#the bakery

Tears are oxidized,

Face is chipping.

My bones rusting,

My joints becoming squeaky, broken hinges.

A spark suffocated in a blanket.

A plant that's become entirely root-bound.

Growth wholly stunted,

Yet unable to acclimate to a better situation.

Crumpled up piece of scrap paper,

Fated to be tossed near the bin,

But never quite make it in.

Forever tethered to jobs that I hate 

That will never pay me enough to eat.

Cursed to never be satisfied,

Fated to continue spending money I don't have.

The pretty porcelain needs to be shattered onto the floor.

The walls will suffocate without holes to breathe.

I need my heart ripped out of my body

Just to make sure it's still beating. 

A first hit of hopelessness.

Powerless as the world wilts around me,

The delicate decay melting into nothing.

Paving concrete atop the greenery,

Dehydrating all that surrounds.

Total lack of being.

Total loss of self.

I am vacuum-sealed.

Crease-less.

Holding a breath for eternity,

My zombie face pulled securely over my skull.

Eyes dry and dehydrated,

Threatening to spill if only I take a sip of water.

My jealousy is the stupidest thing I own,

But it is unfortunately one of my only possessions.

My anger was subsidized long ago,

My needs swept away for spare change.

When I look to the future,

Every thump of my heart digs it deeper.

This nightmare I've woken up into.

My formerly perceived purpose now extinguished,

Having existed only in a hallucination.

A rug pulled from under my feet, 

Wool plucked from my eyes.

How long have I lived here at rock bottom?

Water drips into the puddle that will one day drown me,

Each drop with higher belonging than me.

I need to scream for help,

They took me off of the registers (other job, mall retail) and this in itself is, like, whatever, however I'm one of two sales associates and everyone else is an assistant manager or higher, meaning it's literally just mine and this other sales associate's main job to be on registers. For the past 4 or 5 shifts, I've been taken off of the registers without much reason outside of "we want you to focus more on customers walking around the store" which also, in itself is fine. Company is getting tougher about expectations, and is really pushing everyone to get 2+ items, and absurd amounts of add-ons, I am not the strongest employee in terms of pushing hard to get 2+ and add-ons. I always mention it briefly but if people say no, I move on. They talk about the add-ons and all CONSTANTLY though, it is brought up at the beginning of every shift, and we tally the add-ons for every single transaction, and we're supposed to roleplay with each other on how to get more add-ons. I am very insecure about my ability to secure these add-ons; I am not that good at it. I always discuss them with each guest, every single time, people just say no to me. It truly, deeply, feels like RNG whether or not someone will get these add-ons. Sometimes they do, but more often they don't.

Anyways, I'm being taken off of the registers consistently without explanation. I talk to the customers like normal, but the managers are always busy doing their manager tasks, so it really just inconveniences customers more making them wait to be rung out, when I just stand there idly as an employee who literally has nothing else to do. There is nothing to clean or rearrange. My only job is to talk to customers and ring them out, and now I'm suddenly not allowed to ring them out. I've had a stressful week, I'm on the verge of quitting my "main" job, literally called 911 on the clock because I had an anxiety attack so bad I thought I was about to faint (again) and I wouldn't have been allowed to leave otherwise. One of my managers at my other job has a phenomenal skill of getting under my skin without meaning to. She gave me a few orders and I broke down sobbing and stayed in the break room for an unfortunate amount of time just crying my eyes out. She eventually came into the back and tried to talk to me, and gave me a little bit of clarity about everything, but overall did not make me feel much better.

Essentially, "they" decided to take me off of registers because although I was doing a lot better with add-ons and all earlier in the year, they noticed that at some point my confidence tanked and they want to have me regain confidence on the sales floor before putting me back on register. She suggested I go around the store and "really look at the products". I know the products, I'm just autistic and can't hold a fucking conversation. The drop in my confidence came at the same exact time that I got so few hours at both jobs that just paying for necessities I racked up $5,000 in credit card debt and had to get constant rides to work because I couldn't afford to put gas in my car or eat. I'm STILL trying to get through this debt. I've only gotten it down to around $3,400 working one full-time job and one part-time, and I still have other debts I'm trying to pay off!! Not to mention, around this time was when the company decided to raise all of the add-on expectations, which I was BARELY meeting to begin with. All of this, on top of my two incredibly taxing and stressful jobs with little-to-no support at either place, yeah my confidence might go down a bit!

Plus, so rarely do I ever actually get to do a roleplay with someone or practice these things that the company INSISTS on me having to do well in. I started doing well talking to customers then because I started getting roleplays about talking to customers. I started getting 2+ item transactions when we fucking roleplayed getting 2+ items.