#taylor squared

With a sweaty face and the side of her bangs sticking right to her forehead as most nights, she just takes one step after the other through the long hallway. This morning, she realized how much smaller these stadium walls felt to her this time around than they did the very first time she was here. But right now, it seems like the longest hallway on this planet. By far. Her hand wanders to her eyes, and she wipes away the sweat that has gotten stuck right under her mascara. A few of the stage workers pass her by, giving her an exciting thumbs up. As almost everyone in this building today. It feels almost absurd how much love and praise you can get, right before the fall. Right before people turn on you again.

She smiles thankfully, just nods, can hear the heels of her sparkly overknee-boots on the concrete floor, as well as the other steps behind her. Security is accompanying her back to her dressing room. Taylor feels her chest heaving. Today was fun. Today was magical. Today was.. a lot. 

She feels a rush of thankfulness overcome her, right when she can finally see the door to her dressing room. The doors open up and the first thing she finds makes her smile in an instant. Austin is struggling to grab the big cat from one end of the costume rack at the end of the room, clearly signaling his girlfriend on the other side of it to keep Benjamin from clawing even more into one of the sparkly, expensive costumes. When she sees Taylor, Sydney already has to laugh. She knows exactly how ridiculous they both must look, desperately trying to catch this massive cat.

“I swear, we tried to keep him from..”

“It’s okay, he loves the golden dress.” Taylor laughs, seems to be a lot more relaxed about the fact that these claws are now deep in the expensive fabric while the heavy cat tries to hold himself upright on it. Within a split second, Taylor has opened up the zipper to her boots, feels a deep relief in her bones as her bare feet touch the ground for the first time. She loves herself in heels, but nothing ever feels better than the come-down from wearing tight and uncomfortable shoes to being barefoot on a carpet. 

“Great show, honey.” 

A voice is heard behind Taylor, who has now securely reached for Benjamin, presses her face into his soft furry head one time. She knows it might be the slightest bit of problematic that she’s as thankful for her cats as she is these days. But just holding this warm little animal in her arms after the show for a few seconds makes her heart open up for a moment. She needs them. She needs these loving little creatures more than she ever thought she would.

Just when she’s about to let Benjamin jump out of her arms and next to his sisters on the sofa, Taylor feels a warm hand on her back, gets pulled into a tight hug by her mom. Andrea is still wearing her black mask, but she can see in her eyes what the matter is. Pride. Love. And a massive amount of sentimentalism in this moment. 

“You’re a literal shining star.” she whispers into Taylor’s ears, and she nods. She hates nothing more than these words, right in this moment, but she knows exactly what her mom is trying to tell her. And she takes it for what it is. Her mother’s way of trying to make her feel like she’s still the same person she was thirteen years ago. 

The same light that people have always seen in her. She swallows. Her hand on her mother’s back. 

“Thanks, mom.” 

“That was incredible, Tay. Have you heard them screaming? They’re literally still screaming outside of the stadium.” 

Taylor slowly ends the hug with her mom, can’t help but laugh at her father who’s just entered the dressing room, and can’t stop hiding his excitement for whatever went down in this arena in the past hours. He’s still her biggest fan in a way. She sluggishly falls into another hug with him. She can feel him kiss the top of her head once, then slowly pulls back as he looks at her with almost a questioning look on his face. She smiles bravely, then nods. Almost as if she knew exactly that this was the answer he needed. She's okay.

“I’m exhausted. Like.. my legs are shaking. Was weird today.” she goes, places both hands on her thighs for a second, Andrea is already busy untying the back of her corset. She’s thankful that her mom is here with her, knowing so well how difficult it gets for her to move after these three hour long shows. She gets one last hug from Tree, who has just also entered this dressing room, appreciates quickly how she tells her security to get the bathroom ready for her.

“Taylor, the car is ready in thirty minutes. Is that okay for you?” 

With her hands trying to take off her ear rings, and her mother still working on the back of her sparkly outfit, she just nods. She can’t wait to get home. For whatever reason, tonight she can’t wait to be in the comfort of her own house. 

“Sure, can you just pass me my phone for a second?” she says, notices her hands still shaking from all the adrenaline. Tree passes her the iPhone, and Taylor’s screen lights up for a second. She swallows. He texted her. 

Hey, I’ll be in Nashville until end of the week. Would be great to talk? I would hate things being weird between us now.

She takes a deep breath, immediately turns her phone off again. She was secretly waiting for a message from him, was already anticipating who would make the first move to end this ridiculous chaotic misery that they’ve both gotten themselves into since last week. She tosses her phone onto the sofa again, clearly not knowing what to answer him. When she feels the pressure of her corset getting less and less, she just securely holds onto the sparkly costume, thankfully looks at her mom. 

“I’ll be right back.” she says to everyone, then disappears in the shower and locks the door. For a second, Taylor just stands there, right behind the door and looks at her hands. She’s still breathing faster than she usually would, and her hands are still a little bit more shaky than before. There really is nothing quite like the post-show adrenaline rush of playing the biggest stadium tour of her life in combination with her private life being a massive shit show these days. 

_______________________________

Just flying back from Atlanta right now. I won’t be home before midnight and I’m assuming that’s too late for you to come over? I will head back to Atlanta again tomorrow for the show, so we might have to postpone our conversation then

Taylor proudly hits the send button, quickly places her phone on the table again. Andrea sits right in front of her, across the airplane table, reading one of the magazines that she still had left. She notices Taylor’s stare out of the window. She knows exactly what her daughter is going through these days, knows exactly why she needs her family with her more than ever before. 

“Want to sleep at my house tonight, honey?” she asks her daughter then. Taylor just looks at her a little irritated, seems to have been stuck in her own thoughts just now. With her make up free face, her freshly washed hair and a comfortable sweater on, she just chuckles slightly, then shakes her head. She’s thankful for her mom. She always has been. 

“No, thanks, I’m good. I think I want to write a little at home. Still way too much adrenaline in my system to sleep.”

Andrea sighs, puts down the magazine from her hands and looks at Taylor with the same look she knows so well. She knows exactly what’s coming. 

“Darling, I really think you should need some rest tonight if you want to play another three hour show tomorrow night and the night after.” 

“I will get some rest, I just can’t go to sleep right away.” she defends herself and Andrea just sighs. She knows her mom is worried for her, as she always is. But if there’s one thing she really needs tonight, then it’s being at her own house in peace. Peace. For once. Her phone screen lights up. She reaches for the phone and starts to read the new message that just came in.

Text me when you’re home. I’ll be there at half past if that works? Can you tell your security to let me in? I’ll get a driver then.

_______________________________

“Meredith, stop it.” she just sighs annoyedly, slowly losing her patience for whatever her cat is doing downstairs. It’s been minutes now that Meredith’s meowing has not stopped, but instead just got increasingly whiny. She sighs. Midnight and this cat still won’t calm down. It almost seems like a coincidence that this always happens as soon as Taylor is in the middle of finishing a demo that she wants to send to Aaron. She hits the pause button on her phone for a third time tonight, starts to feel like her cat is officially plotting to try and keep her from ever recording another demo ever again. In her pyjama pants and the same pink sweater from before, she slowly gets up, makes her way down the wooden staircase. She’s barefoot, her hair loosely in the same low bun as mostly when she’s at home. She quickly turns on the ceiling lights in the living room. Her cat is nowhere to be seen. The only thing she does notice, again, just like a sting right into her stomach is the empty wall right next to the TV. The empty piece of wall that once had a very distinct collection of frames hanging on it. Frames with pictures in it. Pictures of him. Pictures of the past six years that feel like a big fat lie to her now. A big fat lie, that she desperately wishes she had never experienced. A lie that still keeps her up at night. Because what felt like the greatest truth of her life, the greatest summer dream she’s ever been in has slowly turned into a nightmare. A big one. 

Trying not to let this wave of feelings consume her again, Taylor makes her way into the kitchen now, finds Meredith sitting on the counter, desperately trying to open the bag of cat treats that she left there. She sighs. 

“You don’t have thumbs. Also, it’s night time.” she says quietly to her cat, has grabbed her quickly and places her on the kitchen stool next to her. She opens the bag of treats slowly, holds a few in front of Meredith who quickly starts eating. Taylor can’t help but smirk. This cat can eat. She then puts the bag of treats into the cabinet again, suddenly hears her phone vibrating on the big dining table next to the kitchen. She sees his name lighting up, and another sigh escapes her. She feels nervous all of the sudden, knows she’s in for a conversation she would rather not have tonight. With slightly sweaty palms, Taylor picks up. She holds the phone next to her ear. 

“Hello?” 

“Hi.” he says, and she can tell already that this is just as awkward for him as it is for her. She swallows once, hears the white noise of a car radio in the background. 

“So, I’m.. I think we’re in front of the building.” 

“Okay, I’ll ask Brendon to open up.” 

“Perfect, thanks.” 

She hangs up again, already buries her face in her hands. She has no idea why she agreed to this tonight. She has no idea why she always gets herself in these situations. Over and over again. 

It takes less than five minutes, and the little bell at the end of the corridor rings. She just stands there in the doorframe, waiting for the elevator doors to open up. The night sky outside is pitch black. The light in the corridor up here, on the fifteenth floor is anything but cozy. She has crossed her arms already, suddenly regrets big time that she didn’t put on some make up before he arrived. Actually, the more she thinks about this, the more ridiculous she feels. There’s no reason why she should make herself look pretty for him. There’s no reason why she should start making an effort all of the sudden. There’s no reason for any of this. There shouldn't be.

The steel elevator doors open up, and she swallows. Brendon looks at Taylor, a questioning look she knows well. She nods. It’s fine. This man is allowed to be alone with her in this apartment right now.

In contrast to Taylor’s current attire, he looks like he just got off a photoshoot. A dark sweater covering his big torso, a pair of dark grey jeans and his favourite sneakers. She doesn’t know how to approach him, really, smiles thankfully as she realizes that he’s got both his hands full. He proudly holds up the brown paper bag in his right hand first, then the one in the left. His bright smile she knows so well jumping out for a second as he disguises what feels like a mixture of insecurity and mischief. Just the way she knows him. 

“Chicken tenders. Ranch sauce. And this one’s a nice, cheap Merlot from the liquor store across the street. A delicacy.” 

Taylor smiles, closes the door behind him. He slowly makes his way to her kitchen counter, empties his hands and then looks at her a bit more shy than before. She doesn’t know what to say either, just watches him turn around in the kitchen, not sure where to stand or what to do. 

“I didn’t know Chicken tenders and Merlot are a thing at like.. 1am on a Tuesday morning.”

He laughs the same laugh she knows so well, gives her one questioning look with his dark brown eyes. He doesn’t know if this is too much, but what he does know is that he’d do anything to end this awkward silence between them. The awkward silence that slowly set in after they both ruined whatever they’ve built in the past thirteen years. 

“I thought you might be hungry post-show?” 

She approaches him then, already pushing Olivia down the counter who has also just smelled the hot chicken tenders in the paper bag. 

“Ravenous actually.” she says. Relief overcomes him. He smiles. And then, there’s silence. The most awkward silence she’s ever known. So silent, that she can hear her heartbeat from within.

“That’s.. that’s great. Do you have some plates?” 

She nods, doesn’t know why she didn’t get some plates in the first place, but blames it on the tiredness in her bones. She’s still wide awake, but the exhaustion from a three-hour long show can’t really be ignored either. Taylor reaches for two floral-patterned plates and places them next to him. Quiet again. She watches him place the chicken tenders together with two massive plastic pots of ranch sauce on each plate. He hates this, too. She can tell. 

“Want some ice in your wine?” Taylor asks then, more than happy to have found another activity to focus on without having to speak to him. She reaches for two glasses of wine, already hears him chuckle from where he stands. She doesn’t really react, knows that he finds it absolutely terrible that she would ruin this cheap ass merlot with ice cubes tonight. 

“I’m good, actually. Thanks.” 

Taylor walks back towards him, pours the both of them a glass of Merlot, and looks at these incredibly good-smelling plates. He just knows her too well. Chicken tenders and ranch are just the kind of junk she needs right now.

“How was the show?” he asks then and she smiles, just by the thought of this incredible evening with her fans. “Awesome. Yeah. Super intense and exhausting but.. it’s special. Very special. You should come see me some day.” she says then, already regrets whatever she said at the end of her little speech. Why did she just have to do this? Did she seriously just invite him to her show? She has no idea why her mouth had to become independent all of the sudden.

“Yeah of course, would love to.” 

She doesn’t say anything else, just passes him her wine glass. 

“Living room?” 

He nods, hands her one of the plates he just so carefully prepared and makes his way to the dining table with her. He sits down across her, smiles. She notices, looks at him with curiousity in her sleepy eyes. 

“What?” 

He laughs again. 

“Nothing. It’s just... I love how nothing about this place has changed since 2010. Literally nothing. It's like a time capsule.” 

She smiles, already took a big bite of the delicious chicken tenders in her hands. She doesn’t mind eating animal style in front of him. After all, it’s 1 in the morning and she’s just played a massive stadium tour in Atlanta. She deserves to indulge this. 

“Hey, I got a new TV, okay? And two cats as well, dude.” she counters, making the dark-haired man in front of her chuckle as well. He loves seeing her enjoy her food the way she does right now. It’s something he noticed first thing when they got closer again a few years ago. The girl he used to be in love with when he was seventeen wouldn’t eat anything that doesn’t have a low-carb stamp on it. But the woman who sits in front of him right now has learned to enjoy food. And in a weird way, so did he. One of the nice things about growing up. Actually witnessing yourself and the people you once cared about grow, too.

“I didn’t know the cats count as interior, sorry.” 

He makes her smile. As he always has. Silence creeps back in, overlaying the room with more awkwardness than before. They both know what happened last week. They both know it wasn’t right. 

“So..” Taylor mumbles, takes a pause from eating, already reaches for one of the napkins next to her to clean her hands. “Who’s gonna take one for the team and address the elephant in the room?” she says in a quiet voice, dares to look at his face. His lips form a smile. He’s glad she took that first step. Taylor sighs, then scratches the back of his neck once. He leans back, crosses his arms over his sweater. He’s literally the same guy he was back then, just a few grey hairs creeping out in between the thick dark hair. 

“I just..” he tries to form a sentence that makes sense, but fails. Taylor swallows again, but this time out of nervousness. She hates the fact that they ruined whatever they had until last Sunday. Last Sunday when she got the news. The news about Joe, and Emma, and the level of betrayal she never thought she’d had to endure again in this lifetime. Last Sunday when he was supposed to come over to her LA home to discuss her new project. Last Sunday when there was suddenly to much whiskey in her system, too much pain on her chest right where her heart used to sit before it was shattered into a thousand pieces by Joe. Last Sunday when she and her old friend, who carries the same first name as her, spent the night together.

“I don’t want to say anything that.. that could hurt you. Or..” 

“Tay, I..” she interrupts him quickly, scratches the skin under her bangs on her forehead then. She doesn’t know what to say, just feels so incredibly horrible in this moment. She never thought it would come to this. Not in a thousand years. She was supposed to be in London right now. She was supposed to spend the evening with the person she once considered the love of her life. Not sitting here, realizing that she turned a good man into a bad one. Once again. Life has a funny way of screwing you over.

“Please, you don’t hurt me. You’re.. you’re married. And I.. I’m going through a bad phase right now. I drank too much, and we just…” 

“So you want to just forget it?” 

She looks at his face, tries to read something in between his facial expressions. There’s a lot of insecurity, and shame, and she knows why. This, right here, is his worst nightmare. Becoming a cheater. Something he never thought he’d ever be. 

“Listen, I am happy to move past this. I.. I know you guys have issues, but that should’ve never led to us doing something that would hurt your.. your wife as much as it does. And trust me, I know what I’m talking about.” she says, almost stumbled over her own words because she feels herself getting emotional. She feels so much shame amongst all of this pain and anger. How could she become responsible for making another woman feel exactly like what she’s been feeling? How could she abuse his kindness, that has clearly been there from day one, to feel better for a moment. How could she let it come this far? 

The man across her can feel her getting emotional. He wishes to be as eloquent as the woman across him for a single moment, but he’s still at a loss for words. And he hates nothing more. 

“I was thinking about telling her, you know.” 

Taylor looks up at the man in front of her. She nods. It’s his right. It’s his marriage, after all. 

“But then again, I feel like.. we’re at crossroads right now and I don’t.. I don’t see how this would help us solve any of the issues we have anyways.” he thinks out loud, then looks at the blonde woman in front of him. She’s sitting there on her wooden chair, one leg up, her face almost hidden behind her knee. He appreciates the honesty in the room. He appreciates that she decided to show herself to him tonight exactly the way she is. Going through a lot. Guilty. Still a beautiful creature trying to make it through this tough time for herself. 

“I’m so sorry that we did something you regret now. I’m.. I think I am just struggling a lot with the thought of being alone and I just craved feeling close to someone and you were there that night, so..” 

Taylor looks at the woman, a smirk suddenly creeping on his face. She stops, just looks at him in confusion. Why is he smiling all of the sudden?

“So I was basically the next best option to get laid? What about Brendon? He’s not looking too bad either..”

She can’t help but hide a smile as well, in between her desperate tries to look at him offendedly. 

“Will you shush?” 

He laughs, just rubs his eyes tiredly. He has no fucking idea how they got into this situation. How he would sit here with his friend, his ex, his future boss over chicken tenders in the middle of the night, talking about the fact that he cheated on his wife with her. Ruined what was left of his marriage within a couple of hours basically. 

“I’m joking, Tay.” he says then, a serious look on his face. He knows that he wasn’t just the best next option. He doesn’t know a lot of things but what he does know is that they’ve always had this connection. This deep understanding of how the other person works, without needing much explanation at all. Maybe that’s why he was so head over heels in love with her when they met. Because she reminded him of something in himself that he seemed to have forgotten in this industry. And he knows she feels the same. She felt comfortable with him last Sunday. She cried. She told him what she’s going through. She needed to be held, needed to feel something again. Maybe, in a weird way, so did he?

“Let’s..” he can see her trying to take a deep breath again. She’s thinking. She really is trying to find a solution here. “Let’s just.. let’s just look at this for what it is. We’re human. We’re both in difficult situations. We made a mistake. Mistakes happen. We’re not bad people, because..” 

“My marriage is over. We both know it. Literally, everybody knows it.” he interrupts her then. He knows she’s trying to sweep this under the rug. But there’s no sweeping necessary no more. He knows that this was the last straw. He’s never cheated in his entire life. Knowing that this is something he did, after a few drinks, is all he needs to know about the value that this marriage holds to him. 

“I want to be fair to her. I will.. I will end this marriage. But I’m not going to tell her that we had sex. It’s just..” 

He blocks, Taylor can’t help but bury her face in her hands. Not only did she end her own relationship. She also managed to end a marriage. Within a week. She starts to feel sick, suddenly. 

“It will just hurt her more if she knows. And.. maybe one day I will tell her, but for now..” 

“Don’t tell her.” Taylor whispers then from her side of the dining table, her face still buried in her hands. He can’t tell what she’s thinking, but he can see the tear running down her cheek as she takes her hands from her face again. And it breaks him. Hearing her shaky voice breaks him even more. 

“Don’t tell her, because.. it will break her. She knows it’s over. Just don’t twist the knife in her heart for no reason if you don’t have to.” 

It’s this moment, when he understands that she’s not just talking about his relationship. 

The dark-haired man doesn’t say anything else, just slowly gets up. He sits back down again, this time right at the chair next to her. She’s got her forehead desperately leaning against her own knuckles, slowly sobs without looking at him. She always claims how much she’s changed, but in this moment it’s not too evident to him. The little strand of hair on her left side, coming from her bangs, that is still curled up the way it was back then. Her horrible posture that already caused her a headache when she was nineteen. The sound of her cries, and what it does to his heart. Taylor knows that no words coming from his mouth could ease the pain she’s in. Neither can the sex that they both tried to numb the pain with, last Sunday. He knows that. And so does she. Yet his hand still wanders to her back, steady and gentle, rubbing her up and down over her sweatshirt. She’s still crying, and he knows she’s exhausted. More than that. 

“I know this.. this sounds dumb coming from me. But you’ll be fine. You’ll be just fine. I know it. Cause I know you.” 

The blonde woman quietly dries her tears with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, then dares to look at his face again. His hand still rubbing her back, and she’s thankful he’s here. For the first time tonight, she’s glad they’re talking this out. 

“Why do you say that?” she sobs then quietly, “Not only did I loose the only person I could ever see myself having a life with. I also ruined your marriage, and..” 

“If you say that one more time..” he interrupts her, slowly getting annoyed. She should know that she never could’ve ruined something that wasn’t already broken before. 

“It was my decision. I’m the one in this marriage. Please stop taking the blame for this.” 

She nods slowly, only after a few seconds, almost as if she’s still trying to convince herself that what he says is true. She swallows once, her breath only steadying after a few seconds. His warm hand on her back clearly seems to help. After a few moments of silence, this time a more peaceful kind of silence, Taylor takes a deep breath, looks at him and has to smile a little more shy than before. He doesn’t react at all, doesn’t move away from her. 

“Sorry for this.. crying mess. I think it’s just late and..” 

“It’s okay to feel things, you know?” 

She looks into his face again, feels a kind of warmth overcome her that she’s so familiar with. It’s his eyes, and his smile and his tan skin together with the realization that he’s never really changed. It feels so calming knowing that the world keeps spinning on, people fall in love, people cheat, people leave, yet he’s still Taytay to her. He’s still the nicest man she’s ever been in love with. 

“Thanks. Really.” she says then, her hand landing on his. “I.. I feel like I’ve lost so many things these past weeks. I can’t dare to loose you as my friend, now. So.. can we.. can we please forget this and just..” she takes another shaky breath, but the man next to her knows exactly what she’s trying to say. And it would be an understatement to say the same. She’s always been his north star, in a way. She’s always been the best advise-giver he's ever known. She’s never lied to him before. He can’t dare loose her. Not in this life. 

“You’re not losing me.” he says then, his arm already around her. She gives in, lets him pull her into a hug. Taylor immediately closes her eyes, enjoys the fact that her head is leaning against his strong chest, with both arms wrapped around her. She allows herself to just stay like this, with both eyes closed and her heart wide open. Just like this, for the first time. For the second time, really. A heart wide open. A belief in people. A new beginning.