#thisisgradschool

We had that conversation last time. Whether smartness is a ruse. And whereas I really meant it – that I’m unpersuaded that any person of healthy mind has ever been born with a better brain than any other** – what I was actually veiling is reflection on my own development. I am a doctor, somewhat close to a second, and because I am witness to these degrees despite how I waste days, I don’t find it impressive at all. Why do doctorates have to be impressive? Why call someone “genius” if they can be of no use? In a sense, it gets to “superiority” and “judgment” and whether any person deserves to be so applauded or punished. [Corrollary: Are homo sapiens a superior species? Depending on how one means that, I could say no and be confident.] The thing about loftiness is how it risks deluding. 

With me, universities were largely a vehicle for avoiding the real world, the world of trying, about running away from myself and that majority of the universe that is forkingforrealwilliams harder than school. Having earned the behavior set of a man of bad habits, short-sighted indulgences; employable, only arguably; fuck, how I lived up to that. On the other hand, I don’t find doctors impressive because … when a man so professionally avoids the real world for this long, no matter the quality of his ideas, we always call him Dr. and clap like he’s special. Every time that’s what happens.^^ I say this to friends, insist it!, and always get charmed eyerolls or laughs. They think I can’t be serious – that it’s just an affable musing from the brother, son, multi-nephew, and grandson of union electricians. Humility filtered through generations. But you know better.

**(we just use ‘em differently, which is a matter of verbing, not having; due to choices emerging from circumstances, not a matter of inherent traits)

^^(Which isn’t the same as believing this can’t be hard or that doctors and those valued as “geniuses” don’t deserve to be proud. This is solely to caution about that pride’s extent and note how often we regard ourselves stupidly highly – categorically separate – when [no matter those terminal letters and hierarchies] our sum, our consciousness, and we are precisely as worthy as everything/-one/-time else.) 

You have every right to be disappointed, btw. While you were gone, I wasn’t strong. Too seldom tried. Lived more in my head than out. Set a decade on fire. Meaning that for however richly I lived, where living richly is the only kind that organisms do, I lived with scarce progress. And whereas the F.A.E. is correct that people cannot without double standard be judged for their actions, the sidelights are true too: 

(1) My inaction can and must be judged as itself

a week & a few days until i embark on this grad school adventure. still on the hunt to find the perfect planner and more importantly, the perfect pen. will i be ready for grad school when i find these? probably not.