Lord knows I am blessed beyond measure. But flowers need rain to grow, and Iām a flower that must grow in very wet areas. Something that weighs on me heavy and often. Is the fact I donāt know how to be comfortable in my own home. Iām constantly walking on egg shells trying to lay low. I sleep to avoid being around my family, or to avoid conversations that will more than likely turn into arguments, or even arguments themselves. I seem to sleep often. I donāt like napping, it makes me feel groggy and lose motivation to work on projects, but I donāt know what else to do. I hate coming home, especially when I have to leave him, it makes it so much harder. So what do I do, I come home and sleep.
Iāve learned thereās no reason to express how you feel, youāll get deemed depressed (which is a cop out in her eyes) or you get deemed an attitude. In this house itās almost unacceptable to be a human and have feelings. If youāre grumpy itās unacceptable and no one is allowed to have an attitude but her and she will pick a fight to prove it. So I donāt express myself I let things sit inside and eat me apart. Cause if the person who is suppose to love you the most doesnāt want to listen to you, what makes you think any other person in the world would.
Itās hard and it sucks. I want nothing more to move out and move past this part of my life. One of the hardest things to accept is I canāt change the way things are, I have tried, I must accept them and learn. Most little girls look up to their mother and want to be just like them. I donāt get that opportunity. I have to learn from mine what I donāt want to be like. I enjoy being a caring, compassionate person, I want to put others first and do anything I can to boost them up and help build whatever their dreams are. Iāve never felt any of these from my mother. So I have to learn on my own. It will be a challenge but Iām willing to work on this every day. I will have low days, I will have days her inherited attitude will show through, but I will also have good days; days where I help others and love harder than I have ever been loved.
