#teemy

A little kitten we love more than everything.

Image courtesy of @waitingforsummertoend

Luca: “Aaaand you are weeetnessing something extraoardeenary! Here lies an ancient artifact juxtaposed with” he gestures towards Armie “...an actual, real-life walking Greek statue!”

Armie blushes and looks down at his shoes.

Timmy gazes at the bronze arm with wonder and reverence. He is fully immersed in staring.

Luca: “CUT!! No no no no! Teeemy! Tesoro! What you are doing!?”

Timmy turns to look at his director with consternation.

Timmy: “I’m looking at the arm with reverence and wonder!? At least I thought I was?”

Luca: “Yes yes but look where you are standing! You are blocking the sunlight!”

Timmy looks around, bewildered, and shuffles slightly to the left.

Timmy: “Is this better?”

Luca: (thowing his arms up in the air) “No! Eet ees worse! Did they not teach you about blocking in LaGuardia!?!?!”

Timmy: (looking offended) “Yeah! I’m just, I don’t know where you want me to stand!?”

Luca marches up from behind the camera. He stands behind Timmy, puts his hands on his waist and roughly yanks him into the proper spot.

Timmy: (surprised and embarrassed) “Luca! You could’ve just told me verbally!”

Luca: “Pleease Teemy, caro mio! Let us not preeetend like you are not accustomed to being taken from behind. You insult my eentelligence.”

Armie, who is also present, raises his eyebrows and chuckles to himself.

Timmy: (whispering through gritted teeth) “You shouldn’t be drinking this early in the morning old man. Your innuendo lacks its usual subtlety!”

Luca: (also whispering)“And you should pool up your goddam jorts you leetal sex demon!”

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Timmy: (Tripping awkwardly on a weed and falling hard on his ass) “Godddamn it! I hate this fucking hill! HEEEEEEELP!!!”

Luca: (Running over) “Teemy? Are you all right? Cos'è successo? You need someone to come help you walk the rest of the way?”

Timmy: (sulking, scrunching up his face) “I can’t walk now ! What’re you BLIND!? I’m in agony! I think I sprained my ankle!” (He inhales deeply and bellows) “ARMIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!”

Luca: “What can Arrrrmie do for you that one of our crew members can’t?”

Timmy: “What a question! He can CARRY ME that’s what!”

Luca shoots him an annoyed and quizzical glance. Armie comes running over.

Armie: (with great concern, caressing Teemy’s cheek) “Timmy, you okay dude? What happened?”

Timmy: (With crocodile tears in his eyes) “Oh Armie, it was awful! I tripped over a  jagged rock! I think my ankle’s broken! Can you...can you carry me the rest of the way? And then maybe, give me a massage once we get down??” He flutters his eyelashes and pouts.

Armie: Ruffling Tim’s hair “Of course T!” Armie scoops Teemy up into his arms. When they pass Luca, Tim grins smugly and whispers “L’amore domina senza regole!”

Luca makes an obscene gesture which Teemy pretends not to see.

Timmy: (getting out of the water) “Hey dude, so we’re going to go rehearse the Bergamo kiss now right?”

Armie: (smiling, with warmth in his eyes) “Sounds like a plan!”

Timmy: “Great, I’ll just go and get m--LUCA!!!! (Luca pushes Tim back in the water, he falls onto his back and goes under for a bit)

Luca: (with a devious glint in his eye) “Whoopsie daisies!”

Armie: (shocked, confused) “What are you doing!? He can barely swim!” 

Timmy is heard thrashing around in the water yelling “Help” and “What the fuck??!”

Luca: (shrugging his shoulders, unfazed) “Just adding to the playful vibe!” (feigning innocence) “He isn’t going to drown! Is he...?”

Armie wades into the water and helps Timmy up. 

(dialogue continues under second pic)

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Timmy: “LUCA!! WHAT THE HELL!!? You know I can barely swim!”

Luca: “Oh sorry Teemy, tesoro! I thought it would be fun! You know, like the way you run around groping Armie and seeting on his lap.” (waves his hands) Funsies!”

Timmy: (approaches Luca and whispers  with a certain warning look in his eye) “I know exactly what’s going on here but you can’t stop me. Imma keep climbing that coconut tree!”

Luca squints at him and wags a finger

Armie: (oblivious, picking up a towel and his clothes) “What’s that Timmy?”

Scene: A hotel room in Las Vegas. Early evening, Thursday April 26th.

Luca Guadagnino unwinds from a day of press and mixed reviews of the "Suspiria" clip shown at Cinemacon. He is drinking an aperitif on a sofa. 

His cellphone rings...

Luca: “Helloo! Yesss? Luca here!”

Shuffling and clanging is heard on the other end.

Tim: “Luca? Luca! It's me, Timmy--Tim-- I mean Tim! NOT Timmy-Tim. Aaaahhh...” 

Luca: rolling his eyes "Ah yes! Teeeeemotay. What a nice surprise...” 

Tim: “Haaaaha yes, well you sound less than thrilled to hear my voice, hahah..”.

Luca: rolling his eyes and stamping his feet with annoyance “No Teemy! Always happy to hear from my caro amico. I heard the “Beautiful Boy” clip went down a storm! Are you calling to brag? Ahahahahahaaa!” *gesticulates with annoyance*

Tim: “Yeah...yeah it did. I mean, I was really happy with the reactions I was hearing and reading about but...but Luca--”

Luca: “Yes?”

Tim: (in a pathetic attempt at an Italian accent) Luuuuuuucaaa...

Luca: “Teemy. You sound maybe a little drunk.”

Tim: (maudlin, pleading) “How much more Luca. How much MORE??!?"

Luca: (on the road to irritation)“Teemy. Listen to me piccolo. I have no idea what you are talking about. Please use your words.”

Tim: “Luca! I can’t take much more of these pictures!!! I swear to God it’s like EVERY OTHER DAY...!”

Luca: “EH?!?!” 

Tim: “That-that Japanese book full of BEHIND THE SEX pictures of me and Armie!!! You know?!?!”

Luca: “Behind the sex--”

Tim: (drunkenly indignant)  “Behind the SCENES! Come on Luca! Get your head out of the gutter!”

Luca: (holds phone away from his ear)“Che diavolo!!!?” 

Tim: “So I got back to my flat tonight-an, an I started lookin’ at Twitter to read...what people were saying an...an all of a sudden, I get ASSAULTED by these HARD NIPPLES and glistening abs and tiny shorts!”

Luca: (pause) “Are you talking about Armie??”

Tim: “YES OF COURSE I’M TALKING ABOUT ARMIE! Who else was there!?!?”

Luca: “Teemy, you are not yourself right now. You are all riled up. You are bugging out mimmo!”

Tim: (suddenly sober and serious) “Luca. Luca, tell me: what other pictures do they have?”

Luca: “How am I supposed to know!? I do not know where these pictures are coming from Teemy! You need to talk to someone from the studio!”

Tim: (whispering conspiratorially, sounding drunk again) “Luca. Do you--do yooou think someone took a picture of mee an Armie...I think maybe we made out a few times when the camera wasn’t rolling...”

Luca: (rolling his eyes with a guffaw) “Yes, only a few times I’m sure.”

Tim: (whispering even more so) “I might’ve pretended to go down on him once or twice I dunno...you know!?”

Luca: (straining to hear) “Che? Cosa?!?!”

Tim: (with drunken despair) “I got on my knees in front of him and buried my face between his legs three or five times but like, just for FUNSIES!”

Luca: (rubbing his eyes with his free hand) “Mio Dio.."

Tim: (desperately, sound of plates crashing) “JUST LIKE A BRO-THING LUCA. YOU KNOW!!!! Luca, you know...how we’re bros that way???”

Luca: (muttering to himself while gesticulating wildly) “When will I be free of these buffone!?!?!?”

Tim: “Luca...Luca are you still there!? I can’t take much more of this!”

Luca: "Teemy my friend. Just keep doing what you are doing. Focus on the craft!

Tim: "It's hard to focus on anything other than that BODY that people keep HOUNDING me with! Hard, tanned, covered in cum--comely sweat and laying there by the pool..."

Luca has been banging his head gently against the wall in his room during Tim's last soliloquy

Luca: "Uh-oh! Teemy so sorry but I am being summoned to dinner---" (no one is summoning him to dinner)

Tim: "But I have more to get off my chest Luca! You're the only one who knows.. "

Luca: (loud enough for Tim to hear) "Yes Dakota! Imma be right there girl!"

Tim: (defeated ) "Okay. I guess you better go now. PROMISE YOU WON'T TELL ARMIE!!!"

Luca: "Caro mio, I will tell no one anything. Non ti preoccupare!"

Tim: (maudlin, needy) "Luca, I miss his diii--"

Dial tone sounds as Luca hangs up on him.

Luca: (kicking over a suitcase, yanking at the little hair he has left) "BASTA! THESE TWO!!!"

THE END

Luca: “Yes, I think it looks much more natural and como si dice, 'aesthetically pleasing' if you roll up the shorts like that. Yes!”

Armie: “Oh okay Luca. You’re the boss. Whatever you say!”

Timmy: (mumbling under his breath) “What a load of--”

Luca: “Teemy, you were saying something?”

Timmy: (innocent, wide-eyed) “No nothing, I was just singing!”

Luca: “Ah, good. I like that spirit! (turns back to Armie) As I was saying caro, perhaps spread the legs a leetal wider. And do you really need the shirt at all for this scene?”

Timmy: “What about me. What about my shirt?”

Luca: *waving his hand absentmindedly at Tim* “Yes, yes. Good. Maybe even button it up. You are really very pale. Fantasma!”

Timmy: *frowns, looks at his chest, looks at his legs*

Armie: “Like this Luca (sits as pictured)?”

Luca: “BRAVO! As I live and breathe! Oliver sits before us!”