#thiswontendwell

Where Knowledge Costs More Than Your Soul

Alright, dipsh*ts, strap in. You signed up for this, and there are no refunds. This isn’t your whimsical Hogwarts fantasy. You’re not here to discover the magic of friendship or learn how to summon sparkles out of your ass. This is where knowledge rips you apart and stitches you back together into something unrecognizable.

📖 Your Orientation Guide to This F*cked-Up Institution

This place doesn’t have a cute Latin motto because it doesn’t need one.

💀 Our Faculty Includes:

The thing lurking in the restricted section of the library. Do not make eye contact.

Your Ethics Professor, who hasn’t been seen since 1789 but still somehow grades papers.

The Janitor, who has a higher body count than any war on record.

🏛 Our Mission Statement: "Learn or be unmade. Survive or be consumed. Knowledge is power, and power does not come freely."

📚 Your First Textbooks (a.k.a. The Reason You’ll Need Therapy)

1️⃣ 'The Digestive Consequences of Forbidden Runes' 📌 Warning: Do not read aloud unless you enjoy violent self-digestion. 📌 Side effects include spontaneous organ failure, reality distortion, and mild acne.

2️⃣ 'Summoning for Morons: How to Not Get Reverse-F*cked by an Eldritch Horror' 📌 Most of you will ignore this book and become class demonstrations. 📌 Foreword by an entity that speaks in screams and eats dreams.

3️⃣ 'Advanced Necromancy: Because Death is for Quitters' 📌 Required for all students unless you’d rather die (which won’t be an option). 📌 Contains actual soul remnants. Probably still whispering.

*4️⃣ 'Blood Magic: The Only Currency That Matters' 📌 If you thought tuition was expensive, wait until you start hemorrhaging on command. 📌 Your financial aid package includes a ceremonial dagger and a strong suggestion to "become acquainted with pain."

🎓 Your First-Day Schedule: Because Your Choices Are Illusions

⏳ 8:00 AM – Opening Ritual:

Attendance is mandatory. Missing it means you become part of next year’s curriculum.

Bring a lock of hair and something that means a lot to you. You will not be getting it back.

🔪 10:00 AM – Self-Defense Against the Professors

Yes, they will attack you. No, they do not take questions.

If you lose a limb, visit the Nurse’s Office (currently a sentient mass of bandages and screaming).

📜 1:00 PM – Contract Binding 101

Fun fact: Signing sh*t before reading it is how 90% of students end up as indentured spirits.

Second fun fact: The other 10% learn the hard way that “in perpetuity” means “until time itself dies.”

🩸 3:00 PM – Introduction to Blood Rituals (Or "Your Finger Isn’t That Important Anyway")

If you pass out, your body will be used for additional coursework.

First lesson: "How to Not Accidentally Curse Yourself Into a Parasitic Feedback Loop."

💀 5:00 PM – Survival Training in the Catacombs

Yes, we have catacombs. Yes, something lives down there. No, it is not friendly.

Pro tip: Don’t be the slowest. The slowest gets eaten.

🏆 Graduation Requirements: Hope You Like Losing Your Humanity

✔ Pass all exams (Written, Practical, and Existential). ✔ Prove your knowledge is worth something (or at least your soul is). ✔ Survive until the end of the semester. ✔ Make peace with the fact that “graduation” might mean “transcending mortality and becoming a cosmic plaything.”

🛑 Final Warning for Fresh Meat (That’s You)

❌ Do NOT go into the North Wing after dark. ❌ Do NOT accept “free tutoring” from anyone with glowing eyes. ❌ If your roommate disappears, act like they never existed. ❌ The food is moving for a reason—stop questioning it. ❌ If you hear whispers in the walls, they’re not for you. Stop listening.