In a little over two months it will be a year since a ten year long toxic friendship that had nearly lead me down a path of self destruction ended. Yet, frequently over the year, I have been having dreams about them. Some of them were demanding me to what they used to ask of me: Give them rides, give them food, etc. But last night I had a dream where the two of us had an interaction involving discussing the friendship’s end with their mother.Â
It was jarring, and a bit overwhelming. I was blamed, stating that my behaviors after destroyed their self-esteem and that I ought to feel shame. It stung, it hurt, and my voice was robbed of me because when I tried to defend myself it had left me.Â
I was trapped and afraid. I cried in my dream, hard. I wanted nothing more then to be able to run away from them. I had done nothing, and if our friendship had meant anything then their anger shouldn’t have been directed toward me.Â
I wasn’t the one who ended our friendship. They ended our friendship. Over something that I wasn’t even involved with.Â
With their mother standing there, she watched in alarm. She wondered why everything ended.Â
When I woke up, I wasn’t sure what to think. I wanted to curl up and cry. Why was this happening? I thought the dreams of them would end!Â
I wish nothing but the best for them, and that they are able to reach any of their goals in life. I am not the type of person who holds any hard feelings or hatred. I just wish I understood these dreams, I wish I knew how to move on. I still feel the after effects of what I had gone through with them. I had been used and manipulated. I have issues with being assertive and I question myself whenever I try to do anything for myself.Â
Am I bad person? Why do I hate myself over this? When I think I am getting better all of the sudden I am back at square one. In constant emotional pain, and wondering if it will ever go away.Â
I am grateful for all the friends I have, those who I see physically, and those who I talk to online. I’m grateful for my wonderful girlfriend, @seasoned-uncutetomboy, for putting up with my low self-esteem self.Â
There are days I feel like I don’t deserve these people in my life, but oh my God, I don’t ever want to lose them.Â
I just want things to get better.
In regards to the person that I used to be friends with:Â
I will always care about them. I know we are no longer in each other’s lives, but I do wish nothing but good positive things for them. I hope they find a group of friends that they can be happy with, and that they succeed in life. I wish nothing but positive things for them. Even if they don’t wish the same for me.