#this gal

Guess who fixed their phone and regained drawing privileges

Edit: ID under cut bc this text is enormous lmao

Y'ALL AIN'T GOING NOWHERE-

SO IMAGINE-

A Beauty and the Beast AU with Wifey and Alastor with Alastor as Beast(because obviously he was transformed for being an evil terrible manipulative person who cared about nobody but himself-) and Wifey as Belle(DUH). So Alastor is this fucking tall evil demon man who makes impossible contracts with people and when they inevitably fail they become part of his staff.

Let's say Charlie or someone Wifey cares about makes a deal with Alastor and Wifey comes to the rescue because she knows exactly what's gonna happen and won't let her friends/loved ones be taken by an evil beast so Wifey trades places with them. Ending up right in Alastor's clutches, Alastor doesn't really care either way, a soul is a soul but at least Wifey is interesting.

Husk is Cogsworth and Niffty is gonna have to be Chip because ain't no way she's Lumiere(Mimzy tho-) but you of course can decide otherwise. ANYWAYS- Alastor decides to keep Wifey instead of Charlie(or whoever else), amused by Wifey's loyalty even if he thinks she's a bit pathetic for it. Cue montage of Wifey and Alastor slowly falling in love over the months Wifey is stuck there, Alastor's cold heart melting for her.

Wifey reminds him what it's like to feel human again, igniting memories of his childhood and good times spent with his mother and people he used to care about because he began scrambling for power. Wifey, despite her best attempts not to, begrudgingly finds herself charmed by Alastor and catches glimpses of the man behind the demon.

MEANWHILE-

Charlie, Vaggie and the others are trying their best to free Wifey from Alastor's grasp. Vox(Or maybe Vox and all the other Vee's) gets to play Gaston because OF COURSE, catches wind of what happened to Wifey and now has the perfect excuse to attack Alastor. It doesn't hurt that Wifey is so pretty and that he's had his eyes on her for awhile(even though he kinda forgot about her-).

Vox gathers up a group of people(Other overlords maybe???) to attack Alastor and of course free Wifey.

🎶 There's a beast running wild there's no questionnnnn! But I fear the wrong monster's releaseddddddddd 🎶

Alastor let's Wifey go because he loves her but believes(knows) he's not good for her, chasing her away to protect her but also because he's panicking that he loves her. HE CAN'T LOVE HER WTF THAT'S NOT HOW THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO GO. Wifey goes back home only to find out that Vox is gonna attack her man and obviously that's not gonna fly-

Big epic battle with Vox and the Vee's dying because Vox used Wifey as last minute bait to make Alastor show himself and it worked-Alastor is gravely injured BUT you know how Beauty and the Beast goes, he doesn't die because Wifey broke the curse on him.

Maybe he turns into his human form once the curse is broken, maybe not 😈

Robby is drumming his fingers on the coffee table, his knee bouncing, and as Jack watches his eyes dart guiltily towards his kitchen, where Jack knows he still has a battered old pack of Marlboros hidden in his junk drawer, so Jack says, "Don't even think about it, Robinavitch."

"I wasn't," Robby begins, then seems to remember who he's talking to and just heaves out a heavy sigh instead and says, "Man, why is this so hard?"

"Humans Travel Further in Space Than They Have Ever Gone Before"

and then

"U.S. President Goes Even More Batshit Insane and Proves it on Easter Sunday"