#thinking about kinking

There will be more events, and they will be wonderful in different ways

Yes, it’s a bummer to return to real life, but remember: there will be other events.. Was this one wonderful in a very specific way that it will be impossible to replicate? Probably—but that will be true of all the future events too, and each event is generally wonderful in a surprising new way.

Plan a gentle re-entry, if you can

If possible, take a day or two after con as a buffer before returning to real life and day job. Sleep extra, take a long walk, get yourself a treat, journal about your experiences… Whatever the specifics, it can be useful to have a demarcation between your special fun con time and the bustle of daily life. (For instance, I’m posting this a little later than intended because before I could write this up, I had to sleep for 12 hours and treat myself to a bagel.)

Even if you can’t plan a whole day of buffer, think about how you can make your life easier the first few days post-con—maybe block off your work calendar so you don’t have a bunch of meetings your first day back, or plan a light social week so you don’t have a ton of obligations.

And of course, if you have an abrupt re-entry or a sharp change of plans, expect the drop to be a little worse! That might sound scary, but I personally like having an explanation for what seems like untraceable cruddy feelings. If that’s your situation, give yourself extra grace, and lean into the ways you can soften things for yourself.

Let go of your regrets, remember the good bits

No con is perfect, and there are always lows mixed in with the highs; the person you didn’t connect with, the scene that went sideways, the social interaction that was weirdly unsatisfying, etc. When your brain is already in a bad place from drop, you might find yourself dwelling on the things that were unideal or that you wish had gone differently.

This can manifest as sadness, regret, guilt, feeling like people don’t like you, or a whole host of other negative emotions. While those are all valid emotions, remember that they’re being magnified by your drop brain, and probably feel bigger and more present than they deserve to be. Give yourself some grace, and remember that the bad parts of con are inevitable—in fact, they’re necessary to have all the good parts. When drop takes you to that pessimistic place, make sure you’re reflecting on the positive bits of con as well: journal about them, talk to friends and reminisce about all the fun stuff you did, and just generally make sure you’re saving space in your brain for the positive reflections!

Your daily life is probably pretty good, actually

When I come back from a really good con, my daily life feels pale by comparison. I think, “ugh, how does any of this compare to Weird Kinky Nirvana, and do I actually care about any of this??” But I do my best to remember that Past SOL actually felt pretty good about things here at home, and that until I can think clearly again, I just have to trust that she knew what she was talking about.

Take all the time you need to mope, to rest, to be sad, but remember that your everyday is probably pretty good; if it seems dull right now, it’s just because you had a brief and wonderful burst of REAL FREAKIN’ GOOD.

And honestly, part of what makes con so special is that they’re removed from our daily lives. If you just lived at con, it would lose its luster and specialness; the gulf between con and your daily life probably seems vast, but that’s part of what makes the experience so magical. Also, the reason real life might seem extra blah for a second is that…

You might have blown out your dopamine receptors, whoops (i.e. Slow Things Down)

When I’m deep in con drop, I can feel restless and want to be occupied every second, but simultaneously not excited about any of my usual leisure activities. In my completely unscientific opinion, that damn much stimulation and emotional high can temporarily fry your brain. For me, it makes sitting still feel uncomfortable but simultaneously makes normally-stimulating activities feel not-stimulating-enough.

Annoyingly, the solution (at least for me) is usually to s l o w   d o w n. I like to turn off my phone for a few hours and go to the park with a book or a journal, maybe treat myself to a solo meal out (crucially, without any of my devices on me). To wind down, where I might normally play a flashy video game, I might instead opt for a crossword puzzle, or doing a craft while watching a cozy cooking show. (I plan to watch a LOT of Chopped this week, and am going to put off playing Hades 2 for a little while longer so I don’t re-fry my brain with dopamine.)

If you feel like you’re vibrating all the time and don’t want to be alone with your thoughts… well, sometimes the solution is to be alone with your thoughts anyway. Sit around. Loaf on the couch and stare at the ceiling. Let your thoughts and feelings happen. It might feel unpleasant at first, but this sort of slowing down can help your body and brain reset.

Take care of your body, even when it’s annoying

You were probably kind of a jerk to your body at con, so be extra nice to it now. Sleep enough, hydrate, stretch or exercise, go outside and see the sun, eat enough food (and probably a vegetable or two).

Also, give yourself a little treat, you deserve it! Spring for a massage or take a luxurious bath or take a trip to your favorite bakery. You’re tender and recovering, so be soft with yourself.

Con drop scrambles your whole brain

Don’t be surprised if you’re randomly sad or weepy, are unfocused at work, or are reacting strongly or emotionally to things that seem to have nothing to do with con. This sort of drop scrambles your whole brain a little bit; this is normal and expected, and it will pass. Give yourself grace and space, and try to take it easy this week. Also, crucially, try not to make big decisions right after con (e.g. break-ups, quitting your job, registering for your next event)—come back to this stuff in a week or two once your system has settled.

I know that when I’m in con drop, my anxiety often spikes over totally unrelated (and often existential) things, and all of my problems suddenly seem really urgent and scary. I do my best to remind myself that the urgency and the fear are at least in part the result of my brain-scramble; I try to be kind to myself and honor those feelings, but mostly to put them on a shelf and say “hey, we can look at these again in a week.” If everything still feels catastrophic when I return to those feelings later, then they probably warrant action, but 9 times out of 10, when my brain has returned to baseline post-con, those anxieties and fears subside back down to something way more manageable.

Reach out to your community

This is hard to balance with some of the couch-flop/hiding-in-a-hole that is necessary after a whole weekend of non-stop social, but: remember to reach out to your community. Talk to your old and new friends from con about the good bits and the bad bits, check in on how they’re doing, ask them for a pep talk or commiserate about your drop together. And sure, flirt outrageously with your new con crush! (Just uh, don’t make any big plans or life changes until you’re well and truly out of the post-con brain fog.)

You can also talk to other kink friends who weren’t at that specific con, or even friends who aren’t affiliated with the kink world at all! (Y’know, if you have those.) Reconnecting with people at home who weren’t at con can be grounding and remind you of what you like about your everyday life.

Figure out what works for you, and remind yourself

Everyone’s solutions to con drop will be different, and over time, you’ll develop your own individual playbook of the things that work best for you. However, some non-trivial portion of us will have a hard time recalling that very logical Con Drop Playbook when in the thick of the drop (why else do you think I’m writing this post?). Consider jotting down some things that help you through drop, and keeping them as a reminder for the next time you’re directly post-event, losing your damn mind and unable to conceive of a single thing to do about it. Honestly, even a scheduled reminder for a few days after con ends that says “hey, wondering why everything sucks? It’s Con Drop, drink some water” can be a godsend!

It might last longer than you think

Every drop is different, and everyone’s brains work through it differently. You might feel totally fine after a good night’s sleep post-event, or you might feel like trash for a whole week while your system re-calibrates. Be gentle to yourself the whole darn time.

Crucially, as you get further from the event, it’s easy to forget that you might still be in drop; try to keep in mind that even half a week later, if you’re feeling sad for “no reason”, there might actually be an extremely logical reason! I find that knowing where my miscellaneous cruddy feelings are coming from helps a lot to remind me that I’m not just losing my mind and that it will get better. And speaking of how it will get better:

This too shall pass

This is the biggest thing I try to remember when I’m deep in the drop: this too shall pass. I know it intellectually—how many times have I been through this exact emotional rollercoaster??—but in the moment, in the quagmire of my own feelings and with my critical thinking faculties shot, it’s hard to trust. Often, when I’m deep in bad feelings, I can’t conceive of feeling any differently than I currently do.

But I know that I’ll get through it, and hey, I promise that you will too. Bodies rest and heal, and emotions level out and return to baseline; it’s what they do, when you let them. You can help the process along with the tips above, by taking care of your body and being gentle with your emotions and reaching out to your community for support; but even without your help, it’ll happen. Look back on your past experiences, or ask a friend to remind you when you don’t believe yourself, or just believe me: this feeling will pass, and you’ll be back to your emotional baseline in time!

--

And after that, we proceed to meet up a few times as practice partners—I still live with my parents so I come over to his dorm and he exiles his roommate (Jesus Christ i thought I’d be done with this shit when I graduated).

So the problem with this situation is that I never got a proper pretalk or explanation of what trance did/n't feel like, what hypno could/n't do or make you do, how safety and agency work... So I was both SO WORRIED about doing things against my will or losing control, AND SO WORRIED about it not working on me, that i was unhypnotizable and couldn't do the thing. I can’t realllly blame him, he was as new as I was, but it was… not a great situation.

The thing I CAN blame him for was when I was said “I don’t want any triggers” and he was like “aww come on a reinduction trigger would make it so much easier” and kept wheedling me about it. Not a good look.

(OFC part of the reason he really wanted a reinduction trigger was because he (like me, at the time) only knew how to do 10-minute progressive relaxation inductions, lolsob.)

And I think both times we got together I was like “Dude I’m a lesbian, I'm here for kink practice and I don’t want to kiss or get physical with you” and then at the end he’d be like “Waah I want to kiss you!!”

Against my better judgement I went along with it cuz like, we’d just been doing hours of kinky shit and I was turned on, but like. Surprise surprise, I'm a lesbian. (Also he... wasn’t all that good a kisser. Shocker, that.)

The kicker is, after the second time this happens, he texts me to say “So i just found out i have mono” like SIR I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO BE KISSING YOU AND NOW YOU HAVE MAYBE GIVEN ME MONO???

He did NOT give me mono, turned out I already had antibodies, and I didn’t ever play with him or see him again, so it’s mostly a happy ending but like… bruh.

But on a more serious note, I... still carry some of that baggage with me. (Though obvi this is nothing compared to many people's genuinely traumatic or abusive first hypno/kink experiences and i don't wanna take away from that!)

Never having gotten a real pretalk, going into my first trance experiences so scared (in both directions), feeling like a """bad subject""" (b/c he wasn't great at dropping me AND b/c I didn't feel comfy with him)... has really stuck with me, unfortch.

I am still unlearning that stuff, and so thankful to all the FAR, FAR SUPERIOR hypnotists who have helped me in this journey. It's also why I'm waging a holy war against people who use the term "bad subject" or don't give proper pretalks.

No one should feel uncomfortable when exploring this kink! (Or like, as non-uncomfortable as possible.) I hope it's a joyous thing for as many folks as possible! And that's why I have SO many thoughts about pretalk and framing for new subjects (see e.g. my class notes on Setting Your Subjects Up for Success).

So ummmm uhh thanks for coming to my TED talk, treat your partners right and don't try to kiss people who've explicitly told you not to kiss them, there are more kinds of inductions than just progressive relaxation, stay hydrated! <3