#the knack

30. “Bicycle Race” – Queen

Look, I love Queen and Freddie Mercury as much as everyone else, but I despise insincerity. Finding out that Freddie didn’t much care for bikes but absolutely loved Star Wars (something that should have been obvious from the moment he sang Flash Gordon’s theme song) it really ruined a song I already thought was exceptionally lame for their discography. The fact this was a B-side for the masterpiece that is “Fat Bottomed Girls,” an ode to big butts so perfect and genuine only a bisexual man could pull it off, just makes it all the worse. At any rate, if you’re a fan you can take solace in knowing it’s probably the least awful song on this list.

29. “High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco

There is something insufferably catchy about this, which is probably why I didn’t rank it higher; I am almost begrudgingly entertained by it. But I think the song is by and large just too much; the horns are too blaring, the vocals are too crisp, it’s just way too upbeat, and it’s too polished. It lacks a real punch and feels uncannily fake. I’m not sure how to really describe it. Maybe I should just say it’s annoying and move on.

28. “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” – Poison

I have said for years that power ballads are literally the worst kind of hair metal song, because 9 times out of 10 they lack any sort of sincerity whatsoever. They are sensitive songs about how much the singer loves and respects women, how much they yearn for love, and are typically preceded by and are then followed by multiple songs about snorting coke off of a hooker’s ass cheeks. There are some good ones such as “Mama I’m Coming Home” and “Home Sweet Home,” and there are good parodies as well (“I’m Just Ken” and “Lost in the Woods” in particular since the emotions of the characters singing them are genuine even if it’s for a gag), but whenever you have a bunch of misogynistic meatheads trying to convince you that they have a sensitive sign it rings incredibly hollow. I despise insincerity so much, and it doesn’t get much more insincere than this one. Poison to me are the 80s version of Nickelback, an overproduced and overplayed band that isn’t really awful but are truly unremarkable compared to their more honestly filthy peers. It’s such a dopey and emotionally manipulative song, and it shines bright as the biggest example of the shortcomings of the power ballad.

27. “My Sharona” – The Knack

Maybe my most controversial pick yet, here’s this dad rock classic! At age 25, lead vocalist Doug Fieger met the 17-year-old Sharona Alperin and for the next four years they were a couple, with her inspiring numerous songs—including this one. So when he’s singing about how het gets it up for the touch of the younger kind, just know that h-h-his Sharona is exactly who he’s singing about. Barf. And yet, somehow, this still isn’t the most egregious statutory rape song on the list! And here I thought this would just be shitty novelty songs and sappy ballads...

26. “You’re the Inspiration” – Chicago

Soft rock produces either some of the coziest jams you’ve ever heard or the most insipid, foul earworms imaginable. This is firmly in the latter camp, just one of the most obnoxiously sappy ballads you’ll ever have the misfortune of suffering through. It sounds like it should play during a slow-mo scene in a D-tier 80s romance movie.

25. “Girl You Know It’s True” – Milli Vanilli

Over the years, I was always incredibly sympathetic to the story of this band. I don’t think the lip-synching thing should have been treated as if it’s a crime so serious they need to return their Grammy when future artists like Chris Brown and Kanye West did far worse things and weren’t required to return their awards. But the thing is, so seriously was their crime that they were effectively unpersoned from the radio and so I never heard the songs that made them famous. So when I listened to them for the first time when making my Weird Al retrospective, I was shocked—shocked they could ever win a Grammy for such a fucking awful song in the first place! Al definitely improved on this garbage in every regard, because it is genuinely the worst aspects of late 80s dance tracks all jammed into one dreadful song, from the insipid lyrics to the pseudo-rapping. I feel for Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus, particularly the latter since the scandal drove him to his death, but I genuinely don’t understand awarding something this worthless. This is the musical equivalent of Crash winning Best Picture.

24. “Carnival” – Kanye West

This actually almost made it on the last list, but it was a pretty easy cut for one simple reason: This song is boring. It’s just a bunch of bad blowjob and sex references, wow, how groundbreaking! Even at his shittiest Kanye is at least interesting to talk about; look at the horrendously egregious “Heil Hitler,” which I got an entire review out of. This shit is just juvenile, stupid, and perhaps worst of all lazy. If Kanye is gonna be provocative and get the people going, he needs to stop putting out pieces of shit like this for breakfast.

23. “The Lazy Song” – Bruno Mars

It’s amazing how Bruno went from making shit like this to helping usher in a glorious comeback for disco and funk by making some of the best genre throwbacks imaginable. His early work is plagued with awful, sappy, sentimental nonsense and outright goofy schlock like the so bad it’s good “Gorilla,” but this song here is the nadir of those days, an obnoxious tune that truly lives up to its title by being utterly lazy. It almost redeems itself with its music video starring Leonard Nimoy, but without Spock onscreen it’s not worth a listen.

22. “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” – The Beatles

I love Paul McCartney. His album McCartney II is one of my favorites and the song “Temporary Secretary” off it is a masterpiece in my eyes, highlighting how bold, creative, and crazy he is. Unfortunately being a wacko who does nutty things doesn’t always pay off, and this abysmal track is one such time. It’s so obnoxiously insipid and worst of all it is remarkably uncool, not something a band that’s more popular than Jesus wants to come across as. This doesn’t rank higher because I think it’s good this is on The White Album; the most perfect album by the band, one in which they dive into just about every imaginable genre they could, would be incomplete without trying to make something awful.

21. “Scars to Your Beautiful” – Alessia Cara

A flimsy empowerment anthem. What is there even to say about this? It’s such an empty nothing of a song, with trite lyrics and the sappiest message imaginable. It’s not even fun to talk about.

20. “Achy Breaky Heart” – Billy Ray Cyrus

You’d almost feel bad for Billy Ray Cyrus if he wasn’t himself. Imagine having a kid who’s incredibly talented and successful, having risen above her corny Disney show roots into a pop idol with some respectable hits under your belt, and you’re just a lame, washed-up chud whose main claim to fame is sporting a mullet and singing the dorkiest country dance jam of all time. I think the moment that really kills the whole song is the smarmy, sniveling delivery of “He never really liked me anyway.” It’s just so obnoxious.

19. “Roar” – Katy Perry

“Fight Song” may be the queen of awful inspirational pop tunes, but this is the princess or maybe some kind of duchess. It is such a hollow song devoid of the tasteless charms Perry had made her bread and butter, the flimsiest of female empowerment anthems; the roar is coming from a paper tiger here.

18. “ABCDEFU” – Gayle

I don’t know why, but the early 2020s were plagued by a bunch of musicians making edgy, vulgar versions of nursery rhymes. This one became a viral smash, and much like any virus the more exposure you got to it the sicker you became because this is an utterly awful and juvenile song.

17. “The Laughing Gnome” – David Bowie

I love David Bowie as an actor and singer, but one thing I’ve always thought while listening to his music is how much better it would be if a deranged David Seville-ass gnome started giggling across the track. Thankfully he already covered this early in his career and, uh… well, I’m sure glad his career survived this shit.

16. “All Summer Long” – Kid Rock

I think we need to applaud Kid Rock for getting a song on here for something other than being horribly offensive or idiotically cringeworthy! Yes, this song is on here because it’s fucking annoying and stupid! An unholy mashup of “Sweet Home Alabama” and “Werewolves of London” that tricks you into thinking you’ll hear a good song from the opening notes, Kid Rock showcases his unfathomable IQ by rhyming “things” with “things” in the chorus. At least he isn’t doing something nasty like singing the praises of statutory rape, though! That would be terrible!

15. “#Selfie” – The Chainsmokers

Rarely do you see a band kill their own career before it even starts. This is one of the most annoying, insufferable songs of all time; the vast majority of it is listening to the most annoying woman you’ve ever heard ramble on and on before the beat drops, and it forever tainted the name of the Chainsmokers. People call “Closer,” an actually decent song, awful just because of how bad this fucking song is. Sure, it’s satirical, but isn’t satire supposed to be funny or at the very least able to be enjoyed on some level? If I wanted to listen to an annoying, snotty bitch ramble in my ear I’d play one of Taylor Swift’s diss tracks—at least they’re bad in interesting ways.

14. “Respect and Obey Authority” – X-treme Power

With a name like that, you’re probably something a little more radical than a bunch of kids shittily singing over what sounds like a stock beat. And you’d be right to expect that, because this is radical—radical Christianity, that is! The lyrics are all a cultish call to bend the knee, unquestioningly obey your elders, bow down before the one you serve... Well, these kids are gonna get what they deserve: A spot on this list. But I have to stress here I don’t hold this bad music against young, impressionable, and likely brainwashed children; whatever adults in their life demanded they do this are the true villains here.

13. “Rude” – Magic!

This song is one of many in the long line of tunes designed solely to torture minimum wage workers, but it has a lot more going for it to bump it this high besides being insufferable easy listening schlock. The lyrical content is beyond obnoxious, with the narrator whining about how rude a father is for saying he’s not good enough to marry his daughter and then claiming he’ll marry her anyway, thus instantly proving the father had him pegged down. It’s such a lame, whiny dudebro reggae tune.

12. “Twinkle Twinkle” – Leah Kate

Of all the awful edgelord takes on nursery rhymes, this one is the most annoying and cringeworthy. It plays out like a kid just learning how to cuss, with some of the most obnoxiously egregious uses of profanity around and reading like your average mean girl fantasy. It’s a song about as deep as a puddle of piss, and as pleasant as one too.

11. “Cool, Daddy Cool” – Kid Rock and Joe C.

This song is legendary for two reasons. The first is that Kid Rock openly and proudly sings “Young ladies, young ladies/I like 'em underage, see/Some say that's statutory/But I say it's mandatory,” which is usually bad enough on its own. But the fact this song was somehow featured on the soundtrack of the family film Osmosis Jones is the second and more baffling element. Of course, even if you cut that line out there’s still lines like “Grubbin' on some pork rinds/Kickin' out them sex rhymes” so if you were expecting anything more from Kid Rock in his heyday you’re gonna be disappointed. I will say, him admitting “My story ain't that complex” is the most honest thing he has ever put to song, because he truly is the most pathetically one-note and simple chud musician ever. Decade after decade of making the same sweaty sex offender methhead music with no evolution...

10. “Muskrat Love” – Captain & Tennille

This is the song that made me decide to do another list, because I’d completely forgotten about it the first time around. This is one of the most vomit-inducing love songs I’ve ever heard—I shouldn’t have to think about muskrats fucking at any time—but the fact it’s a cover, and a cover that was already done far better (but not by much) by America just makes it suck all the more. This is the sort of song you listen to and you’ll either love it or hate it, and hate it I do. Not as much as most of the first list or as much as the next few songs, but hate it I do. Still, considering it’s basically a copy of a copy and far less offensive than some of the other rancid songs I discovered, I’m sparing it from my ire ever so slightly.

9. “I’m Good (Blue)” – Bebe Rexha

Nothing has ever been able to convince me that Bebe Rexha is a real person. Every single song by her is little more than a vapid first draft worth of lyrics and nowhere is that more readily apparent than this slab of molten ass. “I’m good, yeah, I’m feeling alright,” is perhaps the most pathetic attempt at starting a chorus I’ve ever seen; a toddler could come up with better lyrics. And then there’s the sampling of the deliciously cheesy “Blue” and doing nothing with it… a song this shitty should ensure Rexha’s career da-ba-dee-da-ba-dies.

8. “Dance Monkey” – Tones and I

I’d never heard this song by some merciful act of God before making this list, but I found so many people citing it as one of the worst songs ever. Surely it had to be hyperbole? Could it really be that bad? The answer, as you can see, is a resounding YES. This is the kind of music retail workers are forced to endure on a daily basis, but it’s even worse because it either sounds like someone doing a terrible Sia impression or a racist accent. It is insipid, annoying, grating, and generally just worthless. It’s like it was made in a lab to be the single most irritating song in existence, the musical equivalent of a mosquito in a spot you just can’t reach.

7. “Freaky Friday” – Lil Dicky

Lil Dicky is most definitely going to Hell. I do think “Earth” is worse by a large margin as an actual song, but this song is repulsive on a meta level for giving more exposure to the unrepentant psychopathic domestic abuser that is Chris Brown. Then again, Dicky ain’t too clean himself—researching for this song is how I found out he performed in Tel Aviv to raise money for the IDF back in 2017. So yeah, these two pieces of shit deserve each other.

6. “Marvin Gaye” – Charlie Puth feat. The Devil Herself, Meghan Trainor

Few songs just come out the get letting you know how awful they are, but good ol’ Charlie belts out “Let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on” right away, which lets you know exactly what you’re in for. Invoking the name of someone known for sexy and soulful music for your shitty pop song is one thing, but the fact Charlie felt the need to call upon the sexless succubus of pop herself, Meghan Trainor, to assist him in desecrating Gaye’s good name makes this all the more repulsive.

5. “Kim” – Eminem

Eminem is back in the top 10 yet again with what may be the worst edgy song he’s ever made! Songs like “Stan,” “’97 Bonnie & Clyde,” “My Name Is,” “Guilty Conscience,” and even the so bad it’s good “Houdini” are filled with the most tryhard, violent, offensive lyrics imaginable or otherwise incredibly dark subject matter, but Marshall manages to make them work with great flow, killer wordplay, and so on. So imagine a song that has none of that and is just him violently screaming for six straight minutes over the drum beat from “When the Levee Breaks” as he plays out a sick fantasy where he brutally murders his ex Kim after admitting to murdering her new man and his little son. Even by the edgelord standards of the time this really just goes way too far, and is truly an unpleasant experience.

4. “We Didn’t Start the Fire” – Fall Out Boy

I’m one of the few people on this Earth who genuinely loves “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” It’s corny and ridiculous and it has all the energy of a student doing research for a school project at the last minute, but it really is a lot of fun and shows that even when Billy Joel was half-assing it he’s incapable of making something that isn’t catchy. So of course as a kid I always wanted a sequel, one where he recapped all of the events that happened between part one dropping and the modern day. Unfortunately, Joel didn’t step up to deliver. Fall Out Boy did. I do tend to like their songs, I enjoy their bizarre turns of phrase and incomprehensible metaphors, but there is a line you need to draw in the sand and the clearest place to draw it is at rhyming “Metroid” and “George Floyd.” The fact everything is completely out of order (missing the whole point of the original) and omits several notable events (No O.J.? No COVID?) makes this one of the shittiest sequels since Pacific Rim: Uprising.

3. “We Will Dance Again” – Boy George

This is just a perfect storm of awful. Created using AI by a psychopath who kidnapped and beat an escort to act as Israeli propaganda and whitewash their genocide in Palestine, this is one of the most repulsive things an artist has ever shat out. Normally I wouldn’t even rank an AI song so high, because again, this isn’t art at all, but unlike the one on the previous list this is basically just Nazi propaganda to a shitty reggae beat. Being slop that hits the chart is one thing, being slop meant to help a mass murdering regime is another thing entirely. It’s easily up there with “You Dun Goofed” as an all-around repulsive work… but it isn’t art and was shat out by a computer. People love tossing around “Spiritually Israeli” to demean shitty things they don’t like, but this actually fits the bill. It’s soulless, it’s evil, it has incredible contempt for Palestinians, and Boy George claims ownership over it even though he didn’t create it himself—a true encapsulation of Israel if there ever was one. And that title will never come true, too; a better gay musician named George pointed out guilty feet have got no rhythm, so they’re never gonna dance again.

2. “Jailbait” – Ted Nugent

Who would have guessed the Trump supporter rock star who preaches about preserving family values has an entire song about how he wants to fuck a child? Out of all the statutory rape songs I’ve discussed here, this one just goes above and beyond to be utterly vile; at the time this song came out, Ted was in his thirties lusting after a 13-year-old. And when the cops show up in the song, he offers to share this child with them. And you can’t even excuse it away as him doing a bit, because HE HAS ADMITTED TO FUCKING UNDERAGE GIRLS. Courtney Love says she blew him when she was 14, and there was a line of girls behind her waiting to do the same! In 1978 when he was 29 he started a relationship with a 17-year-old from Hawaii, and he may have even become her legal guardian! Nugent is one of the most repulsive musicians out there in every regard, and unlike “My Sharona” this song can’t even fall back on sounding good! If you’re going to be a disgusting creep, at least make a token effort to be listenable!

1. “Imagine” – Gal Gadot and a whole bunch of celebrities