Do you see that blur coming in to quickly grab my hair and leave in a flash? That was my noodle...my Sagey baby. Many recent events in my life have led me down a path of reflection and contemplation about the direction I have been headed, but two have made the greatest impact: teaching a bad yoga class and losing my puppy last weekend. I know this sounds doom and gloom, but it all ends well. I promise.
I have been struggling with the idea of what it means to be "successful," or have "purpose," or even just how to find joy on a daily basis. Taking it a step further, how do these big ideas define me and what is my relationship with them? That wise teacher, life, swooped in and decided to teach these lessons in her own difficult way.
Sage, my puppy, had been struggling for a while with anxiety and letting it out in the form of aggression towards people. I was so confused. This was the puppy that grew up saying hello to everyone. We couldn't move two feet during our walks without him pulling me in the direction of another human. Frankly, it was adorable. Over the past months, Sage taught me so many lessons in patience, humility, and love. After his aggression became worse we had numerous specialist appointments, tough conversations, and late nights with tears and snuggles. We finally decided to rehome him to a loving family that had the space, money, and time, to help him. We were going to take him to his new home that Sunday.
That same weekend, I was teaching my first studio class at my favorite studio! This studio is the bees knees and I was geared up for it. I started planning my sequence weeks before, thought long and hard about my dharma talk, and practiced the cues and sequence with the music over and over. I knew it by heart and I was ready. In fact, I wasn't feeling nervous, only excited to get my hands on these wonderful people.
Then it happened...the dreaded "your playlist goes right to shuffle" moment as I was moving through my warm up and into the surya sequence. From that point, I was like Will Ferrell in Old School during his debate, I blacked out. Although I didn't sound nearly as intelligent or well thought out as him. I am sure it wasn't half bad, but it felt like a disaster. I was mixing up left and right, telling cheesy jokes, and sweating profusely! After I was able to process it and leave, I ran home in tears. Ugh...the world was not on my side that weekend. I moped and moped all weekend long. It was a lovely email from my favorite teacher, Jamie, and a sweet phone call with loving words of wisdom from my dear friend, Natalya. Of course, others had sent their support, which I am extremely grateful for, but these two had one phrase in common.
Now, I couldn't see the light at the end of the collapsing grief tunnel that was surrounding me then, but after a few days of reflecting on their words, I started to lift. Want to know what it was that made me start to smile?
"I am proud of you, Sara."
Those sweet words. Not that I needed validation from them, but they were proud. What an awesome concept. Proud that I was vulnerable, that I took a chance, and that I was myself- mistakes and all. It took me a few days to realize that yoga isn't how good I look in postures or how quickly I can master an inversion. It is everyday life. Taking chances, messing up, succeeding, and learning lessons. It's talking encouragingly and finding worth in my life, not waiting for others to validate me. Why can't I be proud of myself, others are. I might as well be. I didn't fail my students or fail Sage. My intentions were good and all I ever did was love them and want the best for them. Instantly, I started to feel better (keep in mind, this realization just came today).
When it comes down to it, life is difficult. It's not perfect. Expect life, not perfection and understand that it is okay if icky things happen. It's what we do to ourselves and say to ourselves that define our self worth. Truthfully, all that matters is how we love ourselves in good times and in bad times. That is why I posted that picture of my crazy dog eating my hair. This is what the real photo shoot looked like that day. It wasn't perfect. It was silly, fun, frustrating, and full of mistakes, just like my class and just like my time with Sage. It was messy and beautiful and I am forever grateful for those lessons.
What real life yoga have you done lately? Please share!
