At this point I had begun texting her pretty much everyday. Before her I didn't talk much, but then I found something to talk about everyday. That night at the park ended around 1am so technically it was Sunday, January 6th. The following wednesday I believe, was when we arranged to hang out at my house so I picked her up when she got out of class. My parents were celebrating their honey moon in Hawaii and I still had winter break from community college and no work that day. The house was like an ice box so I turned the heater on. While she was doing some homework I decided to cook for us some spaghetti and sausage, she popped in the kitchen periodically to see how I was doing. After we ate I was doing the dishes, I remember her putting her plate on the counter next to me and saying thank you, I kissed her on the cheek. The moment was so wonderful to me I felt like we were an old married couple. She was finishing up some homework when I came up and put my arms around her waist and my head on her shoulder, I wanted to watch a movie with her, thinking about it now I was kind of pushy. She was already on the couch I had draped a blanket over, one of my dogs was laying by her feet. I slipped in behind her after I got the movie playing. My arm was going numb underneath her but I didn't care, I had never felt more at peace than when I got to just lay there with her. After the movie was over....and here is where I kind of feel like slamming my head into a wall.... I started playing some mellow music, I'm on the floor, she's on the couch, I think she's pretending to be asleep as to deter me from going over to her. If this was the case I ignored it. I crawled over to her and just nuzzled her back with my head (the one on my shoulders people I'm not crazy). She got up, her voice was a little muffled at first but she was saying stop so I backed away immediately. She sounded a little choked up, she said "I don't want to lead you on". She said she appreciated my kisses though. We talked for a minute, she told me how she wasn't ready for a boyfriend and about the shitty ones she's had in the past. I made a promise to her that I wouldn't abandon her and that I'd still be her friend regardless of the fact that she did not have mutual feelings for me, I took her home after that. So we continued to hang out, she didn't have as much input in conversations as she did before. I remember taking her out one weekend, she seemed kind of lethargic. I treated her to some sushi, although she didn't eat much of it b/c she had actually eaten earlier. I think took her ice skating, a young guy, one of the employees came over to lace our skates. He kept asking if we were dating, she kept quiet, sometimes I wonder what she would have said had she decided to answer. Every time he would ask it was like someone was driving nails into my skull, it was painful to admit that we weren't.....it felt like a date to me. She apologized to me when got to the rink, she must have felt guilty. I told her not to worry about it, the fact that I got to spend time with her really meant more to me. She was kind of clumsy on the skating rink, I had her hold on to me so she wouldn't fall. She was saying how it really did look like we were dating considering we were holding hands on the skating rink, I don't remember what I said if anything. We stayed until closing (which was around 10pm) then we went for a walk on this trail overlooking the freeway near this giant sculpture. I had a bunch of old clothes in the trunk of my car I was getting rid of and she was cold so I gave her one of my old hoodies. She said thank you, I kissed her, partially missing her lips -_-'. As we walked I stuck my arm out for her to hold on to. It was dark, I told her should anything happen I would give her my keys and and she should run back up to the street. I didn't want anything to happen to her, it felt good knowing I had someone to protect. Whenever she got scared she would clutch me tighter, gawd that felt good. After a while we headed back to the car. I drove us over to the fountain near the mall. We walked outside for a minute but it was cold and getting late so we didn't stay there very long. I was running out of ideas and I wasn't ready for the night to end so I just took us for a drive. I remember her saying she wanted a drink, but it was so late I couldn't find anyplace open that I could buy her one, she dosed off after awhile. She got back up after a while and asked where we were going, I told her I was taking her home. I was tired, trying to keep my eyes open as best I could. Out of my peripherals I could see her looking at me from the passenger seat, I think she was smiling, I wonder what she was thinking, I wanted to look over at her and smile but I was focused on the road. I think she leaned her head on my shoulder at one point during the ride back. I continued to text her daily, but her replies dragged out over longer periods of time, often times they came in the middle of the night. Monday, January 14th I got my wisdom teeth pulled so I was out of commission for a week. After that the only times I could see her were on sunday's for like 2 hours in the morning, she got busier and the small amounts of time she wasn't I had to work. So I would just take her to breakfast at this waffle house out of the way. I would tell her how much I appreciated her and how she changed my life. My parents saw the changes and they were happy with them, they had no idea why. I talked more, I did more around the house, I started applying to a bunch of different jobs. She made me more ambitious. Sunday, January 27th two days before her birthday and the day I start my second college semester. I made this design for her using photoshop and had it printed on a crewneck sweater, I have this thing for girls in oversized sweatshirts. I wanted to give her something unique, something that no one else could give, something that took time and effort to make to show just how much I care about her. I gave her the present just before we parted ways that day, she told me that she felt kind of guilty that I would do such a thing for her, I told her I was happy to do it. I got a rude awakening the next sunday February 3rd. I few days prior I had noticed she changed her status on Facebook status to in a relationship, but there was no name attached to it. My heart sank, but a few things popped into my mind when I saw this. #1 She got a boyfriend #2 She was trying to deter any guys from trying to ask her out #3 Perhaps this has something to do with me. This whole time I had remained hopeful that her feelings for me might change and I sort of built an ego along the way. My ego prompted me to ponder the idea that this status might have something to do with me. So that day at Starbucks I had asked her some indirect questions to see if she would mention anything about having a boyfriend but nothing came up. Before we parted ways again, I had one last card I wanted to play. I tried to kiss her, but this time she moved her hand over her lips, my head slumped to her shoulder. We didn't talk about it until I got to work that day. The fact that I would consider that the status had anything to do with me without any sort of mutual agreement that we were dating was foolish on my part. This is what I mean when I say I have a hard time accepting things at face value. I was in denial of the fact that she had no interest in me, I was just blind sighted by my affection for her. I knew I had been seeing signs before hand but I disregarded them and made a fool of myself. I got mad because I thought she decided to date a guy she just met over me when in reality she had known this boy a lot longer than me. Not to mention that we had already discussed how she felt when she was at my house. I felt like the lowest of the low and immediately swallowed my pride and began begging for forgiveness. The last thing I wanted to be was a boy she regretted, I care to much about her to lose her as a friend. This has long since been resolved though, but my point behind this was to admit to my shortcomings as a person and to show that I make mistakes. I have a hard time admitting when I'm wrong more so then I'd like to let on and I'm using this as a way of making strides to improve upon that. Also I've previously mentioned that I don't like to talk about myself much or just certain things that happen in my life, and I do appreciate my privacy but I realize that if I build a shell for myself like I did for some time after this happened no one can really get to know me. This story wasn't the only thing I wanted to talk about but I decided to share it because it highlights some mistakes I've made. The new year is coming around and I'm just trying to make strides to better myself as a person. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go collapse now.....its like 4:51am and I've been writing for the past couple hours and I feel a bit delirious.....oh gawd I'm gonna hate myself in the morning haha goodnight....or goodmorning rather...blah.
