#text blogging

There's a constant battle going inside my head. My conscience(Zameer) conflicting with my Nafs. I keep hearing some voices from time to time coming from inside of me, in my mind. I don't understand where do they come from or it is Shaytan who's whispering them in my ears. Stopping me from approaching opportunities. Ceasing my capacity of rational thinking. Making me self-judgmental. Compelling me to start doubting my ownself, my own capabilities. Making me saying things to myself like you're worthless, you’re lazy, you’re stupid, you’re unlovable, etc. Which is eventually making me hate myself. However, forgetting how could you hate yourself? Despite, When Allahﷻ loves you the most. Heﷻ loves you more than seventy mothers. When our prophet Muhammad ﷺ loves you the most. How?

Maybe the reason behind procrastinating over everything is also these voices. Making me lazier day by day. And when I procrastinate, I judge myself pretty harshly, telling myself I’m not a good person, I'm just like a sack of potatoes. Moreover, what concerns me is that everyone is productive and are achieving their goals, except me. Asking myself why I'm not good enough?Somedays, these voices inside of me don't even let me sleep. Spending nights overthinking. Yet, i forget that we're human beings. Our lord created us as humans. And every human has different capabilities and potentialities on the basis of which, we work accordingly. We make mistakes, making us aware of what needs to be changed in order to improve. Besides, every human has their vices too. With whom a person constantly battles or either befriend them, that means to become slave of 'em. These vices or lusts are also aroused by our nafs. When Shaytan and nafs team up against us. They trick us in different different ways with gimmicks and deceptions, to make us go astray. But we should stay steadfast on our deen, and ask Allahﷻ for help and protection from evil. However, we make mistakes, we learn and we overcome. Nevertheless, we do keep repeating some of our mistakes untill we learn from them. Though, people don't see our struggles and just kept throwing their words as knives. They don't think that their mouths could work like a bows and words like arrows. And could criticality damage one's feelings. Even if they kill someone, someday. But who cares. And it is also their words behind the growth of these voices. It isn't easy to win over these voices. It is our conscience which help us to keep fighting the inner battle, against the things that we don't speak out. These troubles we've got may arises through the traumatic events we experience or have experienced. It just end up making a chaos inside your head. It feels like a graveyard, occasionally we end up burying something inside of us. In the end, what we came to realise is that these voices are nothing but created by our own Nafs, when befriended by Shaytan. ["Auzubillahi-Minashaitan-Nirajeem": I seek refuge in Allah from the outcast Shaitan.] And, as for the thoughts, it can be seen as an example of a pathway where different passersby passes and it's upto you to whom do you have to pay attention to. If you gave your attention to the wrong one, it will eventually harm you. And for the right one, it will be beneficial for you. ["In-Sha-Allah": if Allah wills.] And to make a difference between the right and wrong, our conscience works. And ask Allah (سُبْحَانَهُ وَتَعَالَى): "Ya Rabb, grant me the strength to change the things i can, the courage to accept the things i can't, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Somethings are better to be left unsaid. “Whether you conceal what is in your hearts or reveal it, Allah will know it.” He knows what is in the heavens and what is in the earth. Allah is powerful over everything.[ Aal-Imran | 3:29] Indeed. He's all knowing: Rab-ul-alameen. Our pain is as temporary as this world. Every disease has it's cure. Verily, it is our lord who shall heal the chest of his believers. Whosoever believe in his guidance and mercy, his heart will be cured. "...And (He) shall heal the breast of the believers." [At-Tawba | 9:14] Surely, heﷻ test us by putting us in trials. And verily, with hardship comes ease. How can we forget that this worldly life is only temporary enjoyment, and indeed, the hereafter is the home of permanent settlement? We all are here today and gone tomorrow. And all these worldly possessions will end up being worthless. And only our good deeds will remain with us on the day of judgement. May Allah ﷻ forgive us all for our sins. May Allah ﷻ grant us relief from all that suffocates us and constricts us. May heﷻ grant us peace amongst the turmoils and tribulations. May Allah ﷻ grant us protection against laziness, cowardice, miserliness and the punishment of the grave. May Allahﷻ grant our souls dutifulness and purify them from arrogance, envy, egoism, selfishness, greed, lust, intolerance, anger, lying, cheating, gossiping, and slandering. May Allahﷻ guard us all. As he's the bestower of faith and Security: "Al-Mu’min". And the Guardian: "Al-Muhaymin". May Allah ﷻ take our lives when he's most pleased with us and help us all to get over these mental traumas.

Ameen ya rabbul alameen!🌼🍃

Fi-Aman-illah!🥀

ㅤㅤㅤㅤ// after a while I returned

to an empty house

nice to meet you. again.

Боюсь я и 31 августа и всю неделю до этого, но 1 сентября – особое чувство. Будто я, как в том фильме, ухватилась за куст и вот-вот упаду в бездну. Упаду, разобьюсь на куски. И некому поймать меня.

Когда-то я думала, что если падать достаточно часто и хорошо, то можно превратиться в пыль. А пыль смешать с клеем и сделать из этого что-то хорошее. Правильное и нужное. Что раз уж я падаю, то так и надо. Каждый раз я уговаривала себя отпустить этот бедный куст и нырнуть туда. Вниз. Чтобы однажды разбиться до конца.

Кажется так было всегда. Почти всегда. В 11 классе мне впервые было спокойно. Я впервые смогла увидеть пропасть снаружи. Хотела бы я сказать, что бояться там нечего, но вот только это будет жалкая ложь.