#teslacars

What up, libsharts. Since you all fell for my brilliant social experiment last year, I thought I’d come back to troll you for another round. You really thought that I was gay, huh? Well, you weren’t the only ones. I showed it to the bros in my Elon Musk Discord server, and they stupidly went “Wow, that was pretty gay” and I said “No it isn’t” and one guy said “You said that you’re attracted to Rick a bunch of times” and I said “No I didn’t” and another guy said “Dude, you said the exact same thing yesterday” and I said “No I didn’t” and he said “You literally showed up out of nowhere, said ‘im going to jack it to rick tonight lol’ and left” and I said “Haha, it was all a social experiment! I’m fucking with you! I’m a master manipulator like Rick! What’s gay about what I said? If somebody on Discord said ‘I want Rick Sanchez to ream me in the back room at Spencer’s’ and you thought ‘Wow, that sounds pretty gay,’ maybe YOU’RE the one who has dreams about Rick railing you in a blow-up inflatable pool while Bird Person lies facedown in a ditch!”

I beat them with cold, hard logic, just like Rick would. But one aspect of my genius experiment was true: I’m a dudebro sent here to infiltrate Tumblr. We do everything better than you, and to prove it, I wrote a fic that’s infinitely superior to anything you Tumblrinas could shit out. You think you’re the only ones who can come up with stories? Ha! You’re never going to beat me. You ass clowns have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about Rick!

Anyway, here’s my one-shot that’s better than a thousand Rick Sanchez/Reader fics combined, and I would know, because I read all of them. And this is NOT AI-generated, by the way–no machine could compete with the brilliance pulsating in my brain stem. Get obliterated with literature, dumbfucks!

Your Majesty: Rick Sanchez/Elon Musk (PLATONIC!!)

Elon Musk gazed at the sky as a spaceship shimmered into view, glittering in the sunlight while it approached the SpaceX landing strip. Elon–or E, as his most respected admirers called him–was a ruggedly handsome man of over six feet tall with a chiseled jaw, godlike facial features, sizeable muscles and a full head of hair that one would love to run their hands through–if they were allowed to, of course. But few people had enjoyed this privilege. In both a literal and metaphorical sense, Elon Musk was truly untouchable.

A SpaceX rocket launched to the left of him, undoubtedly on another successful mission, but E’s eyes were fixed on the giant spaceship drifting to the ground with a barely audible whirr. The Tesla logo glinted on the front of the incredible ship, a mark of Elon’s brilliance. Steam hissed from the entrance as the side door opened and a lengthy shadow stretched across the ground.

“Greetings, Elon,” Rick Sanchez said as he approached. He was just as handsome as Musk, perhaps even more so. At nearly seven feet tall, most humans could only gaze up at him and marvel at his unfathomable genius, matched only by that of the engineer standing in front of him. He strode magnificently toward E as if he knew that he were God’s perfect creation, the scientist that would give Stephen Hawking envy diarrhea.

“Salutations, Rick,” E answered in kind, acknowledging the pleasure of being in his presence. “What do you have for me?”

“I have a concept that will revolutionize our lives and showcase our brilliance to the rest of the planet.” Rick paused. “Nay, the entire galaxy. Alien species will look up at us in wonder as they question how Earth could have produced not one, but two, of the universe’s perfect beings.”

Musk flashed him a smile brimming with boyish charm. “It seems, as I’ve suspected many times, that you and I are the main characters in this simulation, and everyone else–girls and normies in particular–are mere NPCs.”

“This is true, but I can’t take credit for all of it,” Rick admitted. “While most of this idea was mine, I confess that I couldn’t have developed this plan without Tesla’s impressive technology.”

“You are too humble,” E said with a nod of his head. “Of course, none of this would have been possible without your technology that turned Tesla into the pinnacle of human achievement, a stunning display of masculine brilliance and prowess that womenfolk could never accomplish because they’re dumb.”

“You are familiar with my Raising Gazorpazorp manifesto, I presume?”

“Of course, Rick. I have watched every moment of your life with intense fascination. Our Twitter interaction all those years ago was the highlight of my existence, moreso than the birth of every one of my children combined, and it compelled the author of this story to jerk off to it even though we’re both men.”

“He was imagining all the hot chicks that he sucked off in his fraternity, I’m sure.”

“Undoubtedly. Now, if you would, please lead me into the ship so that I can witness your latest intellectual conquest.”

“Follow me, Your Majesty,” Rick responded with a limp-wristed wave that was stunningly, incredibly heterosexual.

The door hissed shut behind them as E followed Rick into the ship. Since Rick had partnered with Tesla a year prior, his ship had become a sprawling technological wonder full of everything that the space traveler could possibly need. Only E could have done this, Rick thought to himself, as he gazed around the interior of the ship as if seeing it for the first time. Truly, being in the presence of his hero reminded him of his incredible fortune.

Rick’s ship, once small and held together with duct tape but an astonishing creation nonetheless, now housed five scientific laboratories stocked with alien technology that Rick and E had amassed on their many adventures together. His ship also possessed a gigantic library, a hologram room where he spoke with digital recreations of Earth’s greatest MALE scientists, a math classroom where he solved and invented equations, a Tesla think tank where shareholders held board meetings, a SpaceX rocket manufacturing plant, and a cafeteria that served exclusively reheated taquitos and Mountain Dew.

Elon felt the same way as Rick. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the scientist as they walked to one of the laboratories. Of course, this was done in a completely straight, masculine way. E thought that he would later have sex with lots of beautiful women that looked a little like Rick, but they weren’t Rick, because that would be gay.

“Here it is, my dear E,” Rick said, spreading out his arms in front of him like a Greek god.

A scale model of a glass dome stood on a pedestal with tiny figures moving inside to represent a community. As E peered into the dome, the glass reflected his breathtakingly handsome features.

“This is the community that we will build on Pluto,” Rick announced. “As you’ve undoubtedly guessed already due to your unfathomable genius, those crystals in the center release pheromones that will cause the most beautiful women in the universe to flock to us while the ugly ones stay at home and cry about it on Tumblr. These beauties will fawn over and make out with us while we chug Mountain Dew and watch video game livestreams where one guy just says ‘BANG!’ over and over. One of our wives will microwave taquitos on demand while another will periodically wipe the sweat off our gaming chairs. Truly, we will be the gods of our own universe.”

E smiled at this thought. He had colonized Mars years ago and had no less than 1,000 Martian wives with male relatives who had invested in E-Coin, his genuis cryptocurrency that only tech bros could understand, but he now saw an opportunity to enter the NFT market. Any male would be delighted to own a digital representation of one of these alien Helens of Troy. And of course, who but Rick should be at his side? Who else but the god-like scientist who deserved to have dominion over every living being in existence?

“If you have a minute, E–” Rick began, then stopped. “You do have a minute, don’t you? As the owner and CEO of X, PayPal, SpaceX, Tesla, OpenAI, Neuralink, xAI, Midjourney, OpenSea, Adult Swim, Dogecoin, McDonald’s, Fox News, The Joe Rogan Experience, Funko Pops, Discord, and Harmontown, I realize that your time is so precious that one second with you is worth ten kilos of fine Neptunian gold.”

Once more, Elon flashed his iconic boyish grin. “Rick, don’t you know me by now? If I weren’t a man of science who understood the natural disasters that it would cause, I would stop the world from spinning on its axis just to spend another minute in your presence.”

Rick responded with a flushed smile, then pressed a button on the side of the display. “Then allow me to demonstrate.”

When a set of steel doors slid open, a girl robot emerged from the storage space. I guess she was attractive for a girl. In her extended arms, she held a glass case piled high with shimmering jewels.

“This is a scale model of one of our Plutonian wives,” Rick said intelligently, lifting the case from her hands. “In preparation for our mission, I’ve amassed a fine collection of intergalactic space jewelry.”

Rick typed in a code to unlock the case: 42069. 420 and 69 were Rick’s favorite numbers, as well as Elon’s. The gemstones glinted in the light as the lid clicked open. Rick attached the earrings and kissed the robot’s ears, slid on the bracelets and kissed her wrists, and strung on the necklace and kissed her neck. He looked amazing in that jewelry.

“Well, Rick, this calls for quite the celebration,” E said cheerfully. “Should we celebrate with a bottle of Twitterian space wine?

“Of course,” Rick said with a wink. “What do you think I stashed in the wine cooler?”

Rick pressed a button on the wall, causing a drawer to slide out with a hiss and a cloud of steam. The steam dissipated to reveal a sparkling bottle of golden wine and two identical glasses with Rick and Elon’s names etched into the side. Rick handed Elon one of the glasses, the surface reflecting his Adonis-like visage.

“Let’s take this to the lounge, shall we?” Rick said. “I could use some quality time with my technological muse, the scientist whose mere existence transformed my life the second I laid eyes upon him.”

“Ah, but the feeling is mutual,” Elon confessed. “When I first saw you in that Tesla board meeting and realized that you had invested in our stock, I knew that I had reached the defining moment of my career, the pinnacle of achievement that made everything else seem like watching an orangutan pissing into a lake.”

“Your affections charm and dazzle me,” Rick responded. “I may go on adventures alone when you’re busy transforming X into history’s greatest social media empire, but I confess that my travels are incomplete without you by my side.”

“I will have to take a break from X to join you on the next mission,” E said with a nod. “After all, we have not yet had sex with all the hot babes in the universe. We’ve had sex with most of them, this is true, but I’m sure there are far-off corners of the galaxy that have yet to hear the legend of Rick and Elon: a hundred years, a hundred more, our friendship extending into eternity.”

A few minutes later, the two of them were reclining in a lounge furnished with plush velvet couches, Greek statues of famous scientists, and a bubbling hot tub. Rick and Elon had slept with many hot alien chicks in this lounge, but they didn’t really enjoy it even though they were both straight. One might say that they were super-straight. It was a special type of straight that only their genius minds could possess.

Elon and Musk clinked their glasses before they each took a drink. “While we’re here, should we engage in some meta commentary?” E said with a sly chuckle.

“Of course,” Rick said, straightening to look at the reader. “I would like to say that the author of this fic is an incredibly handsome, virile, and heterosexual man, and if I were gay and he were gay–which we’re not, of course–I would love to take my pants off and sit on his face while he recites mathematical theorems.”

“I concur,” E said with a tilt of his head. “I also find this author to be quite attractive, brilliant and god-like, and although I’m super-straight, I would be up for a threesome with you, him, and I in a truck stop bathroom while some other guys watch.”

“Truly, that would be the spectacle of a lifetime,” Rick said with a charming, boyish grin. “Of course, this is impossible because I’m straight as well as white and neurotypical, and whenever I said otherwise, I was in fact performing a social experiment on my audience.”

“I, too, have done such a thing,” Elon agreed. “And Birdrick is platonic, is it not?”

“Birdrick is indeed platonic. Anyone who thought that scene was gay needs to watch some gay porn and learn what ‘gay’ really means, which this author does on a regular basis.”

They nodded in agreement, then drank their glittering space wine as the sun set outside the ship, casting the inside of the lounge in a deep, romantic glow. Rick lit a set of Tesla candles powered by Teslectricity, a new form of electricity that Musk had patented. The lights shimmered and flickered as if the candles were about to explode any second.

Orange light shined on the surface of the water bubbling in the hot tub. “It’s growing warm in here,” Rick said, fanning himself with his strong yet elegant hand. “I think I need to remove a few layers. Excuse me, E, while I change into something other than my iconic lab coat.”

Rick disappeared into another room and returned a few minutes later, wearing only a bathrobe. Elon rubbed the back of his neck as he found himself sweating. Suddenly, the temperature seemed to have increased a hundred degrees.

“I believe that I will also remove a few layers,” E stated. “Excuse me for a moment.”

E disappeared into the same room, which had several robes and outfits in his size just in case he lost his clothes for some weird reason. The room also held outfits for other prominent male scientists, plus Dan Harmon. The room had no clothing for womenfolk because they’re gross and dumb.

When Elon returned, Rick sat on the edge of the hot tub, drawing circles in the surface of the water with his toe as he swirled the remainder of the wine in his glass. His eyes were lowered with an expression that one could almost consider lustful–his thoughts full of girlies, no doubt, even though they scarcely deserved a moment of his attention.

“I’m thinking about taking a dip in the hot tub,” Rick said. “Would you care to join me?”

“Of course,” E said, already removing his robe. “I desire nothing else in this moment.”

—

HAHA noobs, you thought you had it all figured out, didn’t you? You thought this was going to lead to some gay shit? Well, I’ll tell you what happens. Rick and Elon PLATONICALLY sit in the hot tub together. That’s all that they do. And they talk about all the babes that they’re going to make out with when Rick gets his crap on Pluto set up. Yeah, that’s right, libpukes: Rick likes GIRLS even though they’re stupid and dumb and don’t understand Rick and Morty! No one will ever understand Rick Sanchez like I do! Not Elon Musk, despite his unfathomable brilliance! Not Dan Harmon, despite his magnificent beard! No one but me, Steve White, the man of every scientist’s dreams!

Anyway, I just proved to you that the woke crowd took over the writers’ room and made Rick something he’s not. This story is more accurate and in character than every episode from seasons 5-7 put into a blender, spun around and spewed onto a plate like a horse vomit smoothie. Rick was once a manly, masculine man–a man’s man, you might say–before they turned him into a twink like they’re challenging the audience to jerk off to him.

I told the guys in my Elon Musk server “Wow, Rick and Morty has been a real jerkoff machine lately, huh?” and they said “No? Not really?” and I said “What show are you watching? Rick and Morty has been a total jerkoff machine” and one guy said “Yeah, I agree with you, I jack it to Rick on the regular” and I said “Haha, I was just fucking with you guys! It was another social experiment! I’m a master manipulator! I’m the real-life Rick! What’s gay about what I said? While you queers jack it to Rick in a gay way, I’m going to jack off to Rick to PROVE TO MYSELF that I’m STRAIGHT!!!”

I got banned from the server for a week, and I had so much time on my hands that I decided I’d pop back in and give Tumblr another textual ass-crushing. The server’s going to be so proud of me when I tell them what I did. Elon would be proud. Dan Harmony-to-my-ears would be proud. And Rick would DEFINITELY be proud. If my Rick Sanchez body pillow were animated, he’d look directly into my eyes and whisper to me as tears of joy stream down my face.

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