

"The big man might be onto something," Barney stated pulling out shell casing from his vest.

"You think?" Again Lee was questioning the idiocy.

"Probably not," Barney shrugged, but what other option did they have right now?

"You need some help with that? Let's go!" Gunner growled at Toll. He was trying to balance his grip on Y/n and pulling out what he had in his pockets with gunpowder.

"I'll fucking knock you the fuck out Gunner," Toll fumed glaring up at him. Caesar as always running interference.

"Here. Go blow yourself up." Caesar snapped tossing the pipe back at Gunner with force.

"Lighter?" Looking at Barney as if he was the only one in the group that had some sort of incendiary device, but the lighter was already sailing through the air and into Gunner's palm.

"I want that back," Barney grumbled. He wasn't expecting much to happen at all, not when it came to a plan of Gunner's. If it had been a plan coming from Toll it would have been a different story, but he was too occupied to think straight.

"Better get back!" Gunner chuckled lighting strips of fabric at the end of the bomb. "This is gonna be loud!"

Workers and the rest of the team up on their feet scrambling away from the blocked exit. Toll carefully and gingerly taking cover with Y/n cradled to his chest. He kept looking down at her face, those beautiful eyes hidden behind closed lids. Toll kept pleading with her to wake up, but still, Y/n didn't move.

Gunner was ecstatic, he couldn't wait for the explosion. He wanted to the one to rescue the lot of them. In truth, he was out of alcohol and already starting to get the shakes. He needed to get out of there and get a drink. His own little demons crawling around inside him screaming out for booze.

They all sat back waiting, eyes closed and ears covered but nothing happened. The fuse on the bomb had fizzled out, the metal casing had fallen to its side. Nothing, absolutely nothing had happened. No explosion, no loud noise, no rocks breaking free opening their escape route. Jaded and disheartened, the whole lot of them had started to believe that's how it would end, stuck miles underground in a mine that no one knew existed.

Toll fell movement in his arms. Y/n was fidgeting, squirming, her cheek rubbing against his shirt as she mumbled. Glancing down in panicked glee he watched her palm slip up his chest and around his neck.

"Sweetheart?"

"Five more minutes," Y/n grumbled snuggling herself into his neck. Toll was grinning over the moon. "Shh, sleepy time."

"Nah, you can sleep later." Toll chuckled pulling her away from her cozy spot.

Y/n groaned, blinking adjusting to the darkness. Every bit of her hurt, the telltale ache of a fight screaming throughout her body. Sitting up dazed, peering at Toll and his toothy grin.

"Now I know I'm dead if the rest of you assholes are in my dream." Y/n griped annoyed turning to her defense mechanism of jokes.

Toll was damn near speechless staring back at her. She shifted in his lap but stayed where she was. Caesar offering her a drink from his canteen while Toll slipped a hand into his pocket pulling out a tiny tin. For the longest time Y/n and Toll sat in silence lost in a staring contest, neither willing to blink.

A myriad of emotions sweeping between the both of them. Both sat tense as could be, almost like stone until she caught the movement of his hand out of the corner of her good eye. Smelled the hint of lavender as he flipped off the lid of the little tin container in his hand. Y/n closed her eye letting the tiny smile curl over her mouth feeling the tip of a calloused finger sweeping over each cut and gash.

There's so much she wanted to say, all those words right there on the tip of her tongue, and yet none of them want to form or make a sound. That familiar tension wafting between them hanging over them like a cloud. A thunderstorm of emotion ready to rain down them when the right words were spoken but were never uttered out loud.

Toll put the tin away, satisfied he'd done all could at the moment. She'd need stitches and a nice hot shower to clean out all the gunk, but for now, it'd have to do. Her breath hitched in her throat feeling his hands trail up her sides and around her back. Nestled on her shoulder blades tugging her in, hugging her, holding her close but he just couldn't say it. He just couldn't say what needed to be said.

Y/n closed her eyes leaning her temple into his, breathing in the woodsy musky scent that was Toll. Feeling the tension ebbing and waning between them. His chest pushing into hers with each wary breath. Feeling his fingers gently grasping a tighter hold on her. His shaky exhale and how the moist hot breath tickled her neck.

Why was it so complicated? Why couldn't either of them just come right out and say it? How could three little words be so damned impossible to speak? 'I love you' seemed to be the most loaded and dangerous phrase in all of existence and despite it all, they were both dying inside not having spoken it aloud.

Walls shaking, debris falling from the ceiling. A thunderous noise echoing out in the chamber as bits of rock fell and slipped away from their only way out. Bodies scrambling to get as far away from the noise as they could. Murmurs of desperation and fear filling the air. Creaking and clanging of metal machinery bursting through the rock face. Y/n could smell the cigar smoke and laughed before the others responded.

"I'm back," Trench's smug voice filling their ears.

Workers and victims of Vilain rushing through the opening and out of the mine. Throngs of tired and weary bodies making their way down the ramshackle road as they reunited with their loved ones. Toll walked beside Y/n helping her amble out of the mine and into the daylight. The conversation between Trench and Barney partially ignored by all until a black SUV pulled up beside them and out came Church.

Scanning the crowd of people not content until his sights were locked on Y/n. He watched her approach as he, Trench, and Barney talked of their plan of attack on Vilain. All he could think of was saving his own ass from the fury that would rain down on him the second he stepped foot on American soil. Church would be lucky if he kept his position in the Agency at all after all of this.

"You're sitting this one out," Church tried reasoning with Y/n even if it was for his selfish reasons. "He knows, he sent me to help."

"What the hell do you mean HE sent you? He doesn't know about all of this does he?" Y/n's voice raised, carried high enough for all to hear. Toll tensing beside her.

"Yeah, yeah he does." For the first time, Church appeared... scared.

"Oh my god!!" Pacing back and forth rubbing her face groaning in panic. "Great! Just fucking great!"

"What's wrong?" Barney's mind coming back to the story Billy had told at the bar not too long ago.

"Nothing! Let's go get Vilain." Y/n stared down Church until he was silent. Motioning the rest of the team to follow as a chopper touched down.

Various sets of eyes glanced between Y/n and Church. Studying the way she readied for the fight ahead. Cracking her neck from side to side slipping the tack vest over her chest. Slamming a magazine in her rifle, stuffing extras in her pockets. Knives, pistols, and spare ammo in any spot she could find. She was a completely different woman than they'd witnessed moments before.

"What about your eye?" Church raised a brow unsure she should be fighting at all. The black eye given by Vilain's men during hers and Billy's capture was swollen closed.

"You know nothing about me. Stupid on your part." Y/n grinned angrily. "Disadvantages," pointing at her swollen eye, "only piss me off and that's when I'm at my best, but so help me, if HE's physically here I'm shooting you first Church."

Caeser opened his mouth to ask who she was talking about but the twitch in her eye said otherwise. Y/n wasn't in the mood for bullshit anymore, all she wanted now was revenge. Staring down at a tiny monitor tracking Vilain's movements and the airport only a few miles away.

~~~~~~

Running through the terminal taking out soldier after soldier. She could hear the shouts and yells of her teammates. Always catching a glimpse of Toll not too far away embroiled in his own fight. He'd made her promise not to stray too far from him, but that wasn't usually possible in a fight. He knew she could handle herself that wasn't the issue, it was her stubbornness and refusal to let anyone know just how much pain she was in.

Clenching her teeth and hissing back a yelp. Vilain's men had done a number on her days before and Hector had only made it worse. She was sure there was a cracked rib or two, bruising down to her bones, but now wasn't the time. Vilain and his men had to pay and the plutonium couldn't leave that airport. Y/n took cover behind a ticket booth, swapping out for her last full magazine, damn near empty on ammo.

The fight had been dragging on for more than twenty minutes. Bodies and empty bullet casing littered the terminal floor. Barney had run after Vilain and Lee after Hector. It wouldn't be long before she'd have to go hand-to-hand combat if she couldn't get her mitts on a fresh weapon and soon. Glancing up in time, Y/n saw the legendary Lone Wolf himself giving her cover fire.

"Let me guess," she yelled up at him through the hail of gunfire. "HE sent you too Booker?"

"Just repaying a debt Lil one," Booker winked before running off making her grumble. She was starting to feel like a little kid all over again. A cavalry being sent in just for her because HE was worried.

~~~~~~~~

The fight or more so the small-scale battle was over. What was left of Vilain's soldiers taken alive were cuffed and transported awaiting punishment for their crimes. Toll was right beside Y/n practically carrying her out of the terminal. She was running on sheer adrenaline fumes now. Pain flooded her body and mind. Wincing with each step towards Church's poor excuse of a plane to get them home.

She dozed off curled into Toll before the plane was even fully in the air. Y/n was still in a deep slumber when Barney made the descent onto a tiny airstrip in France. He'd made his mind up after Billy died that he'd deliver his share from the job and his letter to his girl. It was the least he could do, but Y/n had other plans.

Waking up hearing Barney telling the guys to give him an hour and he'd be back, but Y/n sat up wiping the sleep from her eye. Barney stared at her curiously for a moment before it dawned on him what she was doing. Standing shakily, letting out a heavy sigh she motioned for the box in Barney's hands.

"It's better this way." Y/n swallowed back the anger she'd held onto over Billy's death.

"Why's it gotta be you?" Lee was perplexed staring her down.

Catching movement outside the plane window, Y/n saw the sedan pull alongside the plane. Darkened windows and government plates, she knew the M.O. of the person inside. Toll didn't understand, after everything they'd gone through she ... she was leaving? Slipping his hand through hers, squeezing tightly. Peering confused and hurt, just as worried as the rest of them.

"We can wait," Barney nodded toward the cockpit. "All get home together."

"There's something else I need to take care of and it appears to be waiting." She shook her head sighing, box clutched under her arm.

"You're leaving?!" Gunner grumbled hurt.

"Not permanently, no." His concern as misguided as it was sometimes was endearing. "There's just ... "

"I'll come with you." Toll was up on his feet standing behind her. His pack slung over his shoulder ready to go. He didn't go through hell and back to let her walk alone now.

Barney and Lee finally noticed the waiting car, exchanging glances not liking the unknown one bit. Y/n turned, putting the box on a seat. Why couldn't she do it? Why couldn't she just fucking tell him that she loved him? Why couldn't she say those three stupid little words? Those damned loaded words were stuck in her throat just hanging there. The words were formed and given life but the strength to push them out into forming sounds and giving them meaning wouldn't come.

Staring into those stoic blue/grey eyes, those midnight storms and falling star-filled eyes. To wake up to those beautifully raging oceans each morning was more than she could ever want, but damned if she could tell him.

"Do you trust me?"

Cupping his face in her palms as she smiled, seeing the doubt and worry in them broke her heart. It couldn't possibly mean what she hoped. Toll huffed a small laugh and nodded his head. He trusted her more than she'd ever realized. Toll wanted to be selfish, wanted to hold her, refusing to let her leave, but what would that solve?

His words were failing him again. Unable to say what should have been said long ago. Nodding his head reluctantly. Flooded with guilt that'd he thought the worst of her and Billy, but it all came out after they buried him. Finding out that he had a girl he wanted to marry. The demons were snarling inside his head and he was doing everything he could to stay strong because he was too overwhelmed looking at her bruised face. The demons were telling him he wasn't good enough and it was for the best.

Wordlessly, Toll warily yanked her into him, engulfing her in a hug he never wanted to end. Smiled feeling her arms snaking around his neck. That same tremble in her body shaking against him as they held each other tight. Y/n leaned up placing a lingering kiss on his cauliflower ear and whispered.

"I promise you, cross my heart that I WILL come home."

The men watched wordlessly as she stepped out onto the tarmac. The awaiting driver pulling open the backdoor for her. She risked another glance at Toll and she almost wished she hadn't because the heartbreak in his eyes filled her stomach with a sinking feeling. Maybe it was all in her head, maybe Caesar was wrong. Maybe she was nothing more than a friend because if she was more than, why wouldn't he have said anything after all this time?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/n sat at a little cafe watching and waiting for Billy's girl to show. She'd been hard to track down just the way Billy intended. He never wanted this kind of life to come back to haunt her, but life was funny like that. Y/n watched for days to get her schedule just right. No matter the speech she played in her head, she just couldn't face her. To be the bearer of bad news, not after getting the two of them together in the first place.

Sipping her coffee, seeing the front door to the apartment open. A crisp nurse's uniform washed and pressed on her tiny frame. Her sneakers were the first to find the surprise on the doorstep, to bump into the box. Glancing around the courtyard, looking up and down the street before she bent over and picked it up.

Y/n watched gutted and troubled seeing her slump onto the front step with her hand over her heart. She had to have known the way her eyes crinkled and mouth trembled. Slender delicate hands slipping open the box seeing the piles of cash, but it was the letter she went for first. Familiar loopy handwriting that called out to her.

Y/n could feel the burning stare of eyes on her. She'd known it was coming, she'd been in the city for days and he still had yet to make himself known. Though he had a hotel room for her and sent a doctor to treat her wounds, he'd yet to make himself known. It was a matter of when and yet he always seemed to come at the right time. A tall solidly built grey-haired man in an expensive suit slipped into the little bistro seat across from her.

"Don't beat yourself up kid," he said calmly as she glared back at him through sunglass hidden eyes.

"I'm not," Y/n huffed sipping from her coffee cup.

"I think I know you well enough to see that look in your eyes." he half-smiled warmly as Y/n rolls her eyes. "It wasn't your fault you know."

"Doubt it, so can we talk about something else." Her eye-line trailed back to Billy's girl as she silently wept on those steps.

They sat in silence watching the woman across the street as she unsteadily got up and walked back into her apartment. Her shift at the local hospital all but forgotten, Y/n knew she'd call in sick, give herself a few days to grieve. The older man and Y/n finally making eye contact again. Y/n rolled her eyes closed inhaling deeply and let out an exhausted sigh as she sat back in her chair slipping the sunglasses up onto her head.

"I like him," the suited man spoke with a soft side smile.

"Who?" Y/n questioned curiously, but a small part of her had her suspicions because it didn't seem like there wasn't anything he didn't already know.

"The man you live with. Exemplary record, several tours of duty, decent marksmen. He seems like a good man."

"He IS a good man. He's probably the most selfless, stubborn, set in his ways man, but he is better than he'll ever give himself credit for. He's the closest thing I've ever had to a best friend. He pushes me to be better than I am, he makes me better and I... I."

"You love him." The grey-haired man stated as a matter of fact with a growing smile as he glanced at Y/n as she turned her attention towards the faded paint on the tabletop.

"Who says I love him?" She grumbled feeling the heated blush throbbing on the tips of her ears.

"A father knows when his daughter's in love." He stood up and straightened his suit jacket, ruffled the top of her head with a chuckle. "Call your mother, you know how she worries."

"Step-father and I'm sure you've told her everything I'm up to," Y/n grumbled.

Billy spoke of their plans, the life he wanted her to have. The little apartment she'd bought and all the things they couldn't wait to do together. All the places they wanted to travel, and what kind of life he hoped to give her. Maybe if Toll wasn't being stubborn he would have heard Y/n tell Billy of him and how head over heels in love she was with him. Or how hopelessly lost she felt trying to find a way to get him to see her that way. How scared she was that Toll would never believe she really loved him. Or how even as awkward as that one morning had been, how she wished it would have gone further.

Toll might have heard Y/n speaking of that fateful morning and what could have been. He might have heard her spilling her guts out to Billy about the painful struggle of being in love with a man who could never believe it because of the monsters that lived inside his head. Toll might have heard her sniffle back a little cry over how much it hurt her not having the confidence to tell him the truth. That she loved him so much it hurt, but she didn't want to put him on the spot, to make him run, to make him shut down.

Y/n like Toll was very much stuck in her mind believing that all that had transpired so far was nothing more than in her head. It just little happened stances, little moments that couldn't have been anything other than pity, perhaps too much alcohol involved. She honestly thought she was a fuck up, that she was a hot mess struggling to keep up a strong exterior. Stuck in her mind that someone like Toll could never love a freak like her.

"Billy the Kid, it's your lucky day. You get to take point," Barney spoke trying to hide the gasp of breath as their group trekked up the forested hill weighed down with weapons and gear.

"My pleasure, sir." Billy grinned happily at Barney. Stopping beside Y/n he grinned down at her knowing she needed a distraction. "Race for old times sake?"

"You're on!" Y/n smirked as both took off sprinting up the hillside by side.

Their heavy packs swinging on their backs as they ran, rifles held tight to their chests. Jumping over brush on the ground and side-stepping low hanging branches as they ran. Barney had stopped movement altogether leaning against a tree watching the sight before him. The others took his lead and stared bewildered and impressed watching as Y/n took the lead on Billy as they disappeared over the top of the hill.

"Impressive," Gunner grumbled.

"Your girl's gotta stamina," Caesar chuckled shoving Toll's shoulder.

Billy and Y/n scouted ahead and waited until Barney and the rest made it to the top of the hill. Filling them in that the rest of the plane was at the bottom of the hill, though they weren't sure what they were looking for was in that heap of metal. The group spread out wandering through the wreckage. Y/n had her rifle raised scanning the treelines slowly turning in circles as she walked.

She was in her element in times like this. Hyper-vigilant, always trying to be aware of her surroundings, but something didn't sit right with her. She had a bad taste in her mouth like something was about to go south and Toll could see that look in her eyes. That wild, chomping at the bit look just like the one she had all those years ago in that tiny village when the shit hit the fan.

Barney had sent Y/n and Billy off to the other side of the valley to get a vantage point up the hill. Both sets of eyes watching down on them was better than one he figured. Y/n nodded towards Barney and took a last glimpse at Toll. Stepping towards him, putting her hand on his shoulder, she gave him a soft smile and a quick peck on the cheek.

Like a little assurance, he'd be alright because she was watching out for them. Toll swallowed the lump in his throat watching her jog away with Billy. Missing another chance to say he was sorry before she disappeared. He didn't like it, everything felt off.

Heading back towards their plane, all of them ready to meet up with Y/n and Billy and get the hell out of there. Barney just wanted to get the package back to Church and get him off their asses. He didn't want any part of the Agency or their wrath if shit didn't go to plan.

"Aren't you curious about what's inside the case?" Lee asked Barney.

"No, I just wanna get Church off our back," Barney grumbled. The sooner they got home, the better. "Y/n! Billy the Kid!" Barney bellowed out into the foggy valley, only to be met with an eerie silence. "Where the hell are they? Billy! Y/n!"

They all saw movement through the fog, shadowy figures. Tensions ramped up high and weapons were raised, safeties clicked off and fingers hovering over triggers. Stopping in their tracks, Barney and the others could see darkened figures with weapons pointed back at them. A lone figure in the center raised his arms into the air like he was waving a white flag of truce.

"Drop your weapons!" Thundered a deep accented voice that cut through the murky fog.

"No way!" Griped an angry on edge Toll.

"It ain't happening," chimed in Gunner, the head of the man with raised arms caught in the crosshairs of the sight of his gun.

"No?" Questioned the man in a deep raspy French accent. "Are you sure?"

Pushing through the fog four men walked roughly carrying a beaten-up Y/n between two men and the other two carried Billy. Stripped of their weapons and gear. Evidence of a heavily one-sided fight displayed all over Y/n and Billy. Billy gritted his teeth, spitting blood. The red oozy liquid dripped from the corner of his mouth and a cut above his left eye. He stumbled as they shoved him forward.

Y/n was seething, squirming like a wildcat. Her arms bound behind her back. Her nose looked worse for wear like it'd been broken again. Blood gushing from her nostrils and flooded down her lips. A black eye that was beginning to swell shut. Caesar had to hold Toll back, keep him from doing something stupid.

Barney clenched his jaw and cursed himself seeing the blood pooling through her pant leg, but she wasn't about to give up. Pulling her head back, she bashed her forehead into the nose of one of the men holding onto her. Growling like a caged animal willing to fight until her dying breath. Toll was seething, a low guttural snarl rumbling through him.

"I'm sorry, sir. They were waitin'," Billy was trying his damnedest not to show his captors any fear.

"Cowardly bastards!" Y/n screeched tugging against her restraints. "I bet your mom wishes she would have swallowed instead of letting your punk bitch daddy finish inside!"

"Drop your weapons now," Frenchie requested again glaring at an unafraid Y/n.

"Don't do it!" Billy pleaded with a level tone.

The Frenchmen pulled out a pistol aiming it straight at Barney. A smug smirk clinging to the edges of his mouth. He was already bored with the situation and wanted his way, but he'd be content even if things got a little messy.

"He's a strong soldier and she ... well she's a rebellious one. I can see why you have her around, she looks fun, but let's see how strong they really are." Glancing back at one of his men, nodding his head. "Do it."

A tall black-haired man that looked to be the second in command pulled out a knife from beneath his leather coat. Flipping the blade sinisterly in his palm. He raised his arm, blade in hand holding it over Y/n's chest. The tip poking into her skin just below her collarbone. She was growling and snarling, pulling against the men that held onto her. The knife gliding over her shirt cutting a hole in the fabric.

"NO!" Barney yelled knowing what was about to happen.

"Do it fucker!" She roared spitting blood on the face of the black-haired soldier. Y/n trying to keep his attention on her instead of Billy. She was ready to take the brunt of it all, to put herself through that pain instead of Billy. "Pussy bitch!"

The black-haired man bit back a menacing laugh bringing the knife to her face. The sharpened blade slicing up her cheek, but she refused to scream. Refused to give him any satisfaction. Clenching her jaw, the muscles flexing and screaming silently as he cut. Y/n stared him down if only looks could kill.

Toll was losing his mind behind Barney. Caesar for as big as he was was having a harder time controlling him holding an arm across his chest. Barney was seething watching the black-haired dirtbag shift his attentions towards Billy. The same knife raised over his chest. Digging into his skin, slicing through his shirt, and ripping a long gash that went across his sternum. Billy was grunting and hissing in pain.

Billy's head dipped forward in agony. Clenching his jaw, spit dripping, mingling with the blood in his mouth. He was angry, flooded with adrenaline and rage. Catching sight of Y/n next to him and how her good eye kept darting towards Toll. Billy couldn't help but think about his girl, and all the things he was going to miss out on. He didn't see a way out of this, not one that left them all alive.

"Don't do nothin' he says!" Billy growled towards his friends across the field.

The black-haired beast wasn't having any of that resistance. His leg pulled back in a flash, swiftly kicking Billy in the stomach with a force that packed a wallop. Doubling over, heaving, gasping for breath Billy fell to his knees.

The men that had restrained Billy had stepped back letting the black-haired tyrant hover over him. His fists gripping onto Billy's shirt as he leaned in close. It was a show of dominance and control. A way to egg on Barney and the others hoping they would act on impulse and the real fun could begin.

"Don't talk," he grunted in Billy's ear.

"You should not speak," Frenchie pointed towards Billy, though he was eyeballing Y/n behind his sunglasses.

"I'm gonna kill him," Barney hissed towards Christmas from across the field.

"Not if I get to him first," Toll growled. His demons were hissing, crawling around inside his head, scrapping, clawing to get out. His knuckles crunched and cracked as his fists clenched his rifle.

"When I fire, his head will be gone," Frenchie spoke nonchalantly waving his pistol at Billy. "Three seconds."

"Don't give up your weapons," Billy grunted staring towards his comrades trying not to show any fear. "You don't owe me anything!"

The pistol dug into his skull. Pressing harder, nudging his head to the side.

"One," Frenchie started counting.

Barney and the others still had their weapons raised, men across the field in sight ready to meet their maker. Maggie stood off to the side in the back watching it all go down. Seeing the young man she'd spoken to on the flight over on his knees. Bloodied and broken. Gulping a breath of air, she almost hesitated to remember he quietly spoke of a woman.

"Two." Frenchie glared behind his sunglasses trying not to smile.

"Don't do this! They'll kill everyone!" Billy implored staring directly into Barney's eyes.

"He's gonna kill 'em," Lee whispered, his eyes not leaving his target as he spoke at Barney's side.

"Three," Frenchie sighed. His gloved finger over the trigger slowly pulling back.

"NO!" Y/n screamed. It was bloodcurdling, the sound driving some to cover their ears. "Kill me fucker! Come on," she antagonized. "Come on! It takes a real man to kill a woman you arrogant, smug, limp-dicked, cheese-eating surrender monkey! What's the matter? Still suffering an ego complex after your people bowed down to Hilter?!"

Barney could see the leader flinch. Craning his head towards Y/n, the gun he held aim straight over her heart. Pressing the muzzle into her flesh as he scowled, but Y/n laughed. It was a sick, demented, tormented sort of laugh. The kind that convicts get as they're getting strapped into the electric chair seeing their imminent death before their eyes.

"Oh did the little woman strike a nerve?" She spat a mouthful of blood all over his coat. Sneering, bearing her blood-stained teeth his way. A look that even made Gunner's eyes widen in shock. "Bitch! You can't do anything without your little cronies! Typical cowardly Frenchman!"

It happened in a split second. One second Y/n was barely standing on her feet, held up by two armed men. Then next the leader had smashed the butt of his pistol into the side of her head. Toll was growling and spitting. His nostrils flaring as he pushed against Caesar's hold on him. Y/n went down to the ground like a sack of potatoes, crumbling on her side. Curling into herself wincing in agony, but still refusing to scream in pain.

Stars and floating lights swirling around her vision as she lay in the dirt. Coughing and inhaling dust and grass. The leader stood over Y/n, cocking his head from side to side. The growling rage rising and falling in his chest. His breath was ragged and wrathful. Clenching his jaw staring down at her, determined to make her suffer. He was about to stomp his foot into Y/n's temple when Barney yelled out.

"Drop 'em!"

Billy groaned in defeat leaning forward on his knees. Barney and the others slowly laid down their weapons. A cache of guns littering the ground around them. Toll never once took his eyes off Y/n. His teeth grinding so loudly they all could hear. A guttural growl, like a wild animal raging from his chest. The demons were so close to being in full control and seeing red.

"I'm impressed. Very good use of intelligence." The leader spoke as his men gathered up the weapons. "Everybody stays calm, we'll be done soon, and then we'll be on our way.

"Don't do it," Caesar whispered at Toll seeing him inching forward.

Men clad in black walking back across the meadow with all of their weapons in hand. A bowie knife being handed off to the second in command. Gunner grumbling seeing his knife in the hands of a peon, an insect. Their Expendable emblem etched into the handle that caught the eye of the leader in black shades.

"Bring me that knife," he motioned his gun towards his right-hand man.

Taking the blade from its sheath, turning it over in his leather-gloved hands.

"What's this symbol?" He asked with a smirk. "I like symbols." Pulling down the collar of his shirt showing off the tattoo on his neck towards Barney and the others. "This is the symbol of the goat. The pet of Satan, they say." Looking towards the sky. "You have a case that belongs to me," he stated turning his head towards Barney.

"Does it?" Barney scowled.

"Yes, like your lives." The leader pointed out a matter of factly.

"It was lost." Billy piped up looking towards Y/n. "He doesn't have it." Billy could see she was suffering.

"Last time," the leader sighed annoyed. "The case or you will force me," he spoke stalking towards Billy, Gunner's knife still in hand pointed over Billy's heart. "To cut his heart out."

"Do it, you piece of shit," Billy spat through clenched teeth much like Y/n had earlier.

The leader grinned eagerly, showing pearly white teeth at Barney. He was a little too happy for the incoming moment. He'd gladly slice into Billy and his impudent attitude.

"Wait!" Maggie called out stepping forward taking the device from her pack and holding it up in her hand for all to see.

The militant leader pulled his arm back from Billy's chest, taking the knife away from his heart. Lee held out an arm trying to hold Maggie back. Both Barney and Lee unprepared for her bold move.

"Let me have it," Lee held out his hand taking the little black box from Maggie's hands.

Christmas stepped slowly across the field, his gaze darting back and forth between Billy and Y/n. There was no hiding in the way he looked, which one of the two he favored over the other. The villainous leader smirking smugly knowing which buttons to push before he did so.

Everyone was eyeing Christmas stalking between the two groups, trying not to show emotion but his eyes betrayed him like always. They lingered too long in Y/n's direction and the second in command took notice. Lee dropped the box at his feet, turning to walk away. The black-haired right-hand man didn't take kindly to the object of their hunt being thrown at him like a piece of trash.

His eyes lowered down on the box as he scowled. Glancing back at Lee with disdain. Lee turned around and headed back towards Barney and the others, risking his back exposed to attack.

"Hey," barked the black-haired man causing Lee to turn around annoyed.

"You talkin' to me?" He grumbled, biting his tongue from saying anything else. Squinting his eyes gleaming with revenge.

"Pick it up," the second demanded glaring at Lee. "Hand it to me."

"Go get it yourself," Lee scoffed rage-filled agitation.

"What was that?" The Second in command questioned annoyed.

"You heard," Lee spat back glowering his gaze on the piece of dirt.

The dark-haired brute kicked the little black box in Lee's direction. Pebbles, dirt, and grass swept up in a tornado of air. Stepping towards Lee, pulling the knife he'd used on Y/n and Billy out from its holster, he let it rest on Lee's neck. Christmas closed his mouth staring the man down.

"Now pick it up," inching closer to his face. Baring his teething, poking the tip of the knife into Lee's ear. "Hand it to me nicely," he growled. "Or you'll get what he got," nodding towards Billy.

"Do it, Lee," Barney spoke calmly. It was their only hope in this situation.

Lee bent down picking up the box slipping it into the scowling man's hand. Turning towards Billy and Y/n with a look tinted in fear.

"You'll be all right, Billy," he spoke softly making Billy nod his head. Lee turned his eyes on Y/n. "Stay calm for the Tolls," Lee spoke cryptically, but Y/n knew what he meant. He didn't want to turn around and walk away from them, but he did.

"Respect is everything," the leader lamented still playing with Gunner's bowie knife. "Without respect, we're just people. Common, shitty people."

Billy couldn't believe they had given away the box, the item they'd come from in exchange for his life. Shaking his head, gritting his teeth trying to fathom why.

"I'm sorry sir," Billy spoke distressed.

"It's not your fault," Barney shook his head offering some bit of comfort before glaring at the leader. "Now what?"

"We're both fighting men. And I respect that. And fighting men, they don't deserve to be killed like sheep." Brandishing the knife, waving it around in the air, cutting a slice through it. "But," taking off his sunglasses in a dramatic flare. "Respect must be taught."

He stood with a smug triumphant smile. Pacing back and forth glaring Barney down.

"Lie down with your face on the ground until we leave."

Barney scowled staring between Y/n, Billy, and the leader and back around his own men surrounding him. He didn't want to do it, but if it was what saved Y/n and Billy, then he'd bite that bullet. Toll was snarling, sneering, baring his teeth at the Frenchman. Barney could see the fury burning in his gaze, the itch to race across that field and decimate all in his way just to get to Y/n. Barney trying to remain calm, choking down his anger.

"Get down," he spoke flatly, agitated.

Cesar was biting back from speaking, pissed off and furious. Rolling his eyes not wanting to give in. This was nothing more than a power play, a show of dominance and he wasn't used to being dominated like that. Toll was the last to lower to the ground. His knees hitting the dirt not taking his eyes off Y/n for one second.

The roar of an incoming chopper piercing through the air. It's blades forcing dust and debris flying in the air. The Frenchman's men gathering together heading towards the chopper.

"Up," he commanded, motioning for Billy and Y/n to be picked up off the ground and on their feet.

The leader stepped up to Billy still playing with Gunner's knife. Sunglasses covering his eyes, shielding him from the cloud of dirt flying around him. Barney risked lifting his head off the ground to watch across the field, maybe get a number off the chopper to trace. He saw the leader standing in front of a defiant Billy.

"Are you afraid of me?" The leader asked Billy trying not to gloat.

"No. I'm not." Billy sneered with a smirk in the face of his captor.

"You should be," the leader grinned tossing the knife to his second in command.

He held the knife over Billy's chest, tip aimed right at his heart. The leader clad in black took a step backward smirking. Faster than anyone could register, his leg was flying through the air. His boot connecting with the knife and kicking into Billy's chest.

Billy's face filled with anguish and fear. Pain flooded his body as it stumbled backward. The men who held him tightly, let him go. They watched him fall to the ground, coughing and choking. Y/n was screaming, bellowing out like a banshee. Struggling and fighting against the men that held her.

"BILLY!"

Writhing against her constraints, tugging and squirming against the ropes that bound her as the men scampered towards the chopper behind. The leader wasn't about to let her go. Grabbing a fistful of her hair, he leaned down and pulled the knife out of Billy's chest and tugged her along beside him. She was kicking and screaming, trying to make contact with anything to get loose, but it was no use.

Wiping Billy's blood on his sleeve, shoving Y/n towards his second in command. He picked her up and tossed her over his shoulder carrying her towards the chopper. Barney was yelling, Toll was screaming her name.

"TOLL." It was the last thing she managed to cry out before she was knocked unconscious and shoved inside the awaiting chopper. It was barely off the ground before Barney and Toll were sprinting across the field. Barney skidding to his knees beside Billy.

"I'm dying," Billy coughed, blood oozing out of his mouth.

"Don't talk Billy," Barney replied trying to lift him off the ground. "Cut his hands loose." Lee was at his side knife in hand slicing through the restraints.

"The letter," peering up at Barney in agony. Blood filling his lungs, he felt like he was drowning. "In my pocket," he implored.

"All right, kid. I got it," Barney fished a crumpled envelope from his cargo pocket. Scattered around them were the rest of their men looking on in misery. "I got it."

Billy was fading, everything he had in him was gone. His body had gone limp in Barney's arms. His eyes had gone glassy and cold. Blood still oozed and spilled out of the wound on his chest. There was no sputtering cough, no last-minute breath of air, Billy was just... gone.

Toll was chasing after the chopper as if he could catch it. Watching helplessly as it flew higher into the air, as it turned into nothing more than a black dot on the horizon. Growling and spitting, his chest heaving unable to catch his breath. Grabbing at his gear throwing it to the ground. Yelling and wailing into the air, screaming like a mad man.

Dropping to his knees, pounding his fists into the ground. Over and over slamming his knuckles so hard they bled. Her name repeating in an inhuman sound. Billy was dead and Y/n was gone. Toll was reliving a nightmare all over again seeing her taken from him without being able to do a thing about it.

Barney turned his fury on Maggie. Stomping towards her, not caring anymore about the threats from Church. She couldn't look him in the eye. So many secrets, so many lies, and for what?

"I'm so sorry," she spoke, her voice full of sorrow and regret, but Barney was on a warpath now.

"I believe you," he grumbled staring her down, swallowing back all that overbearing hatred climbing up his throat. "What was in that case?"

"A computer," Maggie whispered meeting his gaze. "Blueprint of a mine."

"A mine," he shook his head getting angrier by the second. All of this for a mine?! It wasn't that simple. "What mine?" He roared making her flinch.

"The Russians stored nearly 5 tons of weapons-grade plutonium." She closed her eyes not willing to see his ferocity anymore. "The mine was abandoned after the Cold War. No one knows it's there. The blueprint shows where the plutonium is stored. We wanted to stop it before it got in the wrong hands."

"I guess that didn't happen, did it?" Lee growled at her. "This kid died so some dirtbag can make bombs. Y/n was taken for what?! Another cover-up for Church?" He stomped away from the rest of the group and headed towards Toll.

"I'm so sorry," Maggie repeated.

"Not as sorry as I am," Barney growled before turning his back on her and walking away. "Let's take care of him." Ceasar and Gunner following behind Barney carrying Billy's body away.

"We'll get her back," Lee spoke taking a knee beside Toll.

For the first time in a long time, Lee was truly terrified. Huddled on the ground beside him staring blankly into the distance was Toll. They'd been through a lot of shit in their time, but this, what all of this had just done to that man was worse than anything. Lee had never seen the stoic behemoth beside him show much in the emotion department until Y/n came alone.

Now he was staring entranced on a spot over the mountains with silent tears streaming down his face. There was nothing but fire and brimstone in his eyes. Nothing but wrath and destruction, pain, and anguish. Toll was shaking, uncontrollable jerking movements jolted through his body.

"I can't...," Toll whispered dropping his sight to bloody knuckles. "I can't lose her Lee."