#timl

This wasn't going to be my next post. I'm half way through writing up what it was like to have the IUS fitted.

But this just happened, and I wanted to write it while the feelings are fresh. Maybe I'll come back and reflect on it later, but I want to record how it made me feel in the moment.

The background, in brief. I am at a dance. We are doing a kind of group dance thing, which involves linking hands boy-girl-boy-girl.

So I'm stood between two of my guy friends, hands linked, waiting for the dance to start. One guy friend decides it's funny to squash my hand.

The problem is it's not just a jokey light squeeze. Maybe he thinks it is, I don't know, but knowing him, he probably thinks it's funny to make it hurt a bit.

It's not funny. It really hurts. I feel like my fingers are going to break. That's not an exaggeration, it wasn't a little bit of pain. I was wearing a ring on my middle finger, and I genuinely thought the ones on either side were going to snap around where the ring was.

So I asked him to stop. From the way I said it, it was clear I wasn't joking. No lightness, no hint of laughing along. "No, you're really hurting me. Please stop."

He did stop, not quite straight away, long enough to make it clear he could keep going.

And a few seconds later he did it again. Same thing, same asking him to stop, same delayed reaction. And again.

This time I tried to pull my hand away, again pretty much begging him to let go. He wouldn't let go. If anything he squeezed harder. I finally managed to yank my hand away, tears in my eyes at this point. He didn't seem to realise anything was wrong at all. He held his hand out for mine agian.

I felt like prey. I immediately had to run to the toilet to have a panic attack.

Ok, it's a while later now. Been super busy, so I'm finishing writing this now, but it was a couple of weeks ago. And after having some breathing room, I have several thoughts.

I do not blame the guy in the least. I don't think it was intentional, and after working out I'd had a panic attack and he pretty much caused it, I could tell he felt shit about it.

The thing that was important here was the power imbalance. Often this kind of thing is a social power imbalance, with offensive language and so on being called "banter", and those hurt by it being unable to get it to stop.

This was a physical manifestation of that. I was in the weaker position; literally, I was weaker than him, and couldn't get him to stop. The only way I had to defend myself was to ask nicely, a demeaning thing in and of itself.

But to not be listened to. To nearly be fairly seriously injured because there was no way to defend myself. That was terrifying.

Two things have happened within a couple of days of each other, that have made me think that writing this is a good idea.

Thing 1: it is international women's day today

Thing 2: yesterday I had the Mirena IUS fitted

Up until maybe a year ago, thing two wouldn't have happened. Until about a year ago, I viewed anything to do with my vagina or genitals taboo and undiscussable. A year ago, I wouldn't have even written "vagina" in the previous sentence. I would have written "downstairs area" or something.

So what happened a year ago? I had a revelation. I decided to use the menstrual cup (which is a whole other story I won't go into now). Long story short, it revolutionised my periods. I couldn't believe I hadn't tried it sooner.

Well, actually I could believe it. I knew why. I'd heard them discussed with accompanying grimaces of speculative disgust at the mere thought of period blood (and I don't blame those girls, but that is a story for another time).

I had a sort of revelation. I know I'm not the first to realise this, bit I want to add my voice to the crowd. So much of a woman's experiences are branded as dirty or taboo, and it's getting in the way of women making valid decisions of how to best look after themselves.

So this is what I'm doing. I'm not an expert in most of the things I'll probably write about. But I do know about my body, and hopefully in sharing my experiences, I can contribute to a wider and more open discussion.

Of course, maybe no one will read this, in which case it is some sort of strange diary I guess? Which in fairness is also probably a pretty useful thing to have to keep track of how I'm doing.

Anyway, enough rambling.

TIML