#this bites

“Mmmm…” Astarion hummed softly as he pressed his lips against Winnie’s. The young woman smiled into the kiss. This is maybe like the third time he's been peppering her lips with smooches today. She giggled, gazing up at him with eyes full of adoration. 

“You finished trying to eat my face?” Winnie teased with a smile.

“Never! This is one feast I intend to savor for as long as possible.” The vampiric elf giggled before going in for another kiss. Winnie returned it before wincing and rubbing her throat. 

“Darling, are you alright?” Astarion asked with concern. 

“Ah…Yeah….It just hurts still…” Winnie croaked out. Astarion leaned in to place a peck on her forehead.  

“I'll go and see about finding you something to eat, my love. You just relax.” Astarion caressed her forehead before getting up and leaving the room. Brian was going to be working late today so they had plenty of time without having to worry about his bullshit. Astarion walked into the kitchen where Vanessa was pouring some dog kibble into Ollie's bowl. 

“I believe you said you were going to help me learn how to cook.” The vampire huffed out.

“Oh yes! Just give me a moment.” Vanessa exclaimed, putting away the dog food and running to wash her hands. Astarion crossed his arms.

“You too! Wash!” The twelve year old ordered. Astarion rolled his eyes before washing his clawed hands. Nessa took out a small purple apron with a little dragon on it before putting it on and grabbing a silk, frilly pink apron. “Here put this on!”  She said as she put it in his hands. The vampire put on the apron sighing a bit in impatience.  

“We can start with something easy like a cup of noodles! Maybe with a little bit of green onions?” Nessa took a styrofoam cup from the cabinet before handing it to Astarion. “Just make sure to fill up this cup with water and then…” Nessa walked over and towards the microwave, “put it in here and set the timer for three minutes.” She explained before walking over to the fridge and started getting out green onions. Nessa carefully began to cut up the green stalks on a cutting board while the microwave beeped from the pressing of random buttons.

Back in Winnie’s room, she laid there in boredom as her phone suddenly buzzed. Her brown eyes looked over the touch screen as she tapped on the message. It was from Becca.

Becca: How's your throat?

Winnie: PAIN. I can barely move without feeling it.

Becca: Fuck. That sucks :(

Becca: Still trying 2 process this whole vampire from a video game is suddenly real shit  But I'm here for u

Winnie: Thanks. I really need to find that modder now tho.

Becca: U said he was in Varamont? That's quite a drive. Hey my dad's gonna give me his old van once he gets a new car I can take u and Star there in it

Winnie: You sure about this Becca? We might run into danger again. Especially now since there's monsters showing up.

Becca: That's why u need me! My dad taught me how 2 shoot a gun when I was 7 I'll have ur back if stuff gets hairy

Winnie: Okay I'll think about it. I'm just so nervous about everything these days. Especially since I have to look after a literal vampire.

Becca: Oh btw I think I might have a way 2 help u with that I know a guy who can get u blood without hurting anyone

Winnie: That sounds…..Shady…

Becca: Don't worry he's a good guy

Becca: A little weird but good :) 

Winnie let out a sigh as she looked at Becca’s texts. She really needed to try to relax more. The smell of something burning suddenly hit her senses. 

“Is something on fire!?” She shouted, head turning towards her door which was cracked.

“No! It's okay! Astarion just forgot to add water to the noodles!” Vanessa called from down the hall.

“You said nothing about water!” Astarion complained, his whiny voice echoing through the house. Winnie rolled her eyes before returning her attention to her phone in an attempt to relax. 

She pulled up Tumblr and began to scroll through her timeline.  There were a couple new BG3 fanfictions posted by Vixstarria, TragedyBunny, and MJ-Bites. Winnie bit down on her lip nervously as she began to realize just how strange this probably would seem to Astarion. 

The fact that there is an entire community of people obsessing over him might freak him out a little. Especially with some of their more erotic works. Not that she had anything against the fanfiction creators, they unfortunately had no idea that Astarion was actually real. And many of them were exceptionally talented, but knowing about this could be a bit much to take. Winnie continued to scroll through her timeline, liking some cute art here and there before stumbling upon an interesting post by just-a-refridgerator.

 It appeared to be a comparison of all of the Baldur's Gate 3 men's butt sizes, which confirmed that they all indeed have the same size ass.

Why is this a debate!? They literally all have the same body type!

Winnie sighed, looking through the comments when suddenly the door opened up, revealing Astarion holding a steaming cup of noodles.

“Darling! I'm back.I made you something.~” He purred as Winnie squeaked and quickly turned her phone over.  The silver haired vampire raised an eyebrow as he looked her over in confusion.

“You seem rather startled. What ever has you so worked up, dear?” 

“Oh nothing, just surprised is all…heheh…” Winnie rubbed the back of her neck nervously as she kept her hand clamped over her phone. “So uh..You got me noodles? Thank you!” Winnie said before quickly taking the cup from his hands and shoving some in her mouth as she hid her phone under her leg. Astarion looked at her with a slightly suspicious glance before sitting behind her and nuzzling his face into her shoulder. 

“How is it, my love?” Astarion spoke softly, his breath tickling her ear. Winnie shivered before feeling his arms wrap around her waist. The noodles were salty, savory and overall not bad.

“It's good.” Winnie praised before glancing back at him with a smile.

“I'm so glad you think so.” Astarion purred, his lips inches away from Winnie’s ears. 

“Astarion,what are you-” with a slight of hand Astarion snatched Winnie’s phone out from under her leg.

“Well, what do we have here?~” The pale elf had a wide shit eating grin spreading across his face.

“Astarion!” Winnie set the cup of noodles down on her nightstand before attempting to wrestle her phone back from him. “You asshole! Give me back my phone!” 

“Easy darling, your neck is still bruised. We wouldn't want you to hurt yourself now would we? Astarion cooed out, his voice dripping with condescension. He gently pushed her down on her back and straddled her, pinning her under his body. “Hmm ... .Now what ever could you be hiding from me?” The elven vampire glanced at the screen as the young woman squirmed under him.

“This is an invasion of my privacy ya know!” Winnie hissed, her face turning redder by the second. 

“Ah…This is….Gale…Wyll and…. myself? And someone is comparing our posteriors…..” Astarion looked back at Winnie with a puzzled look. The young woman bit down on her lip, immediately expecting some kind of declaration of disgust. “What do you mean we all have the same arse!? This can't possibly be true! My physique is far more impressive than those two imbeciles combined!”Astarion turned and got off of Winnie.

The brunette was a bit bewildered by his reaction.

“Well…from the game it looks that way…”

“Oh so you've been looking at our companions' unclothed bodies then?” 

“It’s not like that! And I didn't even know you were real, sentient people!” Winnie crossed her arms, sitting up. 

“Regardless, you now have a far better way of seeing for yourself.” Before the human female could even say another word the vampire turned around and shoved his backside near her face. 

“S-Stop it.” Winnie sputtered out, her face burning brightly.

“Winnie please! I need you to tell me your thoughts.” 

“You're literally asking me to give you feedback on your butt?” 

“Of course. Your opinion is the only one that truly matters.” Astarion exclaimed, running a hand over the curve of his ass. 

“Oh for God's sake Astarion.” Winnie pinched the bride of her nose before responding with a bashful cough, “i-it's nice….…”

“Nice!? Is that all you have to say!?” Astarion huffed, his face turning into an upset pout. 

“It's very…luscious ... .and…round…I'm really not good at this Star….” Winnie said, covering her face in embarrassment. “Now get your ass out of my face!” 

“I'm not moving until I receive an adequate compliment.” 

“Oh my fucking God…”

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About a week passed before Winnie’s neck had fully healed. Becca was coming by today to take Winnie to meet with her friend she promised could help her out with Astarion’s particular dietary needs. Winnie still wasn't completely comfortable with the idea of trusting some random dude to get them blood donations, but she really didn't want a repeat of the incident at the carnival. Not to mention Astarion’s leftovers were being noticed by her neighbors. 

Winnie pulled on some black tights before pulling a purple shirt over her head as she waited for Becca to arrive. She grabbed a black and red hoodie and put it on after her shirt.

“Sweetheart? What do you think looks better, the button up or the tank?” Astarion asked as he stepped out of the bathroom wearing black jeans as he held a white button up shirt in one hand and a black tank top in the other. 

“You're going to be in bat form since the sun is still out, I doubt it'll matter.” Winnie hummed before sitting on her bed and pulling on her shoes as Maddie crawled out from under the bed and stretched.

“I need to look fashionable in any form.” The vampire boasted before glancing down at the small black feline who appeared to be staring at him, intently. “What do you think, dear?” 

Maddie’s large blue eyes scanned the two objects he held before turning her head towards the button up and letting out a long high meow. 

“Ah you're absolutely right darling!” Astarion said before quickly dressing himself in the white button up. Winnie shook her head with a smile. 

“Alright beautiful, just behave yourself today. We're going to be meeting someone who might be able to help me get you fed regularly.” Winnie hummed before checking her phone again for any updates from Becca.

“Oh I will. But I expect to be rewarded for my behavior.” Astarion purred before sitting down on Winnie’s lap and leaning closely.

“And just what kind of reward were you thinking of?” Winnie raised an eyebrow.

“Your lips.” Astarion nipped her bottom lip playfully before kissing her hungrily, wrapping his arms around her neck and moaning against her mouth. Winnie returned his kiss as she used one hand to play with his ivory curls, the two of them caught up in the moment. Suddenly there was knocking on the front door followed by Ollie barking. Astarion got up before pulling Winnie to her feet and planting a kiss on her hand. 

Winnie giggled before she walked out to open the front door to see her fiery haired friend. 

“Hey Becca-” The brunette began as Becca quickly closed the door behind her. 

“Where is the vampire?” She asked. 

“I do have a name you know.” Astarion scoffed as he stepped out from behind Winnie.

“Oh-shit! Sorry I didn't mean anything by it!” Becca put her hands up. “I'm just really excited! I've never met a vampire before! Let alone one from a video game. Oh hey where are the others from the game?” Becca asked.

“I….I don't really know honestly…They disappeared before Winnie brought me here.” 

“The game ended up being a bit unstable after I pulled Astarion out. I'm not sure if we could go and look for them now. But with Raphael showing up I suppose anything might be possible. So uh…This friend of yours?” Winnie changed the subject.

“Oh right. Jimmy. He's a bit eccentric but his brother and mother work at the hospital in town, so he's able to get his hands on a blood bag or two on occasion. We should probably not keep him waiting.”

“Well, let's not waste any more time then?” Astarion chimed in before suddenly he was engulfed in red and shrank down into his bat form. Winnie him up and allowed him to climb into her hoodie.

“Oh my god! He's so cute!” Becca cooed, her eyes round and full of adoration as she looked at the small bat who frowned slightly.

 Astarion let out a squeak of protest as he nuzzled up against Winnie's neck.  The brunette pulled the hood over her head before the two females walked out of the hour and got into Becca's car. 

Winnie sat in the passenger seat and looked out the window as Astarion snuggled against her. She carefully reached into her hoodie to gently pet Astarion’s head with her finger, receiving a few curious little squeaks in reply.

It took them about an hour to arrive at Becca's friend’s house. He apparently lived on the other side of town. Winnie’s brown eyes perked up as she noticed fake headstones sitting in his yard, along with a bush trimmed into the shape of a skull. 

“Here we are!” Becca announced as they exited the truck. Winnie scanned the yard.

“Hmm…Nice place. Love the Halloween vibes.” She exclaimed as the two of them walked up the sidewalk and towards the front door. Becca knocked on the door before suddenly a brown eyeball peeked through the peephole. The door opened revealing a short man with messy blonde hair, glasses, pasty white skin and painted dark circles under his eyes. He was wearing a band T-shirt and a cape? 

“Becca, who's the fresh meat?” He asked, revealing what appeared to be fake fangs in his mouth. 

“Jimmy….This is Winnie.” Becca replied.

“Oh…..Hey….” Winnie said awkwardly rubbing the back of her neck. 

Ah……This explains a lot….

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I'M NOT DEAD GUYS! :3 Just been having a lot of issues with writers block and life and all that great stuff! Anyway hope you're all still enjoying the story!

Thanks to @vixstarria , @tragedybunny , @mj-bites and @just-a-refrigerator for letting me give ya a little cameo in the fic!

~Druid