#the knowing

Looks like I haven't updated the list of boys who experienced The Knowing since The Warp Effect.

Last I remember, @/respectthepetty called out Zo in Hidden Agenda as one who experienced The Knowing, and I do have to agree. He was outed and made to suffer for it.

My boy Dynamite clearly experienced it, and Fire did, too. Still a fan of Cooking Crush.

I think Nomoto Yuki experiences a really compelling version of The Knowing complicated by the expectations of being a woman. Everyone should watch She Loves to Cook, and She Loves to Eat.

Xiao Yuan is a compelling example because of the complicated family dynamics. Despite specific qualms, I did really enjoy Unknown.

Tanaka Kazuhito from Living With Him (aka Kare no Iru Seikatsu) is probably my favorite Japanese BL example of the year, because he's conscious about it and resolved about how he will manage it.

My actual favorites of the year come from Don't Care For An Old Man's Underwear! (aka Ossan no Pants ga Nandatte Ii Janai ka!)It's almost unfair to the BL shows on this list, because this show is a different kind of drama. However, I will love Daichi for the rest of my life. I hope he and Madoka work through their issues and learn to communicate better.

My favorite Thai example of the year comes from Knock Knock, Boys! Peak's entire character arc is based on The Knowing.

The best Korean example this year comes from reigning champion Hwang Da Seul's Let Free The Curse of Taekwondo. Both of these boys are a mess because of it.

Mainland China is back in action and delivering with Blue Canvas of Youthful Days. Qi Lu definitely knows, and this one is not doing bromance.

But honestly, if you really need The Knowing, you should watch Love in the Big City. It's the most intensely personal and semi-autobiographical project of the year.

She didn't leave like storms do no thunder cracking the sky in half no rain to warn me what was coming She left like seasons change subtle at first a slow cooling I mistook for comfort a quiet shift I told myself was normal

We used to sit on the porch like the world had no claim on us passing cigarettes back and forth watching nothing in particular just existing in that fragile, perfect way two people do when they think time is generous

She had this way of looking at me like I was something worth saving like I wasn't already halfway gone And I think that's where it started that slow unraveling because I didn't believe her

I wore my damage like armor like it was the only honest thing about me Every scar, every bad habit, every exit plan I kept them close closer than I kept her And she tried god, she tried to love me through it

But love isn't a locksmith It can't always pick what's been rusted shut

There were nights she'd fall asleep next to me and I'd lie there staring at the ceiling feeling like a fraud in my own life like if I moved too suddenly everything would collapse like she'd see me clearly and realize she made a mistake

So I built distance in inches in silence in jokes that dodged honesty in arguments I didn't need to win but refused to lose I turned tenderness into something sharp something defensive something she had to work around instead of rest in

And she got tired

Not all at once not in a way I could point to and say "there, that's where it broke" It was in the way her laughter started sounding practiced in how her hand would slip out of mine just a second too soon in the way "I love you" became something softer, quieter like she was already saying it from far away

I think she knew before I did I think she stood at the edge of us for a long time waiting to see if I'd notice how close we were to ending

But I didn't Or maybe I did and just didn't know how to stop it

The night she left felt almost ordinary which is the cruelest part No music swelling, no cinematic goodbye just her standing there with eyes that had already mourned me saying words the sounded rehearsed because she'd been living with them long before she spoke them out loud

"I can't do this anymore"

And I wanted to argue to promise change to become someone better in the span of a heartbeat but the truth sat heavy in my chest

I had all the time in the world to be that person before

So I let her go the same way I lost her quietly without enough resistance

Now she lives in fragments

In the empty seat beside me when I drive too late at night In the songs I skip because they remember too much In the smell of smoke on a summer breeze that takes me back to that porch where everything still felt possible

I see her in strangers sometimes in the curve of a smile in the way someone tucks their hair back in the sound of laughter that almost…almost…feels like home

But it never is

Because she wasn't just someone I loved she was a version of my life that I failed to hold onto

People say "the one that got away" like it's fate like it was written that way like some things are just meant to be lost

But I don't believe that

I think she didn't get away

I think I let her slip through hands that didn't know how to hold something gently

And that's the part that stays not the heartbreak not even the loneliness

but the knowing

The quiet, persistent knowing that somewhere out there she's laughing the way she used to but it's not because of me

And maybe that's good Maybe she found something steadier someone softer someone who doesn't treat love like something temporary

But some nights the kind that stretch too long the kind where memory feels louder than anything real

- A normally introverted/normal guy going through some shitTM