#thatlacefront

You guys. Many of you already lived through me live tweeting this musical event last night on twitter (which if you don’t already follow me, you should! @WigWurq) but let’s take a deep dive together into the roller coaster of confusion that was: Little Mermaid Live! And yes, we’ll even discuss the wigs. 

First off, the 1989 animated film The Little Mermaid WAS AND IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME. It was my favorite childhood movie. I saw it thrice in the theater and wore out several vhs and dvd copies of it. My mom even convinced our local video store to let me have their display for it which we installed in my bedroom and I worshipped it as a shrine. It then became my daughter’s first movie and chosen Halloween costume. Needless to say, I had a lot of feelings going into this one and somehow even more feelings coming out of it. 

ABC (who shares a parent company with Disney) decided to broadcast this as a “live” TV event since it is (gasp!) 30 years after its original release. Leaning heavily on nostalgia, they started this event by having the OG voice of Ariel, JODI EFFING BENSON, introduce the show. Obviously, this woman is a goddess in my book and this was a super classy way to start this whole thing.

Then the movie began! No, not the “live” event, but just the actual 1989 animated movie. ABC had prepared us for this, calling it a hybrid live event WITH ONLY THE SONGS BEING PERFORMED LIVE. This confusing conceit truly made me wonder why they bothered with this production at all, and my 4yo daughter, who I allowed to stay up and watch the first 20 minutes, just kept asking me “when are the people going to come back” and honestly: SAME QUESTION!!!

Anyway, after the credit sequence, the movie stopped playing and a stage was overtaken by sailors while the live audience (also subjected to the film) were also forced to become an ocean of rhythmic gymnasts and this was the moment I knew we were really in for something. 

I could not possibly tell you who this wigless kid is playing Eric but he seemed genuinely happy to be involved and THERE WAS A LIVE DOG PLAYING MAX so whatever! Fine! 

Also someone made the fabulous choice to cast Eric’s wet blanket guardian, Grimsby, as an African-American! I am here for #BlackGrimsby even if his wig looks like something out of colonial reenactor hell which does beg the question: is this supposed to be a powdered wig within the narrative? Probably so FINE. Still, we as a nation had to still watch animated #WhiteGrimsby and can you see how this whole hybrid live event thing was a bad idea?!?! 

After some more of the movie, including the animated introduction of Sebastian (NOT SHAGGY YET), we got to see the concert appearance of Ariel’s sisters, played by a lot of randos and also AMBER RILEY. YESSSS.

Amber Riley should be in all live musicals and also her wig and costume makes her look like a drag queen who would win All-Stars which is to say: PERFECT. 

After some more animated movie scenes I’ve seen 5000 times and now a full 18 minutes into the broadcast: WE FINALLY GOT LIVE ARIEL. AND OMG WHAT THE EFF IS THAT WIG. The lace front fully gave me the shivers and twitter agreed with me. Truly, what is this lacefront?! There is none! It is just more hair! WHERE IS HER DAMN FOREHEAD?! The consistency of the wig itself is also generally horrific: my daughter’s Halloween wig when she was Ariel was vastly superior. Which is all really a shame because Ariel here is being played by Auli’i Cravalho, aka MOANA HERSELF and she truly deserved a better wig. 

Still, when Ariel flew over the audience, it was kind of magical and this Moana chick can SANG. My daughter was completely entranced. And then as soon as it hit the commercial break, I demanded that she absolutely go to bed (don’t worry - she’ll watch it probably 500 times on hulu later). 

After more animation, we finally got Shaggy as Sebastian and truly WHAT IS THIS COSTUME. More Michael Jackson in Thriller than any form of crab, I have many questions. Did Shaggy just straight up refuse to be in a crab costume? Not even crab hands?

This Moana chick is in fully mermaid tail and harness, a stage full of people have just straight up become muppets, and yet Shaggy is running around in damn driving gloves and we’re supposed to be ok with this? I AM NOT OK WITH THIS. GIVE ME MORE CRAB!!! Also “Under the Sea” was a total acid trip which I may never recover from.

 We got some more animation, including Ursula and although I LOVE the original, Pat Carroll, I am forever mad at ABC for denying me Queen Latifah’s line reading of “we mustn’t lurk in doorways” SO MANY MISSED OPPORTUNITIES. Still, I’m into the puppet versions of Flotsam and Jetsam and remain completely horrified by the lace front on this Ariel wig. 

AND THEN FINALLY MY KWEEN ENTERED. Truly, this is the kind of entrance that only a true diva has (AND DESERVES) and it really was everything. 

Truly epic. 

Also epic? This damn wig! This is serving RuPaul levels of wig greatness and if the wig budget had to all go to this, then I guess: OK! 

Queen Latifah obviously sounded amazing and also she had a mid-song costume change into this leather daddy dress and honestly, this whole mess of a “live” musical might have been worth it just for this song. 

YESSSSSSSSS.

And then there’s John Stamos. His inexplicable casting as French chef, Louis, had all of us baffled (though I guess he already had played this role at the Hollywood Bowl once?) Anyway, he was having a lot of fun and this moustache is terrifying but not as terrifying as....

THIS SMALL CHILD AS THE CRAB LOUIS IS ABOUT TO COOK. Why oh why wasn’t this Shaggy? Truly, did he just have it in his contract to not be a crab in this? Is Shaggy allowed to do that when he signed on TO PLAY A SINGING CRAB? WHY ARE WE SUBJECTING CHILDREN TO THIS (also including the children, including my own, watching at home!)

DON’T WORRY - IT GOT WORSE! AKA A POT FULL OF CHILD CRABS! WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS AND WHY?!?!?!

Back over to the only crab I thought we were getting who is still definitely not in a crab costume, “Kiss the Girl” was totally fine and also inexplicably involved children playing music. OK?

HOWEVER, EVEN ON LAND, THIS WIG REMAINS A GHOSTMARE.

Meanwhile, they decided to add in this song that (a currently voiceless) Ariel sings with Eric. I’m sure this song existed in the Broadway version of this show, but I mainly blocked that out of my collective memory. 

I have said it before and I’ll say it again: I’ve always loved Prince Eric because of the way he casually wears capes. 

Still, this song was very boring. 

BUT THEN MY KWEEN CAME BACK! I don’t know if I support new Little Mermaid songs UNLESS they are in the form of reprises solely for Queen Latifah. And then we were denied a LOT of Queen Latifah acting (including what I was hoping would be a giant Queen Latifah) in lieu of just watching the entire ending of the movie. 

And then it was over! Confetti and wedding dresses and....huh what did I just sit through?

STILL PLEASE GIVE QUEEN LATIFAH AN EMMY FOR THIS. 

In the end, I cannot let my love of Queen Latifah (and this movie) change the fact that this was totally a mess (if only it had all been live!) and the wigs most definitely needed some help. 

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ